Victory Lane (Shady Falls #1) (30 page)

“You have to. You have to trust me a little at least. Let me in, Toni. Please.”

She shook her head. This time looking into my eyes. They were clouded with hurt and pain, but I also was hurting. I couldn’t help her if she didn’t let me in. If she refused to tell me anything at all, this relationship, or whatever it was, was doomed. “I can’t,” she said again, this time more forcefully. “I just can’t, Julius. Either take me the way I am or not.”

I sighed, defeated. “Toni, I love you, but if you can’t give me somethin’, this is done.” She looked down and shook her head but said nothing at all.

“Dammit, didn’t you hear me? I said I love you. I love you, Toni. I haven’t said those words in years, but I’m sayin’ them now. Please …” I begged. I never begged anyone for anything in my life, but I was begging her to love me as I love her. “Toni, I love you.”

Again she shook her head, not looking up, not making eye contact. I wasn’t even sure if she heard me or not. Seeing her shake her head, my heart broke. I felt it splinter right down the middle. I felt like someone punched me in the gut. I was sick and heartbroken. That was it. We were done.

“Then you’re gonna have to go,” I whispered. “I can’t have you here, in my place, in my bed, if you can’t trust me, if you don’t love me. Go to the hotel with the rest of the team, Toni. I’m sorry but from now on, that’s all you can be, just another team member.” It killed me to say that to her because I didn’t mean it. Her eyes darted to mine and I hoped she’d give me something. Tell me she loves me, anything to change my mind, but she didn’t. Watching her walk out the door broke my heart worse than anything Anna ever did. In such a short time, I knew I had fallen for her. When I told her I loved her, I meant it. I loved this woman more than anything. But if she couldn’t trust me then we had nothing.

She turned sadly and looked at me. “Jules, please … I just …” She sighed, “Please …”

“I can’t do this again, Toni. Anna lied and hid things from me. I can’t deal with that betrayal again. I won’t. I love you; I’m in love with you. But I can’t let you destroy me. Just give me something, Toni. Anything to show me you feel the same about me. That’s all I want.”

She just stood there at the top of the stairs and glanced back at me again. “I can’t. I’m so sorry, Jules.”

“I know, Toni.”

She turned and walked down the stairs. Once she was out the door, I waited a few moments and followed her to the hotel. No matter what I said, I loved her. Those feeling didn’t just disappear. I had to make sure she was going to get there okay. On the drive, I called Kevin and let him know Toni would be staying at the hotel and to make sure she got to the track safely.

“Don’t let her outta your sight, got it?” I told Kevin.

“What happened, Boss?”

“Nothin’, just keep her safe and make sure someone’s always with her.”

“You got it, Boss. She goes nowhere alone.”

Chapter Twenty-Two

Toni

What have I done?
Days, it had been days since he’d spoken to me beyond things dealing with the car and the race. Practice yesterday was so hard. He didn’t ask me anything over the radio; he only talked directly to Kyle. When I told him something, he only said ‘Ten-four.’ If I asked him a question, he answered in as few words as possible and as soon as he got out of the car, he was back at his trailer. The only people he talked to for any extended period of time were Kyle and Kevin. I watched him from afar, keeping my distance.

On Sunday, we were in the garage prior to the race. Julius talked to Kyle and Kevin. I was doing last minute adjustments and wishing things could’ve been different. Julius didn’t say one word to me. He kept his distance and I tried to respect that. There were times I had no choice but to be near, and every time it broke my heart even more. When he went back to his trailer to rest a bit before the race, I finally relaxed. At least if he wasn’t there, I could do what I needed to do.

“You know, maybe if you tried talking to him,” Margie said from behind me. For the first time I didn’t jump, I didn’t flinch. Something in me had changed slightly. I wasn’t so paranoid anymore. I think it was because of Julius. He gave me strength, he made me see what was good about me, and he helped me learn not everyone was out to hurt me. Unfortunately, I learned this lesson a little too late.

“Why?” I asked. “So he can throw me out again? I can’t give him what he wants, Margie. I don’t even know how. It’s better off this way. He’s better off this way.”

Huffing, she came around me. I could see the anger and hurt in her eyes and I just felt bad. “Do you think he’s better off?” she shouted. “Does he look like he’s better off? Because all I see is my little brother, brokenhearted.”

“What would you like me to do, Margie? I can’t be what he needs. I can’t do what he wants me to do. Look, I’m sorry. I never meant for this to happen. I need to go for a ride and clear my head.”

I left as quickly as I could. I didn’t let anyone other than Margie know I was leaving the track. I just climbed into my truck and drove. Just like a few days ago, I drove without a purpose. I knew I only had a short time before I had to return, so I drove to the nearest playground and parked. Sliding out of my truck, I found a set of swings and sat, trying to clear my head. The only things echoing through my head were when he told me that he loved me and when he told me I had to go. It killed me to know he loved me and I did nothing to show him how much I cared for him. And now it was too late.

“I knew if I followed you around enough, you’d finally be alone at some point,” Todd’s familiar voice said from behind me. I was startled, but numb. He couldn’t inflict pain on me anymore, at least not as much as I imposed on myself. “You’ve been bein’ followed for the past couple days.”

“What do you want, Todd?” I asked. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t afraid of him. I was just tired. I didn’t care anymore. He’s destroyed everything for me. “Haven’t you ruined my life enough?”

“Who the hell do you think you’re talkin’ to, whore? You forget I can make your life a living hell?”

“You’ve made my life hell since the moment I met you. I haven’t seen you in years and yet you’ve fucked with my life every damn day. I’m done lettin’ you have this power over me. You killed me the day you attacked me. The girl I once was died that day and I’m sick of bein’ what I’ve become.” I stood and walked away from him, just wanting to get away. I knew turning away from him was probably the worst idea I’ve ever had, but I just wanted away. I didn’t care anymore. He couldn’t hurt me any worse than I hurt myself. I already ruined my one shot at happiness.

He grabbed my shoulder from behind and forced me to turn and look at him. “Don’t walk away from me, bitch. I ain’t done with you yet.”

I didn’t know if it was reflexive because of the self-defense classes Cade made me take or if I finally just snapped, but the moment I was facing him and he had his hands on me, I just reacted. The heel of my hand came up as hard as I could in a crippling thrust right to his nose. I felt as much as heard the crunch when my palm met his face. I hoped I broke his nose. He immediately released me and his hands went to his face. His eyes were closed and the blood poured from his cupped hands. Next, my knee met his groin; he instantly fell to his knees with a weak groan. I stepped back from him, staring in shock at the damage I’d done. I finally did it. I finally stood up to my worst nightmare, and I won.

“Don’t ever think you can touch me again,” I ground out. “Stay the hell away from me.” I quickly ran away from him. I knew I only bought myself a few moments to get away. He would never leave things like this. I was right when I heard him yell out behind me.

“This ain’t over, bitch. I’ll put you in the fuckin’ ground.” He grabbed me from behind again, but this time I knew what I was doing. My elbow thrust back as hard as I could, connecting with his solar plexus. I stomped down on his foot hard with my steel-toed work boots, crushing his foot. I quickly turned around and planted another knee to his groin, while thrusting the heel of my hand into his nose again. He dropped to the ground again, but this time he stayed.

“You bitch,” he gurgled out. “You broke my fuckin’ nose. I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you.”

I backed away, keeping my eyes on him as I moved toward my truck. “I said you won’t ever touch me again. I meant it. Stay the fuck away from me, Todd.”

He tried to get up once more, but then stumbled back to the ground. This would probably just make him furious, but I didn’t care anymore. For the first time in years, I felt empowered. He could try to hurt me and I knew he might, but I also knew I wasn’t afraid anymore. I stood up to him. I made my own personal demon bleed.

“Stay away from me. You come near me again and I promise you won’t be able to walk away,” I screamed as I ran for my truck. I never felt so strong and confident. It was a great feeling to finally stand up to my nightmare and win.

I drove back to the track as quickly as I could. I had to see Julius. I had to tell him how I felt. It was because of him forcing me to see everything good about myself that finally gave me the strength to stand up to Todd and knock him down.

I knocked on his trailer door and waited. When he opened it, he looked handsomely disheveled. I wanted him so badly. I wanted in his light and in his warmth. I wanted to be with him and give myself to him. But when I saw the look on his face, I knew I’d probably lost my chance.

“What do you want, Toni?” He just looked tired and sad. It was all my fault and I knew it.

“I wanted to see you,” I said honestly. How could I tell him what I just did?

“I told you, I can’t do this. Now I’ve got a race to prepare for. I need you to go.”

“But Jules, please. I need to …”

“No, Toni. I can’t do this. I need to keep my head on straight and any time you’re near me, I can’t think straight. The only place you need to talk to me is when I’m on the track, to tell me about my car. Otherwise I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”

“I’m sorry, Jules. I’m sorry. Please. I finally did it. I stood up to him”

“I’m proud of you, Toni. And I know you’re sorry. So am I. But I just can’t do this anymore. I need to go.” He closed the door, engaging the lock. I listened to his steps recede into the back of the trailer before I walked away. With tears in my eyes, I went back to the garage. I entered the women’s locker room and cried. I’d lost him and it was no one’s fault but my own.

After I sat there and cried for a while, I slowly put on my fire suit and exited the locker room. I had a job to do and I was going to damn well do it. I went through the motions of the day, preparing the car, and staying away from Julius.

~oOo~

“The car ain’t right,” Julius complained. “And everything y’all are doin’ is just makin’ it worse.”

“What’s the problem?” Kyle asked beside me. I hadn’t said a single word to Julius through the race. I was focusing on fuel usage and calculating lap times to determine pit strategy. After this morning, I felt it was just best to keep out of Julius’ head.

“I don’t know. It’s too tight then too loose. Maybe it’s the damn spacer y’all are usin’ to adjust the chassis.”

“Okay, Jules,” Kyle tried to cajole him. “We’ll take care of it next time in.”

“Don’t talk to me like that, Ky. This car’s a piece of shit,” Julius growled. “You need to change it back to the way it was before.”

My heart sank; I knew what he was talking about. Julius blamed me for the car. I suddenly knew I couldn’t work for Fuller Enterprises anymore. Maybe I could talk to Kyle and Axel and they could find me a place on another team, maybe even in the truck series. But I knew I couldn’t stay. Julius and I would never be able just to work together, not now. I let things get too far and destroyed everything.

“Maybe I should go,” I whispered to Kyle after he, once again, tried to calm Julius down.

“Where the hell do you think you’re goin’? You ain’t goin’ anywhere. I know somethin’ happened between the two of you but I don’t give a shit. Sit here, do your job, and just don’t talk to him. This shit ain’t gonna fly with me, Toni.”

“But …”

“But nothin’, Toni. You ain’t goin’ anywhere and that’s final. Now what can we do to get this car back on track.”

“I don’t know,” I sighed. “He’s not bein’ specific about what’s going on.”

Kyle huffed, “All right. Next pit we’ll make a track-bar adjustment and see if that helps. We’ll give him four new tires too, maybe that’ll straighten it out.”

Tom’s voice sounded through the headphones, “Car around in the back of the pack, caution’s out.”

I radioed the instructions down to the pit crew to prepare for pit stops in the next couple of laps.

“You’re comin’ in when pit road opens.”

“Ten-four.”

The day went much the same, Julius complaining about the car and me doing everything I could to figure out how to make the car better and to stay quiet. We did every adjustment we could and, for all intent and purposes, the car seemed to be running fine. Julius stayed at the front of the pack, leading the race several times, but he was never happy. There was always something wrong, there was always an issue as far as he was concerned. It was clear to everyone, his problem wasn’t the car, it was me.

I didn’t know how I would ever be able to convince him that I made a mistake. It was trust and honesty he wanted, I trusted him, but not with my past. I guess in a way I didn’t trust him because I didn’t trust he would be able to love me once he knew how weak I was. Or how I once allowed a man to use my body as a punching bag and to do with as he pleased because I was too to pathetic to put a stop to it.

“There’s a wreck ahead. Stay high, the eighty-seven just ricocheted off wall in turn three … Dammit, Jules, I said stay high,”
Tom’s disembodied voice came through the headphones, stirring me out of my melancholy. We watched as Julius sped around turn three in the middle of the pack. The cars were three wide as they disappeared into the smoke covering the entire turn.

“Jules, talk to me. You okay?”
Kyle shouted into the microphone.

But then we saw it, the pack of cars blasted out of the turn seemingly unharmed, with the fifty-five in the middle of the group. Then all hell broke loose. The number 119 in the front of the pack checked up, causing the number 104 to plow into the back of him. As soon as the cars made contact, the number 119 got loose and veered hard to the right, sending the pack of cars scrambling to get out of the way with little success. It looked like a bumper car ride in an amusement park as the cars slammed into each other, trying not to cause too much damage.

Julius went into the jumble and we all held our breath as he his car got turned.

“Jules,”
Tom shouted.

There was nothing, no sound from Julius, no sound coming from the pits and stands around us as we watched the number fifty-five car turn sideways and start to lift off the ground. It was like the world stopped and the only sound was the crunching of metal as the cars continued to slam into one another, continuing their demented bumper car simulation. It looked like he might be okay as the roof flaps came up, settling the car back down to the track. That was until the number twenty-one car got under the side of Julius’ car, sending it airborne. I let out a strangled scream as Julius’ car flew into the air and sailed above the track and other drivers. The car flew high into the top catch fence; crushing the body and leaving a trail of broken pieces of metal and fiberglass flying across the track and into the stands. The car fell back to the track and slid down the banking, ripping one of the wheels from off before it stopped moving. Then another car slid sideways and hit into the side of Julius’ car, sending it spinning into the infield grass until it stopped. There was nothing left of Julius’ car except the driver’s cockpit. The car had done its job, the body completely disintegrated upon impact, keeping the driver’s cage intact. There was no movement from the cockpit, and still no sound from Julius.

“Jules,” Kyle shouted again, but still nothing. I prayed it was like last time. Maybe he was just jarred for a moment and needed to regain himself before he could speak. It only took moments last time. Moments that felt like a lifetime.