Unworthy (25 page)

     “So this is THE Grace that has had such an effect on my only grandson. It’s a pleasure to meet you finally, Grace.”

     “Finally.”  I say as I look to Samuel and then to the rest of his family. I shake his grandmother’s hand and I am surprised by the strength she has. Samuel’s grandfather then steps up to me and grasps my hand as he follows on from his wife.

     “My dear, ever since he got to England all we have heard about is you.” I look around at them all with complete shock while the old man takes his seat next to his wife and son. Samuel leans towards me and I can feel his hand on my knee as he whispers in my ear.

     “Are you OK?”

     “I’m fine.” I manage to squeak out just as the waiters come to our table with starters. I can feel Samuel squeeze at my knee as he smiles at me and his whole face just seems to light up right in front of me. He’s so beautiful and I would so much like to be able to be the one to always put that smile there, but I know deep down that I can’t and as I sit there I can feel my heart break. No matter how much I have tried I still manage to hurt myself and I think I will hurt him too. I try to fight the tears as we go through the marvelous meal and I can’t help, but keep getting the thoughts of actually belonging here. By the time we have finished our main meal I excuse myself to the bathroom.

     “Are you OK?” Samuel asks me.

     “Yeah, I just need to go to the bathroom.” I try to say as quietly as I can, but it doesn’t seem to work as I see Kimberley stand up.

     “I’ll join you. I’ve drunk too much champagne.” As we step away from the table and make our way to the bathrooms which are located between the two tents I can feel Kimberley lace her arms through mine.

     “I have never seen my brother look so happy.” She says as she keeps tapping away at my other arm and I have to try so hard to keep the tears that threaten to fall at bay until I reach the bathroom. As soon as I enclose myself in the cubicle the waterworks start up and I can’t seem to be able to stop them. I don’t know how long I just sit there until I hear a knock at the door and then Kimberley’s voice.

     “Are you OK, Grace?” I wipe away the tears as I attempt to answer her question without giving away what I have been doing.

     “I…I’m F….fine.”

     “Grace.”

     “Yeah.”

     “No, you’re not. Can you please open the door?” I don’t know why I do it, maybe it’s the motherly tone of her voice that I have spent my whole life wanting from my own mother, but I open the door and as soon as I do I am engulfed by a female cuddle.  

     “What’s wrong?” Kimberley asks as she begins to stroke my back trying to comfort me. As much as I try I can never get rid of the idea that I will never be good enough for Samuel or this world he lives and works in.

     “I’m so stupid.” I say within the tears that can’t help, but fall from my eyes.

     “What would you say that for?” She asks as she pulls away from me so she can look at my face just as the main door opens and someone starts to walk in.

     “Not now, we’re busy.” Kimberly says with an attitude I have never heard before. The woman at the door looks at me and then at Kimberly before she slowly retreats back out the door with a grunt.

     “Tell me what you’re thinking.” Kimberly asks me.

     “I can’t believe I ever thought I was worthy enough to be with him.”

     “What?”  She says as she attempts to push my chin up so I have to look at her.

     “You listen to me. I have never seen my brother look as happy or content as he has these last few days. From the moment he met you all he has ever spoken about is you. His whole world has changed because of you and in the best way possible.”  She wipes away some of the tears that have fallen and I feel Kimberley is like a sister. I have never had anyone look after me like this before and as much as the feeling is alien I can’t get over how nice it feels. I want to feel a part of something, something that’s far more important than me, greater than me and for some strange reason I feel I could almost have it with this family whom I’ve only just met. Of course the feeling is not allowed to last long as Kimberley utters the three words I fear as much as anything.

     “He loves you.” My world crashes around me as I try to come to terms with what she said, but I can’t do it, I’m too afraid of what those words mean and I have to get away.

CHAPTER TWENTY NINE

GRACE

     I get up as quickly as I can and dash out of the tent as fast as my legs will take me. All I need to do is lose a shoe and my transformation into Cinderella will be complete. I can hear Kimberley shout at me as I walk away, but I have to get away from the crowd and think. All I have ever wanted is to be loved for who I am, to be appreciated and valued as a human being, but I have never found it. My own parents never loved me and I was always seen as the devil child who burned everything I touched. I hate myself and the woman and man who brought me into the world hate me, so how can I expect anyone else to love me, especially someone like Samuel Harding.

     “Grace.”

     “Grace, stop.”

     “Grace.” I feel a strong hand on mine and recognize  the voice and when I turn around I see the man I love with all my heart standing in front of me, begging me not to keep running.

     “What’s the matter? Where are you going?” He says as he holds my arms at the side of me so I can’t move.

     “I had to go.”

     “Why?”

     “Because I was confused.”

     “Babe, you need to do better than that.” I can’t help but laugh when he says that and instantly as with all the other times he makes me feel better.

     “Don’t go laughing, thinking I’m going to change the subject.” He says as I can see the struggle within him as he tries to control his own laughter.

     “I’m sorry; I am just so fucked up.” He runs his fingers through my hair and then places them on each of my cheeks so that Samuel is now holding my face in his hands.

     “I know you are, Grace.” He kisses my nose and gives me a smile. He uses a finger to graze my hairline as he continues.

     “I can only hope that one day you will have faith in me and tell me what’s going on in here.” He places both hands on my head and then moves them to my heart. “And here.”

He slowly moves both his hands down my waist and then moves them to around my back where he pushes me into his body and leaves his arms around me where I yet again feel I belong.

     “Will you tell me one day?”

     “I will, I promise.” He looks down at me and there’s that beautiful smile again and my heart melts even further in love than I already am.

     “I have to be ready though.” I say, just to remind him that I am still so mixed up with my feelings and past.

     “I know. Come, let’s go home.” He lets go of my waist and takes a hold of one of my hands and leads me back through the grounds of his family’s estate to the front of the property where the cars are all waiting for their owners. As we come into view of Samuel’s his driver steps out of the front and opens one of the back doors so that we can enter. Samuel holds my hand as I step in and then he steps around the back of the car and comes in through the other door. As he sits down he scoots over next to me and I settle myself into his arms so my head is resting on his chest where I can feel the steady thumps of his heart and smell his scent that fills my body with a calmness that only this man can give me.

     The following day I persuade Samuel to just let me stay in his apartment. I can’t face doing anything or seeing him, but by the end of the day he has me out of my room. We don’t talk; I have nothing to say except the words I’m too afraid to.

     The next day we sit in Samuel’s New York office like we are sitting ducks, just waiting for whatever is going to happen to happen.

     “Why are we here, Samuel?” I ask him as he takes a seat by the side of me.

     “We’re waiting for my father and uncle.”

     “Why?”

     “They wanted to speak to us before we go back to London.”

     “Why, Samuel?” And at his evasive attitude I can’t help, but think that maybe they have come to tell us they don’t approve of me.

That I will be going back to London on my own and I should stay clear of their heir. The possibility is very high, they only have to do their research and they will be able to dig up a load of dirt on me. As I sit there watching Samuel watch me I wonder why we haven’t already had a conversation about my past, it’s bound to come up at some point and when it does I should be prepared for it. I can feel Samuel’s hand pinch my own.

     “Stop doing that.”

     “What?” I ask with a questioning tone I can’t help but add.

     “I know what you are doing and I want you to stop.” I raise an eyebrow in question as I wait for his answer.

     “You’re always over thinking things and I want you to stop.” All I can do is smile and just as I lean in, the door to Samuel’s office opens and in walks his father and uncle looking like they are two men on a mission. I don’t know why, but I instantly know it’s about me and I suddenly feel completely out of my comfort zone and it’s as if the walls of Samuel’s office are alight with fire and the intense heat is closing in around me, suffocating me in the process. I am grateful when Samuel draws me away from my thoughts, when he comes into my line of sight and bends down in front of me so we are eye level. As he watches me it’s as if it’s only the two of us in the room, no-one else exists as I watch his lips move as he comforts me with the words I can’t hear.

     “Grace.”

     “Grace, look at me.” As if a switch is turned on I can suddenly hear the sound of Samuel’s calming voice.

     “Grace, my uncle would like to ask you a few questions.” He places his hands on top of mine which are settled on my lap. I look over at his uncle and he gives me a comforting smile and I know from that smile I have nothing to be scared about. Samuel’s whole family has been nothing, but welcoming and kind to me and I know I have nothing to fear.

     “What my uncle asks you. There’s nothing to be scared of, OK?”

     “OK” And I look towards his uncle to begin just as he and Edward take a seat so we are all sat in an almost circle in the middle of the office. Samuel still has a hold of my hand and all three men look somewhat nervous yet content.

     “What do you remember about your father, Grace?”

     “W…what?” I look between the three men, but none of them give anything away.

     “Why would you want to know about my father?” I ask again and I can feel Samuel’s squeeze of my hand just as my heart begins to beat faster against the confines of my chest.

     “Can you tell us, Grace?” Samuel asks. I look again between the three men and I don’t know what comes over me after I take in a deep breath as I attempt for the first time to tell someone about my father.

     “I don’t remember much just that my mother told me he left us.” Samuel’s uncle leans in with hopefulness in his eyes as he asks me.

     “Can you tell us what you remember?”

     “I think he may have had money, I remember a beautiful home and other children, but I can’t remember what he looked like.” I look around the room as I get the courage to say the next bit that my mother always made sure I remembered. It was, after all, the most important part of the story.

     “My mother said that one day he had just had enough of me and forced us out. We were left all on our own and he never once tried to contact us to see what happened to us.” All of a sudden Samuel’s uncle stands up with such anger as he begins to shout.

     “The bitch! I can’t believe she told you that!”

     “What do you mean?” Just as the uncle is about to answer Samuel gets in before him and asks me another question.

     “What’s your mother’s name, Grace?”

     “My mother’s name? Why do you want to know that? What is this, Samuel? What do you think you know about me?” Samuel looks toward the other two men and then his uncle looks to me and bends down on his knees as Samuel had done earlier so we are at eye level with each other. I can’t quite understand it, but as I look closely into his eyes it’s as if I am looking into the depths of my own eyes. There is a similarity to them that I don’t understand. I try to shake the unease I get at that thought, but it doesn’t seem to want to leave me. I feel so confused. So much has been going on in my life since I met Samuel and his family, but I have never felt so cared for and safe.

     “Can you tell me, Grace? Please.” I have no idea why, but for some strange reason I get the feeling that I can trust this man, that he and his family may be the first that won’t feel hatred of me as I tell them my story.

     “My mother’s name is Jennifer Cross Ford, but she mainly went by Jen Ford.” As soon as I say the first two names every one gives away a small sigh of relief and I look towards all three of them to get an answer. Why would they react that way? It doesn’t make any sense, but before I can get my answers Edward’s mobile goes off.

He answers after two rings and his face instantly changes.

     “What’s wrong?”

     “Are you sure?”

He listens intently for a few minutes before he speaks again.

     “Fuck. You’re at the hotel?”

     “We’ll be there in twenty minutes.” He puts his phone back into his pocket and then looks towards Samuel, to me, then back to Samuel again.

     “What’s wrong, Dad?”

     “We need to get to the hotel. Your pictures are splashed all over the newspapers.”

     “Fuck.” Samuel shouts as his fingers graze the stubble over his chin. I just sit there in complete panic going back over what our conversation was about before the call to what are the headlines that have everyone in a state could be about. They can’t know my past, can they? My mother or stepfather couldn’t have spoken to the papers. I can feel the panic engulf my body as I watch helplessly as both older men get their coats and attempt to put them on. Samuel’s eyes stay on me as if he is trying to find out what is going on inside my head. Even I don’t know what is going on inside my own head apart from the confusion that is overtaking me

     “We need to see Michael and do damage control. God knows what they’ve printed.”  Samuel’s father looks towards him, waiting for an answer.

     “Are you coming?” He asks, almost annoyed.

     “You go on, I’m just going to talk to Grace.” He says and his father and uncle leave us on our own as I try to take back some control over my emotions.

     “Are you OK?”

     “What’s going on, Samuel?”

     “All you need to know is that I love you.” He’s never said that to me before and as much as I have felt it towards him I guess I never thought he would feel it back. The lost little girl I once was still lives inside my head and is always there in the background reminding me of all my flaws and how anyone who was supposed to love me left me on my own. The panic begins to build up as I think of another person telling me they love me, but leaving me high and dry in the end and I suddenly get the urge to use my band again, even though I have managed to suppress the need that speaks to me we such intensity I can’t ignore it. My fingers reach down to my hand and pull the band as far as it goes and then let go and the pain it brings makes me feel a little better, but nowhere near as good as normal. What’s wrong with me that my normal coping mechanism doesn’t have the same effect any longer? I can feel the bile begin to rise up my throat as the walls around me begin to close in, making it harder and harder to breathe.

     “Grace, look at me.”

     “GRACE”

     “Grace, come on, baby.” I can hear Samuel’s worried voice in the distance of my mind, reaching out for me, trying to calm me, but it is no use. I am in a trance of my own making and I can see no way out. I am aware of an arm around me, leading me through a building and like a puppet on her strings I just follow. All I can think about are my mother’s words as I had grown up.

     “This is all your fault.”

     “You worthless piece of shit.”

     “I hate you, we hate you. Even your father couldn’t stand to be near you.”

     “He left us because of you.

     “We live like this because of you. YOU, GRACE.”

     “You won’t amount to anything, you’re useless.”

     “I wish I never had you, I hate you, you’re worthless.” The words keep going over and over in my head, never giving me a moment’s peace as if I am in an endless river of my own despair. I keep going forward with no end in sight and I feel so angry at myself and the world. I just want this joyride to end, but I can see no end in sight and the despair at that realization stops my feet beneath me. That action seems to bring me back to the now and I can feel myself against Samuel’s hard chest. He looks down at me and then leads me through to his car. He settles me in my seat and puts my seatbelt around me, securing me in place before going around and doing the same to himself. I don’t look at him, I just watch New York City pass us by as he leaves light touches on my hand that settles on the seat between us. As we get closer to where I know the Harding Hotel is I can see the sea of people waiting for something. They have cameras and microphones in their hands and they all look so overwhelming.

     “Just breathe Grace, it will be ok.” I can hear what he says, but I don’t think I really allow myself to understand what the words mean. As soon as the car stops in front of all the people I can see flashes consume them, eating them up within the bright sea of light.  I can sense Samuel look towards me as he leans in to my ear where I feel his breath tickle my skin.

     “You’re going to have to get out this side.” All I do is nod my confirmation as I continue to look at the madness outside. 

     “It will be alright. I’ve got you.” Just then, the door to the car opens and an array of shouts are greeting us. Samuel gets out and leans in to take my hand as he helps me to get out. As soon as the air touches my cheeks the flashes of cameras seem to get worse. The shouting of the people around us gets much worse as we begin to make our way through the people. It’s scary and confusing with each bulb flash or with every question shouted at us.

     “What do the two of you have to say?”

     “Mr. Harding, how can you still be with her?”

     “Miss Ford, what do you have to say about your wonderful past?”

     “What will happen to your business, Mr. Harding?” The driver of the car takes complete control in getting us through all the people and their questions. I try not to listen to them, but they all seem to be pushing and pulling each other to get closer to us. I can feel the odd person bump into me or try to pull me away from Samuel, but he keeps me close to him and he just follows his driver as quickly as he can. Soon I manage to see the entrance to the hotel, but just as we get there it appears that the worst of the people are there waiting for us.

     “Miss Ford, what do you say to those who think you are a slut?”

     “A baby, Mr. Harding, what must you think?”

     “How can you be sure she won’t call rape again, Mr. Harding?”

     I try not to listen, but as their questions get worse it gets harder to ignore as I realize that my secret is probably out. Samuel and his family will think the worst of me, all these people just as the ones back home have already condemned me as a witch. No-one will care that none of it is true, that it was all taken out of context by the one person who was supposed to help and protect me. Samuel helps me go up the stairs and as we reach the last one we are greeted by a member of hotel staff who is at the door opening  it for us so we can dive into the comfort and protection the hotel lobby has to offer us. As soon as we step in the cold air of the conditioning is an instant relief for the heat that was surrounding us from not only the effect of late summer in this city, but of the people outside as well.

     “What’s happened?” Samuel asks while still having a strong hold of me. I watch as his father and uncle step towards us with another man I have never met before. They are all holding newspapers, and when the younger gentleman comes closer to us he hands us each a selection. My world stops turning as I go through each newspaper and I can’t believe what I can see. Everything I have ever tried to forget about myself is staring me back in the face and what’s worse the one man I love, the man I want to have a future with, now knows all my horrible secrets. I hate myself, I hate my life and everything it represents and I need to get away and so I do the only thing I am good at. I run away.

CHAPTER TWENTY NINE

GRACE

I close and lock the door to my fucked-up world while I hear the familiar words in my head.

     “Do it, you know you want to.”

     “The release will make you feel better.”

     “You know where you can find it, just do it.”

They hate me, the whole world hates me, and it’s all thanks to my stupid past. A past I have so desperately tried to overcome, but to no avail. I thought it was getting better, I thought by moving away from Taunton I could  put my past behind me, but it keeps rearing its ugly head, tearing my new world up into tiny little pieces. The one good thing I have and it’s being ripped away from me. I look down at all the newspapers and all the front covers are covered with pictures of me and Samuel with the most horrid headlines.