Vampire Taxonomy (3 page)

It’s no mistake that more and more vampires are popping up in the media and in pop culture without extended canines. The lack of fangs allows the creatures to blend in. If you look back over the years, the further back you go, the more exotic the teeth become. Think of the first set of movie fangs from
Nosferatu
. They were large and placed in front of the vampire’s mouth, great for getting your lips over the puncture marks and sucking to your heart’s desire, but terrible for speaking. Plus who’s going to look at those chompers and
not
suspect that this person is a child of the night? The slow and steady reduction of the fang is a great representation of vampiric evolution.

Remember, the presence or absence of fangs is not enough information alone to classify a vampire. Nosferatu bites with both sharpened canines and dull teeth into the sweetest of victims. So do not think for a second that an absence of fang means you’re safe.

The most common set of fangs among the vampire community is the retractable canine. The teeth actually grow out of the vampire’s gum line when the vamp is excited, angry, or hungry. Of course, many vampires prefer to leave their fangs bared at all times, but generally, when they’re not in use, the fangs shrink back into the gums.

1. The classic overextended rattler or retractable fang set.

2. An earlier form of the front fang; you can imagine the difficulty the owner would have conversing.

3. The double fang, with a bottom set, highly decorative and unnecessary, but intimidating nonetheless.

4. The mangled mouth: not aesthetically appealing, but useful for intimidation.

5. Classic double fang, common among the retractable mouthed vampires.

6. Dagger jaw: this set of fangs is used more for mutilating and eating rather than the common delicate neck work a vampire attempts.

7. Mutated vampiric mouths can take on many shapes and sizes, with a little help from science. This vampire jaw can actually detach from the skull and attack its victims from the side.

From here the retractable-fang look begins to vary depending on the bloodline and vampire preference. Some members of the undead species wield a double fang.
¹⁰
That’s two sets of canines in the top half of the jaw. Others pair bottom and top fangs for extra fierceness, although the tendency to start looking like a bottle opener is possible. Usually whatever his maker has will be passed on down to the ward, but one quick stop in the dentist’s chair and a vampire can change his smile entirely.

The vampires from the Southern Vampire Mysteries book series underwent an interesting translation from page to tele-vision (the series
True Blood
). The fangs designed for these vampires are possibly one of the more realistic combinations of nature and supernatural beasts. The fangs were based on the structural makeup of the rattlesnake jaw: The fangs are hidden from view behind the teeth and flick out when an adrenaline rush kicks in. This is what we like to call the “fang flick.”

The teeth are covered in a saliva that contains vampire venom (more on venom later), which (depending on the vampire) is stored in a pouch near the cheeks or freely flows through the saliva.

Vampires without fangs are much more common than you may think; in fact, some of the species most beloved by hard-core enthusiasts don’t have a toothed spike to speak of. (So no,
Twilight
wasn’t the first set of defanged vampires.) In fact, neither Béla Lugosi nor Frank Langella felt the need for excessive fang use and ditched the fake teeth for their famous interpretations of Count Dracula. It makes more sense in today’s world to ditch the fangs and go for the more subtle approach.

But just because these vampires lost their teeth doesn’t mean they lost any powers. Many of them still retain superior strength throughout their body (fists that can punch though torsos and jaws that can bite through steel), along with super speed and any other unseen mental abilities they may have been blessed with along the way.
¹¹

For every vamp with pearly white cuspids, there’s another vamp with a mouth full of mismatched, yellowing, gangly fangs. The wretched mouths of the vampire kind are not just an easy joke for the paranormal bully, they’re also one of the most diverse and interesting facets of the vampire anatomy. It’s a veritable rainbow of depleted and deformed calcium all twisted and warped into different shapes. Truly these vampire smiles are an unappreciated art of diversification.
¹²

The gangly grin finds its home predominantly among Villainous Vampires, and it’s dangerous and rare to see some of these ancient grins out on the street. But seeing as some of the earliest vampires were suggested or represented in the media as having dilapidated fangs, seeing one in today’s times is like jumping back in a time machine. It’s almost impossible to describe all the horrendous delights of this type of fang: They can be long, spaced out, different sizes, broken, twisted, or sticking out the side of a vampire’s mouth. But mind you, they’re deadly, and this type of vampire has no desire to show you his fillings if he’s not going to get a meal out of the exchange.

An interesting subsection under twisted fangs is mutated jaws. Again, mostly prevalent in Villainous Vampires, this strange anatomical quirk allows the entire jaw to expand or crack open in order for the vampire to feed. This can be seen in the Reaper vampires in
Blade II
, who used this scientific advantage to feed on other vampires. Unlike the feelings of pleasure often reported by those bitten by the typical fanged vampire, this type of feeding appears to be incredibly painful and invariably fatal for the victim (except in the case of the Reapers; anyone bitten by a Reaper immediately begins the transformation into one).

Dabbling in science and basic evolution has brought changes to the vampire species. Over time, we will see a more advanced breed of fangs, or perhaps the phasing out of canines altogether, as the author Guillermo del Toro suggests in his novel
The Strain
, in which viral vampires use stingers instead of their teeth to attack their victims.

Be it supernatural juice or a poisonous pathogen, vampires secrete a powerful substance that will turn you from human to immortal—unless they kill you first. This fluid is commonly called venom but can also be considered a virus. It’s hard to make too many generalizations regarding vampire venom because it has mutated so quickly and violently over the years.

Some believe that the less human blood a vampire drinks, the less potent his venom is. This has yet to be proven without fatal consequences. Others believe that certain strains of the vampire virus have diluted the venom so far as to allow vampires to bite their victims and not fully turn them without other measures coming into play (such as a full blood exchange). Whatever the reality is, be aware that in most cases, when you are exposed to vampire venom, it will take time to get it out of your system, unless you are unlucky enough to be infected by a rare strain that initiates a transformation immediately. Frankly, it is not worth the risk of seeing just how far your body can go before the venom begins breaking down your genetic makeup and turning your body.

Just like the spectrum of fangs seen in the vampire world, there’s also a spectrum of ways that vampires turn humans. Most involve some sort of blood exchange with a vampire, but there are exceptions even to this rule, so it is important to be familiar with the various rituals so that you are prepared to defend yourself should you find yourself on the verge of being turned.

The most common vampire siring ceremony is the simple act of the vampire drinking from the human, and in exchange, the human drinking the vampire’s blood. In most cases, humans will need to be drained of almost all of their blood, which will leave them in an intensely weakened state. If not fully drained, the humans, if they survive the blood loss, will remain mortal but will pick up a few nasty habits along the way (repulsion to sunlight, hissing, carnal thirst for blood). But in order for complete transformation mortals will most likely need to be placed on the brink of death, so that copious amounts of vampire blood can revive them into immortals. This practice is not particularly new; in fact it’s been around since Bram Stoker’s
Dracula
,
The Vampire Chronicles
, and even the modern-day
The Vampire Diaries
. The key to this transformation is that the mortal shell must, in a way, die, so the vampire can emerge.

A few turning rituals seem to take a lot of time, days even, and several blood exchanges. Southern vampire Bill Compton explained it best to girlfriend Sookie Stackhouse in
Dead Until Dark
: “I would have to drain you, at one sitting or over two or three days, to the point of your death, then give you my blood. You would lie like a corpse for about forty-eight hours, sometimes as long as three days, then rise and walk at night. And you would be hungry . . . Other vampires have told me humans they habitually bite, day after day, can become vampires quite unexpectedly. But that requires consecutive, deep, feedings. Others, under the same conditions, merely become anemic.”

In the TV series
True Blood
, the maker and his ward are actually buried together in the ground while the process occurs. Burial is not uncommon, as the process takes time. Many midturns are actually considered dead by the human race and given a proper burial, only to emerge
Buffy
-style in the middle of a cemetery. Thankfully, the superhuman strength you’ll gain from becoming a vamp should help you claw your way out of the dirty grave, as it did for the teenaged Gina Covella from
Vamped
, who woke up (surprise!) in a coffin.

Some vamps need only one bite to make them yours.
Twilight
vamps work under this principle: Bella, when bitten, gyrates and flaps about on the ground, withering in pain from the vampire venom, well on her way to becoming a vamp after just one bite. But this isn’t a new legend. The also-fangless vamps from
Near Dark
can turn a mortal to the fang with a simple nibble.

Be warned, siring blood doesn’t always come from the neck, wrist, or sliced-up chest of an oversexed vampire. Sometimes it can come in the form of a bottle.
The Lost Boys
(in both I and II) tricked their new vampire gang members into sampling a little household wine. And by “wine” they meant ancient vampire blood that turns the unsuspecting, underage drinkers. Similarly, in
A Taste of Blood
, the main character is sent two bottles of Slivovitz brandy from an old ancestor, and after pounding through the drink, he becomes a vampire. So be wary when vials of mysterious liquids are being passed around a vampire party. That could be the one drink that puts you eternally over the edge.