Weightless (18 page)

“Not yet,” he answered gruffly. “But I have to believe one day he will. Or believe she’s dead. I alternate between the two daily.”

My eyes skated over his skin as he breathed steadily, trying to calm himself. I watched his chest rise and fall, watched the muscles in his back strain and stretch against the thin fabric of his cut off shirt. I guess I should have been disgusted with his confession about the women from the club, but I only found myself yearning to take away the pain his words were laced with. I knew what it felt like to be embarrassed, to feel not good enough.

Before I knew what I was doing, my fingers reached out, touching the smooth skin of his forearm. He stiffened as I slid them lower, wrapping them around his wrist. He lifted his head to watch me and I tilted his wrist toward the ceiling, my heart thumping loudly in my ears. It was the first time I’d been brave enough to touch him.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered again. Rhodes’ nose flared, his eyes closed tight. I was shaking, unsure of the movements my body was so confidently making without me, but Rhodes was perfectly still. Carefully, my fingers found the inside of his wrist and I pressed hard. “I can feel your heart too, Rhodes. You’re more than what you think you have to be.”

His forehead wrinkled as if my words had caused him pain and his eyes connected with mine, staying there for a moment, studying me, asking me for something before they fell even slower than before to rest on my lips. My stomach dropped as his breath came harder and mine did, too — like we were breathing in a fire, filling our lungs with smoke, starving for oxygen. It was the first time I admitted it to myself.

I wanted Rhodes to kiss me.

I waited, my fingertips still pressed into the inside of his wrist. He leaned forward, just a fraction, barely enough for me to notice but enough to make both our heartrates beat faster. I felt his through the vein in his wrist and mine thumping loudly in my ears. When I licked my lips, Rhodes closed his eyes again and let out a frustrated breath through his nose. His rough hand trailed down my arms and hooked around my hand on his wrist, gripping it for just a moment before pulling it away.

“We should eat.”

He dropped my arm to the sofa and stood, making his way into the kitchen. I just sat there, my breath still shaky, my lips parted. A wave of embarrassment crashed over me, strong and merciless.

I’d tried to kiss Rhodes, and he’d denied me.

I crossed my arms over my chest and fought against whatever emotion was rising in me, but it was too late. My cheeks hot, I shot up from the couch and hastily grabbed my bag from the floor.

“I’m actually not hungry.”

“Natalie,” Rhodes started but I didn’t even turn to acknowledge him. The door slammed behind me, and I wasn’t sure if it was intentional or not but I didn’t stop to contemplate it. I didn’t stop at all until I was in my car and halfway down the road. The tires on the Rover screeched as I whipped into the parking lot of a Circle K, throwing the car into park and letting my head fall to the steering wheel.

I thought I knew what it was to be embarrassed, to feel like a naïve little girl, but nothing compared to what I felt as I tried to keep myself together in that parking lot. I squeezed my eyes shut, forced them open, tried with everything I had left in me to breathe normally under the wave. But I couldn’t fight it anymore. I was surrendering. I was letting it take me under.

And it was in that moment that I realized Rhodes was like lightning. White hot and electric, but fleeting and dangerous. Beautiful to watch, but perilous to touch.

But it was too late for warning signs.

I’d been struck.

Rhodes cancelled our training the next day and I weighed in with a female trainer I’d only seen around the club a few times. Her name was Sophia and she had beautiful tan skin and the tightest body I’d ever seen. I lost another four pounds, and though I should have been happy about it, I couldn’t find it in me to feel anything other than disappointed. Because as embarrassed as I was about the night before, I still wanted Rhodes to be there for the weigh-in. Since it had been three weeks, Sophia took my measurements, too — for the first time since I’d started training. I was down inches in every area, and officially, I was a size twelve.

I didn’t even celebrate with a smile.

Sophia trained me for an hour after the weigh-in, but her session was a cakewalk compared to Rhodes’. When he cancelled again on Monday, I didn’t even go to the club. I ran my neighborhood, instead. Twice. I ran and ran until my legs were numb and my watch hit quadruple digits, then I collapsed in my driveway, staring up at the blue Carolina sky. Clicking the record button on my watch, I decided to talk — even if it wasn’t to an actual person.

“My muscles hurt today, but not half as bad as my heart,” I started, but then shook my head, realizing how stupid I was being. I didn’t need to impress the watch with my words. So, I started speaking freely. “I don’t know what is going on in my head.” I sighed. “I can’t stop thinking about Mason. I know he’s with Shay, but not seeing them together has made it easier to pretend that maybe he’s not. I want to believe that everything I’m doing to change my life is completely for me but then I think about him and her and I just…” My voice faded off and I watched as a soft white cloud slowly floated in front of the sun, granting me temporary relief from its rays. “He was my best friend. I don’t know how to lose him and Willow, both.” I swallowed. Saying the words out loud scared me and for the first time I wondered if I truly wanted to be with Mason or if I just didn’t want to be alone.

“And then there’s Rhodes.” Just saying his name sent a familiar pang through my chest. “I don’t know what to even say about him.” I let the watch record nothing but my breathing for a moment. “He makes me so angry, like I’m forcing him to be my friend. But the truth is that I went into this whole thing knowing that wasn’t the case.
He
was the one who made me feel that way, because he invited me over. And he gave me advice. And he made me believe he cared about me.” I sighed. “I don’t know. He just makes me feel like maybe I have the ability to be someone I only dreamed I could be. He makes me feel powerful, strong, and sometimes… beautiful.” I blinked, knowing I was about to admit it out loud for the first time. “And I wanted him to kiss me.”

A twinge kicked in my stomach and I sat upright, ending the voice recording on my watch. I had a headache from trying to figure everything out. Talking about it didn’t help like I thought it would. Maybe it was because I was talking to myself instead of someone who could offer resolution.

Sighing, I slowly lifted my sore body from the concrete of the driveway and walked to the house, dialing Willow as I did. She didn’t answer and I remembered she was still at orientation. And Mom and Dale were still out of town.

I felt as lonely and empty as the house I lived in.

Rhodes finally showed up for our training session on Tuesday afternoon. He was drenched in sweat when I got to the gym and I had a feeling he’d already been there for hours. His fiery eyes caught mine as soon as I walked in and my legs were instantly weak. I wasn’t sure if it was from my run the day before or the conflicting emotions running across his face, but I felt like I would fall to my knees at any moment. When I somehow managed to make it to him, I dropped my gym bag to the floor.

Rhodes didn’t say anything at first. He wiped the sweat from his face with a small white towel and tucked it into the back of his shorts, frowning as his eyes fell down my body. I swore every part of my skin ignited as his eyes raked over me.

“New clothes?”

I laughed, rolling my eyes and crossing my arms hard over my chest. “Really? That’s the first thing you’re going to say to me?” Rhodes had a way of bringing out someone inside me who had never existed before. I was bold around him — unabashedly bold. It felt strange and incredible at the same time.

Rhodes swallowed. “We need to train, Natalie. I’ve been out for two days.”

“Oh I’m Natalie now? I’m not
Bug
anymore? And you’re right.” I pointed at his chest. “
You’ve
been out for two days. Why was that? Did you not show because of Saturday night?” It was like violent word vomit that I couldn’t control. Rhodes confused me, and I couldn’t figure out why I allowed him to make me feel embarrassed and sad one moment but then angry as hell the next. Before seeing him in the gym again, I felt like I had myself together. I thought when I eventually did see him, I’d be fine. But the truth was that I wanted to yell at him, to get a reaction out of him — any reaction.

Instead, he just sat there, looking calm and collected and completely unaffected by me standing my ground.

“I had some things to take care of.” He nodded toward the treadmill next to him. “Climb on and bump the incline up to four, speed two. Let’s get you warmed up.”

“So we’re going back to you just being my trainer? Is that what this is?”

Rhodes let out a frustrated sigh and jumped off the treadmill, landing hard in front of me. His eyes leveled with mine beneath a scowl. “I
am
just your trainer. Now you can either get on the damn treadmill and warm up or you can walk out. Either way, I’m getting paid. The choice is yours.” He snagged my empty water bottle from my hands and walked to the water fountain, filling it up along with his own.

I pursed my lips, but decided not to argue further. Once again, I felt a little embarrassed by my actions. He’d made me feel like a friend… maybe even something more. But now he was insisting he was just my trainer and I his client — nothing more, nothing less. I shook my head, trying to clear it. I needed to train after being away from him for two days and more than that, I
wanted
to train. I wanted to work out every ounce of anger, pain, and sadness I had inside me. And at that moment, I had enough to work for hours.

So we did.

Every time Rhodes tried to end the training session, I begged him for more. I was exhausted, I threw up, my legs and arms were cramping but I didn’t stop. Every drop of sweat seemed to take a tiny ounce of my frustration with it as it rolled off the tip of my nose. When I worked my body, my mind was silent — and that’s exactly what I wanted.

Finally, after just shy of four hours, Rhodes called it.

“You have to stop, Natalie. You need rest. Go shower and change.”

“I’m hitting the pool,” I said softly, wiping the sweat from my face and reaching for my bag. Rhodes’ hand darted out and caught my wrist.

“I’m serious. You’re done for the day.”

“I don’t want to stop,” I said loudly, standing up as tall as I could to look him in the eye. “I have a lot of shit going on right now and the only time I’m not thinking about all of it is when I’m here.”

Rhodes’ brows pulled down over his eyes and he released his grip. “Fine. But let’s at least go to the sauna, instead. You don’t have to go home and it’ll be good for your muscles. Deal?”

I nodded, grabbed my bag, and stormed toward the locker room. After quickly changing into my one-piece, I joined Rhodes in the sauna. But when I swung the door open and the heat hit me in a rush, I was still somehow frozen in place.

Rhodes was the only one inside and I faltered at the sight of him.

Every inch of his body was covered in a thin sheen of sweat, making his skin glow in the soft, warm light of the sauna. His bright eyes contrasted the darkness and the only clothing he wore was a lone white towel wrapped around his lower half. He was bent over, elbows on his knees, just like he’d been on Saturday night when I’d been bold enough to touch him for the first time. To wish for his lips on mine. When he saw me, his mouth parted slightly and he glanced briefly at my curves before snapping his eyes back to mine. His jaw tensed and I watched him swallow, his Adam’s apple straining in his throat.