Vampire Charming (32 page)

Slade
frowned down at him, refusing to soften.  “What do you want from me?”

“Well,
I was thinking that maybe we could work together.”

“Work
together?
”  Slade repeated dubiously.  “I don’t think so.”

“We’d
be an awesome team!  Why not?”

“I
can think of many reasons, the primary one being that you just tried to murder
me.”

“That
was before I found out we were brothers.”  Roland retorted.  “Now, I’m totally
on your team.”

Slade
snorted at that idea.  “You will flee at the first sight of danger.”

“Probably. 
But, I might come back at the end, just when you desperately need help and
you’ve nearly forgotten about me.”  Roland nodded in encouragement.  “I think
that might be kinda my thing.  I’m the comedic, plucky, anti-hero guy.  What do
you say?  Can we team up?”

Slade
stared at him for a beat, once again thinking of what Jane would want.  “I’ll
consider it.”  He decided reluctantly.  “In the meantime, give me the Silver
Sword, so I can kill Fang.”

“I
can’t.  The Silver Sword is back at my blacksmith shop.”

“You
don’t have it
with
you?”  Gods, but the boy was hopeless.

“Why
would I have it with me?  I don’t have my blue diamond blade here, either.  I
told you, I didn’t come here to kill you.”  Roland rolled his eyes.  “Honestly,
I was kinda still working out the details of my plan, but I sure didn’t need
that stupid Silver Sword.  It’s kind of embarrassing to carry around something about
this
small.”  He held up his thumb and index finger to show an inch of
space.  “Seriously, if you’re planning to slay the Werewolf, you’re going to
need a bigger boat.  …I mean knife.”

“There
is no other weapon that can kill Fang.  We’ll have to go back to your shop and
get the damn thing.”

Roland
cast a doubtful look towards the sky.  “It’s quite a hike to town and it’s
almost dawn.  I think you’ll fry by the time we get there.”

“We’re
not walking.”  Slade scooped Jane into his arms and got to his feet.  “The
magma pits provide vast amounts of heat.”

“So?”

“So,
if there’s heat… I can teleport.”

Roland
blinked.  “Wow.  You are
so
damn cool.”

INT.- ROLAND’S BLACKSMITH SHOP- DAY

When SLADE teleports them to the
blacksmith shop,
FANG is
already there.
 It’s not a plot hole; it’s
an exciting twist!

Trust me, no filmgoers will question it
when the Werewolf is somehow lying in wait for SLADE, JANE, and ROLAND.  Seriously,
have you seen
Eragon?
  Audiences will accept
anything
in a
fantasy movie.  And if anybody does start whining about “logic,” we can use the
Blu-ray commentary to explain all the problems away.  Maybe Fang used the Dark
Fairy’s magicks to zap himself back to town.  Maybe he flew the Pegasus there
super quickly.  Maybe there was a time traveling DeLorean.  We can tell them
all kinds of shit, because the excuses are built right into the genre!

Anyhow, ROLAND takes off running as the
Goblins swarm SLADE.  The kid skedaddles out of the shop, dashing through the streets
of the village.  No one bothers to chase him.  All their attention is on the
Vampire.  SLADE kills twenty-six Goblins, but it’s hopeless.  They number in
the thousands.  (Well, at least a hundred.  A bunch of Fang’s men died at the
hands of the robots and Shadowmen.  Besides, we don’t want to pay
too
many extras and, logistically speaking, how big can a blacksmith shop really
be?)

SLADE fights bravely, protecting JANE’S unconscious
form.  The scene is very heroic and doomed.  Those
are the buzz words the
cinematographer needs to keep in mind: 
Heroic and doomed
.  Lots of
close-ups of SLADE’S heroic and doomed face.  FANG chortles, sensing that victory
is at last within his grasp.  The Goblins subdue SLADE, binding him in
enchanted golden rope.  Within the unbreakable coils, no magicks can be used. 
Slade is captured!!!!!

And everyone watching in the theater begins
to wonder if this film is becoming one of those award show darlings, where the lens
are all soft focus and hero dies at the end.

Redrafted Film Script- “From Here to Infinia”

Jane
heard the shouting before she even opened her eyes.  Had she been knocked out,
again?  Seriously,
again?
  What was this --like-- three times in one
movie?  Jesus, maybe she really
was
the heroine.  Only heroines fainted
so much. 
Such
a fucking cliché.  She really should start a letter
writing campaign to improve female roles in sword-and-sorcery movies.  This was
getting ridiculously sexist and repetitive and painful.

The
argument grew louder, drawing her attention from her aching head.  The
sentences were fragmented, but she recognized Slade’s voice and that had her
growing more alert.  Was he okay?  He didn’t sound okay.  Her fuzzy brain tried
to piece together the meaning of the words, wondering why he was so upset.

“…can’t
be here.”  He was insisting at a bellow.  “…impossible… you were just at the
Corpse Road.  This is the movie’s doing and I will not be cheated…”

Another
man was talking, too.  Sounding dazed and unconcerned with Slade’s anger. 
“…more beautiful… thought she’d be… Imaging that hair wrapped around me…”

“…one
curl and I will tear your fucking…”

The
second man laughed.  It was a self-assured mockery of true amusement.  “You are
defeated, Vampire!  …tried to take my woman and now she’s…”

Fang.

Jane’s
heartbeat sped up as she realized that the Werewolf had found them.  Everything
came flooding back, including the fact that she was probably now a Vampire. 
Great.  It was better than the “being dead” option, but not by much.  An
eternity of drinking blood and not getting a tan.  She was
definitely
going to kick Roland’s Justin Bieber-y ass, just as soon as they survived this
mess.

Meanwhile,
Slade and Fang continued their pissing contest.  The love of her
suddenly-endless-life was doing his very best to get staked.  “
My
Eternal-One… psychotic bastard will never…”

“…train
her to submit to
everything
I desire or…”  Fang’s voice changed, issuing
orders, now.  “Drag him into the sun to burn and bring the woman to…”

“Don’t
touch her!”

Jane
forced her eyes open.  She might be concussed and aggravated over her species-change,
but she couldn’t allow Slade to get himself killed.  She had about thirty
seconds to redirect this whole scene.  Given the time crunch, there was only
one plan she could think of and it was kind of stupid plot twist.  But, what
the hell?  This was Infinia, so stupid would fit right in.

Three
deep breaths and…

Action.

Jane
groaned, sitting up and resting a weary hand against her head.  “What
happened?”  She pretended to look around in confusion, but mostly she was just
taking stock of the situation.

She
was in some Frontierland version of a blacksmith shop, wearing a poofy dress
that looked a hell of a lot like Cinderella’s.  God only knew why, but it
really didn’t matter.  She had bigger problems than fashion don’ts.

Slade
was being restrained by Goblins.  Given the number of headless bodies lying on
the floor, he’d already slaughtered about twenty of their friends.  Damn, but
she was sorry she’d missed that part.  Meanwhile, Fang was gazing down at her
like she was a naked supermodel dropped into his hot tub.  The rest of his
creepy army stood around, just waiting to axe someone to death.  No sign of Roland. 
Hopefully, Slade had killed the little rat.

Well,
maybe not
kill
him, but at least maim his severely.

“Jane!” 
Slade tried to get closer and the Goblins held him back.  Five of them hit the
ground as he plowed towards her, unable to match his determination.  Several
others clung to his back, barely slowing him down.  “My One, are you alright?”

Jane
looked right at him and made her face go blank.  Slade would keep fighting
--heroes never knew when to quit-- but there was no way he could win against
these odds.  Not without some help.

Time
for
Dracula, Ph.D
to start.

“Who
are you?”  She asked in a voice that would’ve made any acting coach proud.  It
was perfectly in character: baffled, scared, and just a teeny bit accusatory. 
Her gaze cut around like she seeing everything for the first time.  Which she
kind of
was
.  “Where am I?”

Really,
she could take a guess.  This had to be Roland’s place, since he was the only
blacksmith in the movie.  Her eyes grazed over the tools and horseshoes
covering the walls, lingering on the hooks for a long moment.  Huh.  That was
interesting.

Slade
gaped at her.  “
What?
  Wait, you don’t know who I
am?
”

“No. 
Am I supposed to?”

Under
different circumstances, his utter astonishment would’ve been cute.  Right now,
Jane just felt bad about tricking him.  She
had
to pull this off,
though, which meant she couldn’t break character.  She was about to prove all
those TV critics and internet bloggers wrong, and give Clarissa the final scene
she deserved.

More
importantly, she was going to save Slade’s life.

“
Yes
,
you are supposed to know me!  You
must
know me.”

“I
don’t remember you.”  Jane gasped, her fingers pressing into her temples.  “Oh
no
. 
I think I might have… amnesia.”  Damn, that wasn’t her best read.  She could do
better.  Jane squeezed her eyes shut like she was trying hard to access the
forgotten details of her life.  “I can’t recall
anything
.  Not even my
own name.”

Slade
looked horrified.

Fang
seemed confused.  “What do you mean you cannot remember your name?”  He
crouched down beside her, his golden eyes traveling all over her face.  “You are
Jane Squire.”  He ran a hand over her hair, his fingers too rough as he fondled
the strands.  “I would know your scent anywhere.  I will soon be bathing it
in.”  He lifted her curls to his face and inhaled deeply.

Yeah…
that wasn’t creepy, at all.

Slade
went for Fang, managing to slam a massive fist into the Werewolf’s jaw.  “
Do
not touch her!
”  He bellowed again.

Fang
stumbled away from Jane, as the Goblins dragged Slade back.  “Vampire
bastard.”  Fang swiped a hand under his bleeding nose.  “
You’re
the one
who defiled her, not me.”  The Goblins held Slade still, while Fang started
ruthlessly beating him.  “You think I don’t smell you all over her?!  You think
I don’t know you turned her into one of your pathetic kind?!  You think I can’t
picture all the things you did to her body?  The body that belongs to
me?!
 
She is
mine
and you will never…”

Jane
covered her ears and started screaming.

She
had a really great scream.  It got her a lot of voiceover work during
Halloween.  Everyone turned to gape at her as she let loose with the shrillest,
most terrified cry she could muster.  It went on and on and on.

Fang
and Slade were so surprised they stopped fighting.

“Jane!” 
Slade tried to rush to her side, but the Goblins held him back.  “My One, please
stay calm.  You will be alright.  I swear it.”

Fang
forgot about torturing Slade and headed back over to her.  “Why are you
screaming, woman?  Is it because you remember the Vampire?  Does seeing him
hurt upset you?”  He grabbed hold of her.  “Do you
care
that he’s about
to die?

Up
close the Werewolf was dazzlingly handsome and icy cold.  Jane couldn’t have
hated him more.  Just being near him turned her stomach.  Jane wanted to cringe
away from his touch and rush over to Slade.

…But,
she didn’t.

Saving
Slade meant she had to keep going.

“Of
course I don’t care about him!  You just said he made me a
Vampire!
” 
She threw her arms around Fang.  “It’s like I’m trapped in a nightmare.  Please
don’t let him hurt me, anymore.  I’ll do anything you say, if you’ll only keep
me safe.”

Slade’s
jaw dropped.

Fang
liked the pleading.  She could feel his arousal pressed against her.  His
growing desire made her flinch, but hopefully he’d just chalk it up to fear
over the memory loss.

“Take
your fucking hands off of her.”  Slade snarled at Fang.  “Jane,” he began to
look desperate, “this man is dangerous.  Do not trust him.  You must try and
remember the truth.”

“I
can’t
.  It’s all a blank.”  She swallowed, her eyes filling with tears. 
Clarissa was always a crier.  She moved away from Fang to lay a prostrate wrist
against her forehead.  Kind of overdone, but all the best actors pushed the limits. 
“Oh God!  Please tell me what’s going on.”