Wearing My Halo Tilted (23 page)

“Tina is crazy, huh,” I said to my husband as he turned around seeing me standing there.

The sweet look in his eye let me know he hated the news I'd just received. With his arms stretched out wide I fell into them and wept.

“It's okay,” he said. “She still is going to fight to get you a deal. You believe in the work. You love the story. I just told you it changed me. It's going to get placed, you'll see.”

“No, no I'm not crying about that, and I know we need the cash and all. I'm crying because I love you and I'm so sorry for everything I took you through. For you to say you love me, our family, and this baby . . . who needs the Lord to give 'em a book deal. Writing Christian fiction, I've always felt that if my writing touches a life, then I've been used to better the Kingdom.”

He wiped my face and said, “That's good.”

“Well, you just told me that my book blessed you. So I know my writing wasn't in vain. You've already given me the best prize of all, where my writing is concerned. The tears I'm shedding are of joy.”

 

 

After being comforted in a intimate way by my husband, I laid beside him stroking his chest. “You awake?” I asked.

“Yep,” he said, kissing my forehead. “You hungry? You want me to fix you a sandwich or something?”

It was like a honeymoon for the two of us. The girls were still at my parents house with all the relatives. No one wanted us to take our own babies home. It was fine though. I wanted to connect with my husband. Spending time with him without interruption was moving. We could have laid in that bed for the rest of the night for all I cared. But I knew the Thanksgiving meal had probably dissolved.

“Naw, but I need to get up and fix you something.”

“You need to eat. I'm concerned about you throwing up everything.”

“I'm not hungry though. Plus, I'm just so full on our love.”

He shook his head, as if to say I was crazy. My lips found their way to his. We enjoyed the moment.

Then he said, “Before that message from Tina came on, I got a call from Parker Rex. You remember him, right?”

“Your old teammate that has been in the news about the top football job for Maryland,” I said, trying to find something nice to say about the jerk I remembered to be a male chauvinist.

Proudly he said, “The Terrapins hired him. He is heading to Maryland. He wants me to come up there and talk to him about a defensive coordinator position.”

Shocked I said, “You don't need to talk to him about that, we're not moving.”

“I'm not saying I plan to take it, but when we were estranged, Parker and I talked about whichever one of us got a head-coaching job first would look out for the other one. That's my boy, and he is going to need a black face up there dealing with all them knuckleheads. I'm tired of being a position coach,” he said, pleading his case.

“Don't you think you'll get promoted here?” I asked, pleading back.

“I don't even know if my head coach is going to keep his job.”

“You know he will, y'all been winning like crazy. You might get other offers and they might at least be closer than Maryland.”

Stroking my hair, he said, “Baby, I just want to make double my salary as a coordinator. You'd not have to sweat about this book thing. You're going to have another baby and you need to be home. You can still write anywhere. Yeah, your parents won't be there, but they don't even live in Columbia right now anyway. If you're not going to support me, then I need to call Parker back right now and tell him I'm no longer interested.”

As Dillon got up from being close to me, I knew he was angry. Taking my bare body out from under the covers, I went over to the closet and threw on a robe. I was amazed at how my stomach was growing. No wonder my family knew for sure I was pregnant without it having to be verbally confirmed.

As my husband sighed, I knew I had to let him know I was onboard to fully support him. After all, my family was changing. We were always struggling with finances, even with my man bringing in six figures we still barely made it. At the end of paying bills, we didn't usually have a lot of money to save or do hardly anything with. Dillon getting a promotion, moving him into what he always wanted, and that being a head coach in the NCAA, I knew being a coordinator was pretty much a prerequisite. And I had to face the music, how often did black men get an opportunity like that? I certainly didn't want to be out of God's will anymore by not following my man or supporting him. He had turned toward the window and wasn't looking my way anymore.

I went over to him, sat on the side of the bed, and said, “You know what, I'm sorry for thinking so selfishly. Go for it. You deserve to be running a defense.”

As he hugged me, I had confirmation knowing that this was right. Later that evening, my husband was in the basement studying film when the doorbell rang. I had no idea who it could be. I hoped it wasn't any of the relatives, I certainly needed to pick up a few things around the house before having company. I just hadn't felt up to it. I couldn't be happy when I opened the door and saw the face of my girlfriend Josie because her beautiful mocca skin looked weary and her big eyes red. Being that we were on the opposite ends of the city, I knew that something was dramatically wrong.

“What's going on? Why aren't you with your family on Thanksgiving? You okay?” I asked as I let her in.

“I want a divorce, girl. I'm just sick of him and his mama. When she comes to town he loses his mind. I thought I was first, but he went off on me in front of her because she said I erased her messages.”

Knowing that Dillon would be occupied for a long time on the bottom level, I took Josie up to our guest room. No need for him to hear us doing any husband bashing. I was very upset that my girl's husband had disrespected her. Josie was such a strong woman. I very rarely saw her shaken, but as she followed me through my hall she was rambling so incoherently. I knew she was serious about this possible divorce thing.

“Calm down, Josie, maybe you can get him to see he can't dog you,” I said, rationally thinking about her boys without a dad.

“His mom is so dependent on him, Shari. It's so sickening. She told him, in front of my face mind you, that he was crazy to put down family to please his wife. And when I looked at her like I could strangle the heifer, she rolled her eyes at me and left the room. Then my husband got so mad at me,” Josie said with frustration. “It all started the night she got here. She went on and on about how much she missed her grandchildren. But yet she won't even let me and my husband go out on a date. She just wants him to sit up and be in her face all the time.

“How'd you handle that?” I asked.

“You know I give them their little time to run around and do their thing. However, I thought she was going to offer to take the kids somewhere, but she didn't. Just trifling. Then after being influenced by her, he comes trotting to me and tells me we need to give his sister money. The same wench that we had to kick out of our house for being disrespectful and for neglecting my children. That ungrateful chick caused so much drama between me and him, I wouldn't give her a dime.”

“I agree,” I told her.

“And check this out. She wants him to give her money, but she hasn't even called her brother since she left. I ain't giving her jack and I told my husband. I guess he told his mama 'cause that's when she made that snide little comment, like I was going to be shaking in my boots. I guess his mom wants to fight me. He took her side. I just don't even need the headache you know. I got a good job. I bring in more money than he does. I'm leaving.”

I'd always support my girl. I loved her so much and I really agreed with what she was saying, but I couldn't go with the whole thing of her walking out. They needed counseling. Neither one of them were in church. And though it had been a while since I'd been, I daily talked to God.

I just held her hand and said, “You know what, lets pray.”

I had no clue what I was going to ask the Lord. It felt like I needed to say something to her to give her hope. Thankfully, I just lifted up the name of the Lord and the rest poured out of my mouth.

I prayed,
“Lord, I love this girl. Josie's always been here for me . . . always been my rock. And sometimes, Lord, I know the advice she gives me might not really be aligned with Your word. I know it would be so easy for me to say yup leave that man, let him have a taste of what it would be like to live without her, but that's not what Your word says. However, this is hard. Husbands are supposed to leave their fathers and mothers and cling to their wife. He's not doing that. So I just pray for both of their hearts, that they will make You first and then find their way to each other. Help Josie know how much her husband does care for his family. Right now both she and I think he is crazy. But then again, what family ain't. I certainly got some issues with my mother-in-law too. So, Lord, I just pray that maybe she and her husband can start praying together and going to church together more. Start having a heart that wants to please You above all, because if they put You first they'd be fine. I don't want her to walk down that crazy road that I did looking for another to satisfy her. Give her hope in her marriage again, Lord. Show her the way home. In Your precious Son, Jesus' name I do pray.”

“Amen,” she said as she hugged me tight. “You think God can help me.”

“I know He can,” I said as I looked her straight in the face, gripping her hand so tight she knew I was serious.

Two days later I got a phone call from Josie. She and her man were working things out. The mother-in-law had gone home. Her husband had stepped up to the plate and told his mom that she had to respect his house or she couldn't come back. Josie bent and decided to give the sister money, so everybody was happy all the way around.

I was happy for her, but I was a little nervous. It was time for me to go to the doctor's office and get the results. Dillon knew where I was going. Since he didn't say a word to me, I figured he wasn't going. When I grabbed my purse and keys, he stood up, grabbed his coat, and followed me.

“Going to work,” I said to him.

“Naw, babe, I want to be there with you. You don't have to worry, whatever the results are, its our baby. I know you are nervous, you didn't sleep a wink last night. Plus, I'm concerned about you not eating. I want to go with you to this doctor's visit. I claimed it. We are okay.”

Sitting in Dr. Rhymer-Anderson's office, he held my hand as we waited for her to come in. All of a sudden I became very agitated. I couldn't sit down in the chair. I started biting my lip. I went over to the doc's window and just looked out it. This whole mess was crazy. I didn't deserve for it to work out, therefore, my mind was playing tricks on me. I believed it wouldn't.

“I hate this,” I blurted out loud.

Dillon got up and came over to me. He placed his hand around my waist and allowed me to rest my weak body on him. Leaning my head on his chest was comforting.

He said, “Last night, all the tossing and turning you were doing made me get up, go to the window, and close the blinds. I thought maybe all the light was keeping my wife up. But then I got caught in the gorgeous sky. It wasn't like the night before when all the stars made no sense. I looked up at the ones twinkling. The stars clearly spelled out,
all good now.
”

“What do you think that meant,” I asked.

“To me, it meant our life was all good,” he said as he touched my stomach. “It's all good. So don't you fret, baby.”

We heard the door open and female footsteps come in. I squeezed his muscles so hard. She was going to say it was Bryce's baby. Lord, I thought, I'm so sorry.

He whispered in my ear, “It doesn't matter what the doctor tells us. I believe in that constellation.”

“W
ell, based on the embrace I see before me I'd say the two of you don't need my results for a happy ending,” Dr. Rhymer-Anderson said to us.

I couldn't tell what she was going to say next. There was no emphasis in her voice. But she wasn't overly happy either. She was a straightforward person. She motioned for my husband and I to take seats in front of her desk. We did so and continued to hold hands as we awaited the outcome. She opened up a folder and turned it toward us. Showing us some data that neither of us really understood. We weren't scientific people. All we saw was ninety-nine point five percent conclusive, that meant whoever she would say was the father was certainly the father.

Dillon scooted up in his seat. “Doc, I'm an old college football coach, I don't understand that technical stuff. Please spell it out for us.”

“Certainly,” she said, before going off on a tangent. “I went to South Carolina, so first let me say congratulations to the Gamecocks for having such a great season. My husband, who also went to South Carolina, says word's out that we might lose you because you have an offer to become a defensive coordinator. I certainly hope those rumors are not true.”

Dr. Rhymer-Anderson was very good at her job. Though she wasn't a psychologist, she knew what to do to calm my husband down a bit. Yes, he would be supportive, and yes if the baby wasn't his, I truly believed he would keep his word and we'd be a family. But Doc knew he needed to take some deep breaths, probably because the news wasn't in his favor. The best way to do that was to speak his language, not medical science, but football. Her tactic worked as he smiled ear-to-ear and became a little bit more relaxed.

She said, “I'm a big football fan, but I know that's not why you guys are here today. And having delivered both of your girls, I remember there was a little bit of disappointment in the sex. And now you are here for a paternity test. This visit makes my job even harder.”

I squeezed his hand really tight at that moment. I was bracing myself for the bad news to come. She looked at me with a sad expression.

She said, “I have to deal with ladies who can't have children. I see patients with babies that aren't healthy in the womb.”

And as soon as she said that it was like God released my fears. It didn't matter about the sex or the paternity, I just needed the baby to be healthy. I looked at Dillon with a serious glance, he mouthed,
It's okay.

“Oh, maybe I'm not making myself clear,” Doc said, guessing that we were reading her wrong. “That's not the kind of news I have today. It's all good.”

“You mean my baby is healthy?” I said to her, thinking of absolutely nothing else.

“Yes, Shari. Your baby is healthy.”

I embraced my husband so hard I saw veins pop out of his neck.

She said, “But that's not all the good news I have for you guys today.” I looked back at her with watering eyes, as if I was perspiring or something. My face was so moist. She pointed to the chart, and said, “Dillon McCray, it says right here that you're ninety-nine point five percent the father of this baby boy.”

We both just stood up in the doctor's office and screamed. I ran around to her side of the table and hugged her. The Lord had given us a miracle. The angels up in heaven were looking out for us, and when they gave my husband a sign the night before, saying it was all good, they were more than correct.

She went on to talk about her concerns about my eating habits. She told me that if I didn't start taking in more in a week's time, she would have to admit me into the hospital for fluids. With all the stress of the situation, she also was a little concerned about my blood pressure and the baby's heart rate. Thankfully, after a thorough exam, all was better than expected.

Dillon and I were so relieved. However, we wanted our marriage to work more than anything. So we entered couples counseling with Mrs. Kindle's husband.

During a session, Dillon admitted, “I'm so excited, pastor. I just don't want this to happen again in our marriage. The whole infidelity thing almost wiped out our love. And my anger sent her to a place of needing to find comfort in the arms of another. I do wonder if we can really trust each other again to not let the other down.”

“That's normal, son,” Pastor Kindle said as he stood erect in his chair, looking at us both with such eyes of wisdom. “Naturally, there is a side of you that can't trust until you guy's talk about all of this. Though the details may be more than you want to know, honest communication will aid in building back the trust. So, Dillon, I ask you, why do you think your wife needed comfort from another man?”

Scratching his head, he leaned forward and said, “I was hard on her. I wasn't affectionate. Football is my job, which is understandable since it pays the bills, but I kinda made it my world. The mean, nasty mentality that a defensive player needs to have to be ruthless and stop an offense, I displayed in my house. And when my wife made me angry, I was a little too abusive verbally and one time I threw things and punched the wall.”

A tear welled up in his eye. Then it rippled like a peaceful creek being blown by a cool breeze. I slid my body close to him. I knew then that he regretted hurting me.

Dillon continued, “I pushed my wife away. I regret that.”

“That's good, son. Let it out,” pastor said, nodding in approval. “And Shari, why did you feel that your husband couldn't give you all that you needed? What did you do to prevent him from being the husband you longed for?”

Reaching for my husband's hand, I kissed it. “My husband was a tyrant. After my last pregnancy, I felt things going downhill for us. We pulled away from each other. I now know we didn't pray enough and give our early issues over to God. I was so down myself that he couldn't lift me up. Instead of turning to God for my strength and help, I waited for my husband to give me what I now know only God could. When he didn't fill me, I sought refuge with another. The grass looked greener, only to find out it was burned up.”

We looked at one another with sorrow. Our marriage was scarred. Though God's grace had saved us, we knew the mark was there.

“I'm sorry,” I confessed with truth that would pass a lie detector test. “I will never do that again.”

With seriousness, Dillon said, “Can you be sure of that? If I do get the job in Maryland, I don't even know if I should take it. In the early stages, I'd be away from you a lot. How do you know you won't cheat on me again?”

I said, “Honestly, no one knows what the future holds. But I do know I plan to walk with God. I'm trusting Him to help me keep my halo on. I fear Him more than I fear you. And that's how you can believe in me again; trust God to hold me accountable to the vows of our marriage. You know I don't want to move now that we are having a baby. My parents are so close, I've got a good network system here, but baby, I'll go whereever you need me to go. I don't want to be resistant to you anymore. I really want to be the helpmate the Lord called me to be for you. I love you.”

“Hearing you say that, baby, is like a dream come true. I'm sorry for taking my own insecurities out on you, being mad that I didn't get the promotion the year before, bringing all that stuff home. God hadn't left us. I believe we are going to be okay. Pastor, will you do the honors?” Dillon asked.

Reverend Kindle renewed our vows. It wasn't a real ceremony, but for the two of us, it was so symbolic. We were recommitting ourselves to each other again. We were starting fresh. We were blessed to be children of the King and we were blessed to have love that forgave.

Though I was the one that committed the act, I was thankful that my husband saw that he was just as guilty as me. Now with that being washed away, as far as the east is from the west, we were able to focus on what was to come.

“Heavenly Father,”
Reverend Kindle prayed, before we left his office,
“continue to bless this union. May this bride and groom now stay before You to keep their marriage strong. May they keep You as a guide, until their footsteps and a light upon their path show them daily that You're all they need to survive. Give them a clear understanding of Your direction. Show them the joy that comes with being a person that wears the crown of righteousness on straight. Crowns shift, but they are to be worn. We praise You for making the broken, whole again, in Your precious Son, Jesus Christ's name we do pray, amen.”

Dillon and I said amen also. When the pastor instructed Dillon to kiss his bride, it was declared that the kiss sealed our renewed commitment.

 

 

The next day was a good day. I was pumped. My husband was back at work and I had time to love on my girls. Also, I was so thankful to God for everything. After we watched
Barney
tapes, did hair, and played dolls, I was able to put them down for a nap.

As soon as I got back downstairs, my cell phone rang. I rushed to it hoping it wouldn't wake my babies. When I saw the number, I froze like an item that had been in the freezer for weeks. It was Bryce.

Though I knew Dillon wouldn't walk in and hear me talking to him, I knew I needed to cut this whole thing off. Our relationship was like a falling star shooting down from the sky, I needed to get out of the way before it burned me.

“Hello,” I said, after deciding to answer the phone.

“So tell me, am I going to be a dad or what.”

“Quit playing, like you told me, you knew you pulled out before the small explosion. The baby is my husband's.”

It was weird, but he didn't seem relieved that he wasn't tied to me anymore. I, on the other hand was excited that my family was intact. What was up with him, though?

I asked, “Why did you call? You know if it had been your kid I would have told you.”

“Yeah, yeah I believe that. You don't have to be so cold with a brotha'. I thought we were friends. I straightened everything out with the media.”

“And,” I said, almost rushing him to the point to say what he had to say and be done with it.

“
And
. . . I need to talk. I miss you.”

Okay, I was going to handle this conversation. The truth of the matter was, I didn't miss talking to Bryce at all. I had everything I'd ever wanted. I certainly didn't want Bryce to be misled. He had been my friend when I needed one. Though he took advantage, I wanted him then. However, this was now. I had to cut this off. He didn't think twice about my feelings when he got up the next day and said it was over to me. So I didn't have to feel bad needing to do the same. Truth be told, I should have listened to Lacy. She tried to tell me he was no good, but like a fool I had to find out the hard way. Well, I would not be sucked in again.

“Look, dude, we had a good friend time. But when I was with you I left my religion. It was like the halo God gave me when I accepted His Son, was cracked and on the ground. I'm not into that anymore. I may not be perfect, but I at least want to wear my halo,” I said, not caring what he thought about my declaration.

He was quieter than the girls sleeping. They snored. Bryce uttered not a peep.

I continued, “I wish you the best. I'll even be praying for you, but Bryce you can't lean on me. You need to work it out with your wife.”

He ranted, “Yeah, right please. I told you she got with my brother. No, that's over. I'll see my boys, but we are through.”

“Well, take some time to work it out with God then. You used to be one of the best gospel artists out there, now it's all this R&B stuff.”

“And it's not doing that well,” he revealed.

“Well, maybe that's a sign that you need to only sing for Him. I don't know. I've already said more than I should. This is your life and you've got to get it right with God. I can't talk to you anymore.”

“I understand, but I do want to keep in touch with the lady who's now showing me life isn't all about me. Maybe it is God I need. Maybe He's the only one that's right in my life.”

Though I didn't want to talk longer, I knew witnessing about God was permissible. “I thought you could make me happy. But I know God is the only one who can set things right. Life ain't supposed to be easy. God's got a great place for us in the next world. But we got to give ourselves back to Him so we can get there and partake in what He's prepared. We'll have the ups and downs of life until we get home. Take care of yourself,”

“Wow,” he said. “You really don't need me anymore. You sound so confident. I need what you got. Good for you, girl. Good-bye then.”

That closure call felt good. I was no longer hanging onto something I needed from the superstar. I was letting go of all of that. I was living in the truth. Truth that God loved me so that He sent His only Son to get me back on the right path. And along the way He would give me a few extra good nuggets. My life after this crazy storm was more serene then swinging from an old maple tree, feeling the kisses of angels blowing on my face.

Winning the last two football games of the season put us in a BCS bowl. That meant more dollars for the school, a higher ranking, and the possibility to be able to get the national championship.

It was six o'clock in the morning when our phone rang. As I listened to Dillon say a few words, it sounded like he had panic in his voice. The next thing I knew, he was frantically putting on his clothes. He was bumping and stumbling in the darkness until he made his way over to turn on the light.

I said, “What's going.”

“It's coach. He said he urgently needs to talk to me. I don't know if he's got wind of the fact that I'm going up to Maryland for an interview or what. I don't know, this isn't good. I certainly don't want to get fired.”