Volition (40 page)

He pulls back and kisses me softly before wiping the tears on my cheeks.

“Tate,” he says softly, “why did you get on that flight?”

I know he’s asking about the night before our meet-cute on the plane. He should know. It will seem insignificant to him, but it wasn’t to me. It was enough to make me run once and for all.

It was enough to break the heart I didn’t know I had. A stake would have been less painful, and it seems that Jasmine has plenty of those up her sleeves.

My phone vibrates several times and falls off the kitchen counter. I walk over to pick it up to make sure it’s not Colin or Catherine.

It’s not.

It’s an invitation reminder from Chad about the publishing gala two nights from now.

I sigh and turn my phone off, and it’s my turn to ask Hayden to go to a stupid society event. I don’t want to go, but it’ll look better for me at work if I do. I don’t want to go alone, and it dawns on me why Hayden would rather have me there than go alone even if it’s awful.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” I tell him as I sit down again. “I’ve never been one for big events, and going as your date is a lot of pressure.”

“I know,” he says. “I’m sorry. I never wanted you to feel that way. You should only come to events that you want to come to. If you’d rather not, I’m not going to be angry. I don’t want to force you to do anything you don’t want to do.”

I forget all the time that he understands me so well.

“Thank you.” I smile genuinely because it’s important to me to have my freedom and not be tied down by my future last name.

“I do have a favor to ask of you, if you’d like to come.”

He looks at me expectantly.

“There’s a publishing event tomorrow night at the Met. As of right now, I’m going solo—that is, unless you’d like to be my date.”

“I’d be honored,” he tells me. He leans in to kiss me on the forehead.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I feel like Hayden is my shield from the rest of the world and from Jesse, and I didn’t know how much I needed him in my life.

I might be okay after all.

Then

I WAS GOING to tell him.

It had been a week since graduation, and I was back at the Hale house because lease on the apartment I was renting in Charleston wouldn’t start for another two weeks. I hated sleeping there, but I didn’t have a choice. I avoided Lara at all costs. I was cut off, except for the courtesy she’d extended me as a graduation present that I could live there instead of succumbing to homelessness.

I was sure Colin’s family would let me sleep at his house instead, but I preferred to be here, close to my parents.

I couldn’t write.

I couldn’t sleep.

I couldn’t eat.

I couldn’t do anything but think about Jesse.

We had come so far, but we were so stuck at the same time. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to see him. I wanted to thank him for Ancient Civilizations.

I wanted to confront him about whatever was between us because it had been sitting dormant too long. I wanted it out in the open, and if he shut me down, so be it. At least I would know the truth. At least I tried.

If not, I never had to see him again.

My anxiety started to get the best of me, and I pulled on a jacket. It was still cool out in the evenings, but I shivered even more from the lack of humanity due to my Jesse affliction.

I walked outside, using my phone as a flashlight, and made my way to the cemetery. The cicadas were so loud that I could barely hear my own footsteps on the ground.

When I got there, the gate was locked.

That didn’t make any sense. We never locked the gate.

I threw my phone over to the other side and climbed up. I hit the ground on the other side with a soft thud and kept walking past all my ancestors to get to Denny and Maggie.

There were a few empty graves that were gaping holes in the ground, just like the night I’d spent in here. That was why they’d locked the gate. They didn’t want people falling in or me going in on purpose.

“Well, I’m here,” I told them, announcing myself even though it wasn’t necessary. “I’m going to do it.”

I sat down in between their graves and thought about how Jesse had moved Denny for me all those years ago.

“How did you know?” I asked them. “How did you know you were meant for each other?”

No one had ever told me about how my parents met, and I suspected I’d never know. Lara would never tell me, and I didn’t speak to Julian. I doubted Cece knew, and she had been corrupted by our grandmother to hate Denny anyway, so it wouldn’t interest her.

“I wish I loved someone as much as you loved each other,” I said, pulling on the grass.

I heard a voice, so I stopped talking.

I wasn’t scared, but I did want to know why someone was out here on the property at midnight.

I knew Jesse used to come out here to think, but I wasn’t sure if he did anymore. Regardless, this was a female voice.

A whisper.

A giggle.

Then, it was a voice I knew too well.

A feeling like I was being frozen crept over my body, so I turned off my flashlight and stood up.

I waited to hear it again just to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating.

“It’s this way,” he said.

There was a giggle for a response.

“Jesse, I’m scared!”

That whiny voice would be the death of me, and that was all well because I was murderous. Why Jesse would bring Jasmine to
my
cemetery in the middle of the night was beyond me.

Why he would go anywhere with her was beyond me.

The gate clanged, and I knew he’d unlocked it. The fact that he had a key and I didn’t was obnoxious, but that didn’t matter compared to why he was here with her.

Or why he was here at all.

I knew he didn’t live with anyone because I’d driven by his run-down house half a dozen times in the past week, and his car was parked alone out front. If they were so hell-bent on being somewhere together, why couldn’t they do it there where I didn’t have to see it?

Why did they have to shove it in my face?

It was like they knew I would be here.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Jasmine had planned it, but I didn’t plan to be out here until about ten minutes ago, so this was just a terrible twist of fate.

Then, the giggling stopped. The talking stopped.

No.

For some reason, the thought of them kissing was too much for me, and I started running toward the entrance to the cemetery.

They heard my footsteps and broke apart. Jasmine screamed.

I wanted to murder her, so it was extremely convenient that they were standing next to an open grave.

“What the fuck, Jesse?”

He started shaking his head.

“I’m sorry, Tate.”

The look in his eyes told me he really was sorry because he still felt something for me, but he wasn’t sorry enough for my satisfaction. Then again, what did he have to be sorry for? We weren’t dating. We were just soul mates. I knew I’d made him watch me with Casper, but that was different. Casper was no Jasmine because he didn’t plot to ruin other people’s lives. He didn’t move here from New York City just to cause Jesse pain.

“Tate, you scared the shit out of me!” Jasmine screamed, her hand still over her chest.

“Oh,
I
scared the shit out of
you
? This is my property. I’m allowed to be here. You’re not.”

“I wanted to see what Jesse does all day,” she said.

I knew she was lying. She just wanted to seduce him somewhere on my turf, so she could win.

“Tate, maybe you should go inside,” Jesse said to me because he could feel my rage.

“Maybe I should,” I said too calmly as I walked toward the gate.

Jasmine looked relieved, but Jesse’s eyes were still wide.

I put one hand on the gate like I was going to go and then unleashed my plan as I let go, turned, and shoved Jesse hard in the chest with both of my palms.

Surprised, he stumbled backward and started to fall, his eyes on me the whole time. Jasmine was still holding his hand, and although it wasn’t my intention for her to go with him, she lost her balance and fell on top of him with a satisfying thud.

I stood over the edge of the hole, which was taller than both of them. I was thankful for the first time that our ancient mausoleum couldn’t hold any more bodies and all the new graves were below ground.

“Good luck getting out of there,” I told them both.

They appeared to be all-too alive.

“Fuck you, Tate McKenna,” Jasmine said.

I could hear that she was crying now.

I’d scared her to tears.

Good.

“Oh no, Jasmine Saro,” I said with a smile. “Fuck you. You’re trespassing.”

It sounded like I meant she was trespassing on the land, which she was, but I also meant she was in enemy territory when it came to her claim on Jesse.

Jesse said nothing, but it looked like he was in pain.

Good.

I hoped he broke his ring finger, too, so that if he married Jasmine, he’d still think of me every time he looked down.

I walked out and shut the gate behind me. Jesse had left the key in the lock, so I pulled it out and left them there. I never wanted to see either of them again for as long as I lived.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed Catherine even though I knew she’d be asleep.

“Hello?”

I started crying the second I heard her voice. She didn’t need me to say anything. She just knew.

“Come to New York,” she said, saying exactly what I needed to hear. “There are plenty of newspapers here who can use talented, crazy beautiful writers.”

“I’m getting on the next plane,” I told her before hanging up. I ran into the house to get the bags I’d never unpacked.

It was the end of my life and the beginning.

I had so much hate in my heart.

I felt like there was more hate than blood cells pumping through me, and I could feel every beat in my chest like a wrecking ball against concrete. Eventually, it was going to break through, and I was going to be lost to my hatred forever unless I could get it under control.

It would change me. I knew that. Hate was a powerful thing, and it was far more influential than love even though we’d like to believe the opposite. But hate could spawn brilliance, too.

Hate had already made me into a monster, and although I didn’t regret it, I regretted the decisions I’d made. I’d been naive and immature, and I’d let it wash over me and sway me like seaweed in the surf. I’d been an awful person. I’d seen awful things.

I didn’t want to be that person anymore.

I wanted something new.

I wanted to be someone new because I couldn’t stand the life I was living anymore.

I couldn’t stand the person I’d become.

I tried to think back on all my choices, and they’d brought me here. Or had they? Was I just a puppet of fate?

Were
they
? Jasmine and Jesse?

Did we ever really have choices to make, or was it just an illusion? Were they already made for us and we’d been dragged along for the ride?

I wondered what would have happened if Jesse wasn’t that piece of fate for me.

If it had been Colin. Casper. Even Catherine. Anyone but Jesse, or no one at all.

My life would have been different. Right?

I wanted to release that hate and have it gone the second I told myself I was done, but I knew it wouldn’t disappear. That hate would stay in my bloodstream like mercury, but it was my choice to try to be better. I could be above the hate. I could try to forget.

But I couldn’t do it here.

Now

AL IS DRIVING us to the gala, and I feel sick to my stomach.

I feel guilty that for me to get here, John had to die. For me to find the love of my life, Addison had to lose hers. None of this is fair, is it? It’s all I’ve been able to think about since I put everything together.

Hayden knows I’ve been acting strange, but I think he hopes it will get better once all the wedding plans are over. His mother sent us a wedding planner who has basically been living with us. We had to sign a prenuptial agreement last night, and that made me feel like some kind of gold digger. I’m sure it was because of what happened with Addison and John since they didn’t have one, but still.