Unsettled (Chosen #1) (17 page)

“
Fight Club
or
The Matrix
?” he asked.

“Number one rule of Fight Club!” I exclaimed.

He laughed and intertwined our fingers together before he knelt down in front of the DVD player to pop in the movie.

“I love you, you know,” I said.

“Back atcha, babe,” he said.

The time
at Sean’s seemed to straighten out my thinking. There were no influences. It was just me and my thoughts, which cleared every day.  Sean went to work every night and I missed having someone to talk to, but when he came home, he always brought me ice cream and we watched a movie until the early hours in the morning. It was comforting, but Sean was not Teagan. I started to think more and more about how Teagan ruined me for every other man. I wanted to be grateful for every moment I spent with Teagan but I really wanted more. I wanted just one more month. Time was running out.  Baby or not, I wanted to wake up to his hands stretched all over my body. I thought back to the last night we spent together and smiled. I pocketed that memory in the back of my mind for the future. As pathetic as it sounded, I wanted whatever he would give me for the rest of his time in Boston and when I went to visit him in Ireland. The future was not dim. I could make my future any way I wanted, and if I couldn’t live without him, I’d follow him. I’d beg. Oh God. I was so messed up.

Twenty
-Seven

The Greatest Blow

Still at Sean’s on
Wednesday morning, my heart squeezed in longing. There was no way I could go to Teagan until Sunday, which I realized happened to be only two weeks before he actually flew back to Ireland. His friend from university was coming into town and he wanted to spend every night with him, not to mention he didn’t have the room for two guests. Some of the other guys were also having friends come so I understood from our previous conversations that I wasn’t welcomed. I would be okay. I had a lot on my plate anyway. I couldn’t help but think that he was pulling away from me. After all the turmoil he had witnessed me go through, I’m sure he wanted to spend his last days in Boston without the constant reminder of me and the pregnancy. I didn’t ask him to go with me to my appointment at the clinic. I just gave him the option. It was up to him whether or not he wanted to be there for me.  He said several times that he wouldn’t let me go alone and he wanted to drive me home after. I was happy he would be there. He seemed like the only appropriate choice, after all.

After being at Sean’s for days, I felt like I was overstaying my welcome although Sean would
’ve never let me leave if he knew I felt that way. Nonetheless, I decided to call my oldest friend, Shannon, first thing the next morning to let her know that I was going through a hard break up and my parents were being assholes. I told her that I was staying at Sean’s. She quickly came up with an excuse to go to Boston from New York City, where she worked as an assistant to an assistant to an assistant to some fashion mogul. She told me what train she would take that day.

“Let’s go to Mamma Mia!” she exclaimed.
I let go of the breath I had been holding. She didn’t broach the subject of the break up or my parents. I could tell she just wanted me to have some fun to get it out of my mind.

“Don’t they have that on or off Broadway?” I asked
, smiling. I was trying to be at least a little normal on the outside. Fake it until you make it and all that shit.

Shannon was a dear friend. She saw me go through so much in high school
, and yet we always got stuck together. Like Sean, I would often flee to her house for extended stays and her single mom was always happy to have me. I missed her like crazy. I never wanted to live in New York City, but if there was one reason I would move there, it would be only for her.

“Yes, but we need to see it together. We know all the words and we can pretend we
’re in Muriel’s Wedding. It will be a blast. We can stay at Mom’s and have a sleepover. Weeee. It will be so much fun!”

I told Sean she was coming down
, and because he was feeling a little overprotective of me, he insisted on going to Boston with me. When I told him we were going to a show and he immediately refused, telling me to have a great time. It wasn’t until after lunch with Sean in Newburyport that I said goodbye to him. He asked if I would return and I told him I was homeless so I probably would. I drove down to the train station to pick her up and we immediately went to Faneuil Hall to get the day tickets to the show. We went to the bathroom and prettied up for the night’s events.

Hours later, we came out of the theater, still singing.

“Where should we go?” she asked.

“Uppity or regular pub?” I asked.

“Duh. Uppity. The Greatest Bar,” she announced.

“I just rolled my eyes
,” I said, laughing.

When we walked into the loud and crowded bar, we noticed two stool
s at the counter and immediately took them. Shannon ordered a martini and I ordered a diet coke. I swiveled around and scanned the bar to see if there were any familiar faces.

“Hold my seat
. I have to go to the bathroom,” I said, sliding off my stool.

As I headed towards the ramp up to the restrooms, I stopped still. I felt sucker punched. I couldn’t breath
e. I couldn’t move. I… I…

There, half way up the red carpeted ramp, I saw the back of Teagan’s
beautiful head. He wasn’t paying any attention to his surroundings. Everyone around him was casually talking but his head nuzzled into the dark, curly hair of a petite girl. He kissed her bare shoulder as she looked up to him with adoring eyes. I was sick.

I tried so hard to look away but like
the aftermath of a car accident, I couldn’t stop. I even craned my neck beyond people walking around me. Just then, I saw Freddie. He stood stunned then immediately jumped over the rail of the ramp. The several steps from the ramp to me were lightning fast.

Freddie stood right in front of me, fully blocking me from the view of Teagan. I stood there shaking, eyes wide open and my hand cover
ing my mouth to prevent myself from throwing up. The pit of my stomach rose up to my chest then up to my eyes. Tears flooded my vision as Freddie put his hands on my shoulder and looked straight into my eyes.

“It’s not what you think, Lizzie
,” Freddie said sternly.

I stammered while trying to catch the air from my chest. I looked at him and turned
, confused.

“Huh?” I asked.

“Lizzie, that’s his girlfriend, Moira. They are together at university,” he replied. He said it like I already knew about her. He was trying to explain that it wasn’t some random girl but his girlfriend that I must have known about all along.

“Girlfriend
,” I stated, stunned. After my initial shock, I gave him the biggest “What the Fuck?” look. Freddie knew he had a fucking girlfriend? Did they all know? After all this time, I never knew. I never fucking knew.

“Oh my
God, Lizzie. You, you didn’t know? Moira and Teagan have been on and off for years. They grew up together,” he replied sadly.

“I think they
’re back on again.” I laughed with no amusement.

As Freddie slowly nodded his head, I glanced over his shoulder and my eyes met Cian’s. He glanced at me and Freddie for an instant and hastily made his way over to Teagan. Cian barely even whispered something in Teagan’s ear before Teagan whirled around and pointedly looked at me. His chin dropped and his face turned blank, almost impassive. I screamed inside and I couldn’t think about what to do. I looked back at Freddie and put my hands on his arms as if he was grounding me. The bar was swallowing me whole and Freddie was my only anchor. Then I
regained my inner courage, I pushed Freddie rather hard and yelled, “You son of a bitch. You lied to me, Freddie! You fucking lied to me. I thought we were friends. I can understand HIS intentions,” I said, pointing towards Teagan. “But what are yours? Why would you never say a fucking thing to me?”

Freddie glanced back towards the ramp and looked at me guiltily.

“Lizzie, please don’t make a scene. She doesn’t know about you either. He just told us tonight to keep you a secret. What the hell did you think he was doing when he asked you to stop coming around? Do you know how many times I picked up the phone to try to see you? I wanted to talk to you. I feel responsible. But this wasn’t my secret to tell. You were with him and I just assumed you knew he was kind of involved,” he said.

I scoffed at him and took a step back like he slapped me. None of me being with
Teagan was my idea. He propositioned me. He made me feel special. He tried so hard in the beginning. He was the father of my… My tears were finally dried up, so I wiped under my eyes very quickly and turned to leave. As I walked out the door, I grabbed my purse off the stool and told Shannon I was leaving. I don’t even know if she heard me. She was laughing and I never looked back as I walked out the door to a hot and humid night. Freddie ran out the door right after me.

As I started vigorously walking down the street to my car, Freddie groaned.
Where did I go wrong with Freddie? He could have been my constant through this whole summer had Teagan let me be his friend. It was all bitterness just then. He wouldn’t ever understand what just happened to me. I could hear him telling me we need to sit down to talk in the background of my thoughts. I couldn’t hear him. He needed to leave me alone. I lost all of my friends. All of them. They were all gone. The summer was all gone. Did he think he could say anything that would make it all better? I prayed in that moment he would just know. I prayed that he would know that I was hurting more about this than any other moment in time. Teagan would never take the blame, he would never admit to anything. Freddie could never know and for fuck’s sake, everyone needed to know that I was pregnant with Teagan’s baby. I prayed Freddie could read my thoughts. I lost it all. I lost. Game over.

“Lizzie, wait! Please talk to me. Tell me you
’re going to be okay,” he said.

I whirled around to him and
my pain was so evident that I couldn’t even look at him.

“Do I look okay, Freddie? That mother fucker screwed me all summer long, both physically and mentally.
He did it on purpose. That selfish piece of shit has no soul, no heart, and no conscious. Or maybe that is all Irishmen, hmmm?” I asked with one eyebrow cocked.

My whole body was trembling. Why couldn’t I just shut down and not feel anything? I was so good at that before I met Teagan. I could climb into bed and feel nothing. I would normally brush this whole thing off and chalk it up to another misstep in my life. But he got me pregnant. I had to endure that awful first few days in his arms. I was losing my whole family. I had nowhere to go. I look
ed around at the people walking by and wished I was anywhere else, anyone else. What about Teagan? He hadn’t lost anything. He stole everything and went on living like I was nothing.

Freddie blanched at me and turned himself out to the street and stood silent. Under his breath, he
muttered, “You should have picked me that night.”

“What?” I screamed at him. He was going to be straight with me.

“You should have fucking picked me. I wanted you this whole summer and you chose that bastard. I tried so many times to tell you. Remember my birthday? Jesus, Lizzie, I fell in love with you that night, playing the guitar and on the train. I think about you all the time, and now I have to fucking watch you crumble because of him.” He cried out, pain in his throat.

“Why don’t you tell her what you really think, Freddie?” Teagan said with steadfast calm out from behind us.

I whirled around and stared at him in disbelief.

“Who the fucking shit is she, Teagan?” I yelled.

Freddie came up behind me and placed his arm on mine and murmured for me to calm down. Teagan walked towards me and stood a foot away from my face and said, “She’s an old friend.”

“A friend? A fucking friend? Do you kiss all your friends on their necks while groping their backsides?” I asked incredulously.

He grimaced.

“Oh wait, yes. Yes, you do. Because we are friends, right
, Teagan? Summer friends. You are leaving so we could never be anything more but you never once even hinted that you had a girlfriend back home. Don’t fucking lie to me. Freddie already told me about her so your explanation means shit to me.” I held up my hand like that was all I needed to say.

Instead
, I went on. I pointed at his face and seethed, “Do you think I would have even let you touch me if I knew you had a girlfriend? Do you think I would have even entertained the idea that you were someone I wanted to get to know as a friend? The minute I knew Cian had a girlfriend, I never looked at him the same. Off limits. This American girl, or so you call me, is not that kind of girl, and fuck you for using me and disrespecting everything that happened between us.” I motioned to my belly where he implanted a baby in me. Bonded.

He didn’t miss my point.

He gave me a pained look and whispered, “She hasn’t been my girlfriend all summer. I came here and she went to Paris. I don’t know what she did there and she certainly doesn’t know about my relationship here. I’m sorry, Lizzie. I never wanted to hurt you.”

“Hurt me? Hurt me? You think me knowing now that you have a girlfriend hurts me? No, it fucking breaks me into crackled specks of dust. It makes every moment I shared with you and I mean, every
God damn moment I shared with you, a lie. You are the most manipulative, self serving bastard I’ve ever met and believe me, I have met myself many times,” I said with rage.

“I never wanted you to know, Lizzie. I
’m sorry. You, we were just for the summer. She and I have been forever,” he said.

Freddie cursed under his breath
, and when I turned to look at him, he was bent over with his hands on his knees like he was going to vomit.

I threw up my arms. “Well
, then, get going. Go back to her and start your fucking forever now. I’m not going to spoil anything for you because I have enough sympathy for that poor girl. She will never know the true beast that lives inside you.” My whole body was trembling harder and I wanted to go stand with Freddie and puke, too.

He hung his head and
muttered, “Lizzie.”

I popped my eyes open
, and in a voice I’d never heard come from myself before, said, “You aren’t allowed to address me by my fucking name ever again.” I clipped each word out so he knew that I no longer existed in his life, nor he in mine.