Volition (44 page)

I’VE BEEN EXILED to the hallway like a bad child.

I not only completely failed at what I came here to do, but now, I’m walking Tate down the aisle to marry another man.

I am so incredibly stupid.

Jasmine isn’t the same. I know she loves me, but even she deserves better.

I’m attracted to her, but she was just an interim Tate replacement to begin with. She wasn’t supposed to be anything more.

Jasmine is comfortable.

I’m not in love with her. She’s not my soul mate.

Tate is.

She never talked about it, and I didn’t either, but there was always something just behind Tate’s eyes that gave her away. It looked a lot like fear, so I stayed close enough to make sure she was safe, but far enough away that nothing would ever happen between us.

Jasmine liked me, and she made sure I knew it in every way that Tate had held back.

She was supposed to make me forget.

She was supposed to be the thing that freed me from Tate after I spent my entire life trying to get away from her.

Neither of us understood what we had. We just knew it couldn’t be. We’re not good for each other. We’d never agree on anything. We’re the same, but we’re so, so different.

So, I tried to pretend like it didn’t exist even though Tate couldn’t. She craved our connection, and I wanted her to have it only in theory, so that she wouldn’t feel the pain when we crashed and burned.

I never wanted to see her hurt, but I was young, too. No one left me an instruction manual. Sometimes, I did the best I could, and sometimes, I did the worst because whatever ties me to Tate makes me feel evil. It makes me want to ruin everything, but I tried to fight it. I tried to make the best of things for her, which meant that I never acknowledged our connection after I figured out it was there. If I ever said anything to her, she’d never let it go. She’d never let me go.

Instead, it backfired, and I forced Tate to move on, and now, she’s doing the same to me.

We’ve wrecked this for ourselves, and now, I have to think about it every day for the rest of my miserable life.

Jasmine deserves better.

I deserve better.

Tate got better.

The Rockefeller Prince wins it all.

I fucked up.

Bad.

I’VE ALWAYS BEEN an unusual girl. I think back on all the big moments of my life, and they all come down to Jesse. I made them about Jesse even if they weren’t. I did that to myself. I tortured myself. He was always my constant, and I couldn’t let go of him. I’ve always been afraid of what would happen if I let go of Jesse or if he decided to let go of me for good. I know it’s because memories don’t change when everything else does, and Jesse is the physical representation of so many memories in my life.

Now, on my wedding day, I finally have the ability to grasp and understand what Catherine said to me in the dressing room about letting go and moving on.

When I was little, Jesse was my friend. When we got older and more aware of what we had, he was my
what-if
. He was always a question, never an answer. He was the dark cloud that hung over my life because he was unfinished. We were like two identical pieces from different edges of the puzzle. We were the same, but we’d never fit together. That’s the thing about puzzles though. They start off rough, and eventually, they come together. It’s frustrating, and you think you’re never going to solve it, but eventually, you do. Now, it’s solved. Now, he needs to be my
whatever
until he can be my friend again, if that’s possible. Maybe it’s not.

I don’t know why I was put on this earth, and I don’t know my purpose yet. I do know that ship has sailed to be with Jesse, and it has to be different now. I can’t look at him like I’m in love with him because I’m not. I can’t think about the fact that he’s changed because it doesn’t matter. I have to completely remove him from the equation of my life, if that’s even possible, because it’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to him. It’s not fair to Hayden.

None of it is fair, but that’s life.

I want to be happy.

Catherine has just given me the best talk of her entire life, and she’s known for her advice. She stops speaking, and I can hear Hayden and Jesse outside, arguing about me.

They both have valid points, but Hayden is right. He knows me. He knows me inside and out as a person, and we’ve lived at my apartment and his together for the past year and a half. Everything about me is familiar to him, and it’s taken time for me to understand it. He loves me.

I know he feels for me what I’ve felt for Jesse my whole life, and I’m honored that such a beautiful person could love me like that. I thought I was ruined for anyone but Jesse, and that’s how I was treating myself. I felt like a dead animal on the side of the road because that’s how I felt when Jesse rejected me for years.

Now, it’s exceedingly clear when I stare at both of them and tell them I don’t belong to either of them.

Then, I run, for the last time but for good reason.

It’s raining outside, and I’m grateful.

I run outside and into the rain, so it can wash me clean of everything up until this moment. I want to let go of everything I’ve been keeping inside, so I let the gray sky open up to give me an unorthodox baptismal cleansing.

I think about starting fresh first and my dress and hair second. I can feel my mascara seeping into my eyes and burning them, but it feels good. It means everything is being wiped away.

I don’t hear anything in the world while I’m spinning. I just think about how everything I ever thought about the rain was wrong. I was angry for years because I thought it killed my parents.

It didn’t.

Fate did. Rain just happened to be there.

I love the rain.

This is a good sign.

I’m not sure what I believe in, but if the drops falling from the sky could talk, I would think they’re telling me that my parents are here. They’re happy that I’m marrying Hayden because he’s the love of my life. He’s going to make me happy.

The heavens have opened up, rain is pouring, and I’m alive.

I’m so alive.

Before, everything was so choppy. Then, navigating life was like wading through the rough seas. Now, it’s smooth and clear, and everything makes as much sense as it can. It’s not perfect, but it’s a start. Jesse was
then
. Hayden is
now
. I’m free now instead of the caged wraith I was then. I know how to embrace my dark side, but it won’t consume me. I know where I’m going because of where I’ve been.

Clearly, Catherine and Colin are done letting me nearly drown myself because they’re drenched, too, and they’re leading me back upstairs. We pass several people on the way up, and their faces make me laugh.

Jesse’s standing at the top of the stairway with a sad look in his eyes, but I don’t feel upset anymore. I feel sorry for him because he’s going to need to learn to let go, too.

He means a great deal to me, and he’ll always be in my heart, but I’m not going to marry him.

I’m marrying my best friend.

I feel giddy, and I let Catherine push me into the dressing room where she starts taking my dress off of me.

“Tate, I love you, but I don’t understand you.”

I hug her, and our sopping wet clothes stick together.

“I love you, C. Thank you for being my friend.”

She looks close to crying again, so I reach around her to pick up a cloth to scrub my makeup off, so I can start again.

Catherine takes off her own dress, too, and immediately starts blow-drying both of them. It’s a miracle none of my makeup dripped on my dress, so it’s just water that has to dry.

That’s the thing. It’s just water.

I want to laugh at myself for breaking down whenever it rained because it’s now my favorite thing.

I laugh because today is the best day of my life, and I didn’t think that yesterday could be topped.

“Tate, what is this thing on your finger?”

She looks right below my engagement ring where my wedding ring will sit because Hayden’s name has been marked there with a Sharpie.

“Oh, that,” I say. “It’s a long story.”

Now

I’M GETTING MARRIED now.

Catherine is dry.

I’m dry.

Colin abandoned his suit jacket because he didn’t want to bother with it, and we’re walking across the street. Each of them is holding one of my hands like I’m a child who can’t cross the street by herself, but I’m happy. I’m giddy.

Jesse is waiting across the street, standing underneath the entrance to the cathedral.

Hayden is inside, and I can’t wait to see him.

Catherine and Colin hand me off to Jesse. Catherine tells Malin to walk down the aisle with one of Hayden’s groomsmen, and she’ll be closely followed by Haley and another.

Colin kisses me on the cheek, and Catherine squeezes me tightly as she hands me my calla lily bouquet.

She gives me a look that tells me she knows I would have forgotten it completely had she not remembered. She’s the one who made this wedding beautiful, not me. I don’t really care about the bouquet, but I carry it for her and for my future self who will want pictures with flowers even if current me doesn’t.

Then, she turns to take Colin’s arm, and they’re off, heading toward Hayden at the other end of the aisle. I can’t see him yet because I’m too far back. Jesse holds out his arm for me, and I take it and slide my hand down to his, so both are linked.

There’s pain in his eyes, but I barely feel it instead of having it crush me like it usually does.

We both know we have to do this.

“You’ll find yours someday,” I whisper to him so softly I’m not sure he hears. I try to make him believe it as much as I do, but I know it will take him a long time.

“I know,” he says, but both words hurt coming out of his mouth.

The noise of everyone standing is my cue to walk in, and I smile at the fact that it is a version of “Danse Macabre” because Colin pulled through for me. I’m sure Catherine put up a fight over that detail.

Some of the guests who know the song look confused, but I don’t care. This is my wedding, and I’ll get married how I want to.

I lean on Jesse as I walk, and I can’t help but think I’ve been leaning on him my whole life.

I smile at the faces I recognize, but I don’t search for anyone in particular. I’m focused on what’s ahead of me. I see Jim sitting in a pew, dressed in a new suit, and he winks at me.

We reach Lara, and I think her eyes are going to fall out of her face when she sees that Jesse is the one walking me down the aisle. She reaches for Cece, who hands her a fan. I wish she weren’t here, but I don’t care right now. I’m too happy to care.

My body doesn’t falter once, but my mind does hundreds of times as every Jesse-centered event I can remember flashes through my mind. Once we get past the first row, it’s all Hayden.

He’s beaming at me like I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, and now, I know why the groom’s face is always my favorite part of a wedding.

Jesse’s hand leaves mine, and Hayden’s replaces it.

They nod at one another, and instead of sitting down, Jesse walks back down the aisle, out the door, and out of my life.

I turn from my past to my present and future with Hayden, and I silently wish Jesse the best. He deserves to be happy, too. I want nothing but good things for him.

The priest begins the ceremony, and I blindly pass my bouquet to Catherine behind my back, so she can hold it while Colin brings our rings forward.

Hayden slides my plain black band over my finger to rest with its matching engagement ring, and I do the same with his. It’s onyx just like mine.

We’re asked to say our vows, and I can’t help but smile to myself because this isn’t the first time.

We recite them, and then we’re married in the presence of God and the state of New York.

Hayden kisses me, and we’re met with thunderous applause as we walk back down the aisle as Mr. and Mrs. Rockefeller.