Violence Begets... (6 page)

“I need a drink.” He reached in his
bag and handed me a flask.
Well, that was easy,
I thought.
Should I ask
for a million bucks next?

“Did he come back last night?”

“Yeah, came to my room and apologized.”
I twisted the cap off.

“What the fuck?”

“Yeah, I know.” I took a swig and winced
as the alcohol stung the open cuts in my mouth.

“Whiskey, it’s a bitch going down but
it’ll help with the pain,” he said, taking the bottle back and helping himself to
several swallows like he was drinking a glass of water.

“What about stepmom and sister? Any
more run-ins?”

“Yeah, ran into Sylvia this morning.
She assumed I got in a fight.”

“Let her.”

“Huh?”

“Let her assume that. It’s our story
right?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“So, you feel like going to school today?”

“Not so much.”

“Wanna hang at my house? My father’s
at work.”

I hesitated. This was Kevin; he was
crazy. I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to spend the day alone with him. He obviously
picked up on my reservations.

“I promise I won’t bite.”

Kevin

What the fuck was I doing? This was
so not how I played my game. He’d gotten his ass kicked by his dad. So what? I should
feel sorry for him? Well, I told myself, it was another thing I could use to break
him. It would be a low blow, but I didn’t get where I was by showing mercy. I also
didn’t get where I was by lying to myself. I felt sorry for the fucker, and I had
to fucking stop if I was going to stay on top of his shit.

I had invited him over so I had time
to deal with whatever it was that was fucking up my focus. If I got him alone, maybe
I could figure out what was driving him. I needed to get a handle on shit before
it was too late.

We didn’t talk anymore about what had
happened to him. We sat and watched TV. Well, he watched TV, and I watched him.
I didn’t like feeling sorry for anyone. Feeling anything, other than in control,
was not a safe place for me to be. Fucking irritation bit at my nerves, but I didn’t
let him see it. I had to figure out what was driving him so I could manage it.

“I need another fucking drink. Want
one?”

“Yeah, why not? Helps with the pain,
right?"

“Yes, so do these,” I said returning
with a beer and a few pain pills.

“What are those?” he asked.

“Lortabs. They’ll knock you on your
ass, but you won’t feel shit once they kick in.”

“Are they safe to be mixing with alcohol?”

“You seriously just asked me that?”
I shot back, cracking a thin smile. “Take ‘em,” I said, sitting back down on the
couch.

“Are you going to take any?”

“Already did,” I said, focusing on the
TV.

I glanced over and watched as he rolled
the pills around in his hand for a few seconds, took a swig of beer, dropped the
pills in his mouth, swallowed, and chased them down with more beer. I smiled to
myself. They would help, but one pill would’ve been sufficient. Two, mixed with
the booze, would literally knock him on his ass. I knew I had a short window between
the pills kicking in and him passing out, so I waited about twenty minutes before
I started with the questions.

“So, Jessica. You guys totally got it
on the other night.”

“Yeah, she’s pretty hot,” he said, and
I could tell he was definitely faded.

“Did you have a girl before you moved
here?”

“Nah, nothin’ like her.”

“What ‘bout friends? Stay in touch with
any of ‘em?”

“Not so much.”

My plan was turning out to be harder
than I thought. Once people started to fade they usually loved to talk about themselves,
not these short, dead-end answers he was giving me.

“Did you like your old school?”

“It was school.”

“Why’d you move here?”

“Sylvia got a new job.”

“Is your real mom in the picture?”

“Nah.”

“Where is she?”

“Not around.” Well, that was something
we had in common. “So, what set your dad off last night?”

He hesitated before responding. “He’s
a jerk.”

Fuck! He wasn’t going to make things
easy. “You said this was the first time he…lost it?”

“Yeah. Why all the interest in me, Kevin?
Wanna date?” he laughed. The pills had certainly loosened him up, too much.

“Shut the fuck up,” I snapped at him,
and he glanced worriedly at me.

“Sorry, man,” he mumbled, and I knew
my window had closed. Within ten minutes he was passed clean out on my couch. My
plan to invite him over to figure him out had been a colossal waste of time.

Rick

My dad didn’t come near me again for
a while. He fixed the Christmas tree and even added some additional presents under
it for me. He acted like it had never happened, but it was there, the unspoken words
of what he’d done. The bruises on my face, the ache in my ribs, they made me hate
him even more.

Christmas day actually went surprisingly
well. I think dad and Sylvia were on their best behavior for Emma. It almost felt
like it had before the accident; however, in this new life of mine, easy didn’t
last. On New Year’s Day he struck again. I had worked up the nerve to ask him about
the guitar Jason had given me, while Sylvia and Emma had gone to exchange some Christmas
presents. I should’ve known better. This time I tripped over a chair in the kitchen
as I tried to get away from him. I crashed into the corner of the counter and it
caught me right above my left ear. We both found out that head wounds bleed a lot,
enough to make him back off. It became routine that he expected me to clean up the
evidence of our fights so Emma and Sylvia wouldn’t find out.

I flinched more when he was around and
that irritated him. One time he actually asked me if he should just hit me and get
it over with.

He apologized every time. He usually
thought I was asleep, though I never was. Apology or not, I couldn’t help feeling
that I deserved what he was doing.

Emma certainly picked up on the tension
between us, and I caught her watching us cautiously more than once. Sylvia pulled
me aside several times, advising me in her cool tone that my dad was having a hard
time adjusting to his new job, and that I should try harder to do what he asked
of me.

Kevin had tried several times to find
out what had sent my dad over the edge, but I wasn’t about to give anything to him.
He wasn’t much of a threat anymore. He could hit me if he wanted; I couldn’t imagine
it being worse than what my dad was doing. But he watched me, waiting for me to
slip up.

 On the nights Kevin didn’t have plans
for us, I found myself avoiding my house by spending time at Jessica’s. Things were
moving quickly on the physical playground with her, and I wasn’t complaining. She
was completely out of my league. Anyone with two eyes could see that. But it was
more than the making out. We’d stay up late watching old Quentin Tarantino flicks
and eating sunflower seeds. Our conversation never seemed to get stale.

But Kevin wouldn’t allow too much of
a good thing. And while I wasn’t as scared of him, he still held my popularity in
his hands. I had the feeling he could crush any social life I had if I pushed back
too much. And I had to admit, any excuse to get away from my dad was a welcome one.
Sometimes I felt bad about not spending more time with Emma, but I knew dad and
Sylvia paid her enough attention to fill in for my absence. When it came down to
it, things were probably better for her when I wasn’t at home upsetting my dad.

Zarahemla, while insanely cold during
the winter, offered shelter from the wind and my dad’s rage, so I never turned down
an invitation to join the guys. Thankfully, a makeshift fire and some serious alcohol
kept us warm as we huddled close to the flame.

Kevin

The way he held his own with the guys
surprised me. Now that I knew about his dad, I’d begun to realize just how smart
he really was. If I hadn’t stumbled on to what was going on, I was pretty sure I’d
have no clue. This pissed me off. I was usually really fucking good at picking up
on things I could use against people, but he hid shit so well that it was just dumb
luck I knew what I knew. Luck was bullshit and unpredictable. When I pushed, he
pushed back. But he had an uncanny sense to know when he should and shouldn’t test
me.

I didn’t like how he was able to cover
and improvise on the spot either. I felt something close to admiration for it, but
it still irritated the fuck out of me. It wasn’t easy keeping things buried so others
wouldn’t figure out who you were. I should know. I was surprised to see someone
else keeping things so close. Most people wanted to bare their hearts, and this
was good because it helped me figure out weaknesses easier. But Rick, he never spilled
what was going on in his life.

What surprised me most was his ability
to manipulate the situation around him. I was sure he had no idea what he was doing.
It was an instinctual talent that I envied. I had to work hard at my manipulations.
I was so careful, and it was like he was playing fast and loose with his talent.
There were so many times I just wanted to punch him, but then he’d say something
that would bring me up short, or flatout surprise me and the moment would be lost.

Rick

One night
as
we walked home from Zarahemla the knot in my stomach grew with intensity. Something
was not right.

“Night, guys,” I said as we approached
my house. I hoped they couldn’t hear the panic that was rising in my voice. I caught
Kevin watching me, and it made me even more nervous. What was he thinking? Did he
know I was scared? Was I scared to go home or scared of him? I felt I couldn’t hide
much from him. He nodded slightly towards me, then turned and walked away with the
group.

As I approached the side of the house
I noticed a light on inside. I stopped, frozen, not sure what to do.
Had I left
the light on? Had he woken up?
I knew immediately that I didn’t want to find
out, at least not right at that moment. Zarahemla would have to do.

Once there, I found the water bottle
filled with alcohol and took several swigs. It burned going down, threatening to
come back up. I coughed for a moment, then took another swig, my throat still burning.
I still didn’t know how they stomached this concoction so easily, but if I was going
to be busted, then I was going to be numb when it happened. Hopefully I wouldn’t
remember most of the confrontation, and I for sure didn’t want to feel the pain
that would go with it. The thing that bothered me most was being unsure if I’d be
able to keep quiet enough to not wake Emma. It killed me to think of her finding
out what our dad was capable of. He loved her, even if he didn’t love me. I couldn’t
take her hero away from her.

The more I drank in the silence of my
solitude, the closer my unguarded thoughts of Jason haunted me with their intensity.

“Now push in the clutch and shift into
second,” he said. The car made an awful grinding noise and stalled out. He started
to laugh, “You almost got it buddy.”

I hit the steering wheel with the palms
of my hands in frustration. “Why can’t I get this?”

“You’re doing better than I did my first
time. Be patient. Try again.”

“I’m never going to get it,” I said,
frustrated.

“Don’t you talk like that. No brother
of mine talks like that. Now try it again,” he said more sternly.

I worked the clutch with my left foot
and the gas with my right, slowly starting the car. It rolled for a moment. Then
I attempted to downshift it into second, concentrating on letting the clutch out
and pushing the gas in. The car jerked a little but kept going.

“Wahoo!” I sang out.

“Good, good! Now try to get it into
third,” he said excitedly.

With a few more jerks the car lurched
forward but didn’t stall out.

“Look Jas, I’m driving! Look, I can
do it!”

“Look at you, fourteen and already driving.
Dad didn’t teach me until I was almost sixteen. You’ll be giving Emma rides in no
time. See, all you have to do is believe in yourself and you can do anything.” He
started to laugh with excitement as he patted me on the back. “Way to go little
bro…”

“I figured I’d find you here.” A voice
cut into my memories, and I startled with surprise to see Kevin walking in. I turned
away from him and roughly wiped the tears from my face.

“Why are you here? Did you forget something?”
I said, pretending I was busy picking something up off the ground so he couldn’t
see my face.

“Nope, I figured you’d be here.” I glanced
up at him and he smirked, obviously noticing my tears.

“And?”

“And, I didn’t want to go home either.
What’s it to you?” He sat heavily in his spot and pulled out a pack of smokes. “Do
you have a problem with me being here?”

“Guess not,” I said, backing down.

“Here, you want one?” he said, offering
the smokes.

“Sure.” As I reached for the cigarette
I nearly fell off the log I was sitting on. I hadn’t realized just how much I’d
had to drink.

“You had a few too many?” Kevin mocked.

“I’m fine,” I said, lighting up. We
both took a few drags, and I was left wondering what he wanted. I didn’t know if
I’d ever get used to being alone with him; it always seemed to be so tense.

“So why’d you guys move here?” he finally
said. I glanced at him uneasily. I thought we’d been over this.

“Sylvia’s job,” I replied simply.

“And?” he asked raising his eyebrows
slightly. He was pushing and I knew I’d have to give him more than the line about
Sylvia’s job at the hospital. There were several moments of silence. I hoped he’d
give up and change the subject, but I shouldn’t have been surprised when he didn’t.
For whatever reason, he had decided he wanted to know, which meant I was going to
have to tell him something. I couldn’t bear the thought of telling him about Jason.

“My mom’s dead,” I finally said. This
had nothing to do with why we had moved, but I had to give him something. I took
another swig of alcohol and took a few drags of the smoke. He was waiting for me
to go on. “She died when I was born.” I was surprised when tears came to my eyes.
I didn’t often cry for her; it had been so long ago. I took several deep breaths
and focused in on a broken two-by-four at my feet. “We moved here because of Sylvia
but also to get out of California. There were a lot of memories in our house, and
Sylvia didn’t love competing with a dead woman for my dad’s affection.” I tried
not to look at him, afraid he’d see I was lying. But hopefully the small truth about
leaving town because of the memories of a dead loved one would hold true enough
for him to buy it. I kept my focus on the broken board. He waited quietly. “She’s
dead because of me,” I added, an additional truth. I had the blood of two family
members on my hands. No wonder my dad hated me. I hated myself. There it was. He
knew about one death, the only one he’d ever know about. He could do with it whatever
he wanted.

“That sucks,” he said gently.

I couldn’t help but look at him. I searched
for a sign of sarcasm or mockery in his face, but he either hid it well or it wasn’t
there. After several moments he reached for the bottle of alcohol.

“My mom’s not around either.”

“Really? Where is she?”

“Not important.” He took several swigs.
“So, does anyone have any idea yet what your dad’s doing to you?”

“No. God no! Just you. Not sure how
long I’ll be able to keep it from Emma, though.” He nodded his head. It made me
even more uneasy as the time passed and he didn’t say anything mean or condescending.

“So what’s going on with you and Kari?”
I asked, trying to change the subject. He smiled, knowing exactly what I was doing.
He let the fact that he was aware of it linger before moving on. Finally accepting
the change in conversation, he laughed and became once again the Kevin I was more
accustomed to with.

“She’s hot, a good fuck. What else is
there to say? You tapped Jessica yet?” he asked with an arrogant smile.

“On my way.” I said, trying to give
him what he wanted to hear.

The conversation moved away from Jessica
and stayed light and easy the rest of the night. The more alcohol we drank the more
relaxed I was. We must have polished off an entire pack of smokes at the rate we
were smoking.

By the time I got home that night, the
beating that awaited me seemed surreal and dreamlike. Within moments of stumbling
through the front door—too drunk to climb the tree outside my window—my dad’s hand
clamped around my mouth, forcing my silence, and the TV in the front room covered
the noise of his furiously whispered warning for quiet. He had obviously planned
my punishment for sneaking out. He dragged me to the basement, closing several doors
along the way to minimize any noise I might make.

As the blows rained down, I focused
in on the fact that Emma had been spared the truth one more time.