Unwanted Stars (30 page)

I stepped out of my tour clothes, took a hot and relaxing shower, and lounged in the terry cloth robe from my luggage. I was starting to create routines that helped me to feel at home. Bringing my favorite robe, having fresh foods in my room, all of these things made living out of a suitcase a little more manageable.

When I pulled my phone out of my purse and pressed the button, nothing happened. Damnit. It needed a charge. I plugged it into the wall and searched my luggage for a wine bottle opener (another tool that made life on the road more bearable).

Wine uncorked, PJs on my body, telenovela on the television, and I was living the life. I'd finished my glass of wine and decided to check my email and text messages on my newly charged phone.

I was shocked to see over ten notifications for text messages.

What the hell?

Hadley: I need to talk to you

Shit. She sent this last night.

Campbell: Missing you

- I miss you too, Starsky

Hadley: Seriously, I know you’re on a bus. Call me.

Interesting.

Jason: Are you there?

Weird. He never texts me.

Hadley: I’m not kidding, Aud. This isn’t something I will text you

Is she having a bridezilla moment? Did they screw up her dress or something?

Campbell: How’s Spain, minx?

I really need to call him.

Hadley: Auden Emily Kelly!!!!!!!

Okay, something's wrong. She never uses my middle name.

Jason: I tried to stop her...

What the hell?

Hadley: I tried.

Okay, time to reply. She's being way too cryptic.

Me: What the hell is going on????

A loud knock on the door made me jump. I glanced at the clock. 8:00pm. I checked myself briefly in the mirror, assuming that my tour members were looking for restaurant recommendations. But, when I opened the door, I was wishing I'd checked my phone sooner.

"Mom?" Charlotte Kelly stood in front of me, cheeks ashen, deep bags under her eyes, hair pinned back in a simple clip. She looked absolutely awful.

"Auden, honey, I—" Her voice cracked as she placed her hand in front of her mouth, biting down on her bottom lip. "May I come in?"

"Mom, what are you
doing
here?" I asked, instinctively crossing my arms in front of my chest. Seeing her here was overwhelming and I couldn't process my emotions. Pissed off Auden wanted to push her away, make her leave, reject her to make her feel as much pain as I was feeling. But the other part wanted to curl up in her lap like I did when I was young. Let her stroke my hair and recite sweet poetry. My heart and my head were at war.

"I had to see you, sweetheart."

"Okaaaay." I was not about to break the ice. This was her mess, not mine. It was up to her to fix it. And I was not about to help her in any way.

"I know...I know that you know."

"You talked to Nan?" I asked, feeling my tone as it turned vicious and defensive.

"No. Your brother."

"Goddammit. He wasn't supposed to—"

"He wasn't going to tell me. He was giving me the silent treatment, which is so unlike him."

"So you just magically figured it out? Puh-lease," I said, storming to the other side of the room and pouring another glass of wine for myself. Charlotte just stared, still holding her bags.

"Oh for God's sake, put your bags down, Mother." I rolled my eyes. She placed her bags on the floor but never took her eyes off me. Her eyes were pleading with me to forgive her.
It's not going to be that easy.

"He and Hadley were both acting weird. I knew something was wrong. He'd searched through my pictures and looked shaken when he was through. I started to put everything together. When I realized it'd been weeks since you answered a call or a text, I just knew."

"Oh."

"Jason and I talked. He asked me to wait until you came home for the wedding, but I couldn't. I had to see you."

"Fine. Now you've seen me," I said, gulping down the wine as if it was water.

"Sweetheart, go easy on the wine."

"
You
don't get to tell
me
what to do. Not anymore."

"You're still my baby, Auden. No matter how angry you are, and I get it, I really do, you're my little girl. My pride and joy."

"Whatever," I scoffed, pouring another glass.

We stood in silence.

"I'm so very sorry, sweetheart. So sorry."

"That doesn't change anything. Not. A. Thing."

"Please, just...hear me out. There's so much to say."

"Fine, sit," I said, plopping myself on the bed. My skin was starting to tingle from the alcohol.

"I don't know where to start."

"Why does
everyone
say that? Just start at the beginning, for God's sake.”

"Okay, the beginning..." she said, the wheels spinning in her head.

"You were on a plane for God knows how many hours and you aren't even sure what you want to say?"

"I-I've practiced in my head for days, but nothing's good enough. Your father and I made a mistake."

"Nice," I said, glaring at her. "Sorry to have ruined your life."

"No, that's not what I meant. Our mistake was keeping this a secret."

"Oh."

"That was never our plan, but it's how things ended up. And that's what I need to explain."

I shook my head in exasperation. "Go ahead."

"Jason was a toddler, Maya was in second grade, and we were planning for a third, but things weren't going well. We'd tried for over a year, but it just wasn't happening. I'd call Nan about it and vent. It’d gotten to the point where I thought we were only meant to have two..." Her voice trailed off as she waited for permission to continue. I nodded, finding myself engrossed in her story. Still angry and pissy, but engrossed.

"Nan called me one morning and told me to sit down. She said she had news and that it might be the answer I'd been looking for."

"Tabitha was pregnant."

"Yes. And her boyfriend had died. She was a mess. She was only four months along when he was killed. He didn't even know, and she was self-destructive and fighting with her parents."

"They kicked her out."

"Yes," she said, surprised at how much I knew, "they did, and she was staying with your nan and granddad."

"And then Nan came up with her grand plan," I sneered.

"Is that what you think happened?"

"What the hell am I supposed to think?"

"Tabitha didn't want to be a mother. She was completely overwhelmed. She just wanted to have a normal teenage life, go out with her friends, see movies, go on dates. She didn't want a baby. Knew she couldn't go through with it."

"Wow, this just gets better and better. Are you saying she almost had an abortion?"

"She considered it, yes."

"Holy Christ," I said, standing up and walking to the window.

"There's no sense in leaving anything out, honey. If you want to hear the truth, you have to hear it all. You have to understand where we were coming from."

"Ugh, I'm so sick of everyone expecting me to care about their side of things. I'm the only one whose world has been ripped to shreds!"

"I know. And...I wish I could fix that. I hope I can fix it...eventually."

I wasn't ready to even think about forgiveness yet. Just the idea of it made me uncomfortable.

"Keep going," I said gruffly, still staring out the window. She sighed before continuing.

"Tabitha and I were never close. I was so much older than she was, but she knew I was a decent mom. And the fact that I lived in the states was a bonus—"

"Because she wouldn't have to see me?" I turned to glare at her. I was becoming completely unhinged by this entire conversation.

"Yes." She shrugged. God, this hurt.

"Nan sat her down and offered to help her for the rest of the pregnancy if she would consider letting us adopt you. And she did."

"Okay, fine. But why keep it a secret? If you'd just told me this a long time ago, I would've accepted it. I would have! But now I'm a mess. A total mess. I've fallen in love for the first time in my life, and I can't even enjoy it because of all this."

"I want to hear about him," she said gently.

"Not yet," I shook my head. "I'm not ready."

"I understand. But know that no matter how long it takes, I'll be here. Whenever you let me in again."

"And what if I don't?"

Silence.

"You didn't consider
that
, did you?"

She shook her head, her eyes growing wet.

"What if I decide to get to know my real mother? To live here and never speak to you ever again?"

"That would be...it would be your choice. But it would devastate me. In a way that you'll never understand until you become a mother."

"Why did you lie?" I asked, enunciating each word.

"We didn't want to. Every summer we went to London, and every summer we'd drive up to Liverpool to see her."

"I thought she was living with Nan."

"After you were born and we came to take you home with us, she didn't want to stay. She wanted to pretend none of it ever happened. We took you there year after year. And every time, she'd avoid us. She wouldn't answer the door even though we could hear her inside the apartment. Her friends would tell us she wasn't there, but we knew she was. We didn't want you to experience that rejection."

"You still could have told me."

"You're right, I know. But we made the decision when you were four and Tabitha was arrested for heroin. We gave up on her, I guess. And you were such an emotional child—"

"
Dramatic
," I corrected.

She pretended not to hear me. "We didn't want you to know that there was someone out there who didn't want to be a part of your life, who instead chose to self-destruct. We wanted to protect you. And by then, you were ours.
Completely
ours. I think we were in denial, to tell you the truth."

"So you just pretended I was yours?"

She stood and crossed the room, pushing her bangs behind her ears before taking my hands into hers. Hers were ice cold and shaky. She was terrified. I'd never seen my mother so unglued. I started to pull away, but she raised her voice and pulled me back to her.

"Auden, you don't get it. You were mine the moment I held you for the first time. You were
mine
. I felt it in my bones. I felt it in my heart, my soul, my gut. You were
mine and I never looked back. Ever.
"

"
You
just don't get it. I have no place. I
don't
belong. Anywhere! I
don't
belong with her. I
don't
belong with you. I have no idea who the hell
I am
."

"I know it must feel like that, but—"

"You. Don't. Know.
Anything
," I screeched. "You don't know how this feels! You don't have a goddamn clue, Charlotte Kelly! And you never will. I hate you right now. Do you
not
understand that? I
hate
you!"

"Enough!" she shouted, squeezing her eyes tightly and holding her hands up in front of her face. When she opened her eyes, they were filled with tears. “Tabitha may have carried you for nine months, but I have loved you for twenty-three years. I loved you when you were only an idea, a possibility. I watched you take your first steps, speak your first words. I walked you to your first day of kindergarten. And I watched you walk onto a plane for a job that would put you a thousand miles away. I have loved you your entire life, do you understand me? Your entire life! Don’t do this! Don’t shut me out! I’m your mother, goddamnit!”

I opened my mouth to speak, but couldn’t say a word. She’d rendered me speechless. Charlotte swallowed hard, wiped her tears with the back of her hand, and walked to where her bags sat on the floor.

"I'm going to get a hotel room. Give you some time to...I don't know. Just some time. But I'll be here for a few days. And then I'll be at Nan's until the wedding."

"You're staying with Nan for that long? What about Hadley's shower?" I asked in disbelief.

"I'm choosing you right now. I want to be here if you need me."

"What if that's not what I want?"

"Then I'll deal with it. But when you're in London, I hope we can spend some time together. Get through this together. And if not, I'll understand, and I guess I'll just see you at the wedding." Her heart looked like it was breaking in two. But I couldn't back down.
No freaking way.

"I can't promise you anything," I said, shaking my head, my voice cracking as I held back tears. I didn't want her to see my pain, only my anger. I didn't want her to feel the love I still had for her. Only the hate. I couldn't be vulnerable. Not anymore.

"I know. And I won't ask you to. Just know that I love you. I will
always
love you as my very own. You are my daughter, whether you choose to allow me in your life or not. I've loved you for twenty-three years, and I'll love you until I take my very last breath."