We Shall Rise (32 page)

Kaden already felt gutted to the core. He listened to those words exchanged between Reysa and Christian trying to make sense of their unfathomable meaning. Reysa could not be carrying his child. The last thing he ever wanted was a child of his own. He never wanted to spread the evil within him to another generation. He had inherited his father’s demons and wanted that darkness to die with him, but now he has ruined another life yet to be born.

He knew he should be here offering words of comfort to Reysa. Letting her know that he would be there for her and take care of them both, but he couldn’t find those words. He was too angry, too afraid. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He would have never allowed this to happen.

Reysa looked so helpless and defeated lying on that bed that Kaden’s heart ached to comfort her. He took several steps towards her but then paused, unable to move a step further as he watched her hands resting on her stomach. The reminder of why he couldn’t be with her.

Kaden felt like he was in quicksand, sinking deeper with every passing moment. The more he struggled, the further down he sunk until the air was sucked out of his lungs and he could breathe no more.

He couldn’t reach her and he couldn’t stay. He turned to leave when she called out to him.

“Don’t walk away, Kaden,” Reysa begged as her voice cracked. She took a deep breath and sat up further in the bed. “We need to talk about this. I know you’re upset and I know you probably blame me for this. I blame myself. If I hadn’t been so intentionally ignorant about being a siren, I would have learned more about who I was and maybe could have prevented this, but it’s too late to dwell on that. I can’t change this now. We both need to deal with this.”

Kaden continued to stand there in silence with his back to her. Reysa knew this was her chance to break through his walls. It might be their only chance if they were to have a future. They may be mates, but they had not bonded in the way of the vampires which meant that he was not bonded to her. He could leave her now, crushing her in the process. She would survive physically although emotionally she would be dead inside like her father. It was all or nothing. She had to take the gamble and open herself up. She had to be as vulnerable as she could be and allow Kaden into her heart hoping that he would allow her into his. This was a risk, but the reward was worth the gamble.

“I love you, Kaden. I think I knew you were my mate from the beginning. I didn’t always want it to be true, but I’m glad it is now. There could never be anyone for me other than you. I want us. I want us to be a family. I just want you to want this to. I know it won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. I believe in you and I believe in us. I will fight for us, but you have to fight to. You can’t just walk away. Not this time.”

Kaden stood there with his head pressed against the door. She loved him. By the grace of the gods, she loved him and wanted him, but how could he be with her? Raise a family with her? Everything he touched he destroyed and it would be only a matter of time before he ruined her the way his father tried to obliterate all the life and love and passion out of his mother. Would he do the same to Reysa? To their child? To Tatiana?

Fear clutched at him as he fought to suppress the images of Reysa crying, begging for him to not hurt her as he would inevitably do. It would be worse for her, because he was her mate, and he had the power to be her greatest happiness and her greatest pain. No doubt, he would be the latter. One day, the light in her luminous eyes would fade and all that would be left was the shell of the warrior woman he loved. He would break her and he wouldn’t be able to stop himself. She would stay with him because of that dreaded mating bond. To be apart would be worse than the hurt from staying together. No. He could not let that happen to her. He loved her too much. He would protect her. Protect her from him even if she hated him for it. For once in his life, he would do the right thing for someone he loved. He loved no one more than that beautiful woman who had given a wretch like him a taste of happiness he did not deserve.

He slowly turned to face her. To see the tears in her eyes. He was already hurting her. It would just get worse. He had to let her go. Christian would take care of her. As much as he despised the dog, he knew Christian loved her, and would be there for her and the child. He would raise it the same way he raised Tatiana. Blood was irrelevant. Christian had the capacity to love, while he only had the capacity to destroy love. How he envied the golden boy. The man who would take his position in Reysa’s life.

Mine
, the inner voice in him fought. No. She could not be his. He had to let her go and for once not be the selfish bastard he was born to be.

“I can’t stay here. I can’t do this. I can’t be your mate. I can’t be a father to your child. I wish I could, Reysa. I wish I could give you what you deserve, but it’s not in me. It's better that I leave. Better for you and the young.”

“You’re such a coward!” Reysa yelled as she forced herself to rise from the bed. The anger giving her a renewed strength. “Don’t you dare stand here and pretend like you are walking away as some noble sacrifice for me and this baby. You’re leaving because you’re chickenshit. You don’t want the responsibility so you rather take off. At least be honest enough to admit it rather than standing here acting like you are doing this great favor for me. You are doing this for you. In the end, Kaden, it’s always about you. You really are a selfish bastard.”

Her words stung, but he rather her anger than her tears. “Yes, I am. That’s what I have been trying to tell you from the beginning, but you never wanted to hear it.”

“You’re right. Well, I’m hearing you now. Everyone warned me to stay away, but I didn’t listen. I kept trying to see the good in you. I was trying to change you. I wanted to make you into the good guy I believed in my heart and soul you to be, but really, you’re just a spoiled brat. You can blame your father, your mother, your brother, the fates or anyone else, but it all comes down to you and the choices you’ve made. This is another one of those choices you’ll regret.”

Kaden knew she was right. He was already regretting his words. As tempted as he was to take them back, he couldn’t find the courage to do so. He was afraid. He had never felt such a shattering fear consume him when he heard Reysa was carrying his child. He still wasn’t brave enough to tell her so.

His silence was all the answer Reysa needed. She could stand no more. She had opened herself to him. She had displayed all her vulnerability in a failed attempt to reach him. She fought for him and all he did was turn his back and tell her that he didn’t want her or his child. That she could not forgive.

Reysa refused to allow her child to grow up feeling unwanted and unloved. She would never allow her child to grow up the way she had. This innocent life may not have been planned, but it will never grow up feeling like a mistake.

She marched up to Kaden with that determined venomous look in her blazon red eyes. “Get out!” she demanded causing Kaden to flinch in surprise of her ear splitting tone. “Get out of my house! Get out of my life! The last thing I need is an insecure coward who can’t admit his feelings. I already have one child to raise, and another on the way. I’m not going to raise you as well. Let your mother nurse you into manhood. I don’t have the time.” She knew her words were harsh, but she was too angry to be anything but cruel. He had hurt her worse than anyone. She needed him to be there for her. To tell her everything would be fine just as Christian had. She wanted those words from Kaden. She wanted his arms wrapped around her telling her that he loved her and would love their child and be there for them no matter what. Instead he stood there looking revolted at the prospect of their child and rejected her after she confessed her love.

Kaden reached for her, but she stepped back out of his grasp. “You don’t understand,” Kaden implored her to hear him. “I don’t know how not to hurt you or the baby. I would rather die than break you.”

“Too late, Kaden. You just broke me, but I’ll recover. I have to for the sake of my kids. Now leave.”

There was still so much Kaden wanted to say, but he couldn’t find the words. He could see the hurt in her eyes as her body trembled. He caused that pain and he was helpless to stop it. “I do love you, Reysa. I wish it were enough. I wish I could be enough.”

“You don’t love me. You don’t even love yourself. You won’t allow anyone to love you. You just push everyone away. If we don’t walk away, then you’ll run away. But the end result is the same. You’re alone and those that love you waste years being rejected by you. Well, I’m not the woman who keeps begging you to stay as you reject me over and over again. I’m not the heroine in the romance novel that will take all the pain you dish out and wait for more because I love you too much to let go. I respect myself too much to cry at your feet begging for an ounce of your affection.” Reysa took a few steps back needing more distance. The temptation to launch herself into his arms was overpowering, but she could not give in to him. Not this time. The hurt was too raw, too deep. This was the ultimate betrayal of her heart and her love. “The funny thing is you wish you were enough for me. You were enough for me, Kaden. You were everything to me. You just refused to see it and now it’s too late.”

Reysa no longer fought the tears that streamed down her face. Her heart was breaking but she was determined not to run away or give in to Kaden. “I was wrong about one thing, you do have so much potential, but I can’t make you see it or believe it. You have to want to be a better man. I’ve seen moments where you allow yourself to be that man, but then you hide again. When you’re ready to stop hiding, then maybe we can talk. For now, I need you to go. I don’t have the luxury of hiding from my problems. I have too many people depending on me and I will not let them down. I can’t be the coward who disappears when things get tough.”

Kaden just stood there paralyzed by his own fear and insecurity. He couldn’t imagine his life without Reysa, but the look in her eyes warned him that it was too late. “Please…” he tried to explain further, but Reysa would not allow it. She yelled for Christian who appeared a split second later with Alejandro close behind.

“Can you show Kaden out, please?” Reysa mumbled as the last of her composure splintered.

Kaden whispered “I’m sorry,” before walking out of her bedroom and her life forever. Reysa clutched her stomach and collapsed to the ground as Alejandro rushed to her side. She wept in his arms as the final strands keeping her heart together gave way and the tides of loss and pain swept through her until there was finally darkness.

II

Kaden sat there on the cliff near the remains of the demon’s lair in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. He had been walking aimlessly for days before he eventually found himself staring at these snowcapped mountains. It was deserted and quiet. Just the solace he needed to escape the memories of that tormented look in Reysa’s eyes. No amount of torture he faced in the past could compare to the agony of seeing her despair. The worst part was that he had caused it. He didn’t know how to fix things. There were no words to make up for this disappointment he caused. He let her down when she needed him the most. Just like he let his mother down, his brother, Maddie and everyone else who loved him. Reysa could have been his one chance to finally get it right and he managed to destroy her love for him.

He couldn’t believe that she loved him. He had confided in her his darkest secrets and yet she still looked at him with love in her eyes. It was unfathomable that after 174 years of emptiness, regret and misery, that happiness was in his grasp and yet he threw it all away. He panicked and it cost him everything. There was no other excuse for his failure to handle the situation better. Kaden replayed that night in his mind over and over again but was left with the same remorseful feeling that he did everything wrong that night and it was too late to make it right.

Kaden wanted to go back to her and beg for forgiveness, but he couldn’t muster the courage to face her. Maybe it was best to stay away. He hurt her enough. She would be better off without him, but he would never be better off without her. He didn’t want to survive without her. She was his hope and now all was lost.

For all his life, Kaden thought he was cursed. Doomed to a life of misery and regret just as his father had warned him. He knew the truth now. He had cursed himself by allowing his father’s words of hate to impact every decision he made. He lived up to his father’s prediction of eternal misery by making all the wrong choices ensuring his own ruination. He spent his whole life blaming Daughton Gaspard for those choices, but it was time to face the truth that he was the maker of his own despair.

Now instead of celebrating a future of love and family, he was alone sitting on a rock wishing he had the gift to go back in time and undo the mistakes of the past. Too late. It was always too late.

Kaden was so lost in thought that he barely noticed the stealthy footsteps approaching behind him. “I can smell your overpriced cologne,” Kaden grumbled as Lucian continued to approach.

“Move over,” Lucian ordered. Kaden shifted to the right making room on the rock for Lucian.

“You have to be the last person I would have expected to come searching for me. You really are whipped. My mother’s got you running errands for her now.”

Lucian grinned nodding in agreement. “I have to admit, being whipped never felt so good.”

Kaden cringed hoping there were no sexual undercurrents to that joke. “Did my mother really send you?” Kaden questioned.