Violence Begets... (23 page)

“Fuck off.”

“You first,” I snapped back at him,
and he actually started laughing.

“When did you grow a pair?”

“When you lost yours,” I sparred, glad
of the lightening mood.

“Why don’t you swear?” His question
came out of nowhere, and I considered my response for a second.

“Why do you?” I finally said.

“Cause I fucking like it.”

“Well, I don’t.”

“Like swearing or like me swearing?”

“Like to swear. With you, it’s sexy.”

“Really? What else to you find sexy?”

“Like your head needs to be any bigger!”

“So I’ve been told.”

“Knock it off,” I said, smacking him
on the arm. “Where we goin’?”

“Fuck if I know,” he laughed. We drove
in silence for a while. I leaned my head against the seat and closed my eyes, opening
them again when I felt him pull the car to the right and slow to a stop.

“What are we doing?”

“Hiking.”

“What? You don’t hike.”

“Says who?”

“Says I have never seen you do anything
athletic, except fight, in the year and a half I’ve known you.”

He got out of the car and started walking
towards a trail. I let myself out and looked around. It was beautiful up here. I
couldn’t believe I’d never been up the canyons when I pretty much lived within walking
distance of two of them.

“You think this is a good idea?” I called
after him.

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Well, in my Wilderness Survival class
they told us—”

“Unbelievable.”

“What?”

“I don’t know how I ended up with such
a nerd.”

“Hey, I’m not,” I said, pouting.

“Yeah, you are. But I don’t fucking
care. You’re still hot,” he said, turning back to me and winking.

I stopped talking. He had a point; I
did worry too much. After some time on the deserted trail, we came into a clearing.
It was breathtaking. There was a massive area of just green. It looked like it may
once have been a giant riverbed, overgrown and surrounded on all sides by ledges
that were just as green. In the middle of it all, a gigantic tree had fallen across
a cliff high above the ground, making a natural bridge.

“This is it.”

“You’ve been here?”

“Nope.”

He grabbed my hand and hiked up one
of the sides, weaving and making his own trail in order to reach one edge of the
fallen tree. He pulled me along after him. Even though the tree was massive, we
were still careful to balance as we made our way out and sat down right in the middle.

Kevin

“What the fuck are you doing?” I asked
irritably. We’d been on the damn tree an hour and, par for the course, I wasn’t
a patient person. It’d been my brilliant idea to go on a fucking hike, but then
Rick started his little project and lost interest in me, and I was ready to take
off.

“Just gimme a second.”

“You’ve been at that damn log for like
twenty fucking minutes. How many more fucking seconds do you need?”

“Seriously, Kevin,” he looked up, head
still bent, hand shielding whatever he was doing. Shit, he was just asking to be
fucked, looking at me the way he was. “Stop trying to peek.”

“Peek? You really just accused me of
trying to peek? What are we, like five?” A glint entered his eyes. He knew damn
well I’d been trying to see what he was up to. “Fine!” I let out in a huff and laid
back on the log, my feet dangling off each side. “Three questions?”

“We’re still playing that game? Aren’t
we past that?”

“Yeah, but I need a fucking distraction,
so shoot.”

“And what will you be requiring in return?”

“Well, after you get your answers, I
get to see what the fuck you’re doing to that log.”

I heard him laugh a little. “That hardly
seems fair. I already plan on showing you when I’m done.”

“So, you’re walking out of this ahead
either way, and you’re arguing with me about it? What the hell’s wrong with you?”

“Granted. Okay, let me think.”

“Well, make it quick. These trees are
hardly enough to distract me.”

“Really? I thought you liked it here.”
He knew he was pushing buttons, but judging by the way his tone changed, I could
tell he was talking to himself more than me. “I find the trees distracting. It’s
so quiet up here! It’s peaceful, you know? No one to worry about,” he trailed off.
Whatever he was doing, he stopped, the silence of the trees descending on us.

“Yeah, I get it,” I said, bringing my
smoke to my lips. I could hear the crackling of the paper as the fire lit it with
my inhaled breath. It was silent, but the more I listened, the more ambient noise
started to seep into my head. I heard the sounds of undisturbed nature. I didn’t
have to look at Rick to know he was craning his head back, looking up to the tips
of all the treetops. I heard the crack of tree branches breaking after years of
bearing the weight of snow, a slight breeze being the push that finally caused the
break. I could see a bird in flight, heard the scurry of a nearby creature darting
for cover. On the surface, everything was so silent and serene, but when I listened,
everything was fighting for survival just as much as I was.

“Other than your dad,” Rick’s voice
broke through, “what scares you more than anything else in this world?”

Fuck this honest, no-filter shit that
always happened around him. I closed my eyes and draped my arm across my face. I
didn’t want to be tempted to look at him. I wondered why it was that every single
time he knew exactly which questions he shouldn’t ask. “You,” I said shortly.

“Why?” he asked after several minutes
of silence.

“Question two?” I replied.

“Fine.”

“You have to be working on that shit.
The whole point is to distract me until you’re done. If you stop working, it defeats
the fucking purpose,” I grumbled. I heard him resume what he was doing. “Fuck! You
should know why,” I said, trying the easy route. He didn’t respond. “Son-of-a-bitch,
fine.” I pushed out my breath. Could I really tell him this shit? “You scare me.”
I heard him stop working again. “Don’t fucking stop or I’ll stop talking,” I snapped
at him. The scraping started up again.

I took a long haul on the smoke, then
flicked it off the side of the tree, watching it tumble end over end until it disappeared
into the overgrowth dozens of feet below us. I forced my eyes back to the treetops
and thought about counting them to focus myself.

“You already know this shit, but what
the hell.” Again, I paused and hoped he’d let me off the hook. “I’m not in control
when you’re around.” I finally said. “That’s really dangerous for me. Like, life-threatening
dangerous.” He kept busy. “I think about you when I should be thinking about the
next blow or the next punishment. But even more, you scare me because I can’t seem
to filter this shit.” And the real truth came out. “I sure as hell can’t control
my fucking body either. I don’t know what the fuck’s wrong with me.” I took a deep
breath, fished another smoke out and found my flask. I poured several shots down
my throat, then lit up. He kept working, not saying a word. He was probably waiting
me out, hoping I’d give him more. I wasn’t planning on it.

“K, I’m done,” he said quietly.

“What?”

“I’m done. Wanna see what I was working
on?”

I sat up. He had his hands still shielding
what he’d been doing.

“Promise you won’t laugh.”

“No.”

He actually looked a little shy. I let
my lips curve into a small smile, a promise of no laughter, and I felt his eyes
searching for my reaction as he removed his hands. My breath caught. Goddamnit.
Something so silly, but so Rick. A simple, jagged and uneven heart carved in the
trunk of the tree with our initials RSJ + KV carved in the middle. I knew how hard
on himself he was about the way he felt, and his innocent gesture spoke volumes
to me. He cared, even if he couldn’t always admit it to himself.

 “Question number three, what are you
thinking right now?” he whispered.

I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t tear
my eyes off his carving. After all the shit we’d been through, this is what fucking
got me, a goddamn heart carved on a tree. My emotions had been barricaded behind
a dam for so long, and he’d managed to find the one spot that was the weakest. He
moved towards me, covering the heart with his body. I glued my eyes to the spot
it had been. I knew if I looked at him, I’d lose it. I started counting, trying
to shut out the flood of reactions I was feeling. His fingers found my face and
then threaded into my hair.

“Come back to me, Kev. It’s safe here.
You don’t need to go there.” His voice weaved through my head, cradling the thoughts
that wanted to break apart and shatter. I looked into his eyes and felt the truth
of his words. I suddenly felt like I was falling and I grasped onto the wrist of
the hand threaded in my hair. He flinched slightly, and I knew I hadn’t hurt him,
but I also knew better than to move that quickly. Reflexes were instinctual.

“Don’t let me go,” I nearly cried as
he moved closer to me and wrapped his other arm around my waist, pulling my body
into his, my face resting on his chest. Desperately, I grabbed onto him, feeling
the hot tears burn my eyes. My chest hitched, trying to find air.

“Shhh. I’ve got you,” he whispered.

My hands fisted into his t-shirt, clenching
and unclenching. My muscles coiled, wanting to run, then released as I caved into
him. My hand brushed against the heat of his skin, and I immediately tore at his
shirt, needing to feel his skin against mine.

“Shhh,” he said again, pulling away
a little. But his eyes held the same need as mine. “Come,” he said, pushing himself
up and holding his hand out to me. He pulled me up and backed slowly off the log,
keeping his eyes locked onto mine. I wondered if he thought I’d fall to pieces if
he turned his back on me. As usual, his instincts were right on. His eyes were the
only thing that kept me from breaking apart.

Once off the precipice of the fallen
tree, he led me towards a huge boulder, nearly flat on its surface, and pulled me
into him. I came willingly, falling into his embrace. He took me in his arms and
kissed me, pulling at my shirt, then his. His hands traveled my body, knowing the
areas that were still sensitive. He knew me.

I reached for the button on his jeans.
“No,” he said softly and I stopped, confused. “Let me,” he said, pulling at my jeans.

“Sure?” I asked, my voice unsteady and
throaty, asking him as much as asking myself. I topped; I’d never let someone else
take the lead.

“Please?” he responded, knowing my question
had been more for myself than him. I moved my body so I was the one backed up to
the rock. A fleeting thought of being cornered and trapped assaulted me. He must’ve
seen it in my eyes. “Hey,” he said. “It’s just me. We don’t have to.”

“No, I want to. It’s just…”

“I know. It’s okay. Take your time,”
he said gently.

I found his hands and moved them again
to my jeans. It was Rick. I was safe with him, I repeated to myself. Up here in
the middle of this silent world, my father was far away. I could let my control
go. I could let go for him, for us.

Rick

His body was beautiful, and to see him
let go of his control and let me bring him pleasure was more than I ever thought
it could be. As he cried out in pleasure and pure abandonment, it brought me to
a new high. I’d almost told him I loved him as we came together, but I found myself
still in doubt.

After he gave his body to me, I finally
believed he cared for me deeply, but as the days went on there was still a small
part of me that didn’t trust him. And while I didn’t really believe in God, in the
off chance He was out there, I was pretty sure He hated gay people, and I wasn’t
loving the idea of going to hell. Add to that the thought of what my dad would do
to me if he found out, and it all seemed a pretty high price to pay. These torments
tore and wedged their way into my daily thoughts so often that, one day after guitar
lessons, Kevin picked up on my distraction.

 He looked cautiously at me as I slid
into his car. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I mumbled. There was still
a lot both of us held close, things we weren’t ready to be really open about but
didn’t want to lie about either. My doubts were one of those items, something I
wasn’t about to share with him. I knew it drove him crazy. He liked to know everything,
but he tried hard to respect me. I watched as his hands tensed slightly on the steering
wheel, but he didn’t say anything else.

“I was thinking,” he paused for a few
moments. “Want to grab something to eat, then maybe catch a movie?”

“Did you just ask me on a date?” I said,
trying to hide my smile. I loved the idea, but I had to give him a hard time. It
seemed that when we were together, I could see no other future for us but one in
which we were together.