Volpone and Other Plays (61 page)

pocket is't in, for a wager?

He shows his purse again
.

WASP
: I beseech you leave your wagers and let him end his matter, an't may be.

COKES
: O, are you edified, Numps?

OVERDO
[
aside
]: Indeed he does interrupt him too much; there Numps spoke to purpose.

COKES
: Sister, I am an ass, I cannot keep my purse.

[
He shows it
] again.

On on, I pray thee, friend.

EDGWORTH
gets up to him and tickles him in the ear with a strawtwice to draw his hand out of his pocket
.

Than live to be hangè for cutting a purse.

ALL
: An excellent ballad! an excellent ballad!

EDGWORTH
: Friend, let me ha' the first, let me ha' the first, I pray you.

170 COKES
: Pardon me, sir. First come, first served; and I' ll buy the whole bundle too.

[
EDGWORTH
gives the purse to
NIGHTINGALE
.]

WINWIFE
[
aside
]: That conveyance was better than all, did you see't?

He has given the purse to the ballad-singer.

QUARLOUS
: Has he?

EDGWORTH
: Sir, I cry you mercy; I' ll not hinder the poor man's profit; pray you, mistake me not.

COKES
: Sir, I take you for an honest gentleman, if that be mistaking; I met you today afore. Ha! humh! O God! my purse is gone, my purse, my purse, etc.!

180  WASP
: Come, Do not make a stir and cry yourself an ass thorough the Fair afore your time.

COKES
: Why, hast thou it, Numps? Good Numps, how came you by it? I
mar' l
!

190  WASP
: I pray you seek some other gamester to play the fool with. You may lose it time enough, for all your Fair-wit.

COKES
: By this good hand, glove and all, I ha' lost it already, if thou hast it not; feel else, and Mistress Grace's
handkercher
, too, out o' the tother pocket.

WASP
: Why, ' tis well; very well, exceeding pretty, and well.

EDGWORTH
: Are you sure you ha' lost it, sir?

COKES
: O God! yes; as I am an honest man, I had it but e' en now, at ‘Youth, youth'.

NIGHTINGALE
: I hope you
suspect
not me, sir.

EDGWORTH
: Thee? That were a jest indeed! Dost thou think the gentleman is foolish? Where hadst thou hands, I pray thee? [
To
NIGHTINGALE
] Away, ass, away.

[
Exit
NIGHTINGALE
.]

OVERDO
[
aside
]: I shall be beaten again if I be spied.

EDGWORTH
: Sir, I suspect an odd fellow, yonder, is stealing away.

200 MISTRESS OVERDO
: Brother, it is the preaching fellow! You shall suspect him. He was at your tother purse, you know! Nay, stay, sir, and view the work you ha' done; an' you be
beneficed
at the gallows and preach there, thank your own handiwork.

COKES
: Sir, you shall take no pride in your preferment; you shall be silenced quickly.

[
They seize
JUSTICE OVERDO
.]

OVERDO
: What do you mean, sweet buds of gentility?

COKES
: To ha' my pennyworths out on you, bud. No less than two purses a day serve you? I thought you a simple fellow, when my man Numps beat you i' the morning, and pitied you –

210  MISTRESS OVERDO
: So did I, I' ll be sworn, brother; but now I see he is a lewd and pernicious enormity (as Master Overdo calls him).

OVERDO
[
aside
]: Mine own words turned upon me like swords.

COKES
: Cannot a man's purse be at quiet for you i' the master's pocket, but you must entice it forth and debauch it?

WASP
: Sir, sir, keep your
debauch
and your fine Barthol' mewterms to yourself, and make as much on ' em as you please. But gi' me this from you i' the meantime; I beseech you, see if I can look to this.

[
WASP
tries to get the box with the licence
.]

220 COKES
: Why, Numps?

WASP
: Why? Because you are an ass, sir; there's a reason the shortest way, an' you will needs ha' it. Now you ha' got the trick of losing, you' d lose your breech, an't were loose. I know you sir; come, deliver.

WASP
takes the licence from him
.

            
You'll go and crack the vermin you breed now, will you? 'Tis very fine, will you ha' the truth on't? They are such
retchless
flies as you are, that blow cutpurses abroad in every corner; your foolish having of money makes ' em. An' there were no wiser than I, sir, the trade should lie open for you, sir; it should i' faith, sir. I would teach your with to come to your head, sir, as well as your land to come into your hand, I assure you, sir.

230  WINWIFE
: Alack, good Numps.

WASP
: Nay, gentlemen, never pity me; I am not worth it. Lord send me at home once, to Harrow o' the Hill again; if I travel any more, call me Coriat, with all my heart.

[
Exeunt
WASP, COKES
,
and
MISTRESS OVERDO; JUSTICE OVERDO
is carried out
.]

QUARLOUS
: Stay, sir, I must have a word with you in private. Do you hear?

EDGWORTH
: With me, sir? What's your pleasure, good sir?

QUARLOUS
: Do not deny it, you are a cutpurse, sir; dus gentleman here, and I, saw you, nor do we mean to detect you (though we can sufficiently inform ourselves toward the danger of concealing you), but you must do us a piece of service.

BDGWORTH
: Good gentlemen, do not undo me; I am a civil young man, and but a beginner, indeed.

QUARLOUS
: Sir, your beginning shall bring on your ending, for us. We are no
catchpoles
nor constables. That you are to undertake is this; you saw the old fellow with the black box here?

BDGWORTH
: The little old
governor
, sir?

QUARLOUS
: That same. I see you have flown him to a mark already. I would ha' you get away that box from him, and bring it us.

250 BDGWORTH
: Would you ha' the box and all, sir? or only that that is in't? I' ll get you that, and leave him the box to play with still (which will be the harder o' the two), because I would gain your worships' good opinion of me.

WINWIFE
: He says well; 'tis the greater mastery, and 'twill make the more sport when ‘tis missed.

EDGWORTH
: Ay, and 'twill be the longer a-missing, to draw on the sport.

260 QUARLOUS
: But look you do it now, sirrah, and keep your word, or –

EDGWORTH
: Sir, if ever I break my word with a gentleman, may I never
read word
at my need. Where shall I find you?

QUARLOUS
: Somewhere i' the Fair, hereabouts. Dispatch it quickly. I would fain see the careful fool deluded! Of all beasts I love the serious ass – he that takes pains to be one, and plays the fool with the greatest diligence that can be.

GRACE
: Then you would not choose, sir, but love my guardian, Justice Overdo, who is answerable to that description in every hair of him.

270 QUARLOUS
: So I have heard. But how came you, Mistress Wellborn, to be his ward, or have relation to him, at first?

GRACE
: Faith, through a common calamity; he
bought me
, sir; and now he will marry me to his wife's brother, this wise gentleman that you see, or else I must pay value o' my land.

QUARLOUS
: 'Slid, is there no device of
disparagement
, or so? Talk with some crafty fellow, some picklock o' the law! Would I had studied a year longer i' the Inns of Court, an't had been but i' your case.

280  WINWIFE
[
aside
]: Ay, Master Quarlous, are you proffering?

GRACE
: You' d bring but little aid, sir.

WINWIFE [
aside>
]: I'll look to you i' faith, gamester. – An unfortunate foolish tribe you are fall'n into, lady; I wonder you can endure 'em.

GRACE
: Sir, they that cannot work their fetters off must wear ‘em.

WINWIFE
: You see what care they have on you, to leave you thus.

GRACE
: Faith, the same they have of themselves, sir. I cannot greatly complain if this were all the plea I had against ‘em.

290 WINWIFE
: 'Tis true! but will you please to withdraw with us a little, and make them think they have lost you? I hope our manners ha' been such hitherto, and our language, as will give you no cause to
doubt yourself
in our company.

GRACE
: Sir, I will give myself no cause; I am so secure of mine own manners as I suspect not yours.

QUARLOUS
: Look where John Littlewit comes.

WINWIFE
: Away, I'll not be seen by him.

QUARLOUS
: No, you were not best, he'd tell his mother, the widow.

WINWIFE
: Heart, what do you mean?

300
QUARLOUS
: Cry you mercy, is the wind there? Must not the widow be named?

[
Exeunt
GRACE, WINWIFE
,
and
QUARLOUS
.]

III, VI             [
Enter
LITTLEWIT
and
MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
.]

[
LITTLEWIT
:] Do you hear, Win, Win?

MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
: What say you, John?

LITTLEWIT
: While they are paying the reckoning, Win, I'll tell you a thing, Win: we shall never see any sights i' the Fair, Win, except you long still, Win. Good Win, sweet win, long to see some hobby-horses and some drums and rattles and dogs and fine devices, Win. The bull with the five legs, Win, and the great hog. Now you ha' begun with pig, you may long for anything, Win, and so for my motion, Win.

MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
: But we sha' not eat o' the bull and

10         the hog, John; how shall I long then?

LITTLEWIT
: O yes, Win! you may long to see as well as to taste, Win. How did the ‘pothecary's wife, Win, that longed to see the
anatomy
, Win? Or the lady, Win, that desired to spit i' the great lawyer's mouth after an eloquent pleading? I assure you they longed, Win; good Win, go in, and long.

[
Exeunt
LITTLEWIT
and
MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
.]

TRASH
: I think we are rid of our new customer, Brother Leather-head; we shall hear no more of him.

They plot to be gone
.

LEATHERHEAD
: All the better; let's pack up all and be gone before he find us.

20
TRASH
: Stay a little, yonder comes a company; it may be we may take some more money.

[
Enter
KNOCKEM
and
BUSY
.]

KNOCKEM
: Sir, I will take your counsel, and cut my hair, and leave vapours. I see that tobacco, and bottle-ale, and pig, and Whit, and very Urs' la herself, is all vanity.

BUSY
: Only pig was not comprehended in my admonition; the rest were. For long hair, it is an ensign of pride, a banner, and the world is full of those banners, very full of banners. And bottle-ale is a drink of Satan's, a
diet-drink
of satan's, devised

30        to puff us up and make us swell in this latter age of vanity, as the smoke of tobacco to keep us in mist and error; but the fleshly woman, which you call urs' la, is above all to be avoided, having the marks upon her of the three enemies of man: the World, as being in the fair; the Devil, as being in the fire; and the Flesh, as being herself.

[
Enter
DAME PURECRAFT
.]

DAME PURECRAFT
: Brother Zeal-of-the-Land! what shall we do? My daughter, Win-the-Fight, is fall'n into her fit of longing again.

BUSY
: For more pig? There is no more, is there?