Unworthy (28 page)

     “How is she?” My father asks and I look between the two of them.

     “She had a panic attack.” They both stand up to go to the room to check on her when I stop them by putting my arm up in front of them.

     “She’s OK. She’s asleep at the moment.” I look towards my uncle as I say the next part of my statement.

     “I think she’s definitely who you’ve been looking for.” Just as my uncle is about to say something we hear the doctor.

     “I just wanted to let you know that we got all your blood results back.” I watch as the doctor looks towards my uncle.

     “It appears you were right. She’s your daughter.”

The doctor walks away and we all seem to just stand there in a bit of a daze. Grace is part of our family whether she likes it or not and the thought makes me smile. I watch as my uncle takes in a deep breath and looks toward my father as he says.

     “I knew it, I knew it. The moment I saw her at your house, Edward, I just knew she was my daughter.”

     “She was halfway through telling me about what happened during her childhood before she had her panic attack.” I look towards my uncle yet again as I say the next part.

     “I don’t think it’s a good story. I think you may need to be prepared. When she wakes up hopefully we can get her to tell us the rest of her story, but you will have to tell her yours.”

CHAPTER THIRTY TWO

GRACE

When I awaken again Samuel is sat next to me holding my hand and I notice that his father and uncle are sat opposite my bed also looking at me like they are trying to read my thoughts and I instantly feel uncomfortable.

     “What’s wrong?” I can feel the bile rise up as I wait for their answer and I suddenly have to speak.

     “I’m sorry.” I whisper.

     “I’m so sorry. I’ll understand if you want me to go away.”

     “Why would you say that?” Samuel’s uncle asks me and as I look up I can see all three men have a look of concern and worry on their handsome faces.

     “I….I’m too much trouble. I’ve always been too much trouble.” I raise my left hand to wipe away the tears as I hear my mother’s words in my head.

     “It’s all your fault.”

     “You’re worthless.”  The words are driven away as I hear Samuel speak to me, only me; I’m the only one in the room as he says.

     “Can you tell me?” I watch his pleading eyes begging to hear my story and for once in my life I can’t help, but want to tell him.

     “F...from the b…beginning?”

     “Please.”

I take in a few deep breaths as I begin, trying to think that it’s only Samuel that I’m talking too, if I see the others I won’t be able to do this.

     “I must have been three and half or four, I’m sure Mum used to work for a rich couple. This one day the owners of the home were having an argument and saying such horrible things to one another and then the next thing I knew we were being forced out. My mother hated me for that; she let me know that our perfect life had been ruined because of me. She never forgave me and we moved to a town called Taunton in Somerset. We lived in a council house and my mother would just stay at home using drugs or smoking, but she was always in nice clothes and smelled nice even through the drugs. I looked after myself, there was never any food or soap for me to use and the other children would make fun. It went like that for a few years until she met someone and for the first time in years she seemed so happy, but it was never for me. She would still remind me how I ruined her life, how I was worthless and she hated me. She would tell me that every day and I would just go to school and try and work harder, I wanted to show her that I could be a good girl, but the good reports never seemed to make her happy. The only thing she was happy with was her new man and eventually she married him. There was a big rumor that the guy was married and that he and my mother had had an affair, of course he had a son and that son went to the same school as me and I was never allowed to live it down that I was the daughter of the local whore or family wrecker. I would cry myself to sleep most nights, if it wasn’t bad enough that I got picked on because of my lack of clean clothing or washing then I got picked on for this new revelation too. I hated it and I hated my life so much, but I so wanted to make a change I didn’t want to always be known as that girl so I worked so hard in the hope that I could change my life. It was going so well up until his son came to stay the weekend with us.”

     I take a deep breath and the tears begin to form as I remember the next part. The words he said to me, the way his skin felt against my own, forcing their way through my innocence like I didn’t matter. Like I was just there for his own gain. 

     “O….Our parents were having a party downstairs so they couldn’t have heard anything. I couldn’t sleep, the music downstairs was so loud, but I can still remember the sound of the creak of the door opening and his footsteps. He raped me that night, he ripped through my virginity like it was nothing, like I was nothing just a worthless piece of shit. The whole time he called me every name under the sun and told me that if I told anyone he would hurt me and that no-one would ever believe the daughter of a whore.”

     My tears are freefalling down my cheeks as I can hear all the words he ever said to me like it was only yesterday. I can’t help the shaking that overtakes my body and the sense of loathing I have for myself.

“I was so scared and I didn’t tell anyone the next morning. I didn’t even try to beat him away or struggle when he came back the next night. Nothing was said that week during school, but a couple of weeks later there was another rumor that I was just as bad as my mother. The weeks went by as normal, but I was so sick and not even my mother seemed to care or worry. I had missed my period and then I missed the next. I was getting sick almost every day and I was sure I knew what it was, but I was too scared to confirm it. I didn’t know what to do, I was so scared, I was sure soon someone would notice my swelling stomach. He came to stay again one Sunday evening and in the early hours of that Monday morning he came to me. He ripped through me like I was nothing, forcing me to lay on my stomach, I was so scared he would notice I had gotten bigger that I just did it, I didn’t realize it could be bad for the baby. I was just so young and scared that I let him do it. When I got up to escape to the bathroom he saw me, he was so mad.”

I can hear those angry words with the pain my mind remembers from the hits to my stomach and my face.

     “You stupid bitch. You’re fucking pregnant.”

I remember those words so clearly just like every other one ever said to me.

     “He punched my stomach and then slapped me in my face so hard that I fell onto my side and then he kicked me in my stomach and it hurt so much. He left, calling me horrible names as he closed the door and I just stayed there on that floor clutching at my stomach just hoping it would be OK. I managed to get to school, but the whole time through those morning lessons my stomach was so bad I thought I was going to die. I don’t remember too much except I was in so much pain and I collapsed right there in the school hallway with all the other children walking to their lessons. I remember waking up in the hospital with my mother and stepfather standing there looking at me like I was a terrible person.”

I can still feel their pairs of eyes staring at me and I was too afraid to look up at them.

     “Oh, Grace, I am so sorry you went through that.” I hear Samuel say and I’m sure I can hear him say it through tears, but no-one has ever cried for me before.

     “There’s more, it’s not over.”

     “What?” I hear three different voices say at the same time as each other and I know I have to continue with my story. With that I take in a few deep breaths as my left hand goes automatically to my stomach where it had tried to do the best thing in the world, but failed just like everything else in my world. I’m a big failure in everything I do and I am so tired of it, so tired of always feeling like no matter what I do it is never enough, no matter how much I try and although I want to take my anger out on my own treacherous body I know that I have a story to try and finish.

     “I…I had l...lost the baby. I…I lost my baby, the only good thing that had ever happened to me and I lost it and no-one cared.”

I attempt to stop the snuffle as my tears are freefalling like a damn river down my cheeks.

     “I tried to tell the police or even the nurses what had happened to me, but no-one was interested in what really happened, the whole town it appeared was more interested in coming up and believing lies. By the time I got home a few days later Daniel had convinced everyone, even the police in town, that I tricked him into losing his virginity and that I was evil enough to try and have him arrested for rape. He raped me like I was nothing and he turned everyone further against me. After that day I was merely vermin that needed to be squished. That’s how I lived the next few years, every step I took around the town I considered home I was just rubbish to them, a horrible little whore.”

I look up at the three men and I see anger in their eyes and I instantly fear it’s for me. All the anger I ever saw in anyone’s eyes was always focused on me and nine times out of ten that anger brought me a pain I would never forget.   

CHAPTER THIRTY THREE

SAMUEL

     I don’t know what to say or even do as I watch Grace turn on her bed so her back is towards us as I hear her weep. I want to comfort her and help her, but right now I have an anger so fucking intense boiling up within me that is getting ready to erupt that all I can do is walk out and take a breather as I digest all that I have been told.

I wanted to kill that little bastard for ever going near and hurting my Grace.

I wanted to kill that bloody excuse of a mother of hers for never believing her own child, but right now as my father and uncle follow me out of Grace’s room I can feel the hatred coming off my uncle in waves even more intense than my own.

     “The bitch. She left, she just left and took my daughter with her and she was treated like that.” He stomps around the waiting area running his fingers through his graying hair and all my father and I can do is stand back and watch as the shit unravels around us. Just as I look up I can see the doctor approach us and I have no idea how to read his face as it’s unreadable.

     “Gentlemen.” And I can see the doctor look between all three of us.

     “I am going to tell Grace about her blood results and what it will mean for her. You may not want to allow her to hear this on her own.” All I can do is nod my head as if this is not really happening; I wish this was happening a different way if not at all, but this is the shit we have been dealt with. This is such a mess and there is more to be told and I have no idea how Grace will cope with it all and I just left her there. I just left the woman I love all alone as if I had more things to worry about when she has so much to go through.

I’m such a fucking bastard. All of a sudden my uncle stops his pacing and looks directly at my father and then me.

     “I have to tell her.” And he stomps towards Grace’s room.

GRACE

     He’s disgusted with me just as I feared since the moment I first saw him. The look in his eyes, in all three of their eyes, told me and then they left. Left me, all alone just like everyone else has ever done. I nestle more towards my pillow trying to hide myself away from the world that hates me so much, but it does nothing to protect my dying heart. I knew this would happen, it has always happened which is why my father left, which is why my mother hates me so much. I allow the tears to fall as I think how true all my mother’s words were. I tried to do something different with my life, tried to better my life and my curse still came back with full force taking my every hope and dream with it. All of a sudden I hear my door open and I can hear different steps walk into my room and I pray that maybe it is just the doctor and a nurse, but I am soon proven wrong when there is more than the doctor.

     “Grace, can I talk to you?” I don’t turn to look at them; if I stay facing away from them hopefully their hatred for me won’t be real if I can’t see it in their faces.

     “As you know you didn’t lose as much blood as we feared, but we had to find out what blood type you were in case you needed it. It appears that you have a very rare blood type, one I have only seen in a few and DNA suggests that we may have found your father.”