Violence Begets... (21 page)

“What the fuck?” was all I managed.

“Just wondering what happened,” Jeremy
said quietly.

“We were supposed to meet up at Zarahemla
an hour ago,” Brett said with an edge.

“Did you forget?” Mike asked, more to
Rick than me.

My mind was completely blank. I looked
over at Rick who was looking at his feet, waiting, as expected, for me to answer.
I couldn’t grasp what the fuck was going on. All I knew was that I was chasing Rick
down. I had no idea what the guys were talking about, not to mention the fact that
my nerves were screaming at me to get the five of us away from my front yard so
my neighbors didn’t see us and report back to my father. After several more uncomfortable
beats of silence, Rick spoke up.

“Did we forget? I distinctly remember
Kevin telling us to meet here, not at Zarahemla.” He was fucking covering for me.

“No, it was Zarahemla,” Brett pushed.

“It
was
Zarahemla, but if you
remember, he changed his mind. Oh, that’s right. Maybe you were too busy checking
out that new girl to pay attention.”

“And all three of us heard wrong?”

“You calling Kevin a liar?” Rick spat.

That shut them up, and as usual I marveled
at how quick he could be on his feet. I shouldered past them, trying to act like
the whole thing irritated me enough that it didn’t justify my attention, but in
reality I was horrified to realize how much I’d fucked up. I knew they would follow,
so I headed to Zarahemla, hands jammed in my pockets, head down, hair shielding
my eyes. Fucking up and forgetting to show up was one thing—not showing up was not
out of the norm for me—but having Rick in my bed where the guys may very well have
come looking for me? That could have been a colossal disaster. Five minutes earlier,
and they would’ve found us naked. And then being caught so off guard that I couldn’t
get my head on straight, and Rick having to cover for me? I was no longer just off
my game; I might as well be on a fucking suicide mission.
Un-fucking-believable,
I thought.

I didn’t say a word over the next three
hours as they went on about the shit they normally talked about. Rick did a good
job keeping their attention from me, knowing I could snap if one of them said one
wrong thing. I stared at the fire Jeremy had lit to keep the bite of spring weather
at bay. All I could think about was Rick. From fucking up with the guys, to the
tears, to the goddamn chasing, I had to figure out how to stop everything from spinning
even more out of control. Walking home, we dropped Rick off like normal and I continued
on to my house. Before my door closed I had my phone out and was calling him.

“I don’t think I’m ready to talk yet,”
he said, answering the phone.

“Then why’d you answer?” I spat out
at him, still on edge. “Fuck, I didn’t mean that. Don’t talk, just listen. Come
back out. I’m on my way back down.” I hung up, hoping he’d at least come out and
tell me off face to face.

When I got to his house, he was sitting
on the curb, smoking.

I didn’t say anything and kept walking.
He followed my lead.

“So talk,” he said after a few minutes.

“I’m
off my game.”

“I
know.”

“I
mean, bad.” I tried to emphasize how big of a deal this was.

“And
you want to blame me,” he said shortly.

“No.
This is all on me.”

Rick
glanced sideways at me, and I noted the look of irritation fade slightly from his
blue-gray eyes.

“So,
you’re off your game, and that’s bad. I get it. But how does this have anything
to do with you and all your boyfriends?”

“That’s
just it. I’m not on my game anymore.” I took a deep breath and forged on. “I’m not
in control of shit anywhere. Not with the guys, not at home. For sure not the fuck
with you. I don’t even know what I’m saying right now, rambling like this. Since
when do I fucking ramble? I don’t go to the clubs anymore, I don’t fuck anyone but
you, and you have me spinning so far out of control, I don’t know which way is up.
I mean, I fucking chased you tonight, and then when we ran into the guys, I couldn’t
think about anything but making sure you didn’t walk away from me.”

“Okay,”
he said, and I could hear the lack of trust lacing his one word.

“Fuck,
I don’t know how to say it. That guy you’re pissed at, that was before you. I don’t
know who I am anymore, but it’s not that person.”

“So
you stopped sleeping around because of me?”

“Yes!”
I said, pausing a beat and not wanting to continue, but I had to. “Wait, no! Fuck.
I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I’m not all noble and shit. Yes, I stopped
fucking around because of you, but not like that.” I ran my fingers through my hair,
knowing I wasn’t making any sense. “Sit,” I said, stopping and pointing to a curb.
He looked at me carefully.

“It’s
really cold out here,” he said.

“I
need to get this out and I can’t fucking concentrate and walk at the same time,
alright? Fucking sit, would ya?”

“Fine,”
he said, slowly sitting on the curb. He pulled his flask and smokes out and put
them to use. Grabbing my own flask and taking several long swallows, I started to
pace in front of him.

“Okay,
I know that for this,” I said, motioning between the two of us, “to ever work, I
gotta lay this shit on the line.” I took several deep drags on my smoke, trying
to figure out the best way to say what I needed to say, like I knew what the fuck
I was doing. “That time you asked me why I kissed you?” He nodded. “I told you I
was scared, which was the truth. But what you really should’ve asked is why I kissed
you the second time.” I took a deep breath and started rambling again.

“After
you found out about my father and the whole 'me kissing you' thing, I got scared.
You know I think he’ll literally kill me if people find out. I knew I had to keep
you quiet. You’re a good person, so I knew if I got you to care for me, you would
keep quiet about my father.” I took another deep breath and steadied myself. He
was not going to like what I had to tell him. “And I knew that if you cared for
me, you’d let me fuck you. And once I fucked you, you wouldn’t tell anyone because
it would out you at the same time.” I waited, expecting him to walk off, blow up,
or hit me—god knows I deserved it.

“Jesus,”
I heard him breathe, but I didn’t look at him.

Not
being able to stand the silence, I continued. “I stopped fucking other guys because
I was so focused on keeping you quiet. But I should’ve known better. You were never
just one of the guys, and even though I started out all wrong, I ended up here,
with everything right. Fuck, everything’s not right, but you are.”

I
sank down and knelt in front of him. “Don’t you see? Everything’s wrong now, everything’s
out of control. You know what that does to me. All I see is you! I don’t party,
I don’t play, I’m nothing like the person I was when you first met me. And that’s
just it. I’m not that guy anymore. Yes, I’m still an ass, and I’m still going to
fucking blow up and do all the wrong things. Shit, here I am laying everything out
for you, rambling like a complete asshole, and I know you’re not even okay with
the whole gay thing. But we’re more than that. We have something and you can’t deny
it. For the first time in my life, I fucking care about something. I care about
you, and no matter what I did in the past, I promise that’s not who I am when I’m
with you. You’re all that’s good....” My voice cracked and I felt the tears start
to burn my eyes again.
Goddamnit,
I thought,
when had I become such a
fucking mess?
There was so much more I wanted to say, but I shut my mouth, scared
to go on.

“I
was a game,” he said simply, and I heard the distance in his voice that I didn’t
want to hear. He pulled away from me and stood up. My heart crashed, and I ducked
my head, ashamed to look at him. I could hear him taking drags on his smoke. I fell
back and sat on the concrete, knees raised and my head cradled in my arms. I couldn’t
bear to watch him walk away. “It’s probably best if you give me some space,” he
said as his footsteps faded into the darkness.

Rick

When I got home, I headed straight to
the shower, hoping I wouldn’t wake anyone up but not caring too much if I did. I
knew there was no way I’d be able to lay down and relax with the multitudes of thoughts
tearing through my mind. I hoped the water from the shower would ease the tension
in my muscles and take the edge off my overwhelming emotions. The water slowly heated
up, and the initial sting faded quickly. I felt so exhausted. I’d never seen Kevin
so unhinged, and it took its toll on me. I couldn’t help but hear what he was saying;
he was out of control, it was dangerous, and I was the center of the whole thing.
Not to mention the idea that everything I felt for him had been based on a game
to keep me quiet. I always suspected he was playing at something, I just didn’t
expect to be at the center of his ploy. I didn’t even want to be this way, and here
I was dealing with all the drama that went along with it. I was so tired and overwhelmed
that I could barely stand. I cradled my head in my arm against the shower wall and
ran my palm against my short hair, brushing the water out of my eyes. I just wanted
to lie down and sleep off the crushing feelings. I flipped the lever to keep the
water in the bathtub and turned off the showerhead. The water splashed into the
empty tub, immediately beginning to puddle. I waited several seconds until the water
began to cover my feet, then slowly sank to the tile, my shoulders slumping as the
warm water began to envelope my body. I turned the knob to make it hotter and felt
the heat begin to spread at my feet.

I didn’t want to think. I couldn’t anymore.
I felt and saw only the water that pooled and rippled around my bruised body. I
turned the knob again, adding even more heat. As it reached my torso, I let myself
slide into the water. It slowly crept and wrapped itself around my aching limbs.
As the heat stung my skin, the mental tension and physical pain began to fade away.
My ears sank beneath the water level. I closed my eyes and the world became muted.
My breathing became even and steady, inhaling the steam that billowed above the
water deep into my lungs. I could hear the water pounding into the bathtub, but
the world outside was distant. My body floated and swayed with the movements of
the splashing water. I reached up with my foot and turned the water off. The roar
was gone and it was silent. My thoughts remained as weightless as my body. My sense
of gravity, pain, light, and noise were all muted. Heat wrapped around me, and the
soft swaying of the water suppressed my anxiety, dissolving my broken life while
my body remained behind, floating weightlessly.

 To his credit, at school the next day
he let me have my space. He watched me cautiously but kept his edge clear. He focused
in on Mike, who was talking about his brother who had joined the Army awhile back.
Apparently, Mike had let his parents know that he also wanted to join, and they
were giving him just as much crap as they had his brother.

Towards the end of the day, I nearly
ran right into Jessica in the hall.

“Howdy, stranger,” she beamed up at
me.

“Hey.” Putting on my best smile, I leaned
in and gave her a hug.

“What’s wrong with you?”
Leave it
to Jessica to zero right in on my mood,
I thought.

“Nothing.”

“I call BS.”

“Really, I’m fine.”

“And I’m not an idiot. Hate to break
it to you, but you are a horrible liar.” If she only knew all the lies I'd told
her. “Plans with Kevin tonight?”

I narrowed my eyes at her. Why did I
always feel she knew more about what was going on than she admitted? “No. Why?”
I ventured cautiously.

“Good, you’re coming over for dinner.
My parents are making manicotti at six. Don’t be late.”

I called after her as she sailed down
the hall, trying to get out of her plans, but she didn’t slow down. Sometimes I
wondered if she was even more stubborn than Kevin.

After dinner with her amazingly normal
mom, dad and little brother, she tried to get me to go out on her back porch, but
knowing how close her house was to Kevin’s, I talked her into hanging out in her
basement. I hoped we’d watch TV or a movie or something, but the second I sat down
she turned to me and said “Okay, dish.”

I tried to laugh good-naturedly at her.
“About?”

“Whatever has you in such a funky mood.”

“Jessica, like I told you—”

She interrupted me, “Rick, come on,
it’s me.” She scooted closer to me on the couch and took my hand in hers. “I know
better than that.”

I fell back into the cushions of her
couch. As much as I didn’t want to talk about anything, I knew she was just trying
to be there for me.

“Is this about your new exclusive dating
friend?”

“Huh?” I asked distractedly, still thinking
about Kevin being next door.

“The person you want to be all exclusive
with?”

“I can’t talk to you about all this.
It’s weird.”

“Only if you make it.”

“Me talking about the person I’m sleeping
with now, with the girl I used to sleep with? It’s weird!”

“Hi, remember me?” she said, waving
her hand in front of my face. “The free love hippie chick. You don’t think I can
handle it?"

I wished I could tell her everything—about
my dad, Kevin, Kevin’s dad, and, most of all, my feelings for him and what he’d
done.
What a mess,
I thought.

“Melissa.” The name came out of nowhere.
I hadn’t planned on talking about Kevin, but making up an imaginary name for him
suddenly made it seem possible.

“Is that her name? We’re making progress.
Now tell me what’s going on with her.”

I closed my eyes so I didn’t have to
look at her. “I don’t really know. It’s such a crazy relationship.” She hummed in
response, letting me ramble. “I never thought I’d fall for her. I didn’t want to—that's
for sure. In fact, I didn’t really like her when we first met, but now, I just don’t
know. She’s…” I searched for the best way to describe Kevin, “messed up.”

Jessica laughed, and I looked over at
her. I hadn’t meant to be funny. “Aren’t we all?”

“Not like this.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, smiling
gently.

“She has this really intense past and
doesn’t trust anyone, but she claims to trust me. If I believe her, then I’m like
the only one who really knows her. But on the other hand, she could be totally full
of it and just playing me. And to top it all off, it’s just not an easy idea,” I
paused, “being with her.”

“Why would she play you like that?”

“Power, control—I have no idea, but
she admitted to me the other night that, when we first met, I was simply a game
to her.”

“Ouch!”

“I know, right? But now, she says it’s
something different, but that was only when she thought I was leaving her. I don’t
know what to do. There are times I’m still scared to be with her. She comes from
such a crazy place, and part of me knows it’s not right. It’s hard to tell what’s
real. It’s all just so complicated.”

“Well, what’s your heart telling you?”

I laughed a little. Of course, it was
that easy for Jessica. Just listen to my heart. I thought about it for a second,
“I don’t know. That I like her? But so much of it still feels so wrong.”

“Well, that was convincing. Like her
or love her, Rick?” I blinked at her. The question pierced into every fear I had.
I’d never allowed myself to even think about him that way. I sat silently. Was it
possible? Had I fallen in love with him?

“Oh, Jessica,” I sighed. “I don’t know.
How did this happen? Why did this happen?”

“Is that a yes?”

“I don’t know what it is.” I sat up
impatiently, wringing my hands together. “It’s just not that simple!”

“Is being in love so bad? Love is a
beautiful thing. Why are you resisting it so much?”

“You don’t understand. Things are so
complicated.”

“Well, help me understand then.”

I leaned back again and thought about
it. Would she understand my feelings for a guy? How could she? I barely understood
myself. Added to that, I had feelings for a jerk like Kevin. But he wasn’t the person
most people thought he was. He tried to take such good care of me. Ever since my
first run-in with my dad he’d been taking care of me.

“God, Jessica, I think I’m in love!”

“That’s what I thought.”

“But this is so not right.”

“You can’t pick who you love,” she said
softly, almost sadly.

“Should I tell her how I feel?”

“That’s up to you.”

“I don’t even know how she’d react if
I did?”

“And you won’t know unless you tell
her.”

“This is so not how I pictured my whole
first love thing going down.”

“I don’t think it happens like any of
us thinks it will.”

“Sometimes I just wish it’d been you.”
I said regretfully.

“It would’ve been nice, but it just
wasn’t right. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

“I love you too, Jessica.”

As she walked me to the door that night,
she gave me a giant hug, reassuring me that if I trusted in love I wouldn’t regret
it. Sadly, I didn’t feel as confident about the idea as she seemed to be.

Several days passed, and I still hadn’t
come to terms with everything he’d done, or my newly realized feelings for him.
I felt that on some level he must have been telling the truth, but I kept going
back to the idea that I was all part of his game, that what he said he felt for
me was just a pretense to keep me from telling anyone what I knew, as if I’d do
that anyway. And if what he'd said was the truth? Then it just made me even madder
that he had actually thought I’d tell someone in the first place. I always thought
he understood me better than anyone else, and if he really thought that about me,
then he didn’t know me at all. Finally, there was a part of me that wanted it all
just to be a game for him. That way, I could walk away and not look back. I’d have
a reason to shut out how I felt, and then maybe try things with Jessica again.

In my efforts to avoid Kevin, I found
myself spending more time with Emma. After returning from the park with her one
evening, we settled down to watch a movie when my dad walked into the front room.

“Emma honey, would you mind going to
your room for a bit? I need to talk to Rick,” he said, looking at her but not at
me.

“But daddy, we’re watching a movie.”

“I know sweetie. The movie will be here
later. I need to talk to your brother. Can you be a big girl and go to your room?”
As he said this, I knew whatever conversation was to follow would not be a good
one.

“Come on,” I said, taking a deep breath
and turning to her. “Listen to dad. We’ll watch the movie later, ok?” I nudged her
gently and she huffed in my direction.

“Fine!” she pouted as she slid off the
couch.

“Thanks, honey, and please close your
door,” my dad called after her.

“Basement. Now,” he said still not looking
in my direction.

“Why?” I asked in defiance. If I was
going to get it, I wasn’t going to make it easy for him.

“Excuse me?” he said, turning to me.

“Listen, whatever you have to say, say
it. We don’t have to get into it with Emma home.”

“I said get your ass downstairs!”

“What’s this about?”

“Like hell you don’t know.” His anger
was rising and I knew it was stupid to argue with him, but I honestly didn’t know
what he was mad about. And like Kevin had recommended, I sensed it might just be
easier to get it over with by pushing him until he blew.

“I don’t know! That’s why I asked,”
I threw back at him.

I flinched when he reached out and wrapped
his fingers around my arm. Yanking hard, he pulled me up and off the couch, shoving
me towards the basement.

“This is about the fact that you have
no respect for this house anymore. You come and go as you wish.” As I started through
the door to the stairs, he pushed me and I stumbled down several before catching
the railing for balance. “Think you can keep whatever hours you want?” You don’t
think I notice when you don’t come home at night, or when you sneak in at five in
the morning?”

“I thought you liked it that way,” I
snarled at him as I made my way to the furthest room in the basement, hearing him
shutting each door behind him. “I know you can’t stand me. Figured I’d make it easy
and stay out of your life as much as possible.”

The sting from his hand against the
side of my head surprised me, because I’d expected him to wait until we were barricaded
as far away from Emma as possible.

“You still live here, and as long as
you do you will show me respect.” I nearly ran to the room that had become my torture
chamber, concerned only with keeping the noise from Emma. And again, just like Kevin
had taught me, I began to count as soon as the belt met my skin, hoping I’d be able
to restrain my cries enough to not be heard. In the end, I think the pillow I grabbed
and buried my face in helped more than anything.