Wearing My Halo Tilted (19 page)

We had to make every moment count. But I couldn't apply carpe diem because my feet were frozen. I couldn't go after him. Something inside told me to give him space. As I started praying the more I realized that something was the Holy Spirit that I had to be sensitive too. I didn't want a quick fix, a Band-Aid type of approach. No, I needed true healing so that the scar would not even be left at the end of the day.

When I got to the waiting room, I saw my mom seated with my aunt, Velda. Aunt Velda was considered to be a very charismatic Christian. My other aunt, Regina, had a sassy style and she was a divor-cée. Deep inside, I believed she was lonely. My mother had never been great friends with them. I remember going to visit their places a couple of times with my family growing up, but I could also remember my mom keeping her distance. I used to always feel that she was so standoffish and I hated that, but as I grew older I learned that my grandmother and her daughters were a little messy. And sometimes I worried and tried not to make any waves. Just steer clear of the water, and my mom was smart in that respect, but funny when she asked me to please take my aunts to dinner.

My mom said, “They want to visit with their mom, then go. They are really hungry and your dad doesn't want to leave. Can you do that for me? I'm going to go home and get your girls from your brother, so I can't.”

“I'm not doing anything up here. Yeah, sure,” I said.

Being concerned, she said, “When you want to talk we can. I know some stuff is going on with Dillon. But I love you. I'm here for you.”

Fighting through the silence, I hugged her and said, “I love you, Mom.”

She appreciated the closeness, which was weird because all growing up it was like she was never a big hugger, but right then and there, the smile she displayed as we embraced, told me the gesture meant a lot to her.

My mom left, and my aunts stood up and hugged me for a minute before they went in to visit with their mom. I sat there alone, gazing out that same hospital window. All of a sudden the hospital staff started rushing toward the ICU. I stepped into the unit and saw that my grandmother had all of a sudden become critical. I dropped to my knees and looked up to the sky and prayed to God for help.

I
felt like I was the one that needed to be admitted to the hospital as I stood there trembling, watching three nurses and two doctors flee into my grandmother's room. They ran past me so fast I felt the air change. My aunts and I tried to go in too but other nurses, not working on my grandmother, tried to clear out the ICU area.

“You guys have got to let them do their job,” a sweet black nurse said to us.

“Yeah,” Granddaddy said in his tired frail, but strong voice. “Ain't nothing we can do. If it's her time, we just need to be prepared. Y'all come on out now.”

I was so unstable at that moment. No one had to tell me to get out twice. I fled around the corner and was stopped dead in my tracks when I saw my uncle, Phil, a forty-two-year-old junky, being hemmed up on the water fountain by two thugs. Normally, I would keep myself out of other people's business, but my grandmother might be dying. This was her son, even though he was a big part of why she had so much stress. She needed him around.

Phil was my crazy uncle still living at home with his parents. If my granddad had his way, Phil wouldn't be there. Some days they would come home and another big item in the house would be missing. Turns out Phil would have stolen it to hock the item for drug money.

Quickly, I stepped in between a guy who wore a do-rag with holes in it and my uncle.

“Step back, this is a hospital first of all. And his mom is in there fighting for her life. Have y'all lost it,” I said, letting my pain make me bolder than I normally would be.

“Ah, sorry,” my uncle said in a panicked voice. “I gotta get back there now. I thought she was going to be okay.”

“Now you see how crazy this is. You understand what I'm saying,” I said to him. “All those medical people that just ran down the hall, they are going to see your mom. She is not doing well, get in there. She needs your support, not more of your ignorance.”

Yeah, my uncle was older than me, yeah he should have been wiser than me, but he wasn't and from time-to-time I just had to step in and tell him what was up. I didn't know if he ever listened to me or not when I would say get your life together and stop stealing. But this time I knew he heard me. His blood-shot red eyes watered up. He ran toward the ICU door to head inside and left those guys without saying a word.

One guy looked at me and said, “Shorty, you don't know what you just did.”

Then I realized I had stepped in a little too deep, and trying to pull myself out of my jam I said, “I'm sorry. I'm sure whatever you were talking to Phil about is major, and I'm even going to make sure he get's you what you need. But please respect our family. This is a hospital. This is not the time. Besides, police are all around here for one, the rest of my family is here, and my grandma needs him more than you do.”

They didn't look impressed. One of them flashed his gun. I had to make them understand I meant no disrespect. I prayed,
Lord, help me think like these nuts and say what I need to say to squash this.

“I'm sure you have a grandma. Can't you respect that ours is fighting for her life, please,” I pleaded.

One said, “Alright, Shorty, just tell him to call me though. If I don't hear from him tomorrow, I'll be back.”

I nodded. “I'll tell him he needs to call you.” They left.

Before I could get myself together and go back in, I ran into my father and my youngest uncle, Sam. Sam was seven years older than me, and boy was he a cutie. When he graduated from high school he actually came to live with my family, and I used to kinda think he was my older brother, just for play, but I've never really gotten that crazy thought out of my mind for some reason. Back in the day, see, all the other girls loved me 'cause they wanted to go out with him, so I became instantly popular with my own crowd. He taught me things that helped me with all my problems. And he played the big brother role when it came to my dates. I loved Sam. He lived so far away with his family and I was so glad to see him, though certainly not under these circumstances, we just hugged.

“What's going on with Mama?” my daddy said to me as he got back from getting food with Sam in the cafeteria.

I huffed, “I don't know, but I don't think it's good.”

“What do you mean, she was fine when I left,” he said as he threw his hands in the air in defeat.

I said, “The doctors just went in there . . .”

Before I could finish, they both took off. They said a few words to my aunts. Then the ladies came toward me.

Aunt Velda said, “We are just hungry and need to get out of here. There is nothing we can do. Let's go.”

Though I wanted to hang at the hospital, I walked them both to my car. I was happy to see them consoling each other. There was a big rivalry with them as sisters growing up. They were only two years apart, but my grandma told me stories of how they had competition between them about everything. That was probably why I was very nervous bringing up my girls, they were only two years apart. I certainly didn't want Stori and Starr bickering for years and years.

Now, my two aunts appeared not to have drama anymore. Of course, they were heading into their sixties and going through a crisis, but they both were too beautiful to me and my grandmother to bicker.

We couldn't even make it into the doorway of the restaurant easily because the wind kept pushing us backward. The physical experience mirrored how I felt; a strong wind blowing me over. Finally, pulling it toward us together, we opened it.

As we sat in the restaurant, Aunt Regina said, “Come on, Lord, and work with me. We can't lose Mama.”

Aunt Velda shook her head in disagreement. “I just think it's her time. I'll miss Mama, but it's time for her to go and be with her Mama.”

I waited for Aunt Regina to say, “Oh, girl, where is your faith?” But she didn't. Both their eyes just filled with water. Their despair was evident.

Instead she echoed, “Yeah, I miss our talks already. You know we talked every day for at least an hour.”

It was like they were giving up. I had to be the voice of faith and reasoning. God could do anything but fail.

I said, “What are you guys talking about? She is going to be fine.”

Aunt Velda said, “No, sweetie, when we were here in May for her birthday, she was frail and tired looking then. I knew this was coming.”

“Yeah, I know it's about to be the end,” Aunt Regina chimed in.

The waitress came over and took their orders, I couldn't eat a thing. I was so shocked hoping they were wrong, and food was the furthest thing from my mind. Plus, I felt nauseous. I tried to settle down all the thoughts wrestling within me. I didn't need to add to it with food making me even gassier. I would vomit for sure then.

“You know what dress we are going to put on her?” Aunt Regina asked her sister.

“There is not really much stuff in there. Phil sold all her nice stuff,” Aunt Velda replied.

I listened to the two of them go on and on about all my uncle had taken: TVs, radios, appliances, jewelry, and then clothes. My grandma was going through more than I knew.

“Not just clothes either. Did you hear about the check book,” Aunt Velda asked her younger sister.

“Uh-uh, what happened with the checkbook?” Aunt Regina said, shaking her head in despair.

“Dad is mad. Phil has been forging checks lately. The strung out junky practically wiped out all their savings account.”

“Take me back to the hospital right now,” Aunt Regina stood up at the table and said. “I'm going to kick his tail.”

I couldn't tell if she was joking or serious. The only good thing in all this is that it kept my mind off my husband and the drama that he and I had. Well, until I got quiet and my aunts were served. They studied me.

Aunt Regina pried, “So you know I got the scoop, right?”

“What scoop?” I said, just hoping she wasn't talking about what I knew she was talking about.

“Baby girl, there are newsstands all up in New York. Last week every corner I turned on had a spread about my niece. And you know how people are? I'm always bragging on my niece, the author, the one that was on tour with that singer guy. Well, my friend that was jealous, her relatives are worthless, quickly showed me a picture of my niece and that singer guy in the sack.”

I looked over at my other aunt, Velda. She didn't blink. Obviously, because she didn't hit the roof, it was safe for me to assume she knew. What was I going to tell them?

Aunt Velda said, “You might as well go on and admit it. You been in the magazine, no need to deny it, or be ashamed of your mistakes. We all sin. Plus, Mama told us about the problems with you and that Dillon of yours.”

I was so upset at the lady I'd been praying for most of the day for God to spare, that I almost wanted to rescind that offer. My mother always told me the three of them gossiped. Honestly, it never bothered me. It was fine when they were telling other folks business, but now I needed to go to the hospital and check my grandma. How could she tell them my business? I thought she and I had a special bond. I couldn't even look at the two of them.

“Don't get to rolling your eyes at us,” Aunt Regina said to me. “Sweetie, we know you all got issues. Every marriage does. We just want to school you.” I still didn't face them. “Don't want to talk to us. Well, alright, just listen to what we've got to tell you. You know I'm divorced, been that way for fourteen years and, girl, all my friends were like he ain't loving you right. Leave him. He ain't doing that. Leave, go get you somebody else. Well, I got rid of him and I'm still by myself. My same friends that were trying to get me out of my marriage thought that was the worst thing for me, ain't no where around. They wanted me to be miserable and I'm worse off by myself. You got two kids. Trust me when I say you need to work it out.”

Aunt Velda agreed, “And, honey, though I'm still married, I consider myself married to the Lord. Kurt he's a good man, but most times he doesn't satisfy me either. I am not talking about in the physical way. I'm saying he's not the nicest man. So I think,
Lord, I serve him as unto You.
When I look at it from that point of view, I don't need any love back.”

Maybe that was why I was so unhappy. I expected too much from Dillon. If I let the Lord fill me, then I'd serve my man gladly and wouldn't have pushed him to a point of anger. Keeping my eye on God was the key. The wisdom from my aunts helped me see, though I wasn't perfect, God still loved me.

As we rode in the car and got closer to the hospital, it had been about thirty minutes since we talked about my own marriage troubles. Aunt Regina wouldn't let it go though, she brought it up again.

“Honey, I know you, and it must have been something that happened with your man that made you feel like you needed to be with another. Again not judging, but you know that was wrong?”

“Yes, ma'am,” I said in a depressed tone, feeling like what she asked me was a question more than a statement.

“Good because now that you recognize that, the issue is what's going to happen now. Dillon picked us up from the airport and he looked like he was through it. We're just gonna lift up this whole situation because God can bring y'all back together.”

Aunt Velda said, “Yeah, he's probably hurt now that she made him know he's not the only fish still swimming in her ocean. But I'm not sure we want to pray to get him back. I know he's got a temper. Mama told me. He needs to take a long hard look at himself.”

Aunt Regina said, “Both you guys have got to make the marriage work. Both you guys have got to do a little bit of giving, a little bit of loving, and a little bit of forgiving. And you'll find your way back to each other.”

Aunt Velda was in the backseat and she placed her hand on my shoulder. “Is that what you want?”

As I drove into the parking lot, I said, “Yeah, that's definitely what I want but I . . . I don't know if that's what he wants.”

“God changes and controls the minds of kings. He certainly can with your husband as well. Keep lifting it up,” Aunt Velda said, seeing that I truly wanted to reconcile.

Getting out of the car, I hugged both of them. I hated that we had to head on upstairs to see their mom lying in the hospital bed helpless. But the time together was valuable. Something I would treasure forever. The wisdom they shared with me I knew I would use.

My intuition kicked in and I felt good about Grandma. The breeze was lighter, not so strong. The wind had settled down, which kind of made me think she was now okay and that the angels hadn't come to float her spirit home. Besides, all three of us had cell phones and none of them had gone off, so she must still at least be with us.

Thankfully, when we got to the ICU waiting room Phil was smiling. Then my dad came out of ICU and told me my grandma was asking about my girls. I wasn't going to bother her, feeling she needed her rest, but he insisted.

He pushed my back through the door and said, “No, get in there. She's asking about those babies. Tell her the babies are fine. Then come right out. She's real weak.”

“Yeah, for sure I won't tire her out,” I said.

With every little step I took, my heart started beating harder and faster. It was sheer anxiety, worse than a person trying to get out of a burning house. I didn't want to go in there. I didn't want to see her suffer. I wanted her home.

When I opened the door, there was a lady from my granddad's church in there trying to talk to my grandma. My grandma wouldn't respond to her though. I didn't know what that meant. So the lady talked to my granddad and held his hand real tight. Then she grabbed his shoulders and then kissed him on the cheek. I did see my grandma stare. The woman left when she saw me in the doorway, because only two people could be in the room at a time.