Warped (5 page)

The thought fills me with sadness, which unsettles me again.  Why am I at constant war with myself? There are three people in this relationship, Damon, me and the person I wish I could be. The girl I was. The real me.

I want to live happily ever after with Damon, but I have come too far now to turn back. When Damon finds out the truth he won’t want me anyway. That’s why I need to stay focused.

I must not love Damon Hunt. 

CHAPTER TEN

JUNE 17
TH
2014

The weekend has passed in a blur of morning sickness, Damon touching me, and confusion. I believe he feels deeply for me but I also believe he loved Lydia at one point. Maybe that’s why he loves me. Subconsciously he sees her. I have to keep my wits about me. I don’t want to lose myself.

I don’t want to get lost in Damon like Lydia did.

May 1st 2011

I can’t believe it. Why are they doing this to me?

I saw them together, kissing. She was my friend. She helped me with Damon but now she’s trying to take my place. I can’t let her do that.

Damon doesn’t want her. He wants me!!

Damon told me who he really wants and I know I can be her. I can be who he needs again. Who he wants!

I just need a chance. I need him to see I can change.

I love him and not being with him hurts.

He’s playing games with my emotions. He looks at me like I mean nothing.

I can’t take this pain.

I NEED him.

I’ve been lost for the last three years. The things I’ve done don’t sit well with me now. It hurts my head to think of all the pain I’ve caused the “practice men”. I wish I’d thought about it more. I’ve done to them what Damon did to Lydia. At the time I thought I was preparing myself for Damon but now I’m not so sure.

I never stood a chance to beat him at his games. I only ever tweaked his jealousy, and after some of the bad things I’ve done before Damon, making him jealous was tame. I would rectify my behaviour towards the “practise men” if I had the opportunity.

I was consumed with darkness at that time.

That’s the problem. Once you let darkness inside it never leaves. It never dies, never comes out. You drown in it, get lost in it, and never recover. I’d let that darkness in and until Damon entered my life, my world was full of dark. Damon fills my dark world with light.

Am I ready to give the light up? I’m not so sure.

Today I’m meeting Flora for lunch. I’m not too sure how this is going to go down. I know she wants to talk about an engagement party, but I’ve done well this week to avoid everything related to being engaged. I’m not sure what to do yet so I don’t want wedding talk.

Damon has been good to me. Showing me his love, showering me with his affection, telling me he loves me at every turn. I’m not sure what to believe.

I make my way into Truly Scrumptious, looking around for Flora and spot her almost immediately. She’s sitting in a corner booth so I make my way over to her. She smiles when she sees me and stands to greet me.

She pulls me into a warm hug and kisses my cheek and it shocks me. I’m not used to real motherly affection but Flora seems to have taken me into her family since our first meeting. My throat clogs up as I return her warm embrace.

“Ella, dear, how are you?”

“I’m good thank you. How are you?”

“I’m happy.” The happiness shines in her eyes confirming her statement. “My baby is finally settling down. I couldn’t be more over the moon. I’m so glad he met you, dear soon to be daughter-in-law.” She lets out a peal of laughter.

I smile. This woman is the best part of Damon. Every good part of him comes straight from the love of his parents. It’s hard to believe some of the things Damon has done in his past. I would have never guessed he was Lydia’s Damon based on her description. He seems so different from the person Lydia described. I know Flora and George would not approve of some of the things Damon has done in his past.  

“I’m glad to have met him too.” I don’t want to talk about the engagement so I steer the conversation to something more comfortable. “How is George?”

“The same, as usual. He’s always happy, that man. That’s why I love him so much.” I can hear the love in her voice as she speaks of George and it instantly makes me want to cry. My pops never moved on and found love after my mum left. He always said he didn’t need anyone else’s love. The love of his children was enough, but I do wish he would have found someone to make him happy like Flora and George are. “The Hunt men sure know how to show love, but you know that now.”

Nodding my head, I smile.  If only she knew what Damon’s love was like in the past, and that it’s painful now, I’m sure she wouldn’t put all the Hunt men into the same category. A waitress comes over to take our order. I’m not feeling too well today.  My stomach hasn’t settled so I make up an excuse of having a late breakfast and skip lunch, choosing just a glass of ice water instead.

Flora orders a chicken salad with dressing. My mouth waters at the same time as my stomach churns. I’ll be glad when these sickness bouts end. My mind can’t decide whether food would be good or bad, much to my dismay. The waitress returns quickly with our waters and leaves to take care of the other customers.

“Tell me how he proposed. I know it must have been romantic. He gets his romantic side from George.” I choke on the water I was just sipping when her question registers in my brain. My eyes widen as I think about Damon’s marriage proposal. 

I gasp for breath as the water goes down the wrong hole. Flora quickly stands and comes to pat my back. I can’t exactly tell her how he proposed. He kissed another woman, chased me down when I caught him, asked me to marry him then fucked me against the kitchen island. Nope, that definitely won’t sit well.

Once I’ve got over my choking fit, I excuse myself to go to the toilet hoping Flora will forget her question when I return. When I’ve composed myself enough I return to the table. Flora’s lunch has been placed in front of her and she’s tucking into the salad heartily.

I’m thankful that she seems to have forgotten about the proposal when she starts speaking about Spencer.

****

The afternoon has passed by quickly. I’ve been with Flora for the last two hours and conversation has flowed easily between us. She is an amazing woman and I wish I had a mum like her. Damon and Spencer are very lucky to be able to call her their mum.

We’re getting ready to part ways when Flora brings up the subject of babies. I’m so relaxed and didn’t expect it that I’m sitting here in stunned silence as she rattles on about other options for parenthood. It takes me a while to realise she’s talking about me and Damon.

“... and I know it’s not everyone’s favoured option but I really see nothing wrong in surrogacy or adoption. Have you thought about your options since finding out you can’t have children?”

“I...erm... well... it’s not.” I sigh. How can I explain this without giving away that I am actually currently pregnant and shouldn’t be? “Flora, it’s not that I can’t have children. Just that I would need help to conceive. Well that’s what I was told but I’m sure doctors are sometimes wrong about these things. I haven’t really given it much thought.”

I feel sick lying to her. She doesn’t deserve lies but I can’t tell her I’m carrying her first grandchild right now before I even tell Damon. I struggle to stop my hand from resting against my stomach where I know my jellybean is growing.

“That’s okay, dear. I hope you don’t mind but I’ve been doing a little research on PCOS. I know things seem difficult but I just want you to know there are options.” I smile sadly at her. How the fuck am I going to explain a pregnancy to her? I don’t even understand how it’s happened in the first place. Obviously I know how I’ve conceived, but I was never meant to be able to conceive naturally.

“I’m so sorry. I’m not pressuring you, I promise. I’ve just realised how that sounds. I just wanted to see what options are available for you both in the future.”

“No worries.” I give her a reassuring smile, not knowing what else to say.

“Well I would love any grandchild of mine, blood or adopted. It wouldn’t matter to me,” she smiles.

I know she’s trying to make me feel better but it’s making me feel worse. I now know she would give anything to be a grandma. How can I take that away from her? How can I just leave and take away her grandbaby? I don’t think I can. I also don’t think I would be able to co-parent with Damon if I take him down for revenge. 

“I always wanted a daughter, you know? We were happy to just get healthy babies but I did always dream of having a little girl to call my own. Instead I ended up with two of the manliest men going. I wouldn’t change them for the world.” She smiles off into space as if recalling Spence and Damon growing up.

Flora’s phone ringing puts a stop to my reply. I use her call as a way to avoid responding. I quickly say goodbye, kissing her cheek, before heading back to Damon’s.

I have a lot to think about. My jellybean would be wanted and loved by more than just me. I need to make the right decision for my baby. I need to put her first.

My hand stays on my stomach the entire drive back to Damon’s.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

DAMON

The house is too quiet. I hate coming home to an empty house now. I’m used to my beauty being here when I get back from work, but I know she’s out for the afternoon with my mum.

I take my jacket off and hang it up. I feel fucking restless whenever Ella isn’t around. I know she’s still struggling with Leona kissing me. She tries to act like everything is okay but I know she’s putting on an act. She hasn’t been sleeping well, and she’s been sick a few times.

She thinks I haven’t noticed but I notice every fucking thing about her. She’s all I think about, all I care about, and all I need. She just needs to see this, to believe me. I know I have work to do to gain her trust again. Keeping Leona away from her is a must.

I don’t know what Leona’s game is but she needs to fucking stop. She’s been blowing my phone up with calls and texts ever since I broke the news to my parents. I knew they’d tell Steen and Sandra, who would tell Leona, but I haven’t been ready to deal with her yet. I’m still pissed about her turning up at the restaurant so I’ve been avoiding all communication with her.

Ella needed me more than Leona did. My beauty always comes first. Since Ella is out I may as well bite the bullet, so to speak. I pull my phone out and hit dial on her contact. It doesn’t take but four rings before the call connects.

“Damon.” Leona purrs. I’ve never minded her purred words before but they piss me off now. They do nothing for me and I’m not sure they ever did.

“Leona,” I reply briskly. “You’ve been trying to ring?” She drops her purr and gets straight to the point.

“Yes. Are you fucking kidding me, Damon? What the fuck. Why am I hearing from my parents that you’re getting married?” she demands.

“Because I am,” I snap.

“Over my dead fucking body. Have you forgotten the evil in you Damon? Have you forgotten who you are? What you are? You’ll ruin her.” I pause and take in her words. Am I really evil? I’m not with Ella. I’ve made mistakes in my life but who the fuck hasn’t?

“It’s not your fucking choice, Leona. You don’t get a say in this. I nearly fucking lost her because of your kiss. You know I love her but you still kissed me.” I’m fast losing my patience with her. “Ella is the best thing that’s happened to me and I’m not about to lose her.”

“You don’t need her, baby. You and I, we’re meant to be together. We’re good together and you can’t ruin me. I’m already damaged.” You have got to be fucking kidding me.

“Not gonna happen, Leona. You know it was never like that for us.” I bite out, trying to keep my tone polite.

“Yeah well, do I need to remind you of the past? What you did to...”

“No, you don’t.” I grit out, my teeth grinding. Who the fuck does she think she is bringing up my past?

“I’m just looking out for you, Damon. It will never work with you and Ella because of who you are. Best to call it quits while you’re ahead. Not time to fucking propose, Damon. You must have lost your mind.”

“Enough!” I yell. Maybe I have lost my mind. I know Ella would look at me differently if she knew my past. That’s why I’m holding off telling her. We only have a chance if she’s deeply in love with me before the truth comes out, before my past comes back to haunt me.

“But what about me, Damon?” she whines. “We belong together. You know we’re good together.”

“No we don’t, Leona. I’m not doing this with you. I’m not letting you do this. If you can’t accept things as they are then maybe we need to go our separate ways.” She sucks in a shocked gasp. I hate hurting her. She’s been through enough but I have to put Ella first.

“So that’s how it’s going to be? Just cut me out your life for her? After everything I’ve done for you?” I can hear the disgust in her voice. I don’t understand her fucking problem. I would have thought she would be happy for me.

“That’s not what I want but what will happen if you don’t let this drop.”

“She’s tricked you into this marriage proposal. I won’t let her do that.” The venom in her voice makes me lose it.

“I FUCKING PROPOSED TO HER. ME!’ I slap a hand against my chest as if she can see me. “She’s mine, I won’t lose her,” I pant, rage taking over me. I won’t let Leona do this. She won’t speak badly of my beauty as long as I can stop her.

“But you’ll lose me? Whatever, Damon.” I can hear tears in her voice but she’s holding them back.

“Listen, Leona. I don’t want to lose you. This can work, I know it can.” Suddenly I become aware of my beauty. I feel her near. I turn and see her standing at the door. Her face is expressionless. I don’t know how much of that she heard but I hope it wasn’t just my last comment. “I love her.” I tell Leona as I stare into Ella’s eyes. “She’s mine. I proposed because I love her. Can’t you just be happy for me?” The dial tone lets me know Leona hung up on me.

I throw my phone down on the kitchen counter and stalk over to Ella. I just need to hold her, to know she’s real. I need to make sure she knows she’s mine. I’m gonna fucking keep Ella if it’s the last thing I do.

Reaching her, I pull her into my arms. She’s so fucking beautiful. I need to keep her. She’s everything I’ve ever wished for and everything I never knew to wish for. Her inner beauty shines as bright as her outer beauty.

“Baby, I don’t know what you heard–”   I don’t get to finish before Ella’s mumbled words hits my ears.

“I heard enough. Leona isn’t happy. You told her she’d be out your life if she can’t accept me.” Pulling her head out of my chest she looks me in the eyes. Confusion and doubt is swimming within her emerald gaze. “Did you really mean that?” she asks in a small voice.

This is my fault. I’ve made her have these doubts. Her pain and doubt are on me. Grabbing her chin, I hold her face steady. She needs to believe what I’m about to tell her. She can never doubt this if I can help it.

“I fucking love you, beauty. I’m going to keep you forever.” I kiss her plump lips, needing a taste of her. “I’m never letting you go. No one and nothing means more to me than you. You’re fucking it for me.”

Tears spill and roll down her cheeks. I kiss them away, whispering my love for her in between. If there is anything in my life I need her to believe, it’s this.  

“Damon,” her voice hitches, “I... Damon.” She breaks into sobs, clinging to my shirt as she cries out her pain.

I wish there was more I could do to assure her, wish I could take back things from my past to make everything easier. But I can’t. I hold her tightly as she cries and she doesn’t realise how much it fucking cuts me deep to see her like this, to know I’m the cause of her pain.

I thought she was going to say it then, what I’ve been waiting to hear. Three little fucking measly words that I can’t wait to hear from her sweet lips. I know it’s hard for her now, especially after Leona’s kiss but I want them so bad. I feel like a fucking bitch for needing them so much.

“Beauty, you don’t need to say it. You’re not ready. I already know how you feel,” I say into her hair. She lifts her head away from my neck to look up at me.

She looks lost. My beautiful Ella is hurting and confused. I wish she’d just tell me what’s going through that mind of hers. Just hit me or shout until she can really forgive me for what she saw. Her stunning emerald eyes are red rimmed and puffy. Her cute button nose is running. She looks fucking breathtaking no matter what state she’s in. 

“I love you.” I whisper, hoping she can hear the truth in my words. Sweeping the hair out of her face, I tuck it behind her ears. “What do you need, beauty?”

“You. Just you. Damon, can you... just hold... me?” she asks in a small voice. It makes me fucking bleed to know she thinks she has to ask something like that of me.

“Always.” I scoop her up into my arms and carry her to the lounge. We lie down on the sofa where I pull her close to me, tucking her against me.

Those fucking emerald eyes captivate me. I can’t look away when she looks at me like this. I have to keep that connection open. Her eyes say more than any I love you’s could. They express to me that it’s not only me that feels what we share. They let me know that she’s mine.

It doesn’t take long before her eyes flutter shut and stay that way. I don’t stop looking at her. I just enjoy having her in my arms. I don’t want to lose her, I fucking can’t lose her. When she finds out about my past she’s going to want to run. I need to make sure I have enough hold on her to catch her.

When her breathing evens out and becomes steady, I lift her up and walk upstairs, careful not to jar her awake. I don’t give a shit about anything other than holding my girl.

As long as I have this connection I don’t need anything else.

Laying her on the bed and stripping her clothes off, I try my best not to wake her. She stirs slightly but I’m too much of a selfish bastard, I need her naked flesh against mine, her warmth soaking into my frozen heart. Only Ella has been able to thaw my heart and soul.

She’s the fucking sun in my life.

Quickly undressing, I slip into bed, pulling my beauty against me. Fucking heaven. I breathe her in as I drift off into a dreamless sleep.