Volition (35 page)

I felt the railing shake again, and then he moved.

At that point, I realized it was only because Colin was forcibly pulling him off me.

“What the fuck, man?”

I caught a glimpse of Catherine over Casper’s shoulder, watching with both hands over her mouth. Several people had stopped what they were doing, too, but Casper wasn’t going to let Colin stop him. For some reason, he wanted to be much too close to me, and he didn’t realize how aggressive he was.

He narrowed his eyes and tried to get back to me.

The next few seconds happened slowly in my mind although I wasn’t sure they happened at all until I saw the aftermath.

Colin looked to me as if he was asking for approval for what he was about to do.

I nodded ever so slightly because I knew it wouldn’t go well for me if Casper was allowed to take a few steps forward. He would get to me before I could get away, and I might go over the railing.

Colin’s fist connected with Casper’s face with a hard crunch, and I wasn’t sure whose body emitted that sound. Casper fell to the floor with a thunk, and blood streamed from his nose.

I breathed a sharp sigh of relief even though Colin had just punched his best friend.

“Help me move him,” Colin said as he raked a hand back through his hair, which had fallen over his face.

Catherine scrambled to help us, and the sea of people parted as we dragged him through the hall to the nearest bathroom.

Something was starting to come out of his mouth, and it looked a lot like vomit. There was still blood streaming from his nose with no sign of stopping, and it was all over Colin and me.

“Why is he bleeding so much?” Catherine asked as Colin put Casper in the recovery position on the tile. “It’s a lot. Should we call someone?”

“I’ve seen him worse,” I told her.

His body was wrecked from years of hard drug use, but he always came out the other side when he went too far and took too much. I never thought I’d see it all catch up with him.

“He’ll be fine.”

I took a towel off the rack and wiped Casper’s nose and face. Then, I dampened it, so I could put it over his forehead.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered because I felt like I was the one who punched him instead of Colin.

It may not have been necessary, but I feared for my life for more than a few seconds, and Casper could probably stand to sleep off whatever he’d ingested.

His nose would heal, and we’d all be fine, albeit a little bloody.

“It’s okay. I’ll stay with him.”

I sank down to the floor, but neither Colin nor Catherine made a move to leave.

“I’ll be fine, I promise,” I said with a faint smile. Then, I said to Colin, “Thank you.”

“Always,” he said with a nod as he reached for Catherine’s hand.

They left the room, and I reached out to push Casper’s hair back from his forehead. I always liked that when Catherine had done that for me when I was sick on the bathroom floor.

My eyelids fluttered, the party noise around me fell away, and I couldn’t help but fall asleep.

When I woke, everything was silent.

It was eerily silent.

I looked around and remembered where I was. The first thing I noticed was that my back and my head ached because I’d passed out, sitting up on the tile floor next to Casper.

My stomach plummeted.

Casper.

The next thing I saw was him as I looked down.

There was blood all over me, the floor, and him. It was a significant amount, and more than I remembered, but that was probably because I’d had a few drinks.

This wasn’t right.

Nothing was right.

There was an empty bag with white powder remnants clinging to the plastic hanging out of his pocket. His skin was a strange color, and I didn’t have to check for a pulse to understand.

We were so stupid last night. We let him overdose, and I let him die on the floor beside me.

There wasn’t any oxygen to breathe in the air, or my body couldn’t process it. Tears started streaming down my cheeks, and although I’d seen death before, it wasn’t like this.

It wasn’t so visceral.

I staggered to my feet and out of the bathroom, sobbing as I went to find Catherine and Colin. I didn’t want to leave Casper alone, but I guessed he wouldn’t care anymore.

I found them in the second bedroom I checked.

They looked so peaceful, wrapped up in one another, and I was about to shatter their world.

So, I didn’t.

I pulled Catherine’s phone off the bed beside her because I didn’t know where mine was.

I dialed three numbers and placed the receiver to my ear.

“Nine-one-one, what’s your emergency?”

“Hi,” I said, “my friend is dead in the bathroom.”

I gave them the cross streets I could remember and then disconnected the call.

Colin was awake and looking at me now, but his arms were still around Catherine. His eyes were dark as if he was asking me if this was real.

I nodded at him before I went downstairs to wait for the ambulance.

It didn’t even have the sirens on when it arrived because there was no one here to save.

Now

HALLOWEEN IS MY favorite holiday of the year, but it carries a certain macabre nostalgia. Casper died on this day. Colin has assured me over and over that Casper would have done himself in multiple times by now if that night hadn’t happened, which I know is true, but that doesn’t help to free me from the guilt that I feel that Colin had to drag him off me.

If I had just called nine-one-one earlier, Casper might have lived. We would probably still be together if he was alive anyway, and I’d be in Charleston.

I would never have met Hayden.

I don’t want to be grateful that Casper died, but I guess I am today.

I took the afternoon off of work to spend it with Hayden because he claims to have a surprise that’s worthy of playing sick.

One of my stories is being run in the
Times
again today, so I’m not sure they’ll mind anyway.

“You’re coming tonight, right?”

Catherine has already called me twice to make sure I’ll be at the Halloween party Hayden’s hosting.

“Of course I’ll be there,” I tell her. “Where else would I be?”

“I’ll see you at seven,” she says before hanging up. She’s coming by my apartment to walk over with me.

I’m not sure why she’s so concerned, but she knows I just visited Casper’s grave after the wedding so that wound has been reopened, and I’m more volatile. Scratch that, I’m always volatile.

I get a text from Hayden, which surprises me that he’s already downstairs, waiting for me. I check it as I walk out my front door to the elevator.

Instead of pressing the ground floor, I press the roof button. I’m not sure why, but he has something up his sleeve.

Sure enough, the doors open, and I have to squint my eyes because there’s a helicopter sitting on my roof.

With my Rockefeller of a boyfriend climbing out of it.

“Ready?” he shouts over the whirring blades. He puts one hand on the small of my back.

I’m not sure what to say, so I just nod and follow him, ducking my head when I climb in. Hayden gets in behind me and hands me a headset.

“Where are we going?”

He reaches back and pulls something out of his pocket.

“This is the fun part,” he says.

I know he’s going to tie that thing around my face.

I let him do it because he looks like a kid in a candy store, and he’s clearly planned all this out. He kisses me softly once the black fabric is tied around my face. I can’t help but feel the irony that the first time he was sitting next to me on an aircraft, I was drunk and running from Jesse.

We’re not flying for long, so I’m sure we’re still in New York. Hayden hasn’t taken the blindfold off, so I only know we’re landing because my stomach drops during the descent.

Then, there’s a final landing kind of bump. The pilot cuts the engine, and the noise stops.

“Come here,” Hayden says.

I hear him opening the helicopter door. He takes my hand and leads me to the edge. Then, he lifts me out and sets me down onto the ground. There are leaves crunching beneath my feet, and that only confuses me more.

“Do you trust me?” he whispers in my ear.

That’s a silly question. I wouldn’t have let him blindfold me in the first place if I didn’t, but I think he just wants to hear me answer.

“Yes.”

He takes my hand and pulls, so I know to follow him, and I hear more crunching leaves. I want to cheat and pull the blindfold up just a little, so I can see out the bottom, but I don’t.

He wants this the way he wants it, and I won’t ruin it for him. He’s probably the only person in the world that I’d stand being surprised for. For anyone else, I’d want to know too badly, so I’d look.

My boots start to click as I walk when we hit another kind of flooring, and I think we’re inside. I’m confused because there aren’t other people talking, and unless they’re all staying extremely quiet, I think we’re alone.

Hayden stops and lets go of my hand, so he can take the blindfold off.

Finally.

He pulls the black fabric off my face, and it takes a moment for my eyes to adjust.

We’re in heaven.

Only, it’s my kind of heaven.

Anyone else might run screaming, but all I can do is look around and smile because I feel like I’m home. We’re in some kind of abandoned building that looks like an old mental hospital that you’d see in a horror movie. There’s debris strewn everywhere because no one has cleaned this up in who knows how long.

“What is this place?” I ask, turning around so that I can see more.

“North Brother Island,” Hayden informs me, watching me with his hands in his pockets.

He’s looking at me like I’m looking at this place, which gives me a strange sense of satisfaction.

All the paint is peeling off the walls, and there’s furniture everywhere. Some of it’s broken, and some is overturned. There’s glass in some of the panes, but a lot of it is missing.

I’m struck by the distinct lack of graffiti.

“Are we supposed to be here?”

I walk into the next room, and the floor is littered with books.

“No,” he says casually as he strolls behind me.

“Is this illegal?”

“Kind of.”

“And you just took a helicopter here?”

“Yes.”

“Are we going to get arrested?”

“We can’t stay for too long,” he says, avoiding the question.

There’s a bench on the far wall, but I can’t get to it unless I’m willing to wade across the sea of books that have probably been sitting here for decades.

One strikes my eye, and I reach to pick it up.

Nobody’s Boy.

I run my hands over the green cover before I set it down exactly how I found it.

“Most people take boats,” Hayden explains. “They row here. I didn’t want to end up in the East River that way, so here we are.”

“You’re so bad,” I tell him, not looking back. “Using Rockefeller perks left and right. I hope you don’t have a limited lifetime allowance, or you’re going to run out.”

“I don’t care,” he says.