Volition (36 page)

I’ve said that phrase so many times in my life that I’ve lost count. We’re more alike than I ever would have thought, especially since I lied to him on our first date.

I start to walk up a staircase, but Hayden stops me.

“I’m not letting you go up there. Everything is subject to collapse, and nothing is up to code anymore.”

“If it ever was,” I say under my breath as I step outside.

Vines are taking over the red brick, and I find it refreshing that nobody has cut them back or made them pretty. I love that nature reclaims all in the end. Men made this building, but she’ll take it back. It’s a reminder that everything is temporary. We’re all so very, very temporary in the grand scheme of things.

“This is what’s going to happen to the whole world when it’s over,” I say, “when humanity ends. It’s like coming back to the dead.”

“From the dead?”

“No,” I say, stepping over a tree branch. “To.”

The light is fading now, and it’s low between the trees. I can see the New York skyline in the distance, and I love that this place is just out of reach, but it’s always in sight. I’m sure most people don’t even know it’s here. They would love it or hate it if they did. We feel this way about abandoned places because it’s a glimpse of what the world is going to look like long after we’re gone.

Hayden’s phone beeps as a reminder that we’re in the modern age, but I’ve hardly looked at him since we got here because I want to take everything in.

“Tate, we have to go,” he says.

My heart hurts.

I want to stay here and explore forever.

That’s the catch about the things we love. We can hold them for a short time, but in the end, we never know how much time we’ll have.

I decide this is a metaphor for Hayden because this place and thinking of Casper remind me that nothing is permanent.

I want to spend every second of the time that I have with Hayden appreciating him, so I turn around and take his hand.

“Thank you,” I say. I reach up on my toes to kiss him. “I love this.”

He leads me back to the helicopter, and I put my head on his shoulder.

“I love this.”

When we’re back in the city, the helicopter takes us to a city-sanctioned helipad this time, so we’re not breaking any more laws.

Al picks us up and takes us to wherever we’re going for dinner.

I’m surprised when I realize it’s the sushi place where Hayden brought me after he met me at the Met while I expected him to go to the Empire State Building.

It’s the place where I lied about being allergic to shellfish.

We’re sitting at the same table, and because I know Hayden the way I do, he’s making a point of something. I just haven’t figured out what it is yet.

He orders the same thing as last time, and Meredith appears with our drinks.

I can tell she’s confused as to why we’re back because last time we were here, I walked out on him.

His phone rings, and now, it’s his turn.

His face changes when he answers, and when he shoves it back in his pocket, I know he’s going.

“There’s an emergency,” he says. His face falls. “I’ll have Al drop you off at your apartment. I’ll see you tonight?”

I nod, and he kisses me good-bye, and now, I know what it’s like to be left alone at this table.

This isn’t the first time he’s had to leave in the middle of dinner, but today, it feels worse. After North Brother Island, I wanted one interrupted half-day with him without his last name pulling him away from me.

I sulk in the car all the way back to my apartment. I text Catherine and ask if she can come over early because I don’t feel like getting ready for Hayden’s party alone.

She texts me back that she and Colin are on the way, and I sip a glass of wine to make myself feel better.

I’m not sure what I even want to dress up as tonight. Catherine offered to bring me something. I haven’t fully committed to a costume since the night Casper died, and nothing seems appealing. Are you allowed to dress up when you’re an adult? I don’t feel like an adult, but here I am, sitting and sipping wine in my clock tower apartment that has my name on the rent.

Someone knocks, and I answer the door.

“Finally,” I say to Catherine and Colin as they each hug me. “I’m dying all alone up here.”

Catherine gives me a look that says that isn’t funny, but Colin manages a laugh.

Both of them are dressed in twenties attire.

“Let me guess,” I say, “Jordan Baker and Nick Carraway.”

“Smart girl,” Colin muses. He’s hiding something.

Catherine’s nervous, and Colin is hiding something from me, but I don’t know why, so I play along, hoping one of them will fold.

“And let me guess, I’m Daisy?”

Catherine unzips the garment bag she’s holding and throws it over the back of a chair. She pulls out a white flapper dress. It’s something that could be worn out in this time period, too, and I actually like it.

“Good work,” I tell her because I’m surprised that I’m happy with it.

I hold it up against myself.

“Come on,” she says as she pulls me by the hand to my bedroom. “We have to get to work.”

Colin parks himself on my couch and turns on the TV. He waves to me as if to say good luck because tonight, Catherine is the captain of this ship.

We’ve come a long way from biting each other for the sake of our Halloween costumes.

An hour later, I’m ready to go. I’m surprised to say that I look every bit Daisy Buchanan, but the irony isn’t lost on me. Colin used to compare Jesse to James Gatz when we were younger, only tonight doesn’t include Jesse at all.

I grab my purse, and the three of us walk arm in arm to the party with me in the middle, shivering against both of them in the cold October air.

The wind has just begun to get sharp, and whenever we walk around the corner of a building, it hits us like a train until we get behind the next concrete wall.

“Are we there yet?” I whine.

Catherine tells me, “Almost.”

I’m not sure where this party is, but the two of them know, so I’m tagging along like a lost puppy. I thought it would be in a Rockefeller building, but we’re nowhere near Rockefeller Plaza or Hayden’s apartment.

We’re coming up on the Empire State Building, and I look up at the lights on top, now tinted orange and white for Halloween.

Instead of passing it, Catherine and Colin pull me through the revolving doors.

“Here?” I ask.

“Here,” Colin confirms.

“Miss McKenna,” a guard greets me with a tip of his hat.

He knows me, and I’m not sure if that’s an honor or if I’ve been here too many times.

We go up the first escalator, and Catherine’s clutching my hand. She’s afraid of heights, but I’m sure the party isn’t on the observation deck.

They load us on the elevator that will take us up—one of the seventy-three—and I’m confused as to why there aren’t any other guests. I think maybe we’re early, and then we’re going up. My ears pop as usual.

Then, we’re being ushered out by another guard who leads us through the queue level that’s meant to entertain everyone as they wait to get up to the observation deck.

We bypass security, and then they’re putting us on another elevator.

“Where are we going?”

Catherine and Colin both shrug and look at me with blank expressions on their faces, and we take this elevator up the rest of the way.

When we step out, I know something’s wrong.

There’s no one else here, and Hayden is nowhere to be seen.

I walk along the hallway first, and Catherine and Colin trail behind me.

I stop when I turn the corner where the observation deck begins.

My painting is sitting against the glass, and behind it, I can see the city sparkling beyond the deck. It’s my Pissarro painting that belongs in the Met. My two favorite things in New York are in the same place, and if that’s not a Rockefeller perk, I don’t know what is.

“What is this?” I ask.

Colin and Catherine take my arms on either side. The music playing softly over the speakers gets a little louder now, and I feel like I’m going to cry.

It’s not the song that I shared with Jesse, but it’s another Florence song that I’ve always considered to be mine and Hayden’s.

“Never Let Me Go.”

They walk me out onto deck, and the wind hits us. I wish I’d been smart enough to bring a jacket.

They let go of me, and I see Hayden standing with his back to us on the other end of the deck.

I walk to him because clearly I’m supposed to.

He turns when he hears my shoes against the concrete, and he looks better than Leo DiCaprio did as Gatsby, and that’s saying something.

He takes my hand, and I can tell he’s nervous. I’m not entirely sure what’s going on, but I have an idea. He holds out his arm, and I take it. He walks me around the deck.

“I missed my plane, you know.”

“What plane?”

“The one I was supposed to be on when I was flying back from a meeting in Charleston the day I met you. If I hadn’t missed it, I wouldn’t have rescheduled. Then, I wouldn’t have met you.”

“Funny how things like that work out,” I muse as I shiver from the wind.

He drapes his jacket around my shoulders, and I pull it around me. I’m looking down, so he tips my chin up to kiss me.

“I needed that.”

“Why?”

I don’t have time to ask what he needed it for because I can’t breathe anymore. Hayden’s not standing next to me. He’s down on one knee.

It’s like all the air that was in my body is sucked out because I know what’s happening.

“I can’t draw it out.” He laughs to himself as he pulls the box out of his pocket.

The second I see it, I know why he wanted time to talk to my parents alone when we were in Charleston.

“Tate Evaline McKenna,” he says.

I think I’m going to pass out.

“Will you marry me?”

The ring box opens, and there it is. It’s an enormous onyx stone like I’ve always wanted but never told anyone. I never wanted a white diamond.

“Yes,” I say.

Even though I know I’m in love with Hayden and he’s in love with me, I question everything because I know he’s not my soul mate.

“Yes,” I say again because I’m not sure I said it the first time since he hasn’t moved.

Then, he’s sliding the band onto my finger. I wait for it not to fit, a sign that I shouldn’t marry him, but it does. It fits perfectly because it was probably custom-made just for me.

“I love you,” he whispers in my ear and hugs me tightly.

I look at the ring on my left hand over his shoulder. It’s the finger that’s never stopped hurting, and the second that Hayden slid the ring on, it’s started to throb again.

Hayden releases me, and I’m looking into those lightsaber green eyes because he’s my future.

“Never let me go,” I whisper.

“Never let
me
go,” he says because we both know I’m a runner.

But I don’t.

I don’t run.

For once in my life, I don’t run.

One Year, Six Months Later

Now

EVERY DAY IS a struggle between what I want and what I’m obligated to do. I never wanted Hayden to become an obligation.