Unstoppable (5 page)

Paralyzing sadness, despair, and grief brought on by hard times or tragedies can strike anyone. Unexpected and stressful events can leave us feeling overwhelmed and emotionally beaten, bruised, and battered. It’s important that you not isolate yourself in these situations. Allow your family and friends to console you. Be patient with them and with yourself. Healing takes time. Few people can just “snap out of it,” so don’t expect that to happen. Rather know that you have to work at healing. It’s not a passive process. You must flip the switch and tap into whatever power runs through you, including your willpower and the power of your faith.

When you find yourself superstressed, highly emotional, and unable to function because of something that has occurred, it is important to separate what has happened
to
you from what is going on
inside
you. We all bear emotional scars from past experiences. Sometimes those scars are not fully healed, so when you hit hard times, the old wounds reopen. The deep pain you feel may be aggravated by past hurts and reawakened insecurities. If you sense that you may be overreacting to a bad situation, or if you feel overwhelmed and unable to cope, you should ask yourself,
Why is this hitting me so hard? Am I reacting this way because of what is actually occurring, or am I reacting so strongly because of what has occurred in the past?

I was reminded of the importance of analyzing my feelings and their impact on my actions in late 2010. Looking back, I see now that the very rough patch I hit then really wasn’t a major calamity. It just seemed that way because I was exhausted spiritually, mentally, and emotionally from working so much and constantly traveling. This was the first time one of my businesses had serious financial challenges. Ironically, the problem that
laid me so low arose within my Attitude Is Altitude company, which markets my motivational and inspirational speeches and DVDs. That business had experienced increased demand even during the recession, so I’d hired more people and expanded operations. I thought the company was in good shape, so I was quite surprised when my staff notified me that they were having trouble keeping up with payroll and bills. We’d been doing so well despite the bad economy, but suddenly, big customers who owed us money for DVDs and speaking engagements were either slow to pay or not paying us at all. Money that we’d counted on did not arrive, and that was a big part of the problem.

The other major factor was this bullheaded bloke named Nick Vujicic. I’d long wanted to make a Christian music video as an inspirational item to sell through my business. When business was booming and my first book was hitting bestseller lists around the world, I felt very optimistic about the future. So I decided to make the music video as a product for Attitude Is Altitude. Between the cash flow problem and the music video costs, which were higher than I’d expected, our business fell fifty thousand dollars in debt. We’d been running at 150 mph, and suddenly I had to slam on the brakes. That is no exaggeration. We had seventeen projects underway, and I canceled or postponed nearly all of them. I told the staff we were switching to survival mode. Such problems are common to fast-growing companies, especially when the overall economy is in a recession. Still, this development caught me by surprise. Guilt set in. I’d been so intent on fulfilling my purpose of inspiring and evangelizing to people around the world that I’d overreached. Just because I had the resources and a good idea didn’t mean the timing was right. I was operating on Nick’s time instead of God’s.

When I realized that the company had fallen into debt, I was consumed
by the feeling that I’d let down all the people who worked for me and all those who believed in me. Still, the extent of my despair quickly exceeded the magnitude of the problem. I became so overwrought I could barely function, and it wasn’t just for a day or two.

My despair went on for more than a month. It took about two more months to pull out of my funk entirely. I lost confidence in myself, and I’m sad to say, I just lost it altogether. I internalized the frustration and shock.

I reverted to that fragile and insecure boy I’d once been. I could not stop the negative thoughts.
Have I wandered away from God’s plan for me? Who was I to offer advice, inspiration, and spiritual guidance to people around the world? If I wasn’t a speaker and evangelist, what could I be? What value did I have?
I kept flashing back to my worst childhood insecurities. The financial problems, which were really just short-term cash flow issues, reawakened my old fears of being a burden upon my parents and siblings.

As you can imagine, my parents had serious concerns when I first moved to the United States on my own at the age of twenty-four. I was determined to prove my independence and to follow my dream of being an international evangelist and speaker. Since then I’d come a long way in accomplishing my dreams and proving my independence. In fact, my parents had decided to move to the United States so that my father, who is an accountant and wonderful with bookkeeping, could join my business.

The most difficult thing I had to do after learning of the financial problems at Attitude Is Altitude was to call my father and tell him that he was about to join a company that had fallen into debt. He had made the decision to move to the United States without knowing what he was getting into. I was so embarrassed. I felt I’d let him down and disappointed him.

I’ve always been more of a dreamer and far more impulsive than my father, who is very practical and analytical. He and my mother had warned
me before I moved to the United States that I needed to manage my money carefully. I’d messed up just as they were coming to join my business. I also was afraid people would think that my parents were coming to save me, their son with no arms and no legs—and no money!

To make matters even worse, I had hired one of my cousins to work at Attitude Is Altitude so he could learn about starting a business. I was afraid he’d think that he’d apprenticed himself to a loser.

Those nagging thoughts were very difficult to deal with. My old fears of failure and of being a burden assailed me like an angry swarm of insects. I’d been working so hard, and with the release of my first book, I was finally beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And then the light went out.

Depression set in. I didn’t want to leave my bed. Even though I felt like I was in no shape to be offering anyone motivation or inspiration, I had to fulfill several speaking obligations. I’ll never forget those appearances because I only got through them with God’s grace and mercy. I cried for two hours in despair right before speaking at one motivational seminar. A friend was with me during that crying spell and then attended the speech. He said it was the best talk I’d ever given! I didn’t believe him until I saw a recording of it later. I wasn’t operating under my own power; God was hard at work that night.

I made it through that appearance, but the next day my despair once again overwhelmed me. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. Anxieties whipsawed me day and night. It was crazy, mate. Strange things happened to me. When I was a kid, I had a nervous habit of biting my lip. I started
doing that again! What was that about? I’d toss and turn all night and then wake up with a sore and swollen lip and my chest and stomach in knots.

Strangest of all, four or five days passed before I could even think about praying. I’m a habitual prayer. My inability to pray scared me. When days went by without a single prayer passing my lips, I worried for my soul as well as my sanity.

My mental paralysis left me unable to make even the most minor decisions. Normally, I fly through the day making dozens of important decisions regarding my schedule, projects, and other business. During this troubled time I couldn’t decide whether to get out of bed or whether I should try to eat.

My lethargy was humbling, to say the least. It was as though I’d become another person. One day, a group of employees and contractors for Attitude Is Altitude gathered at my house, and I found myself trying to explain the transformation.

“The Nick you’ve known, the big dreamer and overachiever, is gone,” I told them tearfully. “He’s done. I’m so sorry I let you down.” Those closest to me—my parents, my brother and sister, my friends, and my advisors—did their best to console me at first, and then, as I continued to wallow in despair, they rallied around, trying to snap me out of it. They held, hugged, and reassured me. My ministry staff members were ever gracious, giving me space but sharing jokes, smiles, and hugs to encourage me. They even quoted me to myself. “Nick, you always say that as long as you can look up, you can get up. Watch your DVDs and videos, remind yourself of what you already know!” they suggested. “There is a lesson in this. You will get through this, and you will be stronger than ever. God has a reason!”

It was so surreal to have someone quote my own words to me to try to
lift my spirits. Yet they were right. I just needed to be reminded of the same things I tell others all the time. I was the poster child for someone whose faith was missing in action. My guilt and shame over the cash problems of my business left me questioning my value, my purpose, and my path. I didn’t doubt God’s perfection. I just couldn’t access my belief system because of the despair.

Another who tried to help me was a Dallas friend, Dr. Raymund King, who is both an attorney and a physician. He had arranged for me to speak at a medical seminar, and I didn’t want to disappoint him. But when I arrived, he could see I was emotionally and physically drained.

“You have to take care of yourself first,” he said. “Without your health you will lose all you’ve worked for.” Gently, he took me aside and counseled me about keeping my priorities straight, and then he prayed a simple prayer with me and hugged me. It had been a struggle just to get there, but Dr. King’s caring words really hit home. It may have been the best motivational speech I’ve ever received. His words stayed with me because he obviously was concerned for me.

His little talk reminded me of one my father gave me when I was just six years old. I had a tendency to be a little reckless and over the top when it came to throwing myself around. I’d banged myself up clowning around with a classmate who offered me a bite of a banana while I was sitting in my wheelchair. I lurched forward to chomp on it like a monkey, and in the process I tipped forward in my chair, crashed to the ground, and banged my head so badly I blacked out momentarily.

My father’s concern was touching, and I’ll always remember his words: “Son, you can always get another banana, but we can’t get another Nicky, so you need to be more careful.”

Like my father, Dr. King urged me to examine my actions and their
impact on my life. I had been driving myself because I thought the success of all my endeavors depended on me when, in fact, I should have trusted in God and relied more on His strength and His will and His timing.

That lack of humility and faith led to my meltdown and the loss of joy in my life for a brief season. I began to see my speaking engagements as a duty rather than as my purpose. Because I was afraid I would not be able to provide what mourning students needed, I even turned down a request to speak at a high school where there had been a student suicide. I cried after refusing that opportunity because speaking is my passion and helping others is the source of my joy.

I wish I could tell you that one morning I woke up with a clear head and a renewed spirit, jumped out of bed, and announced, “I’m baaaaack!” Sorry, it didn’t happen that way for me, and if you go through a similar rough period, you may not pop right out of it either. Just know that better days are ahead, and this too shall pass.

My comeback played out in small steps, day by day, over a couple of months. I hope your recovery comes more quickly, but there are benefits to a gradual revival. As the fog of despair slowly lifted, I was grateful for every ray of light that came through. Even more, once my head began to clear of the self-defeating thoughts, I appreciated the time I was given to reflect and contemplate my plunge into the abyss.

It should go without saying that putting your faith into action is not a passive exercise. You have to actively and willfully take the necessary steps to locate and move along the path God designed for you. When you fall off the path, as I did in this instance, at some point you have to ask yourself
what happened, why it happened, and what you need to do to resume your journey of faith and purpose.

The worst times that test your faith can be the best times for renewing it and putting it into action. A wise soccer coach once told me that he values losing as much as he values winning, because losing reveals weaknesses and failings that have probably been there all the time and need to be addressed if the team is to experience long-term success. Losses also motivate his players to work on the skills they need to master in order to win.

When your life is going well, the natural tendency is not to pause and assess it. Most of us only take the time to examine our lives, our careers, and our relationships when we aren’t getting our desired results. In every setback, failure, and defeat, there are valuable lessons to be learned and even blessings to be unlocked.

In the early days of my despair over my company’s debt, I wasn’t much in the mood for seeking out the lessons. But they found me over time, and the blessings revealed themselves too. I don’t like to reflect on that period, but I force myself to revisit it because new layers unfold and more lessons emerge on every visit. I encourage you to look for the learning points in each of your own challenges. You may be tempted to put hard times behind you and out of your mind. No one likes feeling vulnerable. It’s certainly no fun recalling how I wallowed in my misery, held pity parties, and grossly overreacted to what proved to be a temporary setback.