Want to Go Private? (28 page)

“Anytime you feel like coming with me to a school, you just let me know,” she says. “Hearing it from you makes a big impact.”

“Let me wait till my legs stop shaking from doing this talk before I think about doing any more,” I tell her.

“No problem,” she says. “Well, I’ve got to get my stuff and get back to the office. You take care of yourself, Abby.”

“I will … and thank you. For everything.”

“Just doing my job.”

I know she is just doing her job, but it’s more than that. She really believes in what she’s doing. In trying to keep kids like me safe from creeps like Edmund Schmidt. Which is pretty cool, if you ask me.

Edmund Schmidt is in jail awaiting trial. I still see him in the nightmares that continue to haunt me, but at least I won’t have to see him in real life. The district attorney’s office said they have enough evidence from the chat logs and all the porn they found on his computer. The forensic evidence that the SANE nurse took during that humiliating exam should be enough to convict him of statutory rape.

I’m just glad I’ll never have to come face-to-face with him again. If I did, I’d want to ask him one question: WHY? But I also know that there would be no point asking it. Because everything he ever said to me was a lie.

Billy passes me a note during science the following week.

Do you want to go to see a movie this weekend
?

I write back:

It depends. Are we actually going to WATCH the movie
?

He has to smother a snort.

It depends
.

On what
?

On how good the movie is, duh!

This time I’m the one who half snorts, half coughs. Ms. Forcier turns around and looks in our direction, like
What is going on with you two
?

He grabs the paper from me, writes, then passes it back and looks at me sideways from under his hair.

Soooooooo? What’s the verdict? Yea or Nay?

I think for a moment — am I ready for this? Billy’s been so amazing to me. He doesn’t treat me like I’m this defective, freaky girl because of what happened — even if that’s how I feel myself sometimes. And that’s the problem. I’m just afraid that if he kisses me that I’ll think of Luke. Or Edmund as I make myself call him now. That I won’t be able to stop those thoughts coming into my head. I’ve talked about this in my individual sessions with Dr. Binnie a lot — like, am I going to be freaked out about this kind of stuff forever and never be able to live a normal life? She
reminded me that recovery is going to be a long, hard road, and that I’ll have good days and bad days. But if I give up, then Edmund Schmidt has won, and I’m not going to let that happen. Never ever. Not on your life.

Yea
, I write in big, bold letters, and slide the note back to Billy.

When he reads it, he turns to me and smiles.

Baby steps.

I’m often asked where I get the inspiration for my novels. The answer in this case is an Internet Safety presentation at my son’s school. Supervisory Special Agent Tom Lawler of the New Haven office of the Federal Bureau of Investigation told me a true story, which sparked a question to which I felt compelled to write the answer. I am indebted to both SSA Lawler and Marybeth R. Miklos of the New Haven FBI office and Linda Wilkins in the Office of Public Affairs at FBI Headquarters, for their extraordinary assistance with the research for this novel.

I’m deeply grateful to Detective Sergeant (retired) Jim Marr, Sergeant Mark Zuccerella of the Detective Division Special Victims Section, and Police Chief David Ridberg of the Greenwich Police Department for helping me to ensure that the early stages of the investigation and police reports were portrayed as accurately as possible.

I owe many refreshing beverages and tasty snacks to Karen Ball, Justine Domuracki, Maura Keaney, and Dr. Amy Zabin, who gave me excellent feedback on various phases of the manuscript.

My apologies to my beloved critique group, led by the ever amazing Diana Klemin, and including fellow scribes Susan Warner, Bill Buschel, Dr. Alan Shulman, Gay Morris, Steve Fondiller, and Tom Mellana (to whom I am a groupie for life for coming up with the title) for all the sleepless nights suffered after our critique
group sessions. I promise to write a funny novel about rainbows and fluffy bunnies someday. Well, maybe fluffy anime bunnies.

Team Scholastic rocks my socks. My amazing editor, Jen Rees, has been a great champion of this book, despite the creepiness factor, because she “got it” right from the beginning. Joy Simpkins, Susan Jeffers Casel, and Starr Mayo were fantastic copyeditors, finding things that I never would have thought of and sparing me serious (and I mean
serious)
embarrassment. Phil Falco blew me away with the perfectly chilling book design. I’m still waiting to find David Levithan’s kryptonite, because he really IS Superman. Thanks to Lauren Felsenstein and Tracy van Straaten and everyone in publicity, production, sales, and marketing for helping this book make its way out into the world.

Super Agent Jodi Reamer is living proof that one should never underestimate persons of diminutive size, because they can, quite literally, kick your butt. Thank you for putting up with my periods of authorly angst and reminding me to just keep on writing.

My kids, Josh and Amie, inspire, teach, and amuse me every day. My sincere apologies for all those creepy books on my bedside table during the research phase. Smooches, my darlings. I love you to the end of the Universe and back again.

Hank, I love you and am infinitely grateful for so many things, not least for lending me your convertible to take for a spin and blast Led Zeppelin when I need to clear my head and get inspiration, and for reading this manuscript early enough to catch potential plot flaws. “Whole Lotta Love,” babe.

For more information about Internet Safety, visit:
http://wanttogoprivate.com
http://chezteen.com

SARAH DARER LITTMAN’S widely praised first novel,
Confessions of a Closet Catholic
, won the 2006 Sydney Taylor Book Award. She is also the author of
Purge
and
Life, After
, a Sydney Taylor Honor Book. In her “grown up” life, Sarah is a columnist for Hearst newspapers and the online site CT News Junkie. She lives in Connecticut with her family. Visit her online at: www.sarahdarerlittman.com.

A 2011 Sydney Taylor Honor Book

“Convincing and absorbing.”

Publishers Weekly

“Littman catches the voice of teen readers with her spot-on dialogue and realistic situations.”

The Jewish Journal

“An intimate and powerful novel.”

The Stamford Times

“A fresh voice… Purge is one you won’t want to miss.”

teensreadtoo.com

“With an underlying but not heavyhanded message, this may start a few conversations.”

Kirkus Reviews

Copyright © 2011 by Sarah Darer Littman
Cover design by Phil Falco

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First Edition, August 2011

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eISBN: 978-0-545-38934-1