Unworthy (19 page)

He looked after me, though, when I needed him. After so many years of having to look out for myself when no-one else would Samuel had done it without even being asked. As I think back over the way he has made me feel, the look of concern on his face would embed itself in my brain for an eternity, reminding me how much he cares.

Could he allow himself to care for longer than a few moments though?

Will he still want to when he knows my past?

When he knows what I do to the ones I love.

I care too much, I think I may love Samuel far too much to allow him to get sucked into all my bad ways and if something were to happen with us that is what would happen to him and I can’t let that happen. I just can’t. I know once he knows the truth, when it has something to do with me he won’t want to know. Whether the whole thing is true or not will have to wait. The only thing I am truly interested in is my raging hormones to that man. Ever since I met him that night in the club I’ve been drawn to him, as much as I try to deny it, I can’t.

     I am beginning to want him. I do want him with such a heat it feels as if any moment the flames will engulf me, surrounding me with their intensity.  With each day passing by he is drawing me in, drawing me closer to his web and when I am finally caught Samuel will unleash his fangs and destroy me with a simple touch. The more I stay the stronger his pull will pull me in and I can’t do that to myself or even to Samuel. His effect will last on me, but his fascination won’t and then I will be left all alone just like before with those crushing words destroying my every waking thought, just like before. There is no denying it, it would be better if I leave.

I can no longer stay so close to him wondering when he will finally see sense and think of me like all those others had.

I have to leave; I can no longer work for him.

It is the only thing that makes sense.

CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

GRACE

     “Grace, what is this?” I take in a deep breath as I try not to make eye contact with the man I love. I love him. I love Samuel Harding and right now he’s holding the white envelope, waving it in front of me as I feel the panic overtake me. I don’t want to do this, but I know I have to. I love the man in front of me from my toes to my head, but I’m too damaged to deserve him. As much as I don’t want to do what that letter suggests I know I have to. My life has forced me to be realistic and I must do it. I’m sure there is no way he could feel the same about me, no that’s not right, I know he doesn’t feel the same way about me and I and he are safer if I just end this thing we have now. How could I be so stupid? I should have seen that something like this would happen. He did something to me the moment I first laid eyes on him and the attraction between the two of us has only gotten worse the longer I have stayed working for him. I can see Samuel pick the envelope between his fingers and look it over as he watches my entire body shake with nerves.

     “What is this, Grace?” I can’t look at him, I can’t. If I look into those beautiful eyes I will succumb to him and retract the bloody thing and I can’t do it any longer. I can no longer do this and try and fight the demons that lie beneath my troubled mind.

     “Grace, look at me” I begin to shake my head, but before I know what is happening I can feel Samuel’s warm hands on either side of my face, trying to get me to lift it so he can bewitch me with his eyes.

      “What’s wrong?” I look into his eyes and I see the pleading that lies beneath those beautiful grey irises.

     “I can’t do this any longer.” I whisper.

     “What?”

     “It’s my resignation.” At that one word I can see the shock in his eyes and I want to comfort him, but I know I can’t.

     “I can’t be this close to you all the time. It’s not good.” I take in a shattering breath.

     “It’s too hard.” I attempt to go for my safety net around my wrist, but just before my fingers take it I pull away with a sigh.  

     “What do you mean?” He says while he pulls away from me and uses a finger along the edge of his jaw and I have to try and concentrate on other things rather than his handsome face and those damn fingers that could do wonderful things to me.

     “Samuel, you know what I mean.”

     “We get on?” He asks me and before I answer him he talks again, more forcefully this time.

     “I thought we got on.” And I watch while that finger brushes quicker along his jaw and his eyes swim with their worry and concern.

     “We do.” I say, trying not to give away my emotions. “We get on far too well. It’s not good for business.” Another deep breath, that’s all I seem to do around this man.

     “That’s the problem.” And I turn around to walk away into the seclusion of my own room, away from him where I really belong until I feel his hand in mine and in a flash he turns me around so I’m facing him yet again. His eyes are searching mine and he goes to place his hands on my face before he quickly pulls them back down his side again. I can feel the heavy breaths of his breathing against my own face and the firmness of his erection as it grows against me. This is all so wrong, we work together, he’s my boss and if that wasn’t bad enough I’m not a good omen for the people around me. The newspaper from yesterday tells us that, they caught us once and already I have given him and his family bad press and I can’t do it to him. We’re not even in a relationship, only a work, so what would happen if we were in a different one? I can feel my body heat rise while I try to control the sudden urge to vomit, yet again.

     “Why is that a problem?”

     “You know why it’s a problem”

     “No, I don’t, that’s why I’m asking you. You seem to be the only one with a problem here, sweet cheeks.” Did he just call me sweet cheeks again? Why did I love it and hate it all at the same time, it didn’t make any sense, but when did anything in my life make any sense. I attempt to look away from him and run away, but he has a firm hold on my hand so as my head looks down he uses his other hand to take a firm grip of my chin and raise my head for me so I’m looking once again into his eyes.

     “Talk to me, Grace.”

     “Please.” And there’s that look again that every time he uses I find hard to ignore.

     “You’ve been messing around with me since we first met and I’ve had enough of it.”

     “And what, may I ask, have I done?”

     “You know exactly what this is about, Samuel.”

     “I have no idea what you’re on about, sweet cheeks.” He gives me a look that tells me he knows exactly what he’s been doing to me, the bastard, and I can feel my blood begin to boil within my veins, making me flush to new extremes even for me and I want him. I want him to take me in his arms and take away all the pain I hold in my heart. I want to feel his lips against my own as he ravishes me with a love so great that it will blind me with its power. I shake my head to try and get rid of those thoughts, why does he always make me feel like this, so crazy that I have no control over my own thoughts, just pulling on the strings that entrap me.

     “Arghhhh you’re so annoying. Can’t you just accept the resignation and be done with me? It’ll be the right thing to do in the long run.”

     “No I can’t, you’re the best I’ve ever had.”

     “What?”

     “You heard me, sweet cheeks, and I don’t just mean about your job.” I can’t help, but pull away from him and walk across the room while running my fingers through my hair and giving it a small tug as I do it. I have the sudden urge for my band again, but I’ve been doing so well and I fight it.

Fight it. Fight it.

You don’t need it, you don’t.

     “Grace, would you stop and look at me please.” I stop and watch him and he looks so confident and sexy and all I can think is how I want to rip his clothes off and feel him fill me. Oh God, what is it with this man? Why does he always leave me feeling like this? I have never been like this over a man before and I really don’t like it, it scares me. It scares my entire being and I can’t control myself for too much longer, I know if I stay I will do something I will regret.

     “You know what, you’re so impossible, I hate you sometimes.” I shout.

     “You hate me.”

     “Yes I hate you, so just let me quit already.”

     “I can’t let you do that, Grace. Besides, we both know your body is giving away your real feelings.”

     “My real feelings?”

     “Yes. But I think we’ve already had a discussion on how your body betrays you.” He steps towards me and one of his fingers gently graze down my face and I try so hard not to lean more into his touch, but it is too hard. I’m home, I feel like I am where I belong and I want more. This man bewitches me every time I try to control myself around him and I find I hate myself more. Why won’t he just let me go? Can’t he just tell that I need to go for my sanity? That he’s driving me insane with all his mind games? I hate him and I love him all at the same time, but I can’t allow for him to have feelings for me and if we carry on the way we are I’ll destroy him with my devil ways.

     “I can’t care for anyone else; it comes with too much pain.” I whisper.

     “Was that you care for me? I couldn’t hear you.”

     “How could I not, Samuel, you’re perfect. Any girl would be lucky to have you.” He walks up to me and places both his hands on to my cheeks so he is holding my face and I know this is what I want for the rest of my life. I can’t, though, girls like me don’t deserve to be happy, I have damaged far too many people to get a happy ending.

     “I care for you too, Grace.” His thumb rubs gently over my cheek as he still holds my face in his hands where I feel they belong. As I look into his eyes I can see there is more he wants to tell me. I only hope it’s not what I’m beginning to feel for him.

I can’t be loved and I can feel the tears begin to fall, that’s all I seem to do at the moment.

     “There’s something about you. You’re unlike any other woman I have known.” He pulls my face closer to his and before I know it he is attacking my lips and I feel like my legs are giving away from beneath me as my whole body lights up in an inferno I have never felt before. It’s as if my body is no longer my own; I have no control as Samuel tries to control me.

     “No, Samuel, I’m not.” He looks at me with questioning eyes.

     “You can’t because I’m not a good person.” His eyes are dancing around their sockets trying to take me in and understand me. I wish I understood myself, but I am far too complicated.

     “That’s not the woman I know.”

     “That’s because you don’t know me.”

     “Yes I do. I know you more than you know yourself. You’re amazing, Grace, you make me smile, laugh and think of having a future with babies and a house with holidays. You care for everyone around you. You always worry about others even though you have been hurt in the past. You may not have told me, but I know you’ve been hurt and although I know you’re not ready to tell me about it or even for you to hear what I want to tell you I will be there waiting until you’re ready.” My eyes are pooling with unshed tears as I watch him smiling at me while I shake with his revelation.

     “I don’t deserve you though. Everyone else will think the same thing.”

     “I don’t give a fuck what all the others will think.”

     “I think you do and that’s all that matters.” He wants to say it, I can see it in his eyes, and it scares the hell out of me, but he won’t say it. His hands leave my face and he begins to stroke his fingers down my neck where they move down to my breasts where I can feel the many months of need awaken a sexual desire I have tried to hide from this amazing man who wants me. He actually wants me and I want him and before I can control myself I attack his lips with a force I didn’t know I had within me. He kisses me back as his fingers reach to my face where they stay at my cheeks, holding me in place while he devours me.

     “You’re mine. All mine. Do you understand, Grace? Mine.”

He may have pulled himself away from me only briefly, but I can still feel his closeness and his erection through his jeans.

     “Y…yes. I’m yours Samuel. Only yours.”

He attacks my lips again and I can feel him move his arms to my bum where he bends his body and grabs hold of my muscles as he lifts me up as he stands. I wrap my legs around his waist and he carries me to his bedroom still kissing me as if his life depends on it. He gently places me on his bed and before I know it he is pulling my trousers off my legs with my knickers following. I am too far into this moment to even think about stopping him and when I feel him at my top I allow him to remove that as well. He kisses at my lips again, his tongue dancing with mine and then I can feel his feather light kisses around my jaw and to my ear where he gives them each a suck and a pull. He moves his divine lips down my neck where he bestows more gentle kisses and blows where they have been and I can feel my breathing coming in quicker as he seems to take complete control of my body. The intensity in the situation I find myself in is so much that I have lost complete control, I am a slave to the desire Samuel is giving me, and I can do nothing, but enjoy his lips and fingers as they worship me. I feel both his hands at my breasts massaging them with his forceful fingers and then they slowly reach to my back to release my breasts from their confined prison. We stay like that for I don’t know how long, me naked and he fully clothed as he kisses and touches every inch of me, staying clear of the area I am so desperate for him to attack. He pulls away from me and stands at the side of the bed so I can see him as he undresses himself as slowly as can be, teasing me further than he has before. I reach out for his hand as I whisper.