Vampire Taxonomy (4 page)

A lot of people question how it’s possible to reconcile the idea of a vampire who has evolved from a religious curse to the more scientific notion of “vampire mutation as virus” that we see in the media today. However, whatever the true reason, the ideas aren’t mutually exclusive.

Before recent advances in modern science, the only plausible explanation for vampirism to most people was a supernatural curse. The various strains that do react adversely to religious arti facts only seemed to confirm these beliefs.
¹³
But whether or not the initial trigger for the creation of the first vampire was mystical, these days the commonly accepted belief is that most vampires are infected with a virus that is present in the blood and transmittable to humans. As a scientist in
Blade II
explains, “Vampirism is a progressive virus that’s spread through the saliva of various parasitic organisms.” Such a theory also explains the potential for animals to be infected as well.
¹⁴

This by no means disregards the notion that vampires are supernatural beings. The very fact that there is a viral strain that turns people into half-dead, bloodthirsty monsters is a magical thing, but hopefully, once we get a better and longer look at various specimens, we can have a better understanding of where vampires came from. We may find the boundaries of what’s supernatural and what’s science shrinking over the years thanks to technology.

So remember, just because some people are infected with a nosferatu strain or vampire venom, that doesn’t necessarily make them cursed by God—it may just make them very unlucky.

Vampires are supernatural creatures, and when you start delving into what makes each of them unique and different, you’re going to encounter a lot of variety. Like hair color in humans, vampiric special abilities vary widely. Some vamps are turned into psychics or gain the ability to glide upon transformation; others wake up in their new vampire life with just the bare necessities, like super strength and speed. We have determined that telekinetic powers
seem
to be class specific—you’ll find more information on each class’s ability in the following chapters. Beyond that, their abilities seem to be present across the board, and are most likely evolving rapidly.

One useful talent possessed by vampires is their internal GPS.

Vampires rarely get lost or need directions. Their life on the road comes naturally, as their minds are programmed to be aware of their whereabouts even in their sleep. This makes long traveling days in a car with blacked-out windows much easier. Who needs rearview mirrors when you can sense the environment all around you?

Vamps employ this ability through their lackeys and those they’ve bitten. When a vampire bites into a human, he has made a connection, and can therefore keep tabs (rather creepily) on his surroundings as well as his lunch (these human servants are often referred to as
familiars
).

This internal GPS is also a fantastic security alarm. It’s a rare and almost impossible feat to sneak up on a vampire. Vamps have usually made a few enemies in the course of their undead existence, whether they’ve made mistakes and lashed out in anger or hunger, or they’ve decided to crusade against their own kind as the Tragic Hero. Either way, keeping a safe perimeter is always important, and vampires’ heightened senses and internal awareness keep them continually informed of their surroundings.
¹⁵

Even though we’ve all seen and heard about the vampires who walk in the day, generally speaking, most vampires experience a strong immunological resistance to sunlight. Most vamps begin to crackle, pop, and simmer under UV rays, and if overexposed they can literally burst into a mess. Disregarding liberally applied suntan lotion, spells, and the off chance that they’ve stumbled upon an ancient protective ring,
¹⁶
almost all vampires are subject to discomfort at the least and immolation at the worst when in range of the sun.
¹⁷

The seemingly most reliable way to end a vampire pest problem is a stake, or “Mr. Pointy” as it’s so lovingly called in the
Buffy
series. A sharp wooden stake to the heart means immediate death for just about all vampires, minus a few Big Bads who may need a little nudging from other vampire-be-gone tricks. Also, as some vampires react poorly to silver, a silver stake can be twice as deadly in some cases.

Crosses, holy water, priests, and blessings—back in the days of old, this was all a human needed to keep a nosferatu at bay. Take note: Those days are gone.

When religion was the government and vice versa, it was easy to peddle religious signs as believable weapons against evil. Why wouldn’t people look for defense from something they find solace in?

However, in most cases today, vampires have seemingly begun to build up an immunity to such religious symbols. More and more we’re seeing new crops of vampires who aren’t stopped in their tracks at the sight of the cross; instead, they’re only made uncomfortable or irritated. The well-placed cross here and there has still managed to burn a few vampire hands, but it’s not going to shield you from a supernatural right hook. That being said, ancient undiluted evil still manages to feel at least some effects from these past religious defense mechanisms. So should you put all your trust behind a bottle of holy water? No, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth a shot. If anything, it may cause enough annoyance to allow you the opportunity to escape.

Vampires are a finicky lot; giving up their diet of blood seems to have different effects on every vampire. For example, when Andy Warhol’s protagonist in
Blood for Dracula
strays from his strict diet of virginal blood only (or is lied to about the status of a victim’s chastity), it’s a blood-filled trip to the toilet for him, face first. Yet other vampires (
The Vampire Diaries
,
Fright Night
) have little to no problem ingesting human food, though it offers them zero nutritional value. Clearly this is a bloodline issue, and it’s best to ask before cooking up a meal and expecting rave reviews from a member of the undead.

It seems that whether old or new, most vampires still hold true to the ancient belief that they must be invited into a home before entering. The question of what will happen if a vampire enters an abode without the permission of the owner first was answered quite gruesomely in
Let the Right One In
, which showed the Child Vampire Eli hemorrhaging blood from every orifice. But like all things
Twilight
, it would seem that rules are meant to be broken in this world and open windows are ripe for creepy nighttime watch sessions, invitation or no.

Arguably the most famous class of pop culture vampire is the Romantic Vampire. These days,
Hemophage romanorum
has the most loyal and dedicated stream of fans, thanks to the media’s obsession with vampires in love. The intense popularity of this classification has led many a human on the hunt for that gaunt, misunderstood vampire lover who awaits “the one.”

The typical portrayal of the Romantic Vampire in the media, however, leaves people utterly unprepared for interaction with the real volatile deal. This specific class of vampire is often abused and neglected, harbors deep-seated issues about his past, and most likely was a participant in a bloody massacre or two.

Skipping merrily into this type of vamp’s embrace without an education on what’s exactly behind those big shiny eyes can end poorly for both parties involved if the interaction is not handled with care. Should things turn foul, knowing how to identify, approach, and politely exit a Romantic Vampire encounter improves your chances of emerging unscarred.