Wearing My Halo Tilted (17 page)

This was bad. I felt myself dropping the phone. Shucks, actually, bad didn't even begin to cover how awful, how humiliating, how utterly terrible this whole thing was. I picked up the receiver.

I said, “Just when I was getting my marriage back on track, Josie. Oh my, gosh, Dillon and I were together last night.”

“What? Oh, yeah, you've got to tell him before he sees this. Your butt will end up dead somewhere. Girl, men kill over this kind of foolishness. One thing to do it and nobody knows, but the whole world's gonna see this, even your mama.”

Going over to the window with the phone gripped in my left hand with my right one opening up the blinds, I knew she was right. I was staring out at the road, hoping that my husband's car would pull up so that we could talk about this whole thing before he saw it from someone else and would then make his own horrible assumptions.

I wished the news wasn't true. However, it was Josie. She was listed in my will to raise my babies if Dillon and I were ever gone. If she'd seen the pictures, I could only assume Dillon had as well.

Sucking in my emotions, I stopped staring into space when my girlfriend said, “Hey, are you there? Talk to me. We need a plan.”

“Yeah, I'm here. You know what, I just don't think he's seen this,” I said, trying to be optimistic. “Dillon never looks at tabloids. He thinks they are trash and, I mean, he's never in a grocery store. I think I'm fine.”

“Well, you need to talk to him.”

“Yeah, thanks for the warning. Josie, I got your message about the stud at the rink, but take it from me, cheating ain't worth it.” I took a deep breath. “I see some lights.”

“What, you see him?”

“Yeah, the way he's flying down the street it would only be him coming toward the cul-de-sac like that. The boy better slow down. My daddy thinks he's going to one day keep on past the house and head into the woods or something.”

“Alright, you straight?”

“Yeah, I'm straight.”

“Call me if you need to, girl. I know it's not going to be easy for you to tell him, and I really wish no one knew, but it's out now. Do damage control for real.”

I heard the garage door open. I could only pray for the strength to be able to talk to Dillon about my mistake. I hoped that he'd forgive me. I made my bed, and as bad as I didn't want to lie in it I had to.

As soon as Dillon hit the bedroom door, I knew something was wrong. He had much attitude, slamming the bedroom door a little, not even speaking, and no kiss on the cheek. He placed his leather bag haphazardly on the floor and even kicked it on his way to peel off his clothes.

“I was really worried about you,” I said when he wouldn't acknowledge me sitting up in bed, wide awake under the light. I really did believe a magazine was the last thing he was frustrated about, but I made the mistake of asking. “What's wrong?” He bent down to his bag and pulled out a copy of
Shining Star
and threw it at me.

“What the heck do you think is wrong? Like a fool I laid up with my wife last night, talking about how much I missed her. All the while she'd just come from posing for some filthy magazine. Her little butt was with some other Negro. How dare you ask me what's wrong.”

I rushed over to him touching his shoulder, but he jerked away. “Get off me. I don't have no time for your lame excuses.”

“How'd you find this?” I said as the tears started to well up in my voice.

He pushed me back a few feet. “Don't even insult me by asking how I found this crap! You need to talk to me and tell me if what's in here is real. What the heck is up with this? Photos don't lie though, so don't even fix your lips to tell me some story. You know what's in here, right? Don't look all innocent! Don't look all like you don't know you're in bed with that Bryce singer dude. I should have known when you were out with him. I should have known.” I couldn't fight back the water from flowing more intensely.

I wasn't innocent and there was no way that I could act like I was. I was sorry and there was no way I could act like I didn't care.

“For you to come home to this house and not even mention to me you knew the stuff that was going on. Having me pour out my heart to you, telling you how sorry I was, and you never once told me anything about you and another man. I'm a fool,” he said as he grabbed his silk PJs and headed out of our bedroom.

I wanted to tell him not to leave. I wanted to share. I had to apologize.

Dillon returned, and said, “Can you believe one of my players brought this trashy magazine to me and asked me what was going on with my wife. I'd never, never been more humiliated. I want out of this marriage. I'll sleep in the basement and tomorrow I'll get my stuff. I won't be here for a while until we figure this whole divorce thing out.”

“Please let me explain, please let me tell you it didn't mean anything.”

“You think I'm still crazy, please,” he said harshly, before disappearing for the night. Dillon was gone.

He was only two stories below physically, but emotionally I knew he was worlds away. I went back over to the window to shut the blinds. I couldn't feel anything. I was numb all over. My insides were gloomy, disheartened, and dark. Finally giving in to defeat, I just cried throughout the rest of the night.

A
wakening to the startling sound of the hard-falling rain, it frightened me. With what little energy I had left, I pushed myself off the floor in a panic. After I took the girls to day care the next morning, I was so burdened that I'd cried 'til I'd fallen asleep. Looking at the clock on the microwave, my heart skipped a beat when I noticed it was almost two hours past the time I was to pick up the girls. I jumped three feet when the cordless rang.

“Hello, hello,” I said when I noticed on the caller ID that it was the day care center.

“Ms. McCray, is there something wrong?” the new girl annoyingly asked. “We are about to close and you aren't here, so . . .”

“So sorry, I had a little problem. I'm on my way though. Be there in fifteen minutes,” I said quickly as I hung up the phone, knowing though I'd have to pay a fine, they couldn't leave my babies.

I had to get myself together. Dillon had just walked out on me. I had to be a mom and hold back the tears that were still falling.

I prayed,
“Lord, I don't even know where to begin. What do I say? Where do I start? It's clearly my fault. My infidelity caught up with me. However, I should have told him. Though I tried to speak up, I knew I didn't try hard enough to spill the beans. When I first came back, but we were growing so close together, I just couldn't do it. But is this all my fault? Bryce was saying all the right things. Dillon was doing no right until now. Looks like now is too late. Lord, help us. Without you guiding me, I'm at the bottom. I am trying to look up so I can see some light. Help me see Your light.”

Leaning over the island in my kitchen, I reached for a napkin and used the hard tissue to dry my face. Thankfully, the prayer spoken provided me with a spot of nourishment needed for my badly frail body. All of a sudden, I believed that God heard me and He was going to walk with me. I believed that I had hope. It wasn't like I felt any better for committing adultery. And it wasn't like my husband had forgiven me. He was still gone. However, despite all that was wrong, despite all the things I needed God to fix, I felt Him beginning to fix the one thing that meant everything—my perspective on Him.

I wanted hope. I wanted joy. I wanted peace, and not worldly happiness, but spiritual happiness. That serenity took me to a place that calmed me down enough for me to grab my keys, play Yolanda Adams gospel song, “Still I Rise,” and drive on to the day care to pick up my baby girls.

“You were late, Mommy,” Stori said to me as she sobbed. “Why? We were last.”

“Mom is so sorry, baby,” I said as I buckled her in to the car seat. “I'll take you to your favorite restaurant and let you have fun on the play set.”

“Yeah, McDonald's, Mom! You can be late tomorrow too.”

Twenty minutes later, I was cutting the chicken nuggets into tiny pieces while sitting at the booth.

Stori ate her French fries and then reached up and hugged me tight around the neck. “You are the best mommy, the best.”

After they were fed, I let them play in the ball pit for about twenty minutes. They enjoyed tossing the balls around so much that they didn't want to get out. Thankfully, the long school day and playtime wore them out. When we got into the car they both dozed.

After carrying the babies to their beds, I checked my messages. I had hoped my husband would change his mind, come back to the house, and let us be rational adults that could talk about why all this happened. Wishful thinking though. I did, however, have a message from my mentor. It had been awhile since I talked to Mrs. Kindle.

In her sweet, yet concerned voice, she said, “Hi, just checking to see how you are doing. You've been in my heart and on my mind. Seeing your name everywhere. Give me a call.”

She saw my name everywhere,
oh my, gosh,
I thought. This was just great. I've not even had a chance to tell her of my indiscretion.

Quickly, I looked for my phone book. Before the tour, I had known her number by heart. What was that saying about me? The lady that spiritually feeds me, I had forgotten her number. Clearly that wasn't a good sign. After locating the digits in my office drawer, I dialed the number, remembering I could have redialed it through the caller ID.

I really did want to have this conversation with her. I had done such wrong. I was embarrassed. I certainly was trying to avoid talking about it, but she had seen my name everywhere. She probably knew, though she did not come right out and say it. Good thing was, no matter what I did, she always made me feel loved.

We talked small chitchat for a while and she hadn't broached the subject. I didn't want to spill the beans if she didn't know. I could see my pastor being so through with me if she told him, and then him not wanting his wife to have anything to do with me. Or being mad at her for not counseling me enough. He'd hate that her mentee committed a sin so bad that all the world knew about it.

However, sensing my tension, she said, “Is something wrong, Shari? I haven't heard from you and you seem preoccupied.”

I said, “A lot is wrong. Your husband is going to hate me. You might too. I made the terrible mistake of having an affair and it's being displayed in the tabloids.”

“Shari, that isn't what either of us would want for you. But we don't condemn folks. You know my husband's cool.”

“Yeah, but he is a pastor.”

“Your pastor, and he is the first one that knows none of us are going to be perfect until we get to heaven. Like me, he'll just be worried about what this is doing to you and Dillon. Does Dillon know?”

Replaying his exit again in my frazzled mind, I said, “Yes, ma'am, and he left me.”

“Oh, I'm sorry, honey. This isn't what you wanted is it? I know you guys were having problems before you left to go on the tour. I just wouldn't have thought this would have happened while you were still a married woman,” she scolded as nicely as she could.

Not getting offended, I said, “I feel so bad about it. Not that it excuses anything, but it was just a one time thing. I let it go that far because I honestly believed it was more, but the guy didn't care about me. Looking back now I realize it was all a mistake. Then, I didn't think I wanted the marriage, but when I got back, Dillon was different.”

“Different how?”

“Like he wanted me. Acting like a godly man instead of being all crazy. He was ignited again. We were putting the pieces of our marriage back together. And now it might be too late.”

“Oh, honey, it's never too late. We've got to pray on this thing. We've got to trust God that He can fix it.”

“But if Dillon and I don't find our way back to each other, I don't know what I'm gonna do.”

Confidently, she said, “Well, you just said he was acting like a godly man. So though he's probably upset, that doesn't mean God can't work it out. If He can change the hearts of kings, then He can change Dillon's heart. Shari, I love you. Know you can call me for anything, especially for encouragement and prayer. A spiritual covering can keep you from doing something regrettable.”

“I hear you now. I was just so caught up, there's really no real explanation. I was lost and going down the wrong path.”

“Well, I hope you are now found. It surely sounds like you are headed the right way. You are willing to fix your marriage, and your husband changing is a good thing. Because the vows you guys made to God are covenants, there is a spiritual bond there that can see past the pain. Plus, your beautiful baby girls need you both. Let's do lunch soon, and stay encouraged. Do all the things around there that you need to do, Dillon will be back trust me.”

“You believe that for real, huh?” I asked, unsure myself.

“It's going to take him some time. Remember his pride is hurt right now, but yes I think he'll be back. Like I said, get your house in order and trust God to do the rest.”

“Thank you,” I said to her.

“Alright, get you some sleep and turn on that alarm.”

I laughed, “Yes, ma'am.”

I wanted to say, Mom, because she surely acted like one. Also in some ways, she was closer to me than my own biological mom. I wanted to fix that to. God knew what He was doing when He gave me her as a mentor. She understood me, but she also wanted to help me. The balance of listening and giving out advice was just perfect. I did need to get myself in order. Right now, I couldn't have a marriage if I didn't have a healthy me. Again, I saw hope in a hopeless situation. I didn't know what tomorrow would bring. All I knew though was that with God by my side, tomorrow was going to be a day I could get through.

The next week not much had changed in terms of my circumstances. My marriage was on the rocks. My husband had moved out and hadn't even come by. Granted it was football season, but he hadn't even seen the girls.

During that time of isolation, my writing was evolving. I had drafted a whole outline for my new book. The thought of writing about an author having problems in her marriage was so real to me. The story line just flowed. It was fiction, but it was my life. The thoughts poured out on a draft page, and the complete story looked like it was going to bless many women. My point, cheating isn't as good as it seems. My purpose would be to make many women not want to cheat. But for them to put into their marriage the same fight and extra energy that they put into being in an extramarital affair.

The phone rang and I was shocked to see that it was Mr. Gayley my publisher. “Hello, sir.”

“Hello, Shari,” he said, not sounding warm at all. “Let me just say we've talked to your agent and this isn't a call I wanted to make.”

Where was he going with this? I felt like I was on oxygen and someone had taken off my mask. I had to brace myself. I knew what he was about to say wasn't good for my career.

Clearing his throat, he said, “Listen, you are one of my favorite authors. And your first work was a huge success; from a play to an award. But all this recent negative press you've been receiving is a direct reflection on our publishing house. I'm not judging, but as a Christian company we simply can't condone an author tied to this type of scandal.”

As hard as it was for me, I said, “I understand.”

“We're releasing you from your contract. You don't have to worry about paying back the first half of the advance you were paid upon signing. You'll continue to receive royalties on your title,
Luv Right or Git Left.
We wish you the best, and I know with maybe a secular company you'll have a place for your writing to soar.”

After the call ended, I was sad. However, I knew I had done wrong. And just like someone who had murdered someone, they'd have to pay. Why didn't I think my sin would be any different.

The next day, after Tina and I talked, I was motivated to move on. I was a writer and I was sent here to write from my pain. Though a Christian company didn't want me, didn't mean I couldn't tell a story with a message. And even if I had to self-publish, I'd live to write—to bless—at least one.

So I got excited about getting to the manuscript. In my dark period, the bright spots were my book and my girls. They kept me going. However, as pumped as I was to get to the novel, when I sat down to pen it, I had writer's block.

Figuring I needed some girl time, I called up Josie. She agreed to meet me for lunch. Things were still crazy with her as well and she wanted to share. Maybe we could help each other.

I was so excited to see my girlfriend. Seeing her outer appearance, I would never have been able to tell she had something negative going on in her life. She was the bomb. Her short sassy haircut, cute adorable clothes, and the confidence to make any other female nearby hate her. We weren't seated for five minutes, when gentlemen sent drinks over to our table. A waitress whose name badge said Cindy, handed us two apple martinis.

Cindy said, “The nice-looking gentlemen at the bar said they would love to come join you ladies.”

I was so ready to say,
No, no send them back uh, uh I'm already having enough problems in my marriage as it is.
But I didn't have to say anything 'cause my girl handled it. She looked at the fancy glasses as if their contents held poison.

Josie handed the drinks back to Cindy. “Tell them thanks, but no thanks. We are married women. They should enjoy the drinks for us. Plus, it's the middle of the day. What kind of women do they think we are anyway?”

I let out a fun chuckle. Josie had such a lovely personality. She knew I was stressed and she made certain our time together was free from tension.

Seeing I was into her silliness, she said, “And where are they anyway?”