Warrior Pose (46 page)

“Keep breathing deeply,” Savita encourages me. “Always through your nose. Listen to its whisper, be aware of its texture and temperature.” Whenever my mind wanders, my breath gets short again. When Savita brings my attention back to my breath, my mind becomes calmer and more focused and my breath expands even deeper.

“Relax your jaw.” I had no idea it was clenched until Savita softly touches my jawbone. She guides me through relaxing my entire body again, and I find more tension hiding everywhere. There are muscles in my arms, legs, back, neck, and face that I'm gripping without knowing it. Slowly, a deeper relaxation begins to set in as I let go, and let go, and then let go again. I can feel myself letting go of more emotional stuff as well, especially when I exhale, but my “hurt file” is so huge I think it will take a lifetime to delete it all.

As I continue to lie on my back with my legs up the wall, Savita turns on soft, ethereal music and gently presses my shoulders down with her palms. Within minutes, I melt into a euphoria of deep peace. It's more profound than Biofeedback and Jin Shin Jyutsu combined. For the first time since I left my home two months ago, I know for certain that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. My vision that Yoga is the answer has been confirmed.

“Gently roll your head side to side and hug your knees into your chest.” Savita is softly bringing me back into the world now. “We have one or two more poses to try before we are finished for the day.”

Hugging my stiff knees isn't easy, and I begin to default into tension. Then I remember to breathe deeply and take it slowly. This
makes hugging my knees much easier. Finally, I'm able to roll over on my side and press up to a seated position on the floor with my back against the wall for support. I try to cross my legs like Savita, but my knees are up to my armpits and it feels like my groin is about to rip wide open.

“Don't force it,” Savita reminds me. “Keep your back against the wall, and place your right hand on your left knee. Now, gently twist to your left.” There is a string of subtle, painless little pops in my spine as I do this. I have the same experience when I twist in the opposite direction. It feels like I'm making space between each vertebra and a healing force is rushing into every subtle opening. It consumes my attention and a voice inside my mind says
There's hope for you
.

“Keep breathing deep and full,” Savita prompts me again. “You have to stay aware because it's easy to forget and default back to shallow sips of air.” She's right. I forget every fifteen or twenty seconds, my breath gets shallow, and my mind starts to race again.

“Straighten both of your legs out in front of you now,” Savita demonstrates by uncrossing her legs and sliding them straight out on the floor. This isn't easy, either. My knees stay bent due to my tight hamstrings. My back is rounding forward like a hook. I can't keep my torso anywhere near straight without the wall behind me for support.
Just don't tense up. Stay with it …Get up, Daddy.

“Now, reach your arms up high, keep breathing deeply, fold forward, and reach toward your toes. Keep me fully informed. If anything causes you pain, tell me immediately and we will modify the posture.”

As she says this, Savita folds all the way forward and effortlessly wraps her palms around the balls of her feet. I can fold only a few inches forward, but the good news is that it doesn't cause a hint of pain. Still, my feet look as far away as China. Savita places a strap around the balls of my feet and gives me each end to hold in my hands. As I pull on the strap and try to strain farther into the pose, Savita softly tells me to ease off. “The straps are just to give you some support and alignment. It's not how far you get right now. Don't pull or strain. Just experience it, even if you only fold a few inches.”
She's smiling the entire time she says this, and it feels so nurturing and affirming that I trust her completely.

I hold the position where I am, my fingertips not even reaching my knees, and breathe as deeply as I ever have in my life. Suddenly, on an exhalation, the lower lumbar vertebrae in my back pull apart with a loud, baritone popping sound. But instead of agonizing pain, an energetic sense of relief washes through me, like a dam has broken and years of heaviness and tightness have suddenly been washed away. A huge smile covers my face as my inner voice returns and says with even greater authority,
This is it!

When the session is over, I feel a lightness and openness beyond description, like I'm stoned on some magic elixir. Just before I leave, I ask Savita what her favorite book on Yoga is and commit the title to memory. The minute I get back to the hotel I rush to find Sandra, the concierge.

“Hi, Sandra. Please find this book for me and have it shipped overnight express. It's urgent. I need it right away. Please!”

CHAPTER 29

Fanatical

I
'M LIKE A CHILD on Christmas morning as my driver drops me at the Marriott Hotel after another day at the Pain Center and my second Yoga session with Savita. I slide out of the backseat and do my limited version of a power walk into the hotel, limping as I go. I'm panting by the time I get to the concierge desk.

“Is there a package for me?” I ask Sandra with the greatest urgency and a huge smile.

“Yes, it's right here,” she says as she reaches under her desk to retrieve it, noticing I'm much more animated than usual and a little out of breath. “Are you okay?”

“Just exercising a lot today,” I say as I take the package. “Thanks, Sandra!”

I would run to the elevator if I could. The moment I reach my room, I sit on the bed and call room service to order my usual gourmet dinner of filet mignon and garlic mashed potatoes, little realizing my understanding of what constitutes a healthy diet will soon be turned upside down, right along with my fairly mainstream view of the meaning of life. Then I roll onto my back, prop a few pillows under my head, and reach for my new book. I'm giddy as I rip open the FedEx package, feeling like I've found the buried treasure Morgan and I always “discover” on our imaginary sailing adventures.

The book is titled
Awakening the Spine
by an Italian Yoga teacher named Vanda Scaravelli. The cover has an illustration of a female
figure in an amazing back bend with one leg extended straight into the air. Her alignment is defined with geometric circles and triangles, like a takeoff on Leonardo Da Vinci's famous illustration entitled
Vitruvian Man
. It's mesmerizing. I hold the book in my hands as if it's made of gold, feel its weight, study the front and back covers, thumb the pages, and gaze at the pictures. Although Scaravelli is in her eighties, there are photos of her in breathtaking poses, including one where she's lying on her back with both feet behind her head. Even in these impossible contortions, she looks serene and completely at peace. I'm awestruck.

My limited understanding is that Yoga is all about these poses. I'm surprised when I read the foreword and find it's something much deeper. The focus of the book is the artful design of the human body, honoring the spine and moving it in its natural directions, listening for inner wisdom, and approaching life as a spiritual experience. Scaravelli names her internationally renowned Yoga teachers: Tirumalai Krishnamacharya, T.K.V. Desikachar, and B.K.S. Iyengar. They're names I've never heard before and couldn't begin to pronounce, but I'm intrigued and want to know more about this world and these people who are so accomplished.

The book also has a brief summary of the history of Yoga, how it arose thousands of years ago in India as a complete spiritual science and formula for balanced living. Even though I've only had two sessions with Savita, and they focused on body, breath, and mental relaxation, I'm immediately sold on the idea of a spiritual science. It's the perfect complement to Dr. Miller's insights about harmonizing body, mind, and Soul in his
Deep Healing
book, and it convinces me beyond any doubt that Yoga is the next step of my journey.

It doesn't even bother me that
Awakening the Spine
contains no instructions for Yoga postures as I had hoped and anticipated. I'm so transfixed that I read almost half the book before dinner arrives. Yoga has it all: healing exercise, breath work, meditation, nutrition, philosophy, and spiritual practice. I continue reading as I gobble my steak, underlining important passages and jotting down references to other Yoga books as I go. After dinner, I ring Sandra at the concierge desk. “I need more books sent overnight again, please.
Oh, and is there any way to find a few scented candles, a box of incense, and a CD of some soft Yoga music?”

“I know just what you need,” she answers cheerily. “There's a shop near my home that carries those sorts of things. I'll pick them up before I come to work tomorrow and bring you a receipt.”

“Thank you so much, Sandra,” I say as I feel another spontaneous smile break out on my face. I think I've smiled more in the past two days than I have in a year.

After finishing the Scaravelli book and digesting my dinner, I place a towel down on the carpet in the living room and get into my stilted version of a cross-legged seated posture with the couch supporting my rounded back. I close my eyes and concentrate on my spine, especially the fulcrum point above my sacrum. I begin deep three-part Yogic breathing now, and, like Dr. Miller suggests in his audiotapes, visualize that I'm sending healing light to every vertebra and disc. As I move slowly into the beginning twists Savita taught me, then the forward fold, I pay much more attention to my physical alignment and mental awareness. The deep pop in my spine comes again, softer this time, yet just as soothing and healing.

I don't think I can get my legs up the wall without assistance, so I modify the posture by lying down on the carpet and swinging my legs onto the couch with my knees bent. Breathing deeply now while silently chanting
I am calm, healthy, strong, and relaxed
, I ponder Scaravelli's words about listening to my inner wisdom and approaching life as a spiritual experience. I'm not sure how to go about this, but I'm certain the epiphany I experienced when I first stepped into the Yoga room at the Pain Center was a message from that inner wisdom. As I relax more deeply, my stress melts away. My body feels like warm honey. A palpable sense of peace surrounds me. This is when I slip into a deep sleep.

Southern California's spring is in full blossom. It's been three weeks since my first Yoga class with Savita and I've become a complete fanatic. The coffee table in my hotel suite is now a Yoga altar, with
scented candles, incense, and Yoga books surrounding the magic drawing stick like it's a sacred talisman. I've bought my first Yoga mat and given it a permanent place on the floor in front of the altar. I'm up earlier every morning now, making it a point to see the sunrise and send Morgan my love through its golden light. I practice gentle poses, deep breathing, meditation, and relaxation for a full hour, then study my books before having breakfast and going to the Pain Center.

My latest Yoga book has dozens of beginning poses with details on their therapeutic values and specific instructions on proper alignment for each posture. I'm surprised to learn that the poses—called
Asanas
in Sanskrit, the ancient Indian language traditionally used in Yoga—are not exercises. Exercise happens as a result of performing them, but they are more like a natural form of medicine. Some poses stimulate and energize the cardiovascular and neurological systems. Other poses calm them down. Different
Asanas
compress and detoxify the organs, open and align the spine, ignite an inner fire of energy and power, or soothe and heal painful emotions.

I attempt to do every one of the poses in the book, but most remain far beyond my capacity. Still, I continue to feel subtle shifts and openings throughout my body with the poses I am able to get into. I breathe deeply and fully almost every waking moment now, sending healing energy into my spine and lower back muscles. My mantras,
Get up, Daddy
and
I am calm, healthy, strong, and relaxed,
flow on almost every breath cycle, like Yoga poses for my normally agitated mind. This keeps me in the present moment. Really here. Not constantly thinking about the past or the future, my thoughts galloping in all directions like wild horses in a frenzy.
This is it.