Unsettled (Chosen #1) (19 page)

I heard the vacuum machine turn off and the nurses murmuring to me about taking a few minutes to gather myself as the doctor sat back and read over a chart. My heart raced, the cramping never dulling
, and then I felt the worse pain and guilt I’d ever felt in my entire life.

Fifteen minutes later, I ran out of the room, still pulling up my sweatpants
. I went straight out the door to the warm air. It was so warm and inviting. It was all over but as much as I made the decision to follow through, I was still so confused and no one could penetrate me.

Strong arms came around my sides and Teagan kissed my head. I struggled out of his embrace and started to my car.

“Lizzie! Wait a minute!”

I whirled on him. “What are you doing here
, Teagan?”

He gave me an incredulous look. “I
’m here for you. I didn’t want you to be alone,” he said.

“Well, get used to the idea because I am alone. I
’ve been alone forever. Now you can leave,” I said sternly.

He flinched. “I thought I could drive you home. Do you feel okay? Are you…
”

“I.
Am. Fine,” I said, “and no, you won’t take me home. You won’t take me anywhere. I have a hotel nearby and I’ll stay the night there,” I lied. “Now, get the fuck out of my life. You only hurt me. Don’t you see that? I wanted, wanted more from you, and you squashed me. You fucking tore me apart and so did they,” I said as I pointed back at the clinic.

His eyes followed my arm then back to me. His look was of regret, sorrow, and guilt.

“Lizzie, I never wanted to hurt you,” he said pleadingly.

“No,” I said with resolve, “let me finish
.”

He stood there, looking just as beautiful as the last time I saw him
...without her. His blue eyes pierced my heart and I caught my breath. It was so hard to fucking breathe. Pain was the monster of my soul, and I was determined to find the way that led me away from it.

“You
’ve been letting go from me for a long time. Perhaps, you let go of the idea of me all together when we took our first hike together. You had the advantage this entire summer and I’ve never let anyone have an advantage over me. So, now you have to allow me to let go. You need to cut the last cord. Just cut me out. You don’t have to think about the baby anymore. You don’t have to think about the losses we both suffered. I will always do the thinking for the both of us. Knowing that you’ll be happy when you move back to your girlfriend will be the only reason I will ever be able to get over this summer. I’ll never forget what this summer did to me. So, stop trying to make this right. It was never right. The only way you can help me is to let go. To walk away. Stop thinking about me. Stop following me. Just stop. Maybe one day I’ll remember the good times we had together. For now, I am wrecked. I have to find my way back to peace. The thought of even loving someone like I’ve loved you pains me because I don’t know if it’ll ever be possible and that’s not the life I want. Can you understand that? Can you find it in you to believe that I don’t need you? I never did. I wanted you. It’s just that you never wanted me. Unrequited love is what tears peoples’ souls apart.” I stopped and knew tears were streaming down my face, down my neck, down my shirt. I didn’t care. I was bare. Raw. Nothing he could say or do at that point would make me believe in anything good in the world. Nothing he said or did would make me believe in me again. It was over.

I turned around and walked towards my car. As I opened
the door, I saw him standing there, tears in his eyes, and I put my hand up in a silent goodbye. I got into my car and drove home to Wellesley, ready to face my family and push myself back into the only place I belonged.

Twenty
-Nine

After the Loss

I ran up the stairs to my front door
, and for the first time in my life, I knocked. My mother immediately opened the door and stood there, shocked to see me. She raced forward and embraced me so tightly, I couldn’t breathe. My mother looked so much older than I’d ever seen her. Her gray hairs came out in the sunshine and I took in her familiar scent. She was love and I needed it. I needed her.

“
Oh, my baby. We’ve been so worried about you,” she cried as she put her hand over her mouth. “God, we made you go. You left. You never called and we’ve been so worried. We haven’t slept. I wanted to be there for you, Lizzie. I wanted to talk to you. I overreacted and I am so sorry. You are so important to me. Please don’t leave again. Please let me help.” She was sobbing and I couldn’t bear her pain. No one else should feel an ounce of the pain I felt.

I trembled in her arms
, and with tears rolling down my face, I held her. I held on so tight that I felt her inside and out. The pain I had caused them all of these years was excruciating. I never thought of others. Never. Thank fuck they still loved me, even knowing I needed to have an abortion.

“Mom, I couldn’t do it. The baby. The preg
nancy. I…” She cut me off.

“We love you no matter what you do. I
’ll call your father and brother down. They’ve been so anxious. I’ve been reading up on what to do after an abortion and I can be here for you,” she said in a rush.

I shook my head.

“It’s okay, Mom. Can we please talk later? I am so tired and I just need to lie down.”

Conner came down and gave me a relieved smile. He tucked me under his chin and whispered how much he loved me and nothing would ever come between us again. I laughed and told him to stop fooling himself. He laughed along with me but I could tell it was a choked laugh. He was crying too and Conner never cried.
I held him tight and whispered how much I loved him. I couldn’t believe I had put him in so many situations that could destroy his reputation. He was wonderful. He was the best brother that anyone could imagine and I nearly broke it all up in a million pieces.

Mom and Conner took me to my room
, which was cleaner than I’d ever seen it. Mom had been busy. Books were stacked next to my bed and a brand new CD player sat next to them. They’d been taking care of me, even when I was gone. They tucked me in my bed and my mom sat and rubbed my feet as she whispered how glad she was that I came home. My father stood in the doorway, and when I looked up to him, he was crying. He didn’t make a move towards me but I could feel the love spread across the room. He nodded and turned around with his head hung in emotion.

Days blurred together as the cramping finally subsided and I started to feel better. I was still sick inside but my family made sure I ate and got enough rest. They were amazing. I never felt more cared for.

Conner came in one day and pulled the ringing phone out of its socket with one pull. He cursed underneath his breath and took the phone out of my room, never looking at me. I knew the phone was ringing a lot but he startled me to my feet and I ran after him.

“Conner, what the fuck?” I asked.

“T
hat mother fucking God damn son of a bitch piece of fucking shit keeps calling. He wants to know how you are, and every time I tell him to mind his own fucking business and stop harassing this family, he calls back an hour later,” he roared.

I smiled at him and said, “So s
top answering the fucking phone.” I squeezed him tight with a smile, and he relaxed in my arms.

“
God, Lizzie, I’m so glad you’re home. You are so special and so fucking smart. You have your whole life ahead of you and nothing that has happened over the summer will change that. We have a plan and you’ll feel good again soon. You just need a little help. We aren’t going to push you but things have to change now.”

I released him and nodded. “Conner
, I know. Things are going to change dramatically. But, this summer… This summer was my bottom. It was the ultimate test of my self-worth and I failed,” I said. “I’m finally going to settle into myself, and I’m trying to recognize that I’m not alone. I have my family and my friends and this time, I’m not going to do what I always do. I’m not going to run from myself.”

He gave me a warm k
iss on my cheek and walked away with the phone and broken cord in hand.

He turned back to me and said, “You know? I told him once over the phone that he better not hurt you or I would kick his little arse. I guess
I wasn’t very clear about that.” He frowned and looked down at the floor. My eyes started to tear up and I hiccupped on a sob as I watched my brother try to decide how to fix me. Eventually, he figured out he couldn’t. I was completely broken. I quietly closed my door and fell to the ground in tears. The downstairs phone started to ring again. I looked up to my guitar and began to write the sweetest lullaby for the baby Teagan never wanted.

“Teagan’s Lullaby” was the only song I sung for months.
I watched his plane take off from a distant parking lot in Boston. I knew I would never see him again. I cried myself to sleep that day, and when I woke up, I was numb. I couldn’t move on for months. The memories of Teagan seeped into my bones and stayed there. All I could do was listen to David Gray and cry. I thought about those days we spent in bed. Those days we spent on the island. Those nights when he couldn’t keep his hands off me haunted my dreams. I would sleep for days just so I could see his face, smiling at me. The few pictures that were taken of us together pained me so I hid them in the back of the closet. I was never the person he wanted. I wasn’t the person he needed. It was a fake truth for him. For me, it was the truest love I’d ever known. Being alone never felt worse and all I wanted was him. I couldn’t drink. I couldn’t drive down Commonwealth Avenue. I couldn’t breathe. I knew Teagan would always be with me and it would be impossible for me to ever forget him. Forget us. It was our summer fling that turned into so much more. I couldn’t change the past. I couldn’t change his past or his future. I was the present. He was my present. I told him to let me go but I knew it would be impossible. He wouldn’t ever contact me again and he would move on. But I knew I never would.

EPILOGUE

2002

I t
ook the ticket from the stewardess and put it back into my purse as I walked down the hall to the open plane. I started for the first class seats and closed in behind my son, still sleeping in his car seat. He had been restless all night. No matter his mood, I knew I would look back on this trip and be so proud of myself for making it.

I flipped
my cell phone open and called Nick, my tall and gorgeous friend. I met Nick three months after Niall was born while on a lunch break from my awesome job in the financial district. He made me laugh when I wanted to sob.

“Hey
, Lizzie. How’s it going?” he asked with concern.

“Oh, well,
you know, Niall is enjoying the free liquor and food in first class, and I am trying to get some rest. We’re doing as well as expected on a long flight with a sixteen month old,” I replied.

Nick laughed
on the other end.

“How is Kathleen?” I asked.
Kathleen was Nick’s latest girlfriend and I found it safer to live vicariously through his love life. I could never fall in love again. It hurt too much. Guy friends were so much safer. Sean and Nick had been the rocks in my life these past two years.

“She
’s fine. We went to that sushi place last night. It was good.” He sighed.

I laughed. He was
so going to break up with her in the next few weeks. He just didn’t know it yet.

“
Hey! I’m going to miss you,” he exclaimed.

“Me too. So, we’re in D.C. The flight from Boston was easy. We should land in Cork by, umm, tomorrow, their time?” I asked, already confused by the time difference.

“You know, Liz, you don’t have to do this
,” he said.

“
I want to. I’m not going to make waves. I just want to see where he is from. Maybe…maybe it will bring me closure.” I sighed.

I looked over at Niall and caressed his cheek with the back of my index finger.

“Well, call when you land. In the meantime, I’m counting the days until you’re home,” he said.

I laughed and told
him to get laid. I turned off my phone when the steward asked me to.

Niall was born in 2001, the year the Twin Towers crumbled to the ground. He was a light in the darkness, in my darkness. The world
around me suffered from one of the biggest tragedies in history, and while it pained me as well, my greatest secret still made me suffer daily. I remember the first time I held Niall in my arms. In that moment, I knew I was a better person. I would have a future with purpose and I felt settled. I would hold onto to my red headed, fair skinned son and make sure he never suffered any tragedies within my control. Being a mother changed everything. Teagan changed everything. 

Flipping through the book, I found the world map of where every hub was. I traced the
map lines of flights from Boston to Washington, D.C. and then I stopped. For two years, when I looked at a map, I always covered my hand over Ireland. Perhaps it was to cherish the homeland of my family or maybe I just wanted to hide it like it never existed. I didn’t feel that need any more though. I purposely traced the line from D.C. to Cork, Ireland, where I would try to find answers without causing any trouble. Teagan didn’t need to know I was there. In fact, I was sure he didn’t even live in Cork anymore. I’d never visited and I saw it fitting that Niall join me on the trip. My connection to Ireland seemed therapeutic after all I had been through.

Niall
woke up and looked over to me. “Mama,” he said, grabbing for me. I started to rub his belly. He loved that so much.

“Yes, honey.
Mama loves you. Let me tell you a little secret. Did you know that you have Irish in your blood? I think you’ll fit right in.” I hummed to him with a smile.

“Yes, Niall, but you’ll always be my American boy. That’s the most important thing.” I closed the magazine, put it away, and leaned back in my chair as the plane took off towards the home of the Irishmen I used to know.