Unworthy (15 page)

     “Excuse me.” Both men, my past and my present, look towards me, waiting for me to talk, but there is nothing there, only fear and hatred. I watch as the cold eyes that I have been forced to look into too many times make contact with Samuel. My heart breaks at the thought of him telling Samuel all his lies that everyone else has believed and although I know Samuel will be just the same as all the others there is a little hope in the depths of my broken heart that hopes and prays that he won’t. That I will be wrong about him and that Samuel will give me my hope back, that there is such a thing as trust and compassion.

     “Just a warning. You don’t want to stay with the likes of her.” He then looks back towards me.

     “Do us all a favor and go back to where you went to hide.” He looks at his girlfriend and just as when we were younger they both give away a cold laugh that still makes me shiver from my head to my toes.

     “What was all that about, Grace?” I hear Samuel say, but my body is still so shocked at seeing that couple that I can’t answer and only watch them walk away. 

     “Grace.”

     “Grace.”  I can hear his voice, but my ears don’t take the noise in so his words are just an unrelated noise that I can just ignore until he takes a hold of my hand and comes to sit in front of me.

     “What the fuck was that about?” He asks me in a quiet yet firm voice so as not to bring more attention to our little solitude. I run my fingers through my hair and begin to pull at the strands as if by pulling them out from their roots I can relieve some of the tension that is welling up inside me. It won’t work; it didn’t work last time only leaving my hair in shreds and half of it missing.

     “Grace, please.” I look up into his eyes and I am sure that he can see the tears that are building up in my eyes, making everything unclear just as I feel the first tears fall down my cheeks.  All of a sudden I am engulfed by Samuel’s broad body, I can feel every muscle of his upper body flex as he moves his arms around me, smothering me almost with his care, protecting me. 

If only.

     In what feels like my own bubble I am led through the park and through the town back to the hotel. When we get back Samuel sits me down on the settee and then sits down in front of me like it is where he belongs. I want someone to belong there; I want him to belong there. He grazes his fingers through my hair and I can’t help, but moan at the sensations that erupt before moving to my face and settling both hands on either side. With his eyes boring into my own I can hear the unpledged words that are spoken through those grey orbs.

     “Please don’t make me tell you.” I whisper as I continue to stare into his eyes, watching his face go from angry to concern all in the blink of an eye.

     “What’s going on, Grace? You can tell me. You can trust me.”

     “I can’t trust anyone.”

     “What would make you think that?” He asks me, still looking into my eyes as I look into his.

     “Everyone” And I can’t help the ongoing river that continues to fall down my face, going onto his hands, by which he seems unaffected.  I want to answer him, I want to finally trust someone and tell them all there is to know about my past, but I know deep down he will only be like all the others. Just like them he will only believe what he is made to believe and it won’t be my version.

     “What do you mean everyone?” Tears still fall as I shake my head, fighting with myself to not go with my gut instincts and tell him what I need to. My body is so tired it seems too much to even keep my head up to look at him and before I know it, with Samuel’s concerned face still watching me, I crash on the settee and close my eyes. 

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

SAMUEL

What the Fuck?

I’m pacing up and down the floor of our suite.

Did I just say our suite?

I did, I said our suite and I actually like the sound of it. I am more confused than I have ever been in my entire life and it’s all to do with the woman sleeping on the settee. I thought coming to her home town was such a good idea, I stupidly thought that coming here would make her open up more on her past. She has been getting better; she is so much more confident and sure of herself that she just glows in life. I couldn’t have been more wrong, as soon as I told her where we were going I saw her whole body go so stiff before me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. She was a completely different person, she was that scared girl again that I had first met and there was nothing I could do to ease her discomfort. I was determined to find out more about her, I was sure that she was the one my uncle was looking for. When I spoke to him the other day he told me more about his great love, the woman he allowed out of his life and he promised to send me a photo. When I saw that photo it was like staring at the woman who was quickly taking my mind over and I was so sure that I had found the right woman. I needed more information, though, and I was so sure that this was the right way to go about it, but I was so wrong. But I wasn’t going to give up. As much as I don’t want her to be upset I carried on anyway with my plan. When she saw where we were staying her face was beautiful, she looked so happy that all I wanted to do was try to keep that smile there all day, but it didn’t last. She was so quiet last night and today that I thought it couldn’t get any worse, but I was wrong. She was in stiff mode all day, as if she was expecting something to happen and then that dickhead turned up and the only way I can explain it is that she was in complete fear and shock. Her body was as cold and stiff as ice, even though there was warmth around us. I wanted to punch the bastard for upsetting my girl. My girl, she’s my girl, and mine to protect from dicks like him. As I think back through what the bastard said and her reaction after I can’t help, but think her secrets are to do with him. If he hurt her I will hunt him down and he’ll fucking wish he were never born. I can’t stand bullies; there is no room in my life or hers for shitheads like him. I look down at her and she looks beautiful as she lies there, so peaceful in her sleep.  All I want to do is protect her and love her till the end of time. I stop dead in my tracks as I continue to look at her and I realize that this messed-up woman who holds so many secrets has been able to do something that so many women before her have only dreamed of with me.

I’m in love.

I’m in love with this amazing and brave woman.

I’m in love with her. I can’t help, but keep repeating the words in my head and with each word that falls from my lips I can feel my heart come alive. It’s as if my whole body has come alive since I first met her, my body’s sensitivity has increased to optimum levels and each breath I take or each touch when I’m with her leaves me weak yet strong all at once. I never thought this was even possible, my father, uncle and all my sister’s and cousin’s husbands have all told me how you know when you have met the one. The one woman you are meant to be with. Your very existence is to make her happy and love her and as I think of Grace I can finally say I know it to be true. Spending time with Grace is so easy, she may be a closed book and I may have my work to do, but she will be worth it. It won’t matter what her secrets are, I want to be there with her, to help her through them. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, making her happy and having my own family with her. I can’t help, but think of a beautiful little girl with blue eyes and pigtails having me wrapped around her little finger. I can’t help the smile and the giggle as I picture her in my mind.  I am drawn back to the now when I hear a sudden cry. When I turn around I see that Grace is tossing and turning on the settee with sweat covering her entire body. She is muttering away to herself and as I get closer I can hear her moans.

     “No”

     “No…..No….No.”

     “Daniel, please, no.” And then the moans are replaced by a sudden shout and all I want to do is wake her from her nightmares.

     “N………no.”

GRACE

     My mum and stepfather are entertaining their guests again. I can hear the boom boom boom of the music as the vibrations make their way through the house and to my small room on the second floor. I lie on my small bed on my stomach trying to do my math’s homework, but as always it’s difficult with the noise coming from downstairs. But I try my hardest, as always. My stepfather’s son has come to visit again this weekend. His name is Daniel and he goes to the same school as me, he’s one of the many bullies that pick on me on a daily basis, but I have gotten so used to it that I just try to ignore them. It’s been going on for as long as I can remember. I’m the daughter of the town whore, who always smells and wears dirty clothing so all the other kids just call me names. I have no friends, I’m not wanted at home and my mere existence annoys the woman who gave birth to me so much that she hardly talks to me. It’s alright, though, it’s been going on for so long that I have just gotten used to it and it means that I can concentrate on my schoolwork. I live in the rougher part of town, where the other children seem to run wild but me, I am just content to stay in my room and try to better myself. As soon as I can I’m leaving the town that hates me and I’m going to make something of myself. I’m going to prove everyone wrong who has ever said that I am worthless and won’t amount to anything. I don’t know if it’s true, but I sometimes have dreams of a better life, a life where I am loved by both my mother and father and I will get it back. I will make my mother proud, and if he’s out there someone, my father too. Of course, my mother always reminds me how I ruined everything; how my father couldn’t stand to look at me and forced us out to live here. I don’t know how much of it’s true and as much as my mother continues with her taunts on a daily basis she’s mostly high as a kite when she does, so I try not to listen, just like everyone else. The thoughts of getting away from here and doing something important with my life keep me going. I hear the shouts of the people downstairs, who undoubtedly are doing some sort of drugs, so I don’t hear my bedroom door open. I am trying to concentrate on a particular sum when all of a sudden I feel a hand around my mouth and nose and all the air is sucked away from me as I go into panic mode.

     “Don’t make a sound, you little bitch.” My blood turns cold as I hear my stepbrother’s voice in my ear and I can feel his breath on my neck. My whole body turns cold as I feel him move on top of me, trapping me in my own bed just as I break out in a hot sweat.

Oh my God, what’s he going to do to me?

Shit, I’m so scared that I can’t make my body try and fight him as he moves around on top of me, pushing harder against my mouth and nose.

     “I’ve been looking forward to this.”  He suddenly moves an arm around my neck and I’m sure he’s going to kill me with the amount of pressure he uses. Just then his hand that is covering my mouth and nose is removed, but before I can make a sound he is forcing some fabric into my mouth. He quickly turns me around so I am on my back, my homework on the floor in a mess and he forcibly moves my arms to above my head and begins to tie them to the metal headboard. Once my hands are tied so tight that there is no hope of me escaping, he gets up off me and just stands by the foot of my bed, watching me. All I can do is watch him, begging him with my eyes to just untie me and let me go. I don’t know what he’s going to do to me and I’m so scared I just want to melt away. Vanish and become unseen like all the other times I am around people.

     “Look at you. You look so pathetic just lying there, scared.” He steps towards me and gives me a slap across my face, the sting takes my breath away and tears start to well up in my eyes.  

     “That’s for being the daughter of the town whore who ruined my parents’ marriage.” His face holds so much anger that I hardly recognize the teenager that stands above me and all I can do is shake my head as he just laughs at me while I try to speak through the fabric in my mouth.

     “Let’s see if you’re just like mummy.”

     “N…….no.” 

I sit straight up, my breathing coming in so fast that I find it difficult to take in any air and when I do it feels like it’s burning all the way to my lungs.

I’m in hell, that’s the only way to describe the way I feel. I’m hot and sweaty and yet cold all at the same time. Oxygen burns as I breathe it in and it hurts so much with each deep breath I take, my skin feels sensitive and I can still feel his fingers on me.  The way his fingers scratched down my back and I can feel the blood and open skin he left behind. My scalp feels like my hairs have been ripped out of their follicles and my core remembers the beating it went through as he ripped through my virginity like it was trash, like I was trash. The tears are freefalling down my cheeks and I can’t control them as I hear his voice in my head, tormenting me with every word he said.