Want to Go Private? (23 page)

CHAPTER 31
ABBY
DECEMBER 13

Mom and Dad still aren’t letting me out of their sight, other than to shower and go to the bathroom. Faith came over last night to bring me homework. At first it was really awkward. Like, I know she wanted to ask me what happened and did he do stuff and all the gory details, but how can I possibly tell Faith about how I’m now the star of a “series” of naked pictures on a child porn site? About how the video of me losing my cherry is being watched by perverts around the world.

I feel like the dirtiest filth on earth and I love Faith too much to contaminate her.
She’s
still a normal girl. That’s something I’ll never be, ever again.

But then she just looked at me and said, “Oh, Abby, I was so scared!” and she threw her arms around me and hugged me and I felt her shoulders shaking.

Did I say dirtiest filth on earth? I meant in the universe. I’m this awful scum of a person who has let everyone down, especially the people who are closest to her.

“I’m sorry, Faith,” I said, starting to cry myself. “I’m so, so sorry.”

She lifted her head, tears tracing the freckles on her cheeks.

“You don’t know what it was like, not knowing … and imagining … You hear all these stories of girls being tortured in basements or getting cut up in wood chippers and —”

“Look, I’m here and unchipped, okay?”

“Okay. I’m so glad you’re safe, Abs.”

She looked like she was about to start crying again so I asked her how things were going with Ted. Turns out that wasn’t such a good idea.

“Not so well. We … kind of broke up.”

“What? I thought things were going so well?”

“They were,” Faith said. Suddenly, she couldn’t meet my eyes. “But …”

“But, what?”

There was this awkward silence, in which it seemed like Faith was trying to figure out what to say, but then she finally just looked me straight in the eye and said, “The thing is, Abby, when you ran off with this guy without telling anyone, I felt so awful, because before you never would have done something like that without telling me. And if you had told me, maybe I could have talked you out of it.”

I opened my mouth to try to tell her that no one could have changed my mind about going to meet Luke, that it was like my destiny or something, but she held up her hand and continued.

“But I was so wrapped up with the play and Ted that I wasn’t there for you.”

Tears flooded her eyes and she grasped both of my hands.

“Ted … Well, he said stuff about you and we had this huge fight and broke up.”

She shakes her head as if to erase the memory.

“But … I’m just … I’m so sorry, Abs. I’m sorry for being such a bad friend.”

Guilt doesn’t even begin to describe what I felt right then. Faith was so happy with Ted and now they’ve broken up because of me and she’s apologizing to me for it? Lily’s right. She was happy to see me when I got back, but it didn’t take too long afterward before she proceeded to tell me how badly I’ve screwed everything up for everyone.

“You’re not a bad friend, Faith. You’re the best.”

I hugged her and even though I’d felt angry at her before I went away with Luke, I felt closer to her then than I ever had.

“So … what are people saying about me?” I asked.

The flush on Faith’s face told me that whatever people were saying, it probably wasn’t anything I wanted to hear. But I need to know the worst. At some point, I have to go back to school.

“I don’t know…. I …” She didn’t meet my eyes.

“Come on, Faith. Just tell me. I’m going to find out sooner or later.”

Faith took a deep breath and looked straight at me.

“People keep asking me if he raped you and stuff. I told them it wasn’t any of their business. But people want to know …” She swallowed. “But I want to know how you could go off with some creep from the Internet that you never met before in your life. How someone as smart as you could do something that stupid.”

Each word felt like a needle, piercing my skin. But Faith wasn’t done.

“What I really, really need to know, Abs,” she said, tears welling in her eyes, “is why didn’t you tell me? Maybe if we’d talked …”

“You were busy,” I mumbled, feeling like the biggest piece of shit in the world. “With the play and everything. Things were different and I …”

“But we’re still best friends, right? And best friends tell each other stuff. Especially important stuff like they’re thinking of running off with some guy they met over the Internet.”

“It wasn’t like that, Faith. You don’t understand. Nobody does.”

“So explain it to me, Abby. Make me understand.”

I took a deep breath and tried to figure out how to begin.

“Like I said, you were busy and I guess I was feeling, I don’t know, lonely and … like … well, Luke listened to me. It was like he knew me better than anybody, and understood exactly what I was going through.”

I could tell Faith was upset at the “knew me better than anybody” thing. I guess I could see why. We were always the ones who knew each other better than anybody.

“But couldn’t you see he was just pretending?” Faith asked. “You know, whatever they call it … ‘grooming’ you?”

“It wasn’t like that,” I told her. “It really felt like …”

The loss hit me suddenly, and I was crying hard over the loss of something I never really had.

“It felt like he loved me, Faith. But he didn’t. He was telling all these other girls he loved them, too. I’m just an idiot. A dirty, brainless idiot, who’s screwed up everyone’s lives.”

Faith was hugging me and our tears mingled where our cheeks touched.

“Oh, Abs, you’re not dirty. And you haven’t screwed up everyone’s lives.”

But Faith doesn’t know the half of it. She doesn’t know that I’m the star of the “Abby Series” on all these child porn sites.

She doesn’t know that I’m a “celebrity” just like Paris Hilton now, with my own personal sex tape. She doesn’t know about the stuff that happened in those dingy one-star motel rooms while I was away with Luke.

“What about you and Ted?”

She sighed.

“I guess it wasn’t meant to work out. It’s pretty awkward still being on stage crew with him. But, whatever.”

“I’m scared to go back to school, Faith. I mean, it was bad enough before, but now … ”

“I’ll be there for you, Abs. I’ll always be there for you. And this time, don’t forget it.”

CHAPTER 32
ABBY
DECEMBER 15

“Do you want me to walk you in?” Mom asks me as I sit with my hand on the door handle, afraid to open the car door and get out.

If you thought the first day of high school was bad, try going back after you ran away with some guy you met online who turned out not to be the loving person you thought he was, but was actually a creep and a perv who was chatting up lots of other girls.

I feel breakfast coming up the back of my throat.

“Can’t I stay home another day? I really don’t think I’m ready.”

“Honey, you’ve already missed over a week of school and the end of the marking period is coming up. Maura said you should try to get back into a routine. We’ve talked to the counselor at school. You can always go see her if … things get … difficult.”

Difficult. Everything is
difficult
at the moment. Sleeping is difficult because I keep having horrible dreams. Waking up is difficult because I can’t sleep. Looking in the mirror is difficult because I hate the person I see. But the worst part is seeing
the reflection of myself in my father’s eyes. That’s worse than any mirror.

When I make no move to get out of the car, Mom says, “Come on, Abby, let me just walk you inside.”

“Mom, I’m in high school, not nursery school, okay? I can manage to walk up the stairs by myself.”

She gets that hurt, “I was only trying to help” look and I feel bad. I spend pretty much all of my time right now feeling bad.

I squeeze her hand. “Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll be okay.”

Mom kisses my cheek and whispers, “Good luck.” She tells me she’ll be there to pick me up after school. She’s rearranged her whole work schedule so that she can be my personal chauffeur/jailor. My parents don’t trust me to be unsupervised anywhere. I guess I can’t really blame them. But I didn’t realize how much I enjoyed my freedom until it was gone.

Heart pounding and stomach churning, I open the car door and get out. I hear someone go, “OMG! There’s that girl, Abby Johnston! You know, the one who …”

I don’t hear the rest because the voice drops to an undertone. But I can fill in the blanks for myself:
Was stupid enough to run off with an Internet predator. Was foolish enough to believe he was in love with her. Was such a moron that she sent him revealing pictures of herself that he went and posted on a child porn site. Was drunk and ended up having her virginity taken in what is now a downloadable online video.

More than anything I want to dive back into the car and tell Mom to drive me home so I can go to bed and bury myself under the comforter. But Mom has to get to work. I’ve already screwed up everyone’s life enough. So I slam the car door behind me and force myself to start walking up the steps toward the
front door of school, running a gauntlet of whispers and staring eyes. No one talks to me. They just talk about me. I guess I’ve really made a name for myself here at Roosevelt High.

I keep my eyes on the ground as I walk down the hall to my locker, trying to wrap myself in indifference, to tell myself that none of this matters. But it doesn’t work anymore. It’s not like I’m going to be able to go home and talk to Luke about my crummy day at school. He’s being held on remand in some prison upstate.
And his name isn’t even Luke. It’s Edmund. Eddie? Ed? I wonder what he called himself when he talked to all the other girls he was chatting with. The other girls he was telling how beautiful and special they were. The other stupid idiots like me
.

“Abby! How
are
you?”

Gracie swoops across the hall and envelops me in a hug.

“I’m
so
glad you got back safely,” she says. “We were so
worried
about you. Faith was a
complete
basket case.”

I was kind of jealous of Grace before, but the fact that she’s being nice to me now, when I’m a social leper, brings me close to tears.

“Are you okay? Do you want me to walk with you to your class or anything?”

“You won’t think I’m totally lame?”

She gives me a sympathetic smile.

“No, I won’t think you’re totally lame. This has got to be pretty awful, huh?”

I nod, not trusting myself to speak without bursting into tears.

“Come on. Let’s get your stuff out of your locker, then I’ll take you to homeroom.”

She’s as good as her word. Not only that, during homeroom she talks to Faith and the two of them come to walk me to my next class. And the one after. It’s not like having them on either side of me stops people from staring and talking and whispering. It’s not like I don’t hear people pretending to cough, but really saying “slut” after I walk by. But at least I don’t feel totally alone, like I did when I was walking into school. Their friendship feels like some kind of … protection.

“Aren’t you guys going to get in trouble for being late to class?” I ask them.

“Gracie went to talk to the principal,” Faith says. “He gave us both passes.”

I guess Faith was right about Gracie all along. I really underestimated her. I really underestimated them both.

“Thanks, you guys … it … really means a lot to me.”

I’m doing reasonably okay until it’s time for science and I realize that I’m going to see Billy. It’s bad enough that all these other people think that I’m a stupid, crazy slut, but Billy … I’m not sure I can face seeing the disgust in his eyes.

“I don’t want to go to science, Faith. Maybe I can pretend I’m sick and go to the nurse.”

“What, because of Billy?”

“I don’t want him to hate me. It’s bad enough that everyone else does.”

Gracie opens her mouth like she wants to say that everyone doesn’t hate me, but I’m looking her straight in the eye so she shuts it. There’s no point lying.

“Abs, you shouldn’t worry about Billy,” Faith says. “
He
really cares about you. You should have seen him when you were missing. He was really freaked out. And not just because the police went to his house and asked him questions, either.”

“The police questioned
Billy
?”

“Well, yeah. Because you’d gone out on a date with him and stuff. And because he was one of the last people to see you before you disappeared.”

“That just gives him
more
reason to hate me.”

“But he
doesn’t
. That’s the point,” Faith says. “Just go to class. You’re going to have to see him sooner or later. And like I said,
he cares about you
.”

Unlike Luke, who just said he did but lied. Like he lied about everything else
.

People stare at me when I walk into science. But then everyone turns away like they’ve got something really important to do. I’m not sure which is worse — everyone staring, or knowing that they’re desperately trying not to. I wonder if things will ever be normal again, if I’ll just be plain old Abby who nobody notices.

I sit down in my usual seat at the lab table and pretend to look at my notes as intently as everyone else is pretending that everything is normal in my life. I hear the sound of Ms. Forcier’s heels tip-tapping over in my direction and I feel her hand on my shoulder.

“Welcome back, Abby,” she says just loud enough for me to hear. “I’m so glad you’re safe.”

I’m afraid to look up at her, in case I see judgment in her eyes, so I keep my eyes lowered. She puts some handouts on my desk.

“Here’s what you missed while you were gone. The midterms are next week, so you’ve got some catching up to do. Let me know if you need any extra help.”

“Okay.”

“I can help, too.”

Billy. I’m afraid to turn and face him.

He cares about you, Faith said
.

So did Luke. But he lied
.

But Luke was really Edmund
.

And Billy isn’t Luke
.

I turn and face Billy, expecting to see the kind of look I’ve been seeing in the hallway: the scorn, the sneering, the judging. But there’s none of that. It’s just … Billy. Billy, with a tentative smile, like he’s just worried about how I’m feeling.

“Hey, Abby,” he says.

“Hey, Billy.”

“It’s about time you got back, you slacker. It sucked having to do the labs by myself.”

I can’t believe he’s joking with me like nothing happened. Like everything’s normal. Like
I’m
normal. Doesn’t he realize that I’m … this stupid person who did this awful thing? But hearing him tease me like this feels like the greatest gift anyone has ever given me. Because, for a second or two, I almost feel like old Abby again. Enough that I risk joking back.

“Well, it’s about time you did some of the work, Fisher. Typical guy, expecting the woman to carry the load all the time.”

That gets me a real smile, just as Ms. Forcier starts class.

I’m taking notes and trying to concentrate on everything she’s saying, because I know I’ve missed stuff while I’ve been gone, but I’m really aware of Billy. Then I see his hand
edging toward mine out of the corner of my eye, passing me a note.

U scared the crap outta me, Abby. Do me a fave and stick around, k
?

I’m not glad I scared him. But I am glad that even though I’m … who and what I am now, he still wants me to stick around.
But will he be so accepting if he finds out everything
? Probably not. So I might as well enjoy this for the short time that it lasts.

K. Will stick. Like glue
.

He passes the note back.

Glue too messy. Double-sided tape maybe?

I can’t hide a smile, but right then Ms. Forcier turns around from the board so I tuck the note in my pocket and turn my full attention back to science.

Billy walks with me out into the hall, where I wait for Faith and Gracie to escort me to math.

“How come you’re not running away?” he asks. “Usually you’re in such a hurry to get to your next class.”

I flush, thinking of all the times I used that excuse because I didn’t want him to ask me out again. Now I wonder what would have happened if I’d stayed still long enough to listen to what he had to say. Maybe I would have gone out with him again. Maybe I wouldn’t have become so obsessed with Luke. Maybe I would have “made better choices” as my parents would say. Somewhere, in a parallel universe, there’s an answer to that question. But where I live, I’m stuck with who I am and what I did, and I have to live with it. I just hope it’s not forever.

“I’m waiting for Faith … and Grace. They’re going to walk me to my next class.”

“What, you’ve been gone a week and you already forgot the way?” he says, a teasing light in his eyes.

Can’t he see the looks? Doesn’t he see how everyone is staring at me like I’m some putrid creature that just crawled out from under a very dirty rock
?

“No … it’s just … well …” I can’t look him in the eye.

I see Grace and Faith coming down the hall and wish they’d hurry so I wouldn’t have to explain. It feels so good to pretend to be Real Abby again with Billy that I don’t want to shatter the illusion, because I know that once it’s gone, it’s gone, and it’ll be back to my suckfest life of “living with the consequences of my actions.”

“Wait —” Billy says, eyes narrowing. “Are you taking crap about what happened? Are people hassling you?”

Well,
duh
.

“What do you think? That I’m being welcomed back with open arms and smiles and a parade?”

“But —”

“Hi, Abs!” Faith says. “What’s up, Billy? Sorry to interrupt, but we have to get Abby to her next class.”

“Abby, we need to talk,” Billy says.

I’m not sure I want to talk, because I’m afraid of what he’s going to say to me. But I guess I kind of owe it to him.

“Okay. But you’ll have to call me. I’m not allowed to IM at the moment for —” I feel myself blushing. “Well, for obvious reasons.”

He blushes, like the subject embarrasses him, too.

“Yeah. Well … I’ll call you tonight.”

Gracie and Faith don’t say anything until we turn the corner of the hallway and then they freak out on me and are all,
OMG, Abby
!

“So what’s going on with you and Billy?” Gracie asks.

“Nothing,” I say. “Nothing’s going on with me and anyone, and that’s the way it’s going to stay. It’s just …”