Very Recent History: An Entirely Factual Account of a Year (C. AD 2009) in a Large City (18 page)

“Well, I was a pervo later,” Jason said.

“I had never seen anything like it,” John said. “It
was like ass in the air, everywhere you looked. It was packed. The cruisiest
place I’ve ever been.”

“I was so un-hot!” Jason said.

“You were not un-hot.”

“No, not me but everyone else.”

“Oh my God, there were a lot of hot guys
there!”

“Were there?”

“Oh, that was the other guy! Dave’s roommate was
all over him,” John said.

“Dave is the biggest whore in the world,” Jason
said.

“No, his roommate!”

“No, I know!”

“Oh, that one’s a whore?”

“They’re both whores!”

“You know how I know?” John said. “Because he
Facebook friended me and I looked at the pictures of him.”

“Oh, I know, he has those hungry eyes!”

“He looks like Milhouse from
The Simpsons
,” John said. “He has Milhouse-without-glasses eyes.
Like these beady little eyes.”

“Edward looked great that night. He wasn’t wearing
any costume. I got too dressed up,” Jason said.

“So did I,” John said. “I was a bandit. Did I look
okay?”

“Yeah, no, you totally,” Jason said. “I was Sonia
Sotomayor. Or Rachel Maddow. I kept changing it.”

“And any time I smoked, or any time Edward smoked,
I said, ‘This is Smokey and the Bandit,’ ” John said.

The magazine party they went to first had allegedly
cost 150,000 dollars.

“But the open bar was, like, a pitcher of
margaritas,” Jason said.

“And Colt 45,” John said. “That party, it sucked.
Sugarland was fun though. I was really drunk, I had to go home. Edward was so
proud of himself. He was like, you know those nights when you have your mojo?
I
feel like I had my mojo. And I was like, yeah, I know. He looked great. What
was
Edward saying he was at the end of the night? Oh, he was like, ‘I’m Precious.’
”

“Yeah, no,” Jason said. “I dunno, it felt kind of
depressing toward the end.”

“Nobody knew what the time was. I didn’t know if it
was two a.m. or four a.m., the time kept changing. Plus I was so drunk. I only
had like four beers and I was so wasted. I had sushi! I was on so much
medication because I was sick.”

“Adderall?” Jason asked.

“I had a Tic Tac or two,” John said. “But like.
Speaking of! Do you have it?”

“Oh yeah,” Jason said.

“Oh, I’m not doing it tonight! I’m not doing it
tomorrow,” John said. “But soon. Soonsies!”

NOW THE OWNER
of John’s company got married to a princess, of sorts, though technically
she was becoming her own king. Family and friends and business associates came
from far but particularly from near to observe the nuptials. John’s owner’s
intended bride wore white, a rather recent tradition indicating purity,
particularly—and this will sound vulgar!—intactness of virginity. That was
something that wasn’t talked about; it was considered nobody’s business, except
for the bizarre wearing of white. The former mayor of the City came. The Mayor
did not. Various owners of enormous businesses attended—a very, very rich
foreign man who owned newspapers and television stations around the world, and
others like him. The groom gave the bride a ring of shiny rocks of a high
price.

They were married on property, a sporting grounds
associated with her father, who had reinvented kingship in his own way. Once
he
had made buildings, but with the growing cachet of his buildings, he found a
way
to not have to make the buildings himself any longer, but simply to sell his
name to other building makers so that these buildings carried his imprimatur
and
he got paid for the use of it. There was an incredible lesson about commerce
in
there. His name was a trademark, which was like a patent. So the bride’s father
had perhaps the most inventively diffuse kingdom of them all: People paid him
to
allow them to build vertical kingdoms with his name on them, and then other
people paid those builders to reside in them.

It seemed very strange when you started to think
about it all.

In any event these two were in love, and so they
pledged to spend their lives together until they died. Or until they didn’t want
to be married anymore—that was currently considered legitimate as well. The
whole “until you die” thing might have just been an old leftover thing that
people said because they were supposed to.

THE OWNER OF
Kevin’s company, who was not at the wedding of his estranged cousin,
threw a party on the night before the election.

The party was in a weird storefront that had been
built out in the most elaborate way. There were like these portals, and angular
walls, and weird little passageways onto the street. It was very futuristic and
had many dark corners.

“John, you’re going to get banned,” Edward said.
John was smoking out one of the portals, but he had a beer so he couldn’t step
outside onto the street either, because it was against the law to drink on the
street.

“I’m not going to get banned,” he said.

Kevin had grown an enormous brushy mustache. “I was
saying, does this tear off? And he got so upset! He was like, no, I just grew
it,” John said. “I was like, it looks good, and he was like, okay.”

“I’m going to take a vacation. I’m going to take
like three days off next week. Whatever,” John said.

Jacob at work—because they were still riding out
their time in the office until at least the end of the year—had told a staffer
that his own other part-time job was basically finding a new job, and so
everyone in the office was of equal dispiritedness. They were taking the
vacation days they could. And Timothy and Jacob had invited everyone over for
dinner. Trixie had told them she was out of town. Sally told them she had plans.
No one was going to come to dinner.

“It sounds like the Kübler-Ross stages,” Edward
said.

“Are you going to grab another beer? If you could
grab me one,” John said. Okay, Edward said. “Oh, you’re a good guy,” John said.
“Tomorrow, Election Day!” John said to Jason. “I’m not voting. I have no time
to
do it tomorrow.”

“I don’t think I could get into law school,” Edward
said. Apparently he was just considering his options.

“Why does this party have to end at nine?” John
said. “You have to eat.”

“I do?” Edward said.

“You’re wasting away,” Jason said.

“Why weren’t you online most of the day?” John
said.

“I was in the downtown office. It was a madhouse.
It was totally crazy today,” Jason said.

“Did John tell you about our dinner?” Edward said.
He and John had gone out with Amy and Amy’s boyfriend. “Amy’s mom, who’s like
the least fun person in the world, after she met him, she said to Amy, I really
like your boyfriend, but let me ask you a question: Has he ever had fun in his
life?” John didn’t really get along with Amy. She didn’t like to spend a lot
of
time with Edward and John together either. The real reason, which Edward and
John didn’t really know or pretended not to know, was that she was horrified
about how they were constantly groping and kissing each other. Also she thought
John was too young for Edward and also too much of a player. “I didn’t even
notice what a bitch she was being. It bounces off me,” Edward said. Also at the
dinner, Amy was going on about how John’s boss, Timothy, was totally in the
owner’s pocket. “And John was like, I don’t think so, and she was like, uh-huh.
Also she was like, ‘Oh, you, you’re so naive,’ ” Edward said. So that had all
of
John’s hackles up. “I made really good cookies,” Edward said.

“I think I pissed Chad off yesterday,” he said.
“They were having their nightly phone wrap-up and I piped up from the
background. I was revealing my presence and he was like, ‘I’ve gotta go!’ But
I
love Chad. He’s so cute. By ‘cute’ I mean very attractive. He’s a very loud
talker. Former drama club member perhaps.”

Edward was mad that he’d never taken advantage of
his last relationship, apart from having had a nice apartment in the City and
all that. Aric traveled constantly, for one thing. “He’s gone at least a week
out of every month. He goes like amazing places. I was always like too poor to
go. And he was always sort of discouraging about me coming. But I do regret it.
He didn’t trust me to fend for myself. It’s probably fair. I told John the other
day: Before we broke up, this girl was begging him for his sperm. And now I have
this terror. Doesn’t that seem like a reasonable thing to do? In the wake of
a
breakup, to have a baby? And that’d be the worst thing.”

Well, maybe not the worst thing.

“One time I left the Cock,” John said, “and there
was this cabdriver, and he was like, do you like that place? And I was like,
no.
And he was like, do guys go there? And I’m like . . . yeah. He was
like, a lot of guys like to go there, right? Keep in mind he’s driving and
turning around to look at me all the time. So I rolled down all the windows so
it was like a noisy wind. And I kept being like, ‘I can’t hear what you’re
saying!’ ”

“How come cabdrivers never hit on me?” Edward
said.

“Oh my God,” Jason said, “it’s like the second
time.”

“Am I just fucking repulsive?” Edward said.

“No comment,” Jason said.

“It’s like the same as how I always get so mad
about never seeing anyone have sex in the steam room,” Edward said. “I feel like
it’s like I walk in and everyone’s like, oh God, he’s here. Halt!”

“Never mind,” John said.

“I always see it happen,” Jason said.

“Everyone’s always complaining about it!” Edward
said. “I mean I haven’t actually been to the gym in years, but back when I did,
it was the Sports Club on Fourteenth Street.”

“You belonged to the Sports Club at some point?”
John asked.

“I know it’s hard to imagine,” Edward said.

“I remember,” Jason said.

“I can’t imagine it, when did this happen?” John
asked.

“It was back in my—” Edward said.

“Oh, your virile days?” John said.

“No, not my virile days, my days of milk and
honey,” Edward said. “When I was super rich. When I was just throwing money
around everywhere.”

“I’ve heard about these days,” John said.

“They were really fun,” Edward said.

“We were both so rich,” Jason said.

“I bought so many videogames,” Edward said.

“I bought so many suits,” Jason said.

“Oh, I didn’t go that far,” Edward said.

“Everyone’s poor,” John said. “Maybe I’ll be able
to change that soon, hey.”

“Jason came up with the best Halloween costume
after the fact,” Edward said.

“What what what,” John said.

“Brooke Astor,” Edward said.

“Oh, that’d be brilliant but you need a dachshund
or three,” John said.

“I was thinking more of a pee-stained nightgown,”
Jason said. “Because everyone wants to see Mrs. Astor. Even in a nightgown
covered in urine. Did she have dachsies?”

“Oh my God, I think she left like millions of
dollars to her dachshunds,” John said.

“Didn’t Leona leave all that money to—”

“Oh, Leona did that too,” John said.

These were the names of rich people who they didn’t
personally know.

“Wait, didn’t someone tell me that story about
Leona,” Edward said, “that she would do laps in the pool every day. In her, you
know, personal indoor pool. And she would have a servant standing at each end
and when she came up for air at the end of the lane, they’d drop a shrimp in
her
mouth.”

“That cannot be true,” Jason said.

“This sounds like an embellishment by the person
telling the story, but I think she would also say, ‘Feed the fishie.’ ”

“That sounds wonderful,” John said.

“It sounds a little less than believable to me,”
Jason said.

“Isn’t there a bit of a problem with eating and
swimming?” John said.

“Maybe it was only at one end of the pool,” Edward
said.

“Maybe they were baby shrimp,” Jason said.

“I guess you would get full pretty quickly,” Edward
said.

“Kevin! Say hello!” John said.

“I’m working!” Kevin said.

“Take a load off!” Jason said.

“I’m the point person at this thing! I have a
clipboard!” Kevin said. “I’m administering!”

Jason started hacking. “I’m going to the doctor on
Election Day!” he said. “I stopped smoking. It’s really bad. I’m going to my
allergy-asthma doctor tomorrow.”

“Why do these cigarettes taste so bad?” Edward
said.

“Here, let me see,” Jason said.

“It’s really like metallic. I came up with the best
idea,” Edward said. “When I go back home, I’m going to drive in my parents’ car
and get cartons and cartons of cigarettes.”

“And then sell them?” Jason asked.

“And then sell them,” Edward said. “They cost like
two dollars there.”

“You’re going to be so rich,” Jason said.

“It’s the kind of thing I’m probably too lazy to
do,” Edward said.

Chad wandered in. Everyone screamed. He went to get
a beer.

Then a crazy man wandered in too and started
ranting about the Mayor, and how awful the Mayor was, and how the Mayor secretly
had a boyfriend.

“I haven’t heard this!” John said.

“Is this a surprise?” the crazy man said. “In terms
of his character, I mean, is this a surprise?”

“Well, he is such a bitch,” Jason said.

Jason martyred himself for the group and let the
crazy man isolate him from the rest. The guy said a lot of stuff about how the
Jews were messing everything up, and how the Mayor was in league with Israel,
which Jason didn’t really enjoy. So then Edward very kindly took a turn.

Edward couldn’t vote—he wasn’t registered there.
Chad was registered at his old address, and it would take him hours to get
there, so he probably wouldn’t go vote. John definitely wasn’t going to vote
tomorrow. Though maybe he was going to do a write-in. “I got really mad at him
today,” Jason said about John. “He nearly COL’d! Cried out loud! I am mad. Chad,
are you going to—?”