Vampire Charming (37 page)

“She
appeared?
”

“She
traveled to Infinia just long enough to tell me of Roland’s true identity.  I
was as surprised as you are.”

“I’m
not
surprised
.  Not about you getting a brother, anyhow.  This is a
fantasy movie.  Of
course
it would pull out the long lost sibling cliché. 
The hero always gets a long lost sibling.  It’s a rule of the genre.”

“I
expected that you’d say something like that.”

“I
totally guessed it was going to be Fang, though.”  She mused to herself.  “I
was thinking a fraternal-version of Luke and Vader, but it seems we’re doing pure
Luke and Leia.”

“
Fang?
 
My brother?  He is a Werewolf and I am a Vampire.  It is
impossible
for
our species to be related.”

“Yeah,
because this film’s
so
above retcons.”  Jane sighed.  “Whatever.  Roland’s
definitely the better of our lousy options.  Not by much, but I’ll take what we
can get.”  She arched a brow.  “Speaking of lousy family members and
Star
Wars
films, when your grandmother Obi-Wan-ed into this land, did she
explain why she turned on you?”

“Yes.” 
Slade met her eyes.  “She foresaw my destiny lay far from the Vampire Isle. 
With
you
, Jane.  She forced me to leave, so that I would find
you
.”

Her
mouth curved.  “I guess I have to forgive her for being mean to you, then.”

“She
gave me the most valuable gift of my life.”  Slade assured her.  “All she asked
in return was that I not harm my new sibling.  So, I resisted the urge to kill Roland.
 Instead, I am considering a bargain to work with the boy.”

“Really?” 
She made a show of looking around.  “So where is he?”

Slade
hesitated.  “I am not sure.  He fled the blacksmith shop when Fang arrived.”

Jane
let out an irritated sound.  “Very inspiring for a future king.  Jesus, maybe
Fang
would’ve
been the better option.”  She rolled her eyes.  “Look, kid
brother or not Roland isn’t capable of ruling this realm.  That guy probably
can’t even comb his stupid, hipster hairdo without detailed instructions.”

“Well,
his hair
is
very complicated.  But, he said that he might return at the
last minute to provide us with some sort of plucky and comedic assistance.  He
believes that is his true role.”

Jane
wasn’t moved by that defense.  “Well, I hate to leave out Han Solo from the
mix, but that kid is no Han Solo.  Face it, Slade, you can’t leave Infinia. 
The kingdom needs you and you need to be here.”

Slade
had no intention of being anywhere except beside Jane.  That meant going back
to Chicago.  Since he wasn’t going to change his mind, he changed the subject. 
“Neither of us will go anywhere unless we defeat Fang.  We must get the Silver
Sword.”

“Agreed. 
But, even if we somehow get our hands on it, how do the two of us take over a
whole castle? It’s going to be hard to stab Fang if he’s surrounded by hundreds
of Goblin bodyguards.  I have no idea how we’re going to defeat them all.”

Slade
smirked.  “Luckily, I have something that pretenders to the throne and their
minions do not.  Something that can help us win our war.  Something that only a
true
king can possess.”

Jane
stared at him for a long moment.  “Oh Jesus…  You’re about to say ‘giant
butterflies,’ aren’t you?”

EXT.  OBSIDIAN FORTRESS-NIGHT

Giant butterflies swoop in from the sky!

SLADE has called for his faithful pets’
assistance and they heed his request.  They are like gossamer stealth fighter
jets, zooming to the rescue.  Their multicolored wings glisten, as they
silently soar above the Obsidian Fortress.  It is an imposing and sparkly
sight.  (Note:  These giant butterflies are going to be a marketing bonanza!  I
can already picture the plush toys, and lunchboxes, and maybe a Saturday
morning cartoon of their adventures.)

But it is not just the pterodactyl-sized
insects that have come to save the day.  Infinia’s rebels sit astride the
beautiful bugs.  ROLAND’S radio message has rallied SLADE’S followers and they
eagerly attack FANG’S palace, dropping into the courtyard from the giant
butterflies’ backs.  More people are there, too.  TEGAN and JAMES THE ORC and KONRAD
THE OGRE and countless others who are fed up with FANG’S oppression.

The Goblins now face an army of
pissed-off peasants.  Even FANG’S private guards have to race into mêlée,
leaving him alone.  War rages for Infinia, both sides knowing that this fight will
decide their future.  Rain pours down, because rain always makes a battle scene
more cinematic.  It’s very edge-of-your-seat awesome.

ROLAND

(Leaping
from the lead butterfly, his sword raised over his head)

Fight for
this land!  Fight for Infinia!

And, for
God’s sake, somebody find my brother, because I have no fucking clue what to do
next!

A beautiful blonde woman rushes into the
fray, her beautiful eyes on ROLAND.  He instantly recognizes the beautiful ALLANDRINA,
whose ample cup-size is even more impressive in person.  The beautiful princess
throws her arms around him, like she’s been waiting for him to arrive.

ALLANDRINA

Roland,
thank God you’ve finally arrived!

ROLAND has no idea how she knows his
name, since they’ve never met.  Maybe she’s a fan of his music.  Whatever the
reason, a hot chick is pressed against him and he’s not complaining.  This has
been a super-cool day.  He’s on the winning side of a kickass fight, he’s found
a rockin’ big brother, and now the princess is totally --probably-- going to
sleep with him.  Being ROLAND is
awesome
.

ROLAND

(Patting
her back, as she clings to him.)

There,
there.  I’m here, now.  Everything is okay.

ALLANDRINA

(Pulling
back to look up at him with watery brown eyes)

No, it’s
not
okay, brave Roland.  Do you have the Silver Sword with you?

ROLAND

Yeah, I
brought it so Slade could kill Fang, but…

ALLANDRINA

(Cutting
him off)

Then we
must hurry!  You’re the only one who can save me from this monstrous fate.

Redrafted Film Script- “From Here to Infinia”

All
movies needed their climactic fight scene to happen in some suitably
atmospheric place.  For
From Here to Infinia,
it was the glassy, black
battlements of the Obsidian Fortress.  Torrents of rain washed down, making the
open sides of parapets slippery and dangerous.  The roof was illuminated by
lightning strikes, the sheets of water reflecting the eerie light.  It was
deserted and creepy and ideal for an epic showdown.

“This
is not good.”  Jane muttered, trying to spot an escape route.

She
looked over the steep drop to the battle far below.  Slade looked up, trying to
spot the giant butterflies.  Maybe that was why they fit so well, despite his
eternal optimism and her diehard realism. Jane looked down and he looked up.  Sure
they focused on different things, but between the two of them, they were seeing
the whole picture.

Of
course, this particular picture wasn’t so great.

They
were trapped.

“The
giant butterflies have already gone.”  Slade reported.  “We cannot use them to
reach the ground.”

“First
I miss seeing the dragon and now I miss the giant butterflies.  This movie is
really beginning to piss me off.”  Jane pushed the wet hair out of her face and
gestured towards the courtyard.  “At least, your training seems to have paid
off with the rebels, though.  I think they’re going to win this thing.  They
did
listen to you, Slade.”

“I
think they listened to
you
, actually.  All the things you told them
about fighting for what they believe in and standing up for themselves.  They
took it to heart, Jane.  There are no more extras in this story.  They’re
taking control of their own destinies.”

“We’re
both inspiring, I guess.  Too bad were also screwed.”  She flipped through the
script to see if it gave any hint on where they should go next.  The rain had
the pages sticking together and the ink running, but she kept scanning for
clues.

The
two of them had been endlessly circling the upper stories of the fortress,
trying to discover a way down.  Slade insisted that the stairs had moved since
he’d escaped the dungeon and Jane knew he was right.  It didn’t matter how hard
they searched, they would only find what
From Here to Infinia
wanted to
them find.  For instance, the exit to the roof… which had locked tight behind
them.

In
order to reach the end, the movie needed to make sure everyone was in the right
place.  That meant funneling them towards the grand finale.  The rooftop was a
direct rip-off of the
Beauty and the Beast
cartoon, right down to the
gargoyle statues.  Obviously,
something
was about to happen.  A film
didn’t invest in an expensive set unless it was going to stage some big scene. 
All Jane’s instincts told her that they needed get out of there before all hell
broke loose.

“We
should do that flying thing and float ourselves to another time zone.”  She
suggested for the third time.

“I
told you before, Vampires cannot fly in storms.  And it is not hot enough to
teleport, so we must come up with another way.”

“Well,
we have to do
something
or…”  Jane stopped short, her eyes locked on the
last sight she wanted to see.  “Aw shit.”

Fang
stepped out of the shadows, the rain plastering his dark fur against his skin. 
“Heeeeere’s Fang-y.”  He snarled out in his best Jack Nicholson impression and hurled
himself at Jane.

For
once, Jane didn’t complain about the mangled dialogue.  She was too busy
stumbling sideways.  Slade pushed her out of the way, putting his body between
her and danger.  The Werewolf tackled him, an enraged bellow leaving his
throat.  Fang and Slade collided like a thunderclap, knocking themselves off
their feet.

Jane’s
eyes widened in horror.  “Slade!”

In
his wolf form, Fang was bigger than Slade and fury gave him extra strength.  His
clawed hands wrapped around Slade’s neck.  “You invade my land, and you take my
woman, and
you think
I’ll let you get away with it?!
”

“
My
woman.”  Slade snarled back.  His Dark Instincts had taken over again, his
fangs and claws gleaming.  He slammed a fist into Fang’s face, knocking him
backwards.  “
No one
touches her, you son-of-a-bitch.”  They still didn’t
have the Silver Sword, so it was impossible to kill Fang.  That didn’t seem to
slow Slade down.  “
No one
takes her from me.”  He somehow got on top of
Fang, beating him with an unwavering focus.  “
And no one fucking frightens
her!
”

Fang
roared in fury, freeing himself through brute force.  “You stole everything
from me once before and it won’t happen again!”  He plowed a shoulder into
Slade’s midsection, sending them sliding across the wet surface of the roof. 
They hydroplaned to within a foot of the drop-off, neither of them paying
attention to the precipice.  “I’ll see you dead this time!”

“Slade!” 
Jane rushed forward.  “Don’t fall!”

She’d
only taken two steps when she heard something ridiculous and unmistakable:  The
duh-duh-
daaaah
sound effect, warning the audience of coming danger.  The
three notes were universally understood by moviegoers everywhere.  They sounded
when the monster was oozing from the swamp or the villain was about to strike
his fatal blow.  They were the words “Oh shit” expressed through trumpets.

Jane
didn’t know how that stupid score could be heard inside the film, but it didn’t
matter.  Something terrible was about to happen. 
From Here to Infinia
said so and she believed it.

“Slade,
we have to get out of here!”

He
didn’t seem to hear her desperate cry over the pounding rain.  Slade heaved
Fang away from him, trying to maneuver back onto solid ground.  “I gave you a
second chance, Werewolf.  At the end of our last battle, I let you start again
in another world.  Look what you did with that opportunity!”  He waved a hand
around to indicate all of Infinia.  “You enslaved this kingdom and its
citizens, and now you’re surprised when they fight back?”

“
You’re
the one fighting me.”  Fang blocked Slade’s progress, keeping him trapped by
the edge.  “But that’s about to end.  Once you’re dead, I will have
everything
that’s mine.  The peasants will stop their rioting, the kingdom will bow to my
rule, and Jane will worship
me
as her true mate.”