Wearing My Halo Tilted (15 page)

Seeing some folks in the cast sharing and sniffing an illegal substance, and another group practically dancing nude, I wondered how I ended up in the cast party anyway. I guess I talked myself into believing that just because you're in the house doesn't mean you can't stay strong.

As soon as I found a seat, I saw the eyes of the man I knew I clearly missed. Bryce was talking to Lacy. She had her newly polished nails all over his waist. But they were in a little heated debate as he tried to get away, his frown told me he was agitated. He didn't see me, which was a good thing because the brotha' and I didn't need to talk. Old school music was playing. When I listened a little closer, I could make out the O'Jays singing.

I got very hungry seeing the spread of food. It looked delicious. There was only one problem stopping me from going over and piling up my plate, I had to cross Bryce in order for me to get there.

I just kept looking at the lobster, then I heard a “What? What, you're ignoring me? It's her you want, huh?” I knew Lacy's voice. “That witch is married.”

Okay, how much of this was I supposed to take? I knew she was talking about me and when I heard “oohs” and “ahhs'” from the crowd and the O'Jays last note stopped when the DJ stopped the music, I realized I should've stuck with my first intuition and not have come here in the first place. Something in me gave me the strength to keep walking. As soon as I picked up the glass plate, Lacy came over and knocked it out of my hand.

“You know I was talking about you!” Lacy screamed and spit in my face.

When I looked in her eyes, I saw that they were big and puffy. Seeing she was still in pain, I wondered if I could walk away and be the bigger person? I looked down at my hand and saw blood. She'd actually cut me when she knocked the plate out of my hand.

“I'm bleeding!” I yelled out, showing her what she'd done.

“I'm sorry but Bryce just wants you. I'm gonna tell you what he's gonna do. He's going to dump you like he did—”

Just then Bryce cut in front of her, and said, “That's enough, Lacy. You're drunk and you're making a fool out of yourself. That's enough.” Bryce rubbed my back and ushered me away from the crowd. “Come on. Let me take care of your hand.”

He led me into the hallway. Using a handkerchief out of his suit pocket, he wrapped it around my gushing red index finger. He was overly attentive.

“Thanks, but I'll be okay. You need to work that out with her. She probably has a lot more issues.”

“Let's not even talk about her. I missed you. I've been calling you, but you've been avoiding me. I didn't know where you planned on going since the play's done.”

“I need to take a vacation and just get away from everything before I go home. I'm so close to Napa Valley that I've got to go,” I said as I backed away from him.

He pulled me back. He kissed me like I hadn't been kissed in a long time. While the hairs on my back stood straight, I didn't want the moment to end.

Then I pulled away. “I've gotta get back to the hotel.”

“It's too late to be going home by yourself. Let me walk with you.”

“What about the cast party?” I said, just before he kissed me again.

“Does it seem like I care 'bout the cast party? The only thing I care about is being with you.” When he kissed me again, I knew we had to go together.

 

 

Three glasses of champagne later my shirt was off, and he was halfway done having my bra unbuttoned. This wasn't my plan, but Bryce and I had a connection that couldn't wait for a hotel room. He was teasing me and having his way with me in the back of the limo. It was one
AM
and we wasted no time heading to the winery less than an hour away.

I hadn't made any arrangements or anything for where I was going to stay, but he told me not to worry about a thing. And a good thing about the play tour was that our bags had to be packed at the end of every performance. So all we had to do was scoop up our stuff and keep moving.

“You want this, don't you, baby?” his husky voice breathed in my ear.

I wanted something like pure sex but I didn't know if that was the actual answer. I didn't stop. I couldn't stop. And when he made me squeal with his finger, I wanted more.

I finally told him, “Lets get there. Talk to me.”

“I want you, baby, can't you tell?”

I couldn't explain what I was feeling. Part of me was having issues with this. My mind started playing tricks on me. I saw my husband's face replacing Bryce's. Quickly, I went to the other side of the limo. Like a scavenger searching for food, I reached for my garments.

“You're okay, Shari, trust me,” he said, finally realizing I was having trouble with this whole thing.

As I rocked back and forth, I wondered what I had really gotten myself into. This was feeling too good, but feeling so darn wrong at the same time. What in the world was next? He put his hands around me and laid my head on his husky chest and sang a sweet love song in my ear until we both fell asleep.

“You're room is ready,” was the next thing both of us heard from the limo driver.

“A'ight, man, we'll be out in a second,” Bryce said as he noticed I wasn't fully dressed. “We're here, beautiful.”

He kissed my brow and the passion for him rose again. Yes, he was charming, but nothing he fed me felt like a line. Hand in hand we exited the luxury vehicle staring each other down.

“I'm glad we are doing this,” I said as we made our way to the grand antebellum entrance.

“I plan to make it a time you won't forget.” He sat me down in a cushy-faux chair and checked us in.

“It's just how you asked on the phone, sir,” the owner said. “This way.”

Following the owner up to our suite, and getting instructions about how to work the fireplace, Bryce tipped him and closed the door. Candles were all over the room burning brightly and a sweet song was playing softly in the background. I couldn't see much, but I could see him taking off his clothes and that bronze brown chest with muscles everywhere.

“Close your eyes,” he told me.

As I tasted the juicy cold strawberry and sweet whipped cream dabbled all across my face. He licked off the remains. I reminisced on the unbuttoned shirt in the limo and without looking touched the bare chest in front of me. Opening my eyes, I saw love and desire illuminating from his. When he kissed me, that confirmed what I thought I felt. He blew out the last candle and we made slow gentle love in the darkness.

H
ow do you know when you might be in love with someone?
I thought to myself as I ran my fingers down Bryce's back after our paradise moment, I felt more than good. But for the cool morning, the guy on top of me was relatively silent. If I had my way, he would've said,
I'm so glad we're together. Girl, you've got me hooked.

I had so much to lose by joining Bryce in this act. Being married I was used to not using protection so I didn't make him put anything on. However, none of the consequences particularly mattered when he found my spot and made me join him in moaning. It was so pleasurable I could hardly stay still to let myself enjoy it.

Our time lasted for hours. Laying my head on his chest felt so comfy, I felt secure in his arms. Though I didn't have all the answers of what was yet to come, I didn't need them because I knew that with Bryce, everything would be okay. Things wouldn't be easy, but the enjoyment felt solidified that none of this was wrong. Soon it would be completely right because of how we felt for one another. Even though he hadn't openly come out and confessed his undying love and affection for me, the physical way he set me on fire told me more than a few words ever could. As I pulled up the crisp white sheet, to take off some of the September chilled air, Bryce sorta shook me off him and rolled over.

“Whoa,” I said, playing with his belly button as I tried to lean him back my way. “I want you to hold me.”

Harshly, he said, “It's five something. I need me a couple of hours of sleep before I head back. You need to do the same.”

“You can sleep with me in your arms,” I said as I continued trying to turn him around, but he didn't budge.

He just tugged his arm away from mine and ignored my request. He didn't have to say, “I'm serious, leave me alone darn it.” Because seeing his body language said more and hurt me to my core.
What have I done?
I said to myself as the distance I felt between us was so opposite to the act we had just performed. My mind kept playing tricks on me, I heard my unsympathetic husband say, “Was it ever worth it? Putting our marriage on the line, pretty much destroying it, by being with another man when it's clear he doesn't even care about you.”

And then I imagined hearing the callous voice of my mom, “I didn't raise a tramp. No protection, Shari. I hope you don't contract some disease from that user.”

Josie's words came to mind, “Now we've been through a lot and seen a lot of jokers. Have fun, but be smart, and girl don't fall in love. You know whatever he says he probably doesn't care about you.”

“He does care.” I started fighting the voices back by saying it aloud.

I was kicking off the covers. My fist was hitting the air. I guess I was asleep myself and didn't even realize it.

Bryce woke me, and said, “Who cares? What are you saying? Did you hit me?”

Both of us were out of it. He wiped his eyes. I saw him glance my way and I grabbed the covers. When we sat up in the bed, I had to ask him some questions.

“Wait a minute, you really do care about me, right? We're gonna be together, I mean as a couple and stuff. This just wasn't a one-time thing. Tell me Bryce this was real. I know you have kids, I have kids too, and we'll just be a big happy family together.”

“Calm down,” he said as he put his arms around me and I wiped up my sweaty body with the cover. “You're talking crazy, girl.”

He reached over and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Then he stood up and I watched his bare body walk across the room to the minibar. He pulled out a chilled bottle of water, unscrewed the cap, and smiled at me as he handed it to me. He held my other hand in his.

He said, “Now let's talk about what's bothering you.”

It was now seven thirty and I was hoping I'd misread him a bit earlier. Either way, I had to talk to him. I didn't wanna walk away with guilt on my conscience. I needed some kind of understanding.

“Was it good,” I asked, wondering why he'd stepped back.

“Yeah, baby, it was real nice. Want more?” he asked as he lunged toward me.

Touching his muscular mocha chest, I sat him back down. “I'm in love with you. Not just physically though, Bryce.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” he said, standing up again, and I could barely concentrate by the view before me. My mind was all messed up.

“You ain't talkin' about being tied down or nothing like that? You're not freaking out about nothing like that, are you? I hope you're not trying to say I misled you.”

He kept on and on. I guess there was something in my body language that told him that what he suspected I thought, was correct. I did want more. If he didn't, he'd misled me. I couldn't even look at him. It wasn't because what was before me was so enticing, but it was because what was before me clearly wasn't mine.

“Are you saying you don't want an intense relationship with me?” I asked, holding back tears.

“If I had to answer that right now, the answer would be no. I mean we're still married. And not to each other.”

“I'm starting to feel unwanted,” I said.

“You're just like Lacy. I can't believe you're all whiny and possessive and sh—”

“Wait,” I said, cutting him off. “Don't curse at me. I'm nothing like your costar. I don't know what the two of you guys did together and what she accepted, but I don't know why you thought I'd be cool doing this and then accept merely a friendship. Of course I'm upset. For me, it's a little bit deeper than that, Bryce.”

“Well, you should've told me something in the beginning because I never sent love signs. For me it was just sex. I was just being a man,” he said, shrugging his shoulders like I had a problem he couldn't fix. “I'm gonna go take a shower. I suggest you finish that cold water 'cause you have some cooling off to do.”

I sat up, grabbed the bottle and vented. “You did show me signs. Saying all the right things, being more attentive than any man I'd ever met. Helping my career to rise. I thought that you loved me. I thought that the way you pursued me with genuine zeal was real. I just gave you everything. I don't give my all to friends.”

“We were just satisfying each other, but being a couple? Honestly, Shari, it's way too early for any of that. I am certainly not looking for that right now. We won't even see each other. You're going back to your home and I've gotta go back and work out this mess with my wife, because I'm trying not to have her take me to court. And me loving you? You're talking crazy.”

He abruptly left the room, went into the bathroom, and shut the door. When I heard the old, steel handle lock, I plumped down on the bed and just wept. My life felt over.

Lord,
I prayed.
“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. What have I done? How did I fall into this mess? Lord, why do I feel so worthless? So confused?”

When I heard the water turn off in the bathroom, I stayed on my knees believing in God for a miracle that somehow He could turn this whole thing around and work it out. I didn't budge, my knees were clutched together. I did look up though. I wanted to be facing Bryce as soon as he exited out of the bathroom, but my actions didn't faze him. In fact, they set him off even more.

As I could no longer concentrate on my prayer, I had to block out his words, “Oh, so you think pretending like you're praying is gonna affect a brotha'? Girl, your married behind just slept with another married person. Don't act like you're all Christ-like up in here. I been through it all when I was in the bathroom, and it seems like it's gonna be best to cut this completely off now. I don't want you calling my phone trying to find my house number and calling me there. We don't even need to be friends. We're through.”

He gathered his clothes quicker than a track gold medalist runs the one hundred meters. It hurt that he wanted to leave so bad. He made a call.

“What?” He paused. “Mel, are you sure she followed me with a PI? This is crazy.”

I didn't understand what he was talking about nor could I take his woes. My tears grew as I quickly got off my knees and went into the bathroom. This time I was the one who locked the door, wishing I could lock away all of my doubts, thoughts, problems, and uncertainties at the same time, but this was my reality. I had to face the music of the song I had written for myself. I didn't think anything was going to help me. But I turned on the hot water and, for almost thirty minutes, I stood in the shower and let the water and steam relax me the best it could.

When I came out of the bathroom, I found a note and four hundred dollars in cash. The note read:

No verbal good-bye, no “I'm sorry,” and no thoughts about what we did. He was gone. It wasn't a joke and it certainly hurt worse. Getting a much colder shoulder than I ever got from Dillon. Though my marriage was rocky, at least it was stable. Dillon might not want to cuddle after sex, but he'd never left me. Now what was I going to do? I got back up in bed, balling up in a knot.

The next time I looked at the clock, it was 5:50
PM
. I'd slept the day away. With all the traveling and emotional stress of the last twenty-four hours, it was no wonder I was so out of it. But after taking another shower, I checked my messages on my cell. Though I didn't want to set myself up for a let down, a small part of me believed that Bryce was coming back. That he couldn't just leave things like this. We had something special. Our time together here couldn't be over.

“No,” I said out loud, wishing I was drunk to numb the pain.

So I picked up my cell, entered in the codes, and listened to four messages.

“Hey, Shari,” the country, sweet voice of my grandmother played. “I miss you, baby. I'm just touching base with you. Sally May, you know my friend up the street, said her granddaughter saw your book in the store. Ooh, you're making me so proud. Alright, I'm just touching base. Call me, sweetie. You know Grandmamma loves you now. Bye.”

Hearing her voice made me lie back on my pillow, wishing I could lay my head on her bosom. She would stroke my face and tell me everything was gonna be alright. Wishing she could make me some of her sweet tea as well, though it was ice cold and not warm, the love she put into it made it right on point. But I couldn't have any of that to drink. This time I had gotten myself in so thick that it would take more than her tea to get me out of it. But I was certainly thankful for hearing her voice. Somebody loved me and that felt good. I knew my streak of hearing good remarks wouldn't last long.

My agent, Tina, came on saying, “Where are you, where are you? This is ridiculous that I can't get you. I need that book and I need it now. I'm going to call your house because the play is over and I'm sure you're there working on it. Now, you need to pick up the phone and at least tell me something! This unresponsiveness is going to make me want to drop you.”

I immediately wanted to say something back to her like,
I can't be available to you every minute you call.
But I knew there were two problems with that. One, it was a machine so I couldn't respond to a taped message, and two, if I did tell her that, she'd put me down for sure. Or put me at the back of her list and not do everything she could to move me forward. Though she was a strong Christian woman, at least she cared about making her authors large. I'd watched her tick off publishers when they didn't pick up books she thought they should, but her harsh tactics made them rethink their decisions most of the time.

Anyway, I wasn't in a position to want her to let me go. So I figured I'd let myself cool down and hope and pray that she really didn't follow through and call my house. I had no idea where my husband was. The last thing I wanted to do was have him find out that I was supposed to be home when I was actually clear across the country.

Then the sweet voice of my best friend, Josie, was next to leave an urgent message. She sounded to hyped. I heard loud music in the background.

“Girl, I met this good-looking man. He has kids, I have kids, and girl, he's up in the skating rink flirting something awful. Call me immediately. I need you to talk me out of this before I do something crazy. You're the one that never acts on an impulse. You been with fine Bryce Maddox all this time and haven't moved forward. If you can do that, I know I can tell this man to leave me alone. But, girl, looking at his abs it's hard. And plus, my husband is still acting crazy about his trifling sister. Ring me up for real.”