Volpone and Other Plays (62 page)

40 
DAME PURECRAFT
: To see some sights i' the fair.

BUSY
: Sister, let her fly the impurity of the place swiftly, lest she partake of the pitch thereof. Thou art the seat of the Beast, O smithfield, and I will leave thee. Idolatry peepeth out on every side of thee.

KNOCKEM
[
aside
]: An excellent right hypocrite! Now his belly is full, he falls a-railing and kicking, the jade. A very good vapour! I' ll in and joy Urs' la with telling how her pig works; two and a half he eat to his share. And he has drunk a pailful. He eats with his eyes as well as his teeth.

[
Exit
.]

50 
LBATHERHEAD
: What do you lack, gentlemen? What is't you buy? Rattles, drums, babies –

BUSY
: Peace with thy
apocryphal
wares, thou profane
publican
–
dry bells, thy dragons, and thy
Toby's dogs
. Thy hobby-horse is an idol, a very idol, a fierce and rank idol; and thou the Nebuchadnezzar, the proud Nebuchadnezzar of the Fair, that sett'st it up for children to fall down to and worship.

LEATHERHEAD
: Cry you mercy, sir, will you buy a fiddle to fill up your noise?

[
Re-enter
LITTLEWIT
and
MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
.]

60 
LITTLEWIT
: Look, win; do look o' God's name, and save your longing. Here be fine sights.

DAME PURECRAFT
: Ay, child, so you hate ‘em, as our brother Zeal does, you may look on 'em.

LEATHERHEAD
: Or what do you say to a drum, sir?

BUSY
: It is the broken belly of the Beast, and thy bellows there are his lungs, and these pipes are his throat, those feathers are of his tail, and thy rattles the gnashing of his teeth.

TRASH
: And what's my gingerbread, I pray you?

70 
BUSY
: The provender that
pricks him up
. Hence with thy basket of popery, thy nest of
images
, and whole
legend
of ginger-work.

LEATHERHEAD
: Sir, if you be not quiet the quicklier, I' ll ha' you clapped fairly by the heels for disturbing the Fair.

BUSY
: The sin of the Fair provokes me; I cannot be silent.

DAME PURECRAFT
: Good Brother zeal!

LEATHERHEAD
: Sir, I' ll make you silent, believe it.

LITTLEWIT
[
aside to
LEATHERHEAD
]: I' d give a shilling you could, i' faith, friend.

LEATHERHEAD
: Sir, give me your shilling; I' ll give you my shop if I do not, and I' ll leave it in pawn with you i' the meantime.

80  
LITTLEWIT
: A match i'faith, but do it quickly, then.

[
Exit
LEATHERHEAD
.]

BUSY
: Hinder me not, woman.

He speaks to the widow
.

           I was moved in spirit to be here this day in this Fair, this wicked
and foul Fair – and fitter may it be called a Foul than a Fair – to protest against the abuses of it, the foul abuses of it, in regard of the afflicted Saints, that are troubled, very much troubled, exceedingly troubled, with the opening of the merchandise of Babylon again, and the peeping of popery upon the stalls, here, here, in the high places. See you not Goldylocks, the purple strumpet, there, in her yellow gown and green sleeves? the

90      profane pipes, the tinkling timbrels? A shop of relics!

LITTLEWIT
: Pray you forbear, I am put in trust with 'em.

BUSY
: And this idolatrous grove of images, this
flasket
of idols! which I will pull down –

Overthrows the gingerbread
.

TRASH
: O my ware, my ware, God bless it!

BUSY
: – in my zeal, and glory to be thus exercised.

LEATHERHEAD
enters with
OFFICERS
.

LEATHERHEAD
: Here he is. Pray you lay hold on his zeal; we cannot sell a whistle, for him, in tune. Stop his noise first!

BUSY
: Thou canst not; 'tis a sanctified noise. I will make a loud and most strong noise, till I have daunted the profane enemy.

100      And for this cause –

LEATHERHEAD
: Sir, here's no man afraid of you or your cause. You shall swear it i' the stocks, sir.

BUSY
: I will
thrust myself
into the stocks, upon the pikes of the land.

LEATHERHEAD
: Carry him away.

DAME PURECRAFT
: What do you mean, wicked men?

BUSY
: Let them alone; fear I them not.

[
Exeunt
OFFICERS
with
BUSY
,
followed by
DAME PURECRAFT
.]

LITTLEWIT
: Was not this shilling well ventured, Win, for our liberty? Now we may go play, and see over the Fair, where we

110          list, ourselves. My mother is gone after him, and let her e' en go and lose us.

MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
: Yes, John, but I know not what to do.

LITTLEWIT
: For what, Win?

MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
: For a thing i am ashamed to tell you, i' faith, and ‘tis too far to go home.

LITTLEWIT
: I pray thee be not ashamed, Win. come, i' faith thou shall not be ashamed. Is it anything about the hobby-horse- man? An't be, speak freely.

120 
MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
: Hang him, base bobchin, I scorn him. No, I have very great what sha' call 'urn, john.

LITTLEWIT
: O! Is that all, win? we'll go back to Captain jordan; to the pig-woman's, Win. he'll help us, or she with a dripping pan, or an old kettle, or something. The poor greasy soul loves you, Win, and after we' ll visit the Fair all over, Win, and see my puppet-play, Win; you know it's a fine matter, Win.

[
Exeunt
LITTLEWIT
and
MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
.]

LEATHERHEAD
: Let's away; I counselled you to pack up afore, Joan.

TRASH
: A pox of his Bedlam purity. He has spoiled half my ware; but the best is, we lose nothing if we miss our first
merchant
.

130
LEATHERHEAD
: It shall be hard for him to find or know us when we are
translated
, Joan.

[
Exeunt
.]

IV, i         
[
The Fair
].

[
Booths and stalls, as before, and a pair of stocks
.]

[
Enter
BRISTLE
and
HAGGIS
,
with
JUSTICE OVERDO
,
followed by
COKES
and
WTROUBLB-ALL
.]

[
TROUBLE-ALL
:] My Masters, I do make no doubt but you are officers.

BRISTLE
: What then, sir?

TROUBLE-ALL
: And the king's loving and obedient subjects.

BRISTLE
: Obedient, friend? Take heed what you speak, I advise you;
Oliver
Bristle advises you. His loving subjects, We grant you; but not his obethent, at this time, by your leave. We know ourselves a little better than so. We are to command, sir, and such as you are to be obedient. Here's one of his obedient subjects

10          going to the stocks, and we' ll make you such another, if you talk.

TROUBLE-ALL
: You are all wise enough i' your places, I know.

BRISTLE
: If you know it, sir, why do you bring it in question?

TROUBLE-ALL
: I question nothing, pardon me. I do only hope you have warrant for what you do, and so,
quit you
, and so,
multiply you
.

He goes away again
.

HAGGIS
: What's he? Bring him up to the stocks there. Why bring you him not up?

[
TROUBLE-ALL
]
comes again
.

TROUBLE-ALL
: If you have justice overdo's warrant, ‘tis well;

20        you are safe. This is the warrant of warrants. I' ll not give this button for any man's warrant else.

BRISTLE
: Like enough, sir; but let me tell you, an' you play away your buttons thus, you will want 'em ere night, for any
store
I see about you. You might keep ‘em, and save pins, I wusse.

[
TROUBLE-ALL
]
goes away
.

OVERDO
[
aside
]: What should he be, that doth so esteem and advance my warrant? He seems a sober and discreet person! It is a comfort to a good conscience to be followed with a good fame in his sufferings. The world will have a pretty taste by this, how I can bear adversity; and it will beget a kind of reverence toward me hereafter, even from mine enemies, when they shall

30        see I carry my calamity nobly, and that it doth neither break me nor bend me.

HAGGIS
: Come, sir, here's a place for you to preach in. Will you put in your leg?

They put him in the stocks
.

OVERDO
: That I will, cheerfully.

BRISTLE
: O' my conscience, a seminary! He kisses the stocks.

COKES
: Well, my masters, I' ll leave him with you; now I see him bestowed, I' ll go look for my goods and Numps.

HAGGIS
: You may, sir, I warrant you; where's the tother bawler? Fetch him too, You shall find 'em both fast enough.

40                         [
Exit
COKES.]

OVERDO
[
aside
]: In the midst of this tumult I will yet be the author of mine own rest, and, not minding their fury, sit in the stocks in that calm as shall be able to trouble a triumph.

[
TROUBLE-ALL
]
comes again
.

TROUBLE-ALL
: Do you assure me upon your words? May I undertake for you, if I be asked the question, that you have this warrant?

HAGGIS
: What's this fellow, for God's sake?

TROUBLE-ALL
: Do but show me Adam Overdo, and i am satisfied.

Goes out
.

BRISTLE
: He is a fellow that is distracted, they say – one Trouble-all.

50      He was an officer in the court of Pie-powders here last year, and put out on his place by Justice overdo.

OVERDO
: Ha!

BRISTLE
: Upon which he took an idle conceit, and's run mad upon't. So that ever since, he will do nothing but by Justice overdo's warrant; he will not eat a crust, nor drink a little, nor make him in his apparel ready. His wife, sir reverence,
cannot get him make his water or shift his shirt without his warrant.

60 
OVERDO
[
aside
]: If this be true, this is my greatest disaster! How am I bound to satisfy this poor man, that is of so good a nature to me, out of his wits, where there is no room left for dissembling!

[
TROUBLE-ALL
] comes in.

TROUBLE-ALL
: If you cannot show me Adam overdo, I am in doubt of you. I am afraid you cannot
answer
it.

Goes again
.

HAGGIS
: Before me, neighbour Bristle, (and now I think on't better) Justice Overdo is a very peremptory person.

BRISTLE
: O! are you
advised
of that? And a severe Justicer, by your leave.

70 
OVERDO
[
aside
]: Do I hear ill o' that side, too?

BRISTLE
: He will sit as upright o' the bench, an' you mark him, as a candle i' the socket, and give light to the whole court in every business.

HAGGIS
: But he will burn blue and swell like a boil (God bless us!) an' he be angry.

BRISTLE
: Ay, and he will be angry too, when he
list
, that's more; and when he is angry, be it right or wrong, he has the law on's side ever. I mark that too.

OVERDO
[
aside
]: I will be more tender hereafter. I see compassion

80        may become a Justice, though it be a weakness, I confess, and nearer a vice than a virtue.

HAGGIS
: Well, take him out o' the stocks again. We'll go a sure way to work; we'll ha' the ace of hearts of our side, if we can.

They take the
JUSTICE
out
.

[
Enter
POACHER
and
OFFICERS
with
BUSY
,
followed by
DAME PURECRAFT
.]

POACHER
: Come, bring him away to his fellow, there. Master Busy, we shall rule your legs, I hope, though we cannot rule your tongue.

BUSY
: No, minister of darkness, no, thou canst not rule my
tongue; my tongue it is mine own, and with it I will both knock and mock down your Barthormew-abominations, till you be

90       made a hissing to the neighbour parishes round about.

HAGGIS
: Let him alone; we have devised better upon't.

DAME PURECRAFT
: And shall he not into the stocks then?

BRISTLE
: No, mistress, we' ll have 'em both to Justice Overdo, and let him do over 'em as is fitting. Then I and my gossip haggis and my beadle poacher are
discharged
.