Until I Love Again (35 page)

“I'm sure something can be worked out,” Rosalyn responded. “I'm not sure what Susanna has in mind—but considering the way the girl works, she could probably be in two places at one time and not surprise me at all.”

Rosalyn's and
Daett
's laughter filled the room. Even
Mamm
smiled a little. Susanna returned to busying herself with the food preparations, and warm circles raced around her heart.
Daett
wanted her home, even on her terms. He was also willing to face Deacon Herman's possible disapproval.
Mamm
still loved her too, Susanna reassured herself. Somehow they would all come to terms with what life had given them and allow the Lord to lead the way. Rosalyn had been right. Susanna had needed to come home. She stirred the potatoes and listened to the sounds of the conversation behind her.
Daett
had taken Rosalyn and
Mamm
into the living room, where Rosalyn had charmed even
Mamm
from the sounds of their voices. Truly the Lord was at work in their lives. She would comfort herself with that thought. The Lord was seeing fit to extend mercy toward them, and she would rejoice in every small gift of grace.

Chapter Thirty-Five

T
he following Tuesday morning found Susanna and Rosalyn lingering at the breakfast table with coffee cups in their hands. Outside the open kitchen window, birds could be heard chirping, and the two women listened to them with soft smiles on their faces. Susanna allowed herself to relax and let the quiet of the morning soothe her spirit. She still wasn't used to the
Englisha
world, but Rosalyn had done her part in making the transition easy. Staying busy helped, and this past weekend had been a rush. All the cottages had been at full capacity, and two of the couples had stayed over into Monday.

Rosalyn knew the value of hard work to heal the soul of its wounds. This morning they had risen early. Susanna had been raised on a farm where you got out of bed before the sun rose each day. From what she had seen of Rosalyn, the woman must have acquired similar habits long ago. In many ways this place was like home, which must be the Lord's grace to help her ease into the
Englisha
world. She would have made it at the Macalister's place, but this was so much better.

Rosalyn interrupted Susanna's quiet thoughts by saying, “Joey's
picking you up this morning to drive you over to your parents' house.”

Susanna almost spilled her coffee at Rosalyn's words. “What! I thought you were driving me.”

Rosalyn smiled slyly. “I think it's time you and Joey see more of each other, don't you think? You've been hiding out here for over a week, and he's getting quite impatient.”

“But why?” Susanna sputtered, though she knew exactly why Joey wanted to see her. “I've made him no promises.”

“And that's how it should be,” Rosalyn agreed. “But you do need to see him, and you have my approval if you choose to spend more time with each other. We'll make it work with the schedule around here.” Rosalyn gave a little laugh. “I can exist on my own, you know.”

“Of course you can!” Susanna said, wrinkling her face. “You were doing just fine before I came. You didn't even have to take me in, but you did. For that I should be on my knees all day in thanks, and yet I hardly ever tell you how much I appreciate what you've done.”

Rosalyn reached across the table to touch her hand. “It's an honor, dear. How else could I have enlivened my boring life? Meeting you was exactly what I needed. And through you I finally got to see the inside of an Amish home! And to meet your parents.” Rosalyn gave Susanna a tender look. “Susanna, you do know they love you, even though it may not feel so at times. Even your Amish mother does in her own way. I hope you know that.”

Susanna looked away. “I try to remember. They have always done the best they could for me. I'm only sorry it wasn't enough… or what I really needed. I thought I would turn out to be a happy Amish girl, and now—”

“Your father doted on you, didn't he?” Rosalyn interrupted.

“
Daett
spoiled me,” Susanna said. “I see that now. He let me get
away with things he shouldn't have.
Daett
didn't want to know what I was doing all those weekends on my
rumspringa
time. I was in my own dream world. Now it's all come crashing down.”

“Don't look back, dear,” Rosalyn chided. “I know the pain is there, but it will heal.”

Susanna forced herself to laugh. “Oh, I know it will. Perhaps I'm just too self-absorbed. Everyone has problems, I guess. Why should I be any different?”

“That's true. Many young women your age have far worse problems.” Rosalyn glanced at her watch. “You'd better get ready for Joey. He'll be here any minute.”

Susanna sat up straight and fixed a smile on her face. “I'm ready now.”

“Good. I'm going to do some book work in the office. You and Joey enjoy each other, okay? He's a good young man,” Rosalyn said as she stood to leave.

“Joey has been a true friend,” Susanna agreed. “I've come to realize that more than ever the last few weeks.”

“I think I hear him now,” Rosalyn said with a twinkle in her eye.

“Thanks for everything,” Susanna said over her shoulder as she dashed toward the door. Then she slowed, realizing a wild dash out to Joey's car would leave the wrong impression. Joey shouldn't know about the delight that stirred inside her at the thought of his smiling face. Susanna stepped slowly outside.

“Good morning,” Joey called through his open car window. “You look cheerful this morning. Rosalyn must not have worked you too hard.”

“She's a jewel,” Susanna said, climbing in the car. “And
goot
morning to you.”

“Off to Amish land again.” Joey gave her a long look. “You're not thinking of moving back, are you?”

“I'm not going back,” Susanna answered. “Don't look so worried.” She reached over to give his hand a quick squeeze. “And thank you for taking me this morning—and picking me up again tonight, I assume.”

“Yep! I'm yours for the day,” Joey chirped.

“Were you worried, thinking I'd consider going back?”

Joey started the car and drove out of the lane before he answered. “Not really, it's just that—”

Susanna stopped him. “You don't have to say it. I understand, and I'm thankful.” She paused. How was she to express her feelings to him? So much in her present world was still new, and Joey was her friend—only now she wondered if he might be more than that to her. She had to be honest about that too.

Joey smiled as he settled back into his seat. “So what does the day hold when you get to the homeplace? Will you scrub pots and pans all day and wash laundry and clean the fireplace cinders?”

“Maybe. What's wrong with that?”

“You're a real Cinderella, I suppose,” Joey teased.

Susanna thought for a moment before she remembered the
Englisha
tale of the servant girl who worked for her harsh stepsisters and stepmother before she finally married the prince.

Joey chuckled. “You do know the story, don't you?”

“
Yah
.” Susanna hid her face. “But I'm not Cinderella.”

“And neither am I the prince,” Joey said. “But like the prince, I do care about you, Susanna. More than I can ever say. I hope you know that.”

“I suppose I do,” Susanna allowed, but she didn't look at him. Could she love this man as her husband? The thought left her weak. She had always known she would never love Ernest Helmuth even if she married him. Yet he had been the only man she had ever considered for a husband. As for Joey, what if her feeling for him was
just gratitude? Joey deserved better than that. He deserved a wife who could love him with her whole heart.

“Did I offend you?” Joey asked, and his hand found hers.

Susanna forced herself to look at him and smile. “It's not that, Joey. You brought up the Cinderella story, which I know little about. But I know the Amish Humpty Dumpty story better. We chanted the little rhyme in the school yard all the time.” Susanna closed her eyes and said the words from memory. “‘Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall; Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.' That,” Susanna said when she opened her eyes, “is who I am.”

“I disagree,” he said. “You
are
Cinderella, and the Lord will give you a new heart. That's why I was worried you would try to put the old one together again. You could never be the wife of that…” Joey appeared angry and waved his free hand about the car. “Whatever his name was. I'm glad that egg is broken.”

Susanna couldn't keep the smile off her face.

“That's better,” Joey said, glancing at her.

“In truth, you probably pushed this poor Humpty Dumpty off the wall.”

Joey laughed. “No, it just had to happen. But I'm here to help put Humpty back together again. Maybe all the king's horses and all the king's men just weren't up to the task.”

Susanna joined in his laughter as Joey slowed for the Millers' driveway. “I wish I had all the answers for you, Susanna,” he said. “That way you'd fall into my arms like Cinderella did with the prince, but I don't. I just know that I love you. I know your past, and I believe your best years are ahead.” A mischievous look crossed Joey's face as he parked beside the barn. “With me, of course,” he finished.

“Oh, Joey,” Susanna said, meeting his gaze. “You know I can't make promises. I wish I could, but I—”

“Go,” he said. He placed his hand on hers again. “Have a good day, and don't work too hard. I'll see you at five, and we'll go out to eat. Will you give me that much of a promise?”

Susanna took a deep breath. “That I can do.”

“And we'll go shopping,” he teased.

“I'm holding you to that,” she shot back as she stepped out of the car.

A grin filled Joey's face as he turned the car around and drove out onto the road. Susanna watched until the car disappeared from sight before she moved toward the house.

This was not her home anymore. She was only here for the day. She no longer had to think about Ernest Helmuth or how she could fit herself into his life as his
frau
. That was all behind her. She would go eat with Joey tonight, and she would hold him to his promise to shop. She had no idea what to buy, but she didn't
have
to buy anything. She could use the time to familiarize herself with her new world. Maybe Joey was right. Maybe she could be put back together again. Maybe she could even return Joey's love. The thought took her breath away.
That is more than I can handle,
Susanna told herself as she hurried up the sidewalk.

Mamm
greeted Susanna at the front door. “
Goot
morning. I see you've come.”

“
Yah
, I said I would,” Susanna responded. “Put me to work!”

Mamm
led the way back inside. “I started the laundry before breakfast, but the first load is still in the basement. I guess you…”
Mamm
paused. “Susanna, I still feel bad about this. You don't have to—”

“I
want
to.” Susanna gave
Mamm
a hug.
Mamm
clung to her and tried to say something when Susanna let go. “It's all right,” Susanna said.

Susanna hurried toward the basement door.

“I'm glad you're home,”
Mamm
called after her, “even if it's just for the day.”

“So am I,” Susanna responded before she took the familiar basement steps one at a time.

Chapter Thirty-Six