Violence Begets... (3 page)

“Don’t you raise your voice to me!”
he screamed. “I’ll ground you for the rest of the year if you don’t shut that trap
of yours.”

“Grounding me would only keep me here
more, and we both know that wouldn’t work for either of us.”

Faced with the obvious logic of this
statement, he fell back on his favorite phrase. “If your mother were still alive,
she’d be so disappointed.”

“More disappointed than now?” I asked.
“It’s kinda hard to outdo killing your brother.”

His jaw opened and then closed a few
times as he clamored for words through his anger.

I ducked past him and ran up the stairs
to my room, gripping onto the wooden handrail. I was about to crack, and I didn’t
want him or Emma to see me. As I slammed the door, my anguished words racked through
my body, stabbing at my heart with their truth. I twisted and locked the door behind
me as I crumbled to the floor, barely hearing his pounding as I curled into a ball
and disappeared into my memories.

It must have been hours later when the
text message from Kevin rang and lit up my phone.
You’re fucking late
. I
hadn’t even realized I’d cried myself to sleep. I shot up, grabbed a jacket and
was out my window in less than a minute. I thought of eye drops only as I landed
on the grass. I debated going back up, but counted on the darkness to work in my
favor.

“Nice of you to join us.” The sarcasm
dripped from Kevin’s words.

“Sorry, my dad…” I started but fell
silent when he took a step towards me, glaring into my obviously puffy eyes.

“I let you walk to and from school with
us, you don’t sit alone anymore, and I practically handed Jessica to you on a plate
this morning. On top of all that, you get the privilege of coming tonight. So shut
up before I give you a real reason to cry.”

I flinched and took a step back, not
sure if this was because of his words and his anger or the feeling he was about
to hit me.

“Okay, you got the message,” Kevin relented,
smiling as he placed his hand lightly on my shoulder. My mind started swimming.
“Let’s forget it. Come on. Jeremy, how’s that science class with Barney? I have
him next semester,” Kevin said as he started walking down the street, dropping the
intimidating attitude almost immediately. I was on edge waiting for him to freak
out on me again, but he continued like nothing had happened so I  convinced myself
that I’d imagined his threat.

To reassure myself of this, I put on
the best show I could and tried to join the conversation. “So how’d you come up
with the name Zarahemla?” I asked as casually as I could, hoping my voice didn’t
betray my nerves.

“It’s the name of a place in the
Book
of Mormon
,” Mike replied. Kevin looked right at me, but I couldn’t tell what
he was thinking.

“The what?” I asked, completely unnerved.

“
Book of Mormon
. It’s a book
like the Bible, but it’s for the Mormons.” Brett actually sounded like he didn’t
hate me. Maybe he was taking pity on me and my swollen eyes.

“It’s our own little holy land,” Jeremy
laughed.

“So, you guys Mormon or something?”
Things felt like they were getting easier.

“It’s Utah, we’re all Mormon,” Mike
laughed.

“Not so fast. I’m not,” Jeremy protested.

“Do you actually go to church and all
that?”

“I do. My father insists,” Kevin said
evenly, slipping back into his normal nonchalant-but-edgy mood.

After following an alleyway—well, as
much of a secluded road as you get in the ritzy suburbs of Salt Lake City—the place
they called Zarahemla appeared. It looked like an old horse barn, obviously deserted
and trashed.

“Sit.” Kevin motioned me to a cinderblock
as they each settled on other left-behind remnants. Kevin perched himself on what
appeared to be the remains of an old wall. He leaned back against another adjoining
wall, and I noticed that it immediately gave him higher ground, almost a regal setting.

“So, I have a treat for you guys tonight,”
Kevin said, setting his backpack between his legs and unzipping it. He pulled out
a bottle of what looked like dirty water and a six-pack of beer.

“Where’d you get that?” Mike asked excitedly.

“I have my ways. Here, Jeremy, why don’t
you do the honors? You’ve been quiet tonight and I think you need something to loosen
you up,” Kevin said, tossing him a beer.

“I’m not really sure, Kev. I have a
test tomorrow.” Jeremy had an edge to him with everyone else, but when face-to-face
with Kevin he acted like a scared puppy. The uncertainty in his voice threw me.

“What, afraid of the calories or something?”
Kevin said, laughing as Jeremy turned red. I couldn’t help laughing until Kevin
turned to me and tossed the water bottle.

“As my guest, you can do the honors,”
he smiled. I wasn’t about to piss him off again, so I pulled open the top with my
teeth and squeezed a bunch in my mouth. The second it hit my throat my gag reflex
pushed it right back out and I spit it all over the ground.

“What the…? It tastes like rubbing alcohol,”
I coughed. Everyone was laughing at me and I felt myself turning red like Jeremy
had. I was blowing it. “I’d like to see you take a swig of this. It’s disgusting.”
I nearly threw the bottle at Brett, who was almost in tears laughing at me.

“It’s not supposed to taste good, you
idiot.” He put the bottle in his mouth and took a long drink. “Sweet Lord! That’s
brutal,” he said, grinning as he handed the bottle to Mike.

“Not up for the beer?" Kevin said,
bringing the attention back to Jeremy, who cracked it open and took a sip. Kevin
reached for the bottle from Mike. Both he and Brett had downed the mixture without
much problem, and I realized that none of them were new to this like I was. After
Kevin took a shot he handed it back to me.

“Wanna try again, tough guy?” The thought
of putting that concoction back in my mouth made my stomach churn.

“What exactly is in this?”

“Whatever was in Jeremy’s parents’ liquor
cabinet.”

“What? You got that from my house? They’ll
kill me if they find out!”

“Don’t worry about it. I just took a
bit off the top of all the bottles. They’ll never miss any.”

“So, what’s in it?” I asked again.

He laughed, “A bit of this, a bit of
that. I don’t know. Whiskey, wine, vodka, rum,
Jagër,
whatever
was there.”

“And you mixed it all?” I ask, astonished.

“Well, what would you like? Me to make
you a martini or something? It’s not supposed to taste good; it’s just supposed
to fuck you up. Go ahead.” A command was hidden there, and I held my breath and
put the bottle as far back in my throat as possible. As I swallowed, I felt the
fire all the way down to my stomach.

“That stuff is just wrong,” I gasped.

I handed the bottle off to Jeremy as
Kevin nodded at me to do so. I was still coughing and trying to keep the mixture
in my stomach. The way it burned I expected to feel drunk instantly. I wondered
if something was wrong with me because I didn’t feel drunk at all.

Suddenly, a flash of Jason’s face tried
to crowd into my head.
He isn't here,
I reminded myself. I had to pull this
off. I couldn’t go back to eating lunch alone, and somehow I knew this was just
another test.

“Hey, Kevin, can I have one of those
beers?” I asked. A rare smile crossed his lips as he handed me the beer.

Thirty minutes and several swigs later
I was drunk. I looked around to find that Kevin had disappeared, and I stumbled
outside to find him.

“Whacha doin’ out here all by your lonesome?”

“Trying to get away from you drunk fools,”
he replied. I put my arm around his shoulders to try to keep my balance. He immediately
shrugged me off and I fell down.

“What’d ya do that for?” I laughed from
the ground.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” he said coldly
and walked back into Zarahemla.

So that’s what a buzzkill is,
I thought. I wasn’t going to let him bring me down. He had nothing on the memories
I fought with. What could he possibly say or do that would hurt me more than what
I’d already done? I followed him back in and grabbed the bottle of alcohol, adding
to the fire burning in my stomach. As I got to know the guys better, Kevin faded
back into the silence.

At the end of the night, I stood at
the base of the tree next to my window. I looked up and immediately lost my balance,
falling back onto the grass. There was no way I was going to be able to climb the
tree, and I was glad the keys to the house were still in my pocket. After letting
myself in and taking what felt like an hour to get to my room, I remembered Mike
had said something about taking some aspirin and drinking water, but the only thing
I could think of was making it to my bed.

I woke the next morning with my shoes
and all my clothes on. My mouth was dry and felt like I’d been chewing on cotton
balls and onions all night. The sunlight was coming through my window and it was
like a bad scene in an alien movie—far too bright to be natural. I dizzily stumbled
to the bathroom and tried to throw up in the toilet, but I couldn’t. My head hurt
more than it had after the car accident. I found my way back to my bed and buried
myself under the blankets, trying to shut out the sound and light of day. I now
understood why Kevin had said he’d excuse me for not making it to the corner in
the morning. He knew there was no way I was going to be able to go to school.

Rick

“Aren’t we going to wait for him?” I
asked the guys the next day at the corner. Kevin was late.

“He wasn’t here yesterday either,” Mike
said as if that explained everything. They started walking. I joined them but kept
looking behind me to make sure Kevin wasn’t coming. I didn’t think he’d like us
taking off without him.

“And we know he’s not coming today?”
I questioned.

“He’s never late. If he’s not here on
time, he’s not coming,” Jeremy supplied.

“Besides, two days in a row, he’ll be
out for a few more days.” Mike pulled his jacket a little tighter around him.

“What?” I was not catching on.

“He does this. He takes off and doesn’t
show up for a few days, sometimes a week,” Jeremy offered.

“Where does he go?”

“Off partying, shacking up with some
chick, don’t really know. He doesn’t talk about it, and we don’t ask,” Mike continued.

“Don’t his parents get mad?”

“His dad,” Brett said shortly.

“What?” I asked again, trying to catch
up.

“It’s just him and his dad,” he threw
at me, making me feel like I should’ve known this.

 “Kevin’s dad is pretty strict, but
Kevin never mentions getting grounded or anything, so I guess he just deals with
it.” Jeremy offered as an explanation.

“My parents would totally freak,” Mike
said.

I couldn’t help but wonder where Kevin
was. I pictured him someplace with hot girls and alcohol, which immediately reminded
me of the party where I’d picked Jason up. Trying to push thoughts of Jason away,
I focused on the good times Kevin was likely having.

Several mornings later, he was back
at the corner. As usual, he leaned against the cement wall in dark contrast to the
colors of the leaves changing around us. His dark hair, black long-sleeved shirt,
dark pants, black boots, stance—everything about him screamed back-off to me.

“You’re back,” I offered hesitantly.

“Yep.”

“Where’ve you been?” I couldn’t help
my curiosity.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“That’s why I asked.”

He stared at me without saying anything,
and I wondered if the right thing would ever come out of my mouth at the right time.
It seemed that it didn’t matter if it was Jessica, one of the guys, my dad or Kevin;
I was always saying the wrong thing. I was glad he let it go, and I stood there
awkwardly, waiting for the others to get there. I slipped my hands in my jeans pockets
and listened as the fall leaves tumbled and rustled down the street in the wind.

After school that day, I didn’t feel
like being left behind again as they all went off to hang out. There was only so
much I could take. If I killed enough time, walking home alone wouldn’t be so bad
because the streets would be empty. I wondered for just a second if I should let
the guys know I had a test or something, but they probably wouldn’t care. I mean,
if they cared, they’d invite me to hang out with them, and they still didn’t.

I was right; none of them said anything
about it. Over the next week or so, I walked to school with them in the morning,
ate lunch with them, and even got invited to sneak out with them one night but after
school I made myself scarce and avoided walking home with them.

I was surprised one day when Kevin said,
“So, you too good to walk home with us now?” He was passing out packs of smokes
to the four of us at the corner. I watched curiously, wondering if he’d ask us to
pay for them. He never did.

“Uh, me?” I asked, stalling. He raised
an eyebrow. He knew I was stalling and wasn’t going to humor me. “No. Why?” Another
stall.

“Well, it’s been a week since you walked
home with us. Just wondering why.”

“Got in trouble. Detention. Why? You
miss me?” I swallowed hard, foot in mouth. I just couldn’t help myself. I felt so
defensive around him.

He paused for several seconds, his irritation
evident, obviously considering his reply. “What’d you do?”

“Told a teacher to mind his own business.”
I’d already over-stepped, might as well slide in a subtle 'mind-your-own-business'
statement for him. Half of me hoped he’d catch on. The other half wondered what
he’d do to me if he did figure it out.

Without hesitation he answered back,
“What’s that get ya, a week?”

“Sure, somethin’ like that.”

“Well, good. That means you will be
walking home with us again on Monday.”

He had cornered me, and I had no place
to go with my excuse. The smirk at the corner of his mouth proved that he knew exactly
what he was doing.

“Yeah, that’s what it means.” And I
began walking home with them again, experiencing the embarrassment every time they
continued on without me.

Kevin

Shit, he was good. I didn’t know if
I liked that or despised him for it. He was quick and had balls. He was never stupid
enough to call me right out, but enough to let me know he wasn’t going to sit back
and take my shit. I think I admired him because it would be all that much more satisfying
to see him break.

I was curious about what he’d been doing
after school. I knew damn well he hadn’t been in trouble, but I wasn’t overly concerned.
When pressed, he gave in to what I wanted, but I was curious as to what buttons
I could push with him. His eyes were a dead giveaway, but I’d tried several times
to get to the bottom of that shit, and he was like a goddamn fortress. All locked
up and shit. Like all of them, he worried about being cool and that was working,
but it wouldn’t work forever. I couldn’t quite get him to show me his weakness.
It infuriated the fuck outta me. I’d wanted a challenge, and I’d gotten one.

One thing I’d noticed was his annoying
habit of being nice to everyone, even people who didn’t owe him the time of day.
While it wasn’t the gem I was looking for, I was itching to get him to crack just
a little and not pull off his quick responses so easily. On the first day he started
walking home with us again, I spotted Beth walking by herself. A plain girl without
any of her friends around, she was the perfect target.

“Hey, Beth?” She turned and eyed me
suspiciously. “My buddy Saint Ricky here wants to fuck you.”

“What? Hey! That’s not true,” Rick stammered
out quickly, then, noticing Beth’s hurt expression, he said, “I mean, it’s not…”
Then he pulled his quick recovery shit and shut up. I was going to have to push
him.

“Well, hell, if he won’t, I will. Why
don’t you come over later and I’ll fuck ya.”

She rolled her eyes, turned her back
on me and kept walking. Normally, I wouldn’t let her get away with this, but my
target was Rick, not Beth. Everyone was laughing.

“Seriously, Kevin, have some respect,”
he spat at me just as I’d hoped. I’d found one of his buttons. It seemed Rick was
a bit of a gentleman. A soft heart would be easy to exploit.

“What exactly is respect, Saint Ricky?”
I slipped into a very calm place in my mind and carefully weighed every word I spoke.
This was his first big lesson, and I had to leave an impression. “Because, the way
you are talking to me is not very respectful.”

“Seriously, what’s your problem?”

“Well, look who has grown some balls,”
I said as I walked towards him.

“Listen, no disrespect. I don’t want
any problems, but come on, you shouldn’t talk to her like that.” I heard a collective
deep breath taken by the guys. They knew what was coming. They had all witnessed
it before.

“Well, look who is quite the gentleman,”
I said, advancing on him, and for a brief second I saw a shadow of fear cross his
face. He was good at hiding his shit.

“Okay, I’m sorry. It’s just, well, she’s
a girl.”

“And you think that makes it okay to
disrespect me?” I took a few more steps forward, and he backed up.

“Listen, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything
by it.” His sense of self-preservation was spot on. His instinct told him he was
in trouble, and he was listening and trying to get out of it. Well played.

“I know you did not mean anything by
it,” I smiled, “but…” I slammed my shoulder against his chest and shoved him. A
second later, I slammed my fist against his jaw and watched his eyes haze over.
I tightened my fingers around his throat and my voice came calm and low, just loud
enough for everyone to hear. “But,” I paused for effect, “I do not appreciate being
told when I should and should not say something. Got it?” He failed to respond quickly
enough and my fingers tightened around his throat. “Got it, Saint Ricky?” He nodded
the best he could. He’d submitted nicely and I could reward him. Like a fucking
animal, punish when being a shit but reward to encourage good behavior.

“We’re headed to Zarahemla now. Let’s
go.” He was officially initiated.

Rick

He scared me. I knew he’d lash out if
pushed, but I thought he’d just be a bigger jerk. I didn’t expect him to actually
hit me. Then to turn around and invite me to go with them to Zarahemla after school,
I didn’t know what to think. I’d gone, of course. Completely off balance and confused,
I hadn’t thought twice about drinking the alcohol he’d offered.

From that moment forward, I knew he
was not to be crossed. The look in his eyes when he had wrapped his fingers around
my neck—that look was not a teenage punk being a jerk. That was controlled, malicious,
and downright evil. He’d sent a very loud and clear message to me. Want the perks
of being friends with Kevin? You deal with Kevin.

The days that followed were not easy.
Crossing him was not a good idea, and because of that, I couldn’t help wanting to.
The part of me with a death wish insisted that I push back.

When he allowed us into his bedroom
after school one day—one of eight bedrooms in his massive house—I looked around,
speechless. I didn’t know what I’d expected. I guess I’d expected crumpled jeans
tossed in the corner, dirty plates on his nightstand, sheets falling off his bed
and, in general, things in a mess, but his room was immaculate. I almost feared
walking in. The thought of him shoving me against the wall if I touched something
nearly stopped me in my tracks. I gauged the actions of the others and tried to
do what they did. It didn’t surprise me that they acted almost with reverence. None
of them sat or touched anything; they all just stood around talking. I noticed Kevin
hesitate just a second before opening his closet doors, then busy himself hanging
his jacket. He glanced subtly behind him, and I noted the corners of his mouth pulling
into a pleased smirk.

“Hey guys, relax. Sit,” he said abruptly
with a smile. It wasn’t so much a gesture of manners as a command. He tossed Jeremy
a bag of what looked like weed before cracking several windows and lighting some
incense. My stomach clenched. How was I going to get out of this one? Cigarettes
and booze were one thing, but drugs were a whole other story.

“You up for this, Saint Ricky?” Kevin
asked, and I knew immediately that this was another test.

“Sure, it’s not like it’s my first time.”
I lied, instantly regretting it. He wasn’t stupid.

“Sure it’s not,” Mike snickered.

“Whatever, fool.” I glared at him.

“Well, in that case, would you like
to do the honors?” Kevin tossed me a pack of small papers, like I had any idea what
to do with them.

“Don’t ya have a pipe?” I asked, figuring
it would be easier to put some in a pipe than roll a joint.

Kevin smiled. He didn’t move, just nicely
said, “Of course, I do. But what’s wrong with a joint?” It was always a battle with
him.

“Well, I prefer a pipe, that’s all.”
My mind reeled with ways to figure out what to do with a pipe. I didn’t think it
could be that hard. I was sure I could figure out how to use one. It had to be easier
than rolling a joint. Kevin sat for an instant longer before going back to his closet.
He located his pipe, strolled casually back and handed it to me.

“Well, isn’t that your luck? It’s already
loaded. Go ahead and do the honors. Take the first hit.” He smiled at me. He knew
I had no idea how to light or smoke a pipe. And he was going to make sure everyone
else knew it. The guys watched me with curiosity. After several moments Jeremy spoke
up.

“Come on, if you’re not going to hit
it, let me,” he said, reaching for the pipe.

“Jeremy,” Kevin snapped, and he stopped
instantly. I’d seen this done in the movies and I thought it couldn't be that hard.
I put the pipe up to my lips and held the flame to the weed. As the dry, harsh smoke
assaulted my lungs they immediately began to burn, and I started to cough. Remembering
what I’d seen in movies, I strangled the coughs in my throat and did my best to
hang on to any smoke that was left. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I met Kevin’s
stare and, with controlled effort, blew the smoke in his direction. It was a challenge.
Go ahead
, I mentally dared him.
Try to convince yourself I’m not for real.
He narrowed his eyes questioningly and then smiled at me.