Violence Begets... (20 page)

Rick’s absence was annoying but good.
It gave me time to check in with the guys. Since it was senior year, they didn’t
seem to mind their newfound freedom. With me wrapped up in all things Rick, they’d
done pretty well keeping themselves entertained, but I still had to assert my power.
They were my only exercise for staying focused and they appreciated the doors I
opened for them. I knew my control was wearing thin, and I needed them to sharpen
my skills.

I stopped by Brett’s house on the way
home from the music store, invited myself in, and threw myself into a recliner in
his front room, kicking my feet up. He didn’t put up with me as much as he used
to, but I only had to keep him around for another six months, so I wasn’t worried.
Providing drugs while playing on some of his lingering fears, it’d be easy.

I suggested that we all go to a hockey
game the next night—okay, not so much suggested as indicated that we were going
to do it. I also advised that I wanted to go downtown the following weekend and
chill at a new coffee shop. He laughed at the mention of a coffee shop, then quickly
changed his attitude when I nearly jumped out of the recliner to pound him. Rick
was one thing, but I was not about to start tolerating bullshit from Brett of all
people.

Rick

“What was that all about?” I asked,
my head resting on his bare chest, my fingers lightly tracing the multitude of scars.
The smattering of colors—reds, purples, greens, yellows and blues—mesmerized me.
Who knew bruises could be so artful? It was weeks after Valentine’s, and I still
couldn’t believe he’d given me a guitar and lessons. I hadn’t told him yet, but
I was working on a song for him, just like he’d suggested.

“What, the phone call?” he asked as
he placed his cell phone back on the nightstand next to his bed.

“Yeah.”

“Just my father checking in.”

“Why didn’t he just call the house?”

“He did. I always forward the home phone
to my personal cell when he’s out of town.”

“You do? Does he know you do that?”

“God, no! That would defeat the whole
purpose. I have two phones. The one he pays for and monitors like a hawk and my
personal cell that I pay for.”

“Does he check in often? I haven’t noticed
you taking calls.”

“Fuck yes he does. I’m good about it.
He’d kill me if he ever heard anyone else, so I always duck off.”

“I can’t believe I haven’t noticed.”

“Because I didn’t want you to.” I could
hear the smile in his voice, the confidence in his ability to keep people from knowing
what was going on with him. “You know, I never know when he or one of the neighbors
will call to check in on me. It would be just my luck for him to call while I was
out smoking or, you know, off doing whatever. So I got in the habit early of always
forwarding the house phone to my cell. That way, I never miss a call and he thinks
I never leave the house without his permission when he’s gone.”

“Man, he thinks of everything doesn’t
he?”

“Yeah, but so do I.”

We laid there in silence for a while
longer as I contemplated the lengths his father went to. I couldn’t imagine how
Kevin had survived for as long as he had. With as much control as his father expended,
I knew Kevin had to be brilliant to keep him from finding out about everything he
got himself into. I marveled at his ability to hide so much from his dad. But I
guessed that when life depended on it, anyone would make it happen. The more I thought
about Kevin and what he had to do just to survive, the more I felt the urge never
to leave his side. Of course, that immediately led to the fact that sometimes things
just felt so wrong despite my growing feelings for him.

“Why do people hate us?”

“What do you mean?” he asked with a
bit of a huff.

“I mean, not us so much as, you know…what
we do.”

“Oh,” he said, and I could feel the
grin of comprehension, then a sigh. “The world is not a nice place,” he said almost
absentmindedly as he ran his fingers over my back. I closed my eyes and reveled
in his touch. I was tired of angry Kevin. He had changed so much in the last few
months, and I wished I never had to deal with that other side of him.

“When did you first know you were gay?”
I asked.

“Forever ago.”

“What, like when you were five?”

“Well, it’s kinda like the stories you
hear. I knew I was different when I was little. Eventually I realized I was attracted
to guys.”

“Did you ever struggle with it?”

“No, not really. It’s just who I am.”

“But if you’re so okay with it, why
not come out?”

“Not really about me, it’s about my
father. How do you think he’d take it if people found out his precious son was a
raging homo?” He continued to tickle my back. “Besides, I’ve created two worlds
for myself. They both serve a function. One is to play, the other is to survive.”

“And where do I fit in? Which world?”

“You’ve presented a bit of a problem
for me,” he teased.

“I’m serious. I know nothing of this
other life you talk about. God, I don’t even know if that’s what I am.” I couldn’t
quite bring myself to say it yet.

“Trust me, you are,” he said, pulling
me tight against him.

“Have you ever slept with another guy?”
I asked. His body stiffened and his hand stopped tickling my back. “What is it?”
I looked up at him. “How many?”

“Why is it important?”

“Why wouldn’t it be? How many?” I said,
sitting up. I could tell by his body language that I wasn’t going to like his answer.

He shrugged his shoulders. “I’m really
not sure.”

“How can you not be sure? It’s not a
hard question. Five? Ten? Twenty? Fifty?"

“Probably more than that.” A strand
of his black hair fell into his face and he impatiently shook his head.

“More than fifty? What, like a hundred?”
I accused. I pulled away as he reached out for me.

“Like I said, I don’t really know. Come
back here.”

“How? How could you possibly be with
that many guys? Did you care for any of them?” I asked, pulling even further out
of his reach.

“I met most at the clubs. I didn’t care
about any of them, not like you. Most were from when I was tricking,” he said without
looking at me as he rested back into the bed.

“Tricking?” I forced the word out of
my lungs and past my heart, which had lodged itself firmly in my throat.

“What’s the problem, Saint Ricky?” His
old nickname for me felt poisonous rolling off his tongue.

“Don’t you dare do that now,” I cut
him off.

“Do what?” A small smile tugged at his
lips. He knew exactly what he was doing.

“Don’t you start to play your games
with me. I’m not about to let you try to control this situation. We’re past that.”
He laid naked on the bed, with a simple sheet draped over him, his arms resting
behind his head like he didn’t have a care in the world. His eyes were empty, the
flat stone I hated. I knew he was weighing his choices. He was scared and trying
to protect himself. “I know you better than you think, Kevin. You’re trying to figure
out how to play this game with me to your advantage so you don’t get all those bottled-up
feelings involved. You stay right here, checked in with me and without your games,
or I’ll walk out of here and I won’t come back.” His eyes flashed with anger as
he struggled to control his emotions, and then they became empty again. At last
he resigned, and his soft, dark eyes returned.

“Well then, let’s have it,” he said
rolling out of the bed and fishing for his clothes on the floor.

“When’s the last time you tricked?”

“Long before I slept with you.”

“And all these guys you’ve been with,
were you at least safe with them?”

“Sometimes.”

“God, Kevin, how could you and not tell
me?”

“I’ve been tested.”

“So.”

“Several times, as recently as last
week. I’m fine.”

“Still.”

“Still what? I’m fine and I’ve always
been safe with you, so you’re fine.” He had his back to me, and I could see his
scars screaming at me.

“You should’ve told me.”

“Why? So you could get all self-righteous
like you are right now and judge me? Excuse me for wanting to put this off for as
long as possible. I’m not that person anymore, Rick.”

“So you haven’t tricked since before
we slept together? What about just plain old screwing. Have there been other guys?”

“Yes.”

My heart left my throat and descended
rapidly to the pit of my stomach, feeling like he had just sucker punched me. I
almost wished he had. “When? How many?”

“Just one, the night you left, after
I hit you.”

“How could you? You know what I’ve given
up for you? How could you throw that away?” Outrage at opening myself up to him
colored my thoughts red.

“What?” he asked bitingly. I could tell
he was trying to control his anger, and I worried he might snap on me. “Are you
fucking kidding? All that
you’ve
given up for me?” He stood up, his voice
becoming more controlled. “You can’t be serious! How many fucking times did you
run to Jessica after I kissed you?” he mocked me. “And you were the one who called
it off that night. What did you expect me to do? Come running after you and beg
you to stay with me? I don’t chase guys, Rick. I don’t need to. Do you see this
shit?” He motioned to his finely sculpted chest that was somehow even sexier with
the scars. “Why in god’s name would I chase after any guy with all I have to offer?
I am so much better than that!”

“Better than that, are you?” I threw
back at him, my face flushed with heat like someone had just opened an oven and
all the hot air rushed at me. “So, I should consider myself lucky to be with you?”

He shook his head and glared at me.
“Knock it off. Quit being like that. You know that’s not what I said. Don’t try
to twist my fucking words on me.”

“What’d you mean by it then?” I demanded,
shoving my legs roughly into my jeans and grabbing my shirt.

“Whatever! And how many people have
you fucked? I know for a fact you were with Jessica. Anyone else I should know about?”

“That’s different.”

“What?” He let out a short laugh. “Explain
that one to me.”

“She’s a girl.”

“And?”

“And…” I stammered. “And, it’s different.”

“How?” he asked, his voice chillingly
calm. “How is it different, Rick?”

“I’m not…!”

“Not what, Rick? You can’t even say
the word! You’re not what? Gay? Queer? A faggot? You’re not even sure what you wanna
be!”

I reeled at his words, taking several
steps back at the hate he threw with them.

“No, I’m sure about that!” I spat at
him.

 “Let me help you. My cock was in your
ass. You’re a fag, just like me. Own it already.”

“I am not!” I shouted, only half believing
my own words, terrified he was right. I started to grab my stuff to leave.

He was in my face, screaming, and my
instincts were warning me to get out of his way. “Fag or not, do you have any fucking
clue what you mean to me?” he shouted at me as his face turned several shades of
red, and I turned to put some distance between us. He grabbed my arm and spun me
around to face him. “Damnit, Rick! I gave up that whole other life for you. I used
to sleep around with hundreds of men. I could fuck any guy I fucking wanted. And
now look at me. I’m sitting here practically begging you not to go. You’ve made
me fucking weak.” He slammed his palms into my chest and shoved me against the wall,
but his anger turned to desperation. “You’ve made me lose control! You claim to
know me, so tell me, what does that fucking mean?” Tears built up in his eyes and
gradually started to run down his face, while I stared at him in disbelief. His
voice came out in a harsh whisper, “Tell me what it means.” He stopped, backed up,
spun around and punched a hole in the wall. Grabbing his fist, he glared at me.
“Get out!” Unable to move or say anything, I stood there until he took several steps
towards me again. “So help me fucking god, don’t make me break my promise. Get the
fuck out of this house!”

 
Kevin

Within seconds of Rick running up the
stairs, I knew I was going to fucking chase him. As I roughly wiped the goddamn
tears from my cheeks, I thought,
Me, Kevin Vincent, is crying and is going to
chase after a goddamn guy. I might as well start using clichés like my life has
gone to hell in a handbasket or I made my bed, now I should sleep in it.

I wasted another thirty seconds trying
to talk myself out of going.

“Fuck, you know you’re going to do it.
Just get it over with,” I mumbled to myself as I grabbed my jacket and went after
him.

The last thing in the world I expected
to see was Rick in front of my house talking to Brett, Mike and Jeremy. I nearly
ran right into them, thinking I was in for a chase. All four just stared at me.