Volition (16 page)

It’s not until I’m in the elevator that it dawns on me to look inside. I bend back the front cover and look at the title page.

Hayden had it signed.

I think I’m going to pass out in the middle of Catherine’s hallway.

You’re next.

I hope she means I’m the next Evanna Wyatt because that’s what I want to think it means.

She knows that I write.

This is unreal.

I drop to the floor in front of Catherine’s door and begin to read.

Several hours later, I’m sure the sun is up, but I have no clue since I can’t see the outside world in this stuffy hallway. I shut the book and smile as I reach up to unlock the door. Catherine’s just getting out of bed, and the sun is shining high.

I set the book down on the windowsill, curl up in her bed, and go to sleep for the night. Before I do, I send a text to his phone.

Rockefeller perk?

Hayden:
Rockefeller perk.

Somehow, I know this won’t be the last one I get to enjoy.

Then

EVANNA WYATT TORE my heart out. She ripped it straight out of my chest and threw it on the floor, and then she stomped on the bloody mess. As if that wasn’t good enough, she shoved it back in there and made me live with myself. Then, I had to walk around like that in the company of people who didn’t understand.

“Tate, what’s wrong with you? You look sick. Are you sick?” Kara was too close to my face.

I was still under the drug-like influence of Evanna, so I thought about all the ways I could kill Kara.

“Tate, do you have that book review article done yet?” She got even closer.

“Ants,” I mumbled to myself.

“Ants?”

“Ants.”

“Um, okay, well, if you could have that to me by the end of the day, that would be great.”

She was telling
me
what to do? I was the editor-in-chief.

Ants.

I swiveled my computer chair around and bought an ant farm on the Internet. I balked at my shipping options but ten business days would have to do.

“Tate?”

My eyes rolled in their sockets of their own accord. “Jasmine?”

“Um, hi. I was just wondering if maybe you could come with me to get my cotillion dress fitted? Your sister texted me and said you were free today after school.”

How the hell did Cece know when I was free?

Jasmine was being too nice. She had something up her sleeve.

All I wanted to do was drown in Evanna’s words.

Maybe I would. Maybe I’d buy a thousand copies, tear all the pages out, and smother myself in them. Then, someone could Mod Podge her words in my casket, too. Maybe Jasmine would be up for the task.

“Fine,” I told her because I knew it was best to keep my enemies close. “But you’re driving.”

As I walked out of the room to find Colin, Jesse made no effort to hide the fact that he was watching my every step.

You’re driving.

Now

I HAVEN’T SLEPT.

At all.

I’m curled up, facing the window, as the sunlight streams in and keeps me awake because it’s daytime.

Catherine is creeping around her room in an attempt to not to wake me up, so I finally roll over and inform her that I’m not asleep.

“Damn you,” she says, slamming her coffee mug down on her tiny countertop. “I’ve been trying so hard.”

I shrug.

“How was Evanna?”

“How did you know?”

She throws the book at my face.

My bookmark falls out, and she picks it up.

“Tate, what is this?” Her voice has an edge to it, and it makes me squirm.

“An ultrasound.”

“Tate,” she repeats more seriously and adds a pause. “Whose ultrasound is this?”

I smile to myself, but she can’t see it. She thinks it’s mine, and I think that’s hilarious because she knows I’m not a child person.

She’s not a child person—or a pet person. She should know it’s not mine, but I let her wallow for a bit longer because I find it entertaining.

“Some unfortunate girl from the subway,” I say finally, putting her out of her misery. “She dropped it last night. It’s just a bookmark.”

“You are so sadistic.”

“I know.”

“I love it.”

“I know.”

“Evanna ripped my heart out,” I say, finally answering her question.

“What’s new?”

“I expect it, but she manages to do it every time. She’s the female Stephen King.”

She sips her coffee. “No,
you’re
the female Stephen King.”

“Maybe someday.”

“No, now.”

“Okay.” I accept it because I don’t know how to argue with her, and I haven’t slept. I’m a zombie.

I would say silence passes between us, but it doesn’t. This is New York City.

“So, what is happening with you and Hayden?” She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively, and I want to throw Evanna back at her.

“Nothing.”

I pull her comforter up to my face. I’m lying. There is something. To say there’s nothing is like ignoring the fact that a fire crackles and emits heat. That’s what we do. We crackle. We pop. I never crackled and popped with Jesse.

I hate Jesse.

But I don’t.

But I do.

So, so much.

Catherine feels the tension because she knows I’ve gone dark while thinking about him.

“So,” she says, palpably trying to change the subject. “Apartment-hunting today?”

“Don’t you have to work on your thesis?” I know she’s busy, and I don’t want to bother her.

“I do, but I might be able to sneak out and help you for an hour or so.”

“I’ll be fine. I’ll text you pictures. I’ll bring Colin or something.”

She finishes her coffee and puts the green mug into her tiny sink. “Colin had to go back to Atlanta. He didn’t tell you?”

She acts surprised, but I’m not. Colin is just as bad as me. He works at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention because, somehow, he is a health-care genius at the age of twenty-three.

She glances at her watch and goes to fluff her hair in front of the mirror.

“Here I go.”

“Here you go.”

“Good luck today! Send me pictures. Don’t kill anyone.”

“I’ll try not to.”

We don’t say, “I love you.” We say, “Don’t kill anyone.”

She picks up her purse and leaves me in her room, cocooned up in her comforter like I’m five. For a brief moment, I wonder if the comforter would break my fall if I jumped out of this window. It’s five stories. Probably not. I’d be a jellyfish.

My phone beeps.

Buzz me up. - H.

He knows I can’t
buzz
him up. What does he think this is? He knows I have to come down
.

I roll out of bed and shove myself together as I quickly change into a fresh set of clothes. I take thirty seconds to brush my teeth and braid my hair to the side. There’s still mascara caked on my lashes from last night, and I don’t bother with foundation because it’s going to melt off anyway.

I don’t care because I don’t care what Hayden thinks of me.

When am I going to stop lying to myself?

When am I going to get a job?

When am I going to find a place to live?

I shove the key into my pocket, pull on my sunglasses while I’m still inside, and walk down the five flights of stairs to meet Hayden.

He’s fighting with Majumdar in the lobby, and I want to shrink into oblivion.

“It’s okay,” I tell Majumdar. “He’s my guest.”

“Guests cannot have guests,” he says matter-of-factly.

I think that if he could, he’d physically shove those words down my throat.

It’s not like I’ve ever had a guest before, so I’m not sure why he’s acting this way. Secretly, I think it’s because he recognizes Hayden, and he makes Majumdar nervous. Hayden makes everyone nervous. We haven’t even greeted one another yet, and my palms are already sweaty inside the air-conditioned lobby.

Hayden.

It’s strange. I don’t feel grappling hooks in my stomach when I’m around Hayden like I did with Jesse, but I’m not entirely numb either.

I feel something.

That’s new.

I don’t hate it.

At all.

Majumdar isn’t going to let him come up, and to be honest, I don’t want him to come up either.

“Let’s just go,” I tell him. I tug on his arm.

He’s wearing a T-shirt and jeans again, which doesn’t seem right. I have yet to see him playing the part of an imperialist.

I want to see this side of Hayden.

“Don’t you have a job?”

He laughs, and it’s beautiful.

“Luckily, my job is flexible. Catherine says you’re house-hunting today.”

Catherine.

“I wouldn’t exactly use the term
house
. I think
cardboard box
is more appropriate.”

“Oh,” he says more quickly than I expect, “I saw one outside. Do you want me to grab it for you?”

He makes jokes. Hades help me.

Speaking of Hades, Hayden is now gesturing for me to go through the revolving door, and I don’t want what’s on the other side of that. Why did I move to New York City in the middle of summer? Whose idea was this?

I stop on the other side and abruptly stand in the middle of the sidewalk.

Hayden follows me. “What are we doing?”

“I need to go to the bank.”

I text Colin.

If you ever put a cigarette out on my floor again, you’re dead.

He responds almost immediately, and I start to wonder what he really does at the CDC if he can text me back this fast and take so much time off of work to be here with Catherine.

Colin:
You’re buying the clock tower apartment?

Yes. I need a massive loan.

Now

MEGAN MIRANDA, THE realtor, is more than happy to help me buy the clock tower apartment. It turns out that my legacy as a Hale still secures me an enormous line of credit even if it won’t provide me with the money I would have had in my trust fund.

Hayden waits patiently with me at the bank, which might also have something to do with it. I can’t see any banker rejecting a loan when a Rockefeller is sitting across the desk.