Volition (33 page)

“Get up, asshole.”

I threw a pillow at Colin to wake him where he was indeed lounging in my bed.

He opened his eyes lazily.

“Your bed is unreal. It’s a shame I’m not in love with you.”

I rolled my eyes at him and sat down on the end of the bed as he sat up with a groan.

“You slept here.”

“I was drunk. You promised me you’d kill me if I drove drunk again, and I wasn’t about to go cozy up with Lara, now was I?”

I put my head in my hands. Everything felt wrong. I couldn’t even look at myself because I was wearing his clothes, so I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Are you ever afraid no one is going to fall in love with you?” I asked him.

“That’s a stupid fear. I love you.”

“But you’re not in love with me.”

“No, that’s a different kind of love, love.”

“Exactly. So, what if I’m not worthy of being in love with someone? What if I don’t get that in this lifetime?”

“Lots of people don’t,” he said as he shrugged.

“Thanks, Colin.”

I looked up at him to make a point that he wasn’t helping.

“I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you.”

I took in a breath, held it, and let it out as if I could expel every fear I’d ever had along with the air.

“I want to be in love. I want all-consuming, fiery, passionate love.”

“You’ll have that, Tate.”

He put an arm over my back and pulled me close.

“You promise?”

“No,” he said all too honestly.

It was then that he realized what I was wearing.

“Whose clothes are these? Where were you last night?”

I pursed my lips, unsure of how to explain. Before I could try, my door opened abruptly. Lara was standing in the doorway, fully dressed and looking like she just came from the Kentucky Derby.

“You’re a whore,” she said without hesitation and continued down the hall.

She, along with everyone else in the world, thought I was sleeping with Colin.

“Jesse,” I said finally.

“You were at his house?” Colin looked at me incredulously.

I nodded.

“I slept in his bed.”

“With him?”

“No. He slept on the floor.”

Colin scoffed.

“And you say no one’s in love with you.”

Now

HAYDEN’S ON THE phone with Emmett, apologizing for the fact that we missed the rehearsal dinner. I want him to book a hotel, but he won’t let me. He says I need to be there for my sister the night before she gets married. I know weddings are sacred to Hayden because of his brother, so I don’t argue.

We sat in the back of the car, kissing for hours like teenagers, and I loved every second of it. He has lipstick all over his collar, and I’m trying to wipe it off his face, but it’s not working. Everyone’s going to know what just happened. They’ll probably assume worse, but I don’t care.

Apparently, neither does Hayden.

It’s dark by the time we pull into the drive, and only one attendant steps out from underneath the porch to take the keys from Hayden as we exit the car.

I can see the remnants of dinner being cleaned up on the side lawn, and there are still fairy lights hanging from the giant trees. My stomach rumbles, but I don’t want to be seen. I just want to go straight upstairs with Hayden.

I pull him by the hand up the steps and out of sight until we’re in the house. I start to walk up the main staircase when I hear voices overhead.

Lara.

If I see her, I’m leaving.

I change directions and head toward the side of the house where the maids live because I realize there’s something long forgotten that I can use to my advantage right now.

We’re running now because I feel like a child trying not to get caught. I whisk him around the corner and into the old metal box that hasn’t been used for half a century. I pull the chain links down and push the button that will take us to the third floor.

Then, I’m kissing him again because I couldn’t stop if I wanted to.

Hayden’s it.

I was never attracted to Jesse the way I wished I were, but I didn’t know I was saving it all for Hayden.

“I’m on fire,” I tell him in between breaths.

He starts pulling at the zipper on the back of my dress, but it only comes down an inch.

“I’ve been on fire ever since I saw you on that plane,” he says without a moment’s hesitation. “Maybe even since I saw you in Catherine’s ethics class.”

I don’t respond, and he stops kissing my neck.

“Why are you on fire, Tate? Is it for me or just because you want someone?”

I know he’s asking me now because he needs to know. Even though we talked about it in the car, Jesse’s going to be an issue until he’s dead, or we are. I can see that now.

“Do you just want someone? Do you want him? Or do you want me? Because I don’t want anyone but you.”

The concern in those lightsaber green eyes breaks my heart. I know he loves me even though he hasn’t said it. He wouldn’t be so hung up on it if he didn’t.

One.

Two.

Three.

“You,” I breathe.

“Again,” he says just because he wants to hear it.

“You. I want
you
.”

And that’s it. I let go, and Hayden fills my senses and my soul.

We stumble out of the service elevator and down the hall into my old room. There isn’t another room for Hayden to sleep in because I’m sure Lara knows I wouldn’t sleep here without him. Only in her mind, I’m awful for it.

I throw his jacket on the back of one of my chairs while he unzips my dress the rest of the way. It falls to the floor, and he picks me up.

“Oh my God!” Cece walks in through my partially opened door.

I look back at Hayden whose shirt is half unbuttoned, and his hair is a mess. By the look on her face, she and Emmett have never slept in the same room, let alone the same bed.

Hayden releases me, and I turn to face my sister. She’s seen me in my underwear before, so I’m not overly concerned even if it is a little bit racier, and I’m sporting a little bit more ink than I was when we were younger.

“I’m so sorry,” she says over and over, backing out of the room with her eyes averted.

I grab Hayden’s suit jacket from the chair and put it on before following my sister into the hall.

“Cece,” I say, waiting to hear what she needs.

“Tate, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” she says, like she walked in on something much more intimate instead of what she saw.

“It’s fine. What’s wrong?”

I can tell she’s been crying because her eyes are red, and faint mascara streaks are on her cheeks. She doesn’t wear much makeup because she’s naturally beautiful, or I’m sure it would be more noticeable.

We sink to the floor outside my room, and she starts crying again.

“I’m afraid. I’m so afraid.”

“Why?”

She gulps and looks at me like I’m the older sister instead of her.

“What if it’s terrible?”

I squint one of my eyes because it’s an ambiguous statement.

“What part?”

“All of it. Marriage. What if I end up hating him?”

I don’t know the details on Cece’s life because I don’t talk to her that much, but I try to say what Catherine would say to me in this situation.

“Do you love him?”

“Yes.” She sniffles.

“Does he love you?”

“Yes.”

I push a lock of her hair back over her shoulder.

“Then, that’s all you really need, right?”

Another sniffle.

“I guess so.”

I pull her in close and kiss her on the cheek.

“Tate?” She clutches Hayden’s jacket, like she’s afraid I’m going to leave.

I look at her expectantly.

“I was going to ask you before, but I couldn’t. Will you be my maid of honor?”

“You don’t have one already?”

“No, I do. But I want it to be you instead. I had an extra dress made for you.”

I don’t know how to refuse a bride a few hours before she walks down the aisle, so I agree. I walk her back to her room, hoping we don’t pass Lara because I’m still wearing only Hayden’s suit jacket over a black lingerie set.

“I’ll see you in the morning,” I tell her as I start to shut her bedroom door.

“Good night, Tate,” she says.

I wonder who this creature is because I’ve never seen her inside of my sister a day in our lives.

“Good night, Cece.”

I walk back up to my room where I find Hayden sitting on my bed, looking through my bookshelf. There are several of my old journals on the bed, and I know he’s flipped through them. He might as well have. He already knows how dark I am.

I rub my left ring finger because it still hurts sometimes. I told Colin I should have had it set, but he convinced me it was only a sprain. It aches for no reason at all when I least expect it, and it’s throbbing now.

“What are you doing?”

I laugh a little because I feel like I should be asking him that question. I stand there and look at him for longer than I should. He’s beyond beautiful. He’s completely ruffled, and it’s all no one’s fault but mine.

I sit on the bed next to him while I breathe this in. I love this—just being with him. He feels like an extension of me, so it’s almost like being alone with myself but better.

He takes off his shirt and drapes it over the desk chair on his side of the bed. As he leans over, I see one scratch peeking out on his shoulder, and I think he’s going to have scars on his back forever. It gives me too much sadistic satisfaction in an I-was-here kind of way.

“Were those ever there before me?”

He laughs a little.

“No.”

He takes his suit jacket off of me.

I let him do it because he’s mesmerizing. Whenever I look at him, it’s that kind of desire that has me biting my tongue and my finger, and my eyes roll back in my head because I can’t do anything else. I’ve wanted that for I don’t know how long. I just never thought I’d get it. It’s even better because I can tell he feels the same way about me.

He gently pushes on one of my shoulders with his hand, so I’m pressed back against the sheets. He kisses my collarbone, takes my hand, and twines our fingers together, and we just exist together in my bed.

“I could use this tonight,” I tell him as I breathe deeply. “Well, every night. But especially tonight.”

“I don’t ever want to sleep without you,” he tells me, his voice soft.

“I love you,” I whisper as I turn over to face him.

His fingers flex in mine, and the most genuine smile I’ve ever seen appears on his face.

I said it first. I thought I’d never say it first, but I just did. I’m not sure if I’m Old Tate or New Tate or any Tate at all.

“I love
you
,” he says back, like he knows I hate the word
too
at the end. Like it means less if you’re just the one responding. “I love you so much,” he adds with a light kiss.

I think I might like it when everything is right with the world after all.

I might even love it.

Now

MY BEAUTIFUL SISTER is married.

Everything is right in the world, and she’s happy. I’m happy for her.

Lara has avoided Hayden and me so far, so I can’t complain. Now, all that’s left is for me to say good-bye to my parents, and Hayden will whisk me back off to New York.

“I need a few minutes alone with them,” I tell him as he walks me to the cemetery. “Then, I’ll introduce you.”

A normal person would think I was crazy, but Hayden isn’t exactly normal, so I think he understands. He releases my hand and lets me take my own path to speak with Maggie and Denny.

“It was beautiful,” I tell them like they can hear me. “I wish you could have been there to take her down the aisle. It was scary. I look enough like Cece that, for a moment, I felt like I was watching myself on Julian’s arm.”

I hear footsteps, but I know it’s not Hayden. I feel sick, and all the strength I’ve gained since leaving this place leaves me.

“I always thought I’d be at the other end of the aisle,” I hear Jesse say, but I don’t turn around yet. “Not him.”

My heart turns ice cold, and I hear him kick the dirt. I’m not the sister who got married today, so I’m not sure how that last statement applies.