Until I Love Again (36 page)

T
hat evening the clock on the Millers' kitchen wall ticked toward five. Susanna placed the last plate on the table and arranged the utensils in their proper places. She stood back to take in the familiar sight as
Mamm
walked in the room.
Mamm
's quick glance took in her work. Everything was set as it should have been, but Susanna knew why
Mamm
frowned. They had avoided the subject all day.

“I'm leaving at five with Joey,” Susanna said before the question was asked. “But I'll be back tomorrow.”

Mamm
's frown didn't fade.

“Maybe I can stay for supper tomorrow night,” Susanna suggested. “But tonight Joey asked me to eat out with him, and—” Susanna stopped.
Mamm
's distress would only increase with details of Susanna's evening plans.

“I'm glad you could come today.”
Mamm
tried to smile. “And for all the work you did. This was a godsend. But can't you think of what's best for yourself, Susanna? It can't be the way you're headed right now out in the
Englisha
world. Maybe if you came back slowly into the community it would work this time?”

Susanna opened her mouth to speak, but
Mamm
rushed on. “I know I've failed you often over the years, but I'd try hard to make
things work this time. Your old room is still upstairs waiting for you.”
Mamm
ended on a hopeful note.

Susanna stepped toward
Mamm
. With both hands she reached out to touch
Mamm
's arm. “
Mamm
, I can't come back. It's not about you trying hard…or me, for that matter. You're certainly not to blame for any of this. I know you loved me like your own child. I'll always be grateful for that. I had a great childhood,
Mamm
.” Susanna forced a laugh. “It's not as if you chained me up in a dungeon or something.”

Mamm
laughed with her and then fell silent.

“Can we slowly build a new relationship?” Susanna searched
Mamm
's face. “Please?”

Mamm
seemed confused. “A new relationship? But…”

“What once was can never be again,” Susanna said. “I think you know it can't. And would you have wanted me to live with Ernest Helmuth as his
frau
if I didn't love him?”

“But you would have learned to,”
Mamm
protested. “And Ernest will still take you, even now. He looks like a man lost in the woods at the service. You could love the man.”

“You know I couldn't,” Susanna insisted.

Mamm
reached up to tuck a few hairs under Susanna's
kapp
. “At least you're still wearing this.”

Susanna took a deep breath. “I'm not making any promises about even that,
Mamm
. I'm
Englisha
now, and I'll act like an
Englisha
woman soon.”

Alarm filled
Mamm
's face. “You'll come home looking like them? You know
Daett
will be getting in enough trouble already.”

Susanna shook her head. “Don't worry. I'll look decent here. I'll keep my Amish dresses and my
kapp
, but I can no longer dress like I'm Amish when I'm out there in the
Englisha
world.”

The sound of Joey's car pulling into the driveway came through
the open kitchen window. Susanna gave
Mamm
a quick hug. “Let's just love each other,” Susanna said. “Okay?”

“Okay,”
Mamm
whispered, through tears.

Susanna nodded and slipped outside. She had seen Henry and James and
Daett
at lunch, and Noah when he came home from school. Tobias had been busy playing most of the day and was now resting quietly in his room upstairs. Susanna still hoped some of them might come out to see her off, but no one came through the barn door as Susanna climbed in the car.

“No tears?” Joey teased as he turned the car around. “That's progress.”

“No tears,” Susanna repeated. “But that doesn't mean it was easy.”

“I'm sure it wasn't, but you held up well,” Joey said tenderly. “So, what restaurant will it be?”

“You choose,” Susanna said. “But first I have to go home and change.”

Joey raised his eyebrows and gave her a long look. “You appear fine to me even after a long day's labor. That's one of your gifts. Perfection whatever the situation, you know.”

“You never used to be this irritating,” she teased. “Now take me back to Rosalyn's place, and I'll put something on that I haven't worked in.”

“Okay,” he said with a grin. “I still say you look fine.”

“Does Rosalyn know about our going out to supper?” Susanna asked.

“Does she need to know?” he asked as he slowed for the town limits of Canton.

“It just seems like the right thing to do,” Susanna said. “She'll want to know.”

“She knows,” Joey said. “I called her, and she's ecstatic that we're having an evening out.”

Joey took his time to work through the stoplights in Canton. He seemed lost in thought, and finally Susanna glanced at him. “Did you have a difficult day at school?”

“A little, but nothing unusual,” he said. “I want to start law school next term, so I've had to take some extra classes to make that happen.”

“That's sounds interesting. I've never…” Susanna searched for words. She knew next to nothing about the
Englisha
ways of schooling. “I've always wanted to learn more but never had the chance.”

“It's never too late,” Joey said. “You could go back to school if you want to.”

Susanna sighed. “No, I don't think so. Learning this new way of life is going to be more schooling than I can handle. But I'll always want to learn, I'm sure. Beyond that I'm still a little Amish. Maybe that's something that will stay with me. I want things like a home, a husband, children, and of course…” Susanna stopped. She had best not go on.

“I think that's perfectly beautiful.” Joey's voice soothed Susanna's ruffled spirit. “You need not have regrets about that. Education isn't all there is to life.”

“But all your family is educated, aren't they?”

“Yes, but that can be both a blessing and a drawback,” Joey said. “I grew up in the home of a successful lawyer who was always busy with his work. Dad tried to make time for his children, but there was never enough. I don't want to live like that, even if do become a lawyer. So don't devalue yourself, Susanna. You have graces I greatly admire and need.”

Susanna avoided his glance and began to blush. “You shouldn't say such things,” she whispered.

“I'll say what I wish,” Joey declared, “and that's that.”

Susanna managed to laugh as Joey sped up once they neared the other side of Canton. When Joey pulled in the lane to the
bed-and-breakfast, Susanna hopped out of the car and called out, “I'll be right back.”

Rosalyn met her on her way to her room. “Why are you here? I thought Joey was taking you out to eat.”

“He is,” Susanna said. “I have to change.”

Rosalyn took in her dress and shoes. “I suppose you could, but you look clean to me.”

“I want to look like someone from his world,” Susanna said. As she went into her room, Rosalyn followed her. Without hesitation Susanna picked out the best
Englisha
dress she had made so far and slipped it on. With a flourish she loosened her hair bun and allowed the curls to flow over her shoulders and all the way to her hips. She would have to cut her hair to shoulder length soon, but this would do for now. A few brush strokes would be
goot
enough with clips for the loose sides. Susanna finished her hair and turned in the mirror to check the results.

“Okay, I guess,” she muttered to herself. “Different—that's for sure.” She knew her
mamm
would have passed out from shock.

Susanna turned to Rosalyn, who had been waiting. “Is it okay?”

“You look stunning,” Rosalyn said. “Now go.”

Susanna stepped outside and carefully kept her back to the car. That couldn't last for long. She would have to face Joey. Susanna gathered herself together and moved toward the car. When she climbed in and closed the door, Joey stared.

“Is it that bad?” Susanna asked.

“Oh, sure. It's just awful,” he teased.

“It's the most
Englisha
looking I've ventured so far,” she said.

Joey started the car and drove down the lane. “It's stunning… stupendous.” He looked both ways before he pulled out on Route 68. “I think I have to go home and change to match how good you look.”

“You don't have to,” she said.

“I was kidding.” He reached for her hand. “You don't know what this means to me. After all this time, and to see you like this. My heart overflows with…well…”

“Stop it,” she ordered. She pulled her hand away with a shy smile.

Silence filled the car as Joey grinned. As they approached town again, his gaze drifted toward her at regular intervals. Susanna smiled each time, and Joey's face lit up. Susanna finally asked, “Are we going to do this all the way to wherever we're going?”

Joey chuckled and cleared his throat. “We will be adults now and behave,” he said. “I will look straight ahead and not at the beautiful woman next to me. When we get to the restaurant I will pretend she's my sister and that I can barely stand the sight of her.”

“Joey,” Susanna giggled. “Stop it.”

“I can't help it,” Joey said. His face was sober, and his hand found hers. “I love you, Susanna. I have for a long time.”

Susanna wanted to say the words too, but they stuck in her throat. Joey seemed to understand.
You'll have to give me more time
, she almost said, but she was sure Joey already knew that.

When the car came to a stop at a red light, Susanna leaned across the seat and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

T
he following Saturday morning, Ernest Helmuth drove his buggy east of DeKalb toward Deacon Herman's place. His hands hung loose on the reins, and Gambit took his time.

“Getup, there,” Ernest shouted through the buggy windshield, but the effect was nil.

Even Gambit no longer responded to his commands. Ernest's frown deepened. How was he to keep his head up at the Sunday services with things in the condition they were? The younger boys who gathered in the barnyard after the services had begun to snicker unashamedly when he walked past them. He was an embarrassment. Susanna should be the center of the community's outrage and concern, but she wasn't.

Now that the issue had been resolved, everyone seemed to have heaved a collective sigh and moved on. He hadn't. How could he when the humiliation was so great? Even the news of his rejection by Bishop Mark from the neighboring district had somehow leaked out—as it always did in such a close-knit community. He should have known better than to risk the visit to Bishop Mark, but he hadn't been able to help himself. No danger seemed too great when
it came to Susanna. He had desperately wanted her as his
frau
and as a
mamm
for Lizzie and Martha. Was there shame in that?

There was no shame, Ernest reminded himself—except the community didn't see things that way. What they saw was a man jilted by a beautiful woman. Furthermore, she had jumped the fence rather than marry him. It would have been better for him to have never made a move for Susanna's affections, than to have her reject him for such a lowly option. He would never regain his former high standing in the community, but somehow he must try. In the meantime, the risk he had taken for Susanna's sake had gotten him into deep water. Could any further risk make things worse? He would speak with Deacon Herman again this morning, regardless of the cost.