What Brings Me to You (33 page)

              Breathe. Breathe. This can’t be happening. Breathe.
“Oh my God.” After everything he said to me, wrote to me. It was all lies. Every word of it. He’d used me as a diversion, a distraction from his precious, fucking Lacey and I’d fallen for it. Again. Claire had been right. I knew, somewhere deep inside that he wouldn’t show. That the gravity of the situation was too much for him. Too
real
for him. He’d go running back into his fake, plastic, comfort zone given the first chance. He’d let me down for the last time.

              I was so stupid. I went running after him, knowing in my gut that he’d find a way to let me down when I had you all along. You. You who saved me from myself countless times. You who let me put my guard down and protected me. You who respected me and cared for me. I had to take a minute from hating his guts to thank Teddy because if it weren’t for him and his idiocy we may not have ended up together. Instead he pushed me headlong into a relationship with you.

              “Honey, I’m so sorry.”

              “No need to be, mom,” I said trying to sound resolute which wasn’t really working.

              “Honey, I don’t have a lot of motherly advice to give,” she said reaching across the table to give my hand a squeeze. “God knows I’ve made a lot of mistakes when it comes to love and relationships, but I hope that you can learn from them. Take it from me: he’s got to love you more than you love him for it to work.”

              I gave her a half-hearted smile. She was right. She of all people would know that. Teddy didn’t love me, or if he did, it wasn’t more than I loved him. It wasn’t enough. My love for him felt all-consuming. Like I would drop everything if he came calling. I kind of did, and I was sorely rewarded.
Stupid
. “I see that now,” I said back to her fully meaning it. I saw the error of my ways. I’d let my foolish, treacherous heart lead me into Teddy’s charms. You, Jaime, you demonstrated in everything that you loved me more. You wanted the best for me. Wanted to protect me from emotional and physical harm. I’d never had that. Not from my mother, or anyone who was supposed to protect me, and I realized that was all I ever wanted. Someone to look out for me. To worry about me. The only person Teddy ever worried about was himself.  I realized then, that a part of me would always feel something for Teddy, if only because he was the first person outside of the family to ever know the truth about my past, but it wasn’t the same. It couldn’t ever be the same.

              I loved you, Jaime. It was a different kind of love than what I felt for Teddy and I convinced myself it was better because it stemmed from a different place. It wasn’t the passionate, burning insides kind of love and I knew that you weren’t that kind of man. I also knew that kind of love was dangerous. It made people do crazy things. It made my mother stay with Paul after she’d messed up. It made Teddy run back to Lacey at any given chance. I couldn’t do that. This type of love was safe, and that’s all I cared about. Being safe. I knew you’d always protect me.

              I checked my email one last time for anything from him. An apology. An explanation. Even if it was just to say that he didn’t really love me. But there was nothing. I blocked him so I wouldn’t have to see anything he ever sent again (if he decided to send anything, which I doubted highly) and I thanked God that he never found out where I lived.

I borrowed Colin’s beater and drove to your apartment. I’d only ever been there once but I remembered the way. I wasn’t even sure if you’d be home but I didn’t care. I had to see you. Before I climbed the steps to the door I heard you coming up the street. You’d been out for a run, you were dripping with sweat, your hair was shaggy in your eyes which looked so much brighter and clearer than usual.

              “Jaime,” I started. You closed the gap between us in a few quick steps. You were so close I could feel your breath on my face but you kept your arms firmly planted at your sides.

              “I’m sorry I left this morning. You were in pretty bad shape last night, I wasn’t sure how much you’d remember and I didn’t want to scare you being in your bed first thing.”

              “You could never scare me, Jaime.”

              “Charley--“ I closed what little space was left between us and put my arms around your narrow waist, pressing my cheek against your sticky chest. Your body went rigid and you didn’t reciprocate.

              “I am not going to beat around the bush Charley, I want to touch you very much. But after last night, and everything else, I want to respect you and go slow. I don’t want you to feel like I’m taking advantage of your vulnerability.” I knew you were trying to be respectful and you were protecting my perceived innocence, but part of me was a bit insulted by it. I wanted you to be so overcome you couldn’t stop yourself from touching me. Then I remembered how I behaved with Teddy and knew this was the start of a healthy, mature adult relationship where people can exercise some restraint. You were so good at it. You empowered me; gave me complete control the direction of the relationship. Instead of kiss you, I let go and took a half step backward to hold your hand.

CHAPTER TWENTY

Teddy

              I woke up my mouth tasting like I had been sucking on cotton. Everything hurt, but the most immediate was a painful and persistent hammering in my head. I pressed my palms to either side of my temples to get the pounding to stop but nothing helped. This was not a usual hangover.
How much did I drink.
Yes, I was pretty faced when I left the bar, but the call from mom sobered me up considerably. I did have a brandy with Lacey to calm her down, but I’d never felt quite so awful as I did: like my brain was swollen and trying to seep out of my ears. It was daylight. I didn’t even remember it getting dark.
Jesus, how long was I out?
I rolled to my side to see the time. That’s when I knew I wasn’t where I should be. That’s when I knew something went horribly and irreversibly wrong.

              I was in your room. In your bed. In nothing but my boxers.
What the hell?
Then in you came, carrying two bottles of water. Wearing nothing but my shirt;
the shirt I picked out just for Charley
, I thought. It was tainted, now; tarnished with blackened tear stains on the shoulder from your mascara the night before. I bolted straight up searching the floor for my jeans.
I have to get out of here. Holy shit, what did I do? I have to go. Where the hell are my pants!

              “Hey sleepy head,” you cooed in that voice that, in the past, made me do whatever you wanted. At that moment, all I wanted was my pants and possibly a toilet to vomit in.

              “Lacey, I don’t have time for this. Where are my clothes.”

              “Where are you running off to, baby?”

              “What the hell happened last night?”

              “You don’t remember?”

              “Jesus, Lacey, just tell me the fucking truth! Where’s Andy?”

              “He’s asleep.

              “He’s asleep? Where the hell was he?”

              “Mom and I both forgot that he was in Miami for a meeting. He came home late last night.” You said so dismissively, like I hadn’t just fucked up my relationship with Charley to come to you for that “emergency” and then for it to be no big deal.

              “You FORGOT?”

              “Jesus, calm down Teddy! He’s safe everyone is okay. I mean, you’re no worse for wear so…”

              “Oh my god, you..you..played me? You lied about Andy being missing to get me over here?” Your silence was answer enough. Then things started to click into place pretty rapidly. The recent years your behavior had become erratic and desperate. I chocked it up to living on another coast and working all the time. You were so much clingier than usual and when I saw you in the mall, we hadn’t spoken or seen each other in months in part because of Charley but in part because I was annoyed by you. What once was an easy lay was turning into a drama. You expected me to cuddle you and listen to you talk my ear off about HCI and what I should do and who I should be and I just couldn’t handle it. I thought that our relationship was a mutual use and be used kind of thing but it was becoming increasingly more…emotional? Then I remembered the picture in my car and my head the pounding in my head.
You’re not any worse for wear,
you said.
Holy shit!
“Did you, did you
drug me?
”

              “Oh come on Teddy, it’s not like you’ve never done it.”

              “Are you out of your mind! Look, I may have slept around but I never EVER even considered drugging someone. Holy shit, Lace, that’s all kind of fucked up…” I was losing it. I never even entertained the idea of hitting a woman but I wanted to deck you, Lace. It took every ounce of restraint not to. I pushed away from you and paced the length of the room while you watched me apathetically.

              “You know what, Teddy? I don’t care! I had to do something drastic, I mean, you were about to go
meet
her! You were about to start up that thing again with
her
! I wasn’t about to let you go through with it.”

              “What are you talking about?”

              “I talking about you screwing up our future! I’m talking about you being ass over elbows for some mixed race hanger on. I mean, really? Charley Feinman? Could you pick anyone worse for us?”

              “Lacey you better start talking sense or I swear to god…oh my god, did we Did we sleep together?” Silence. Again. “We did didn’t we? Oh my god, oh my god! Did you use protection?” I wanted you to say anything. Any indication that we did but all you did was avert your eyes from mine. “You’re bat-shit crazy aren’t you, Lacey! You drug me and then use me to try and get knocked up? Christ was I even conscious? Never mind, I don’t want to know. Christ!” I didn’t know if I should be relieved, mortified, or disgusted so I settled on something in between. You were coming closer. Slinking your body in that way that you knew could drove me nuts.

              “We need to talk, Teddy,” you purred.

              “No we don’t. Give me my shirt! We are so done! How could you do this to me, Lacey? How could you do this
to me?
Jesus, I know we’ve had some issues but this, this is, inconceivable. Not to mention that because I chose to be here with you in what I
thought
was your time of need I …I…God, do you know what being here with you has cost me?” Your cooing, purring, seductress act went by the wayside and you replaced it with the cold-hearted bitch I’d learned to hate.

              “What about what it costs me? God, Teddy, you need to get your shit together and grow the hell up. I’m here hustling, looking out for my future. You’re a big part of that, always have been but your too busy doing being a “doctor” (yes she put that in air quotes) and gallivanting with that gold digging half-breeed coon to take anything seriously.” For the second time in so many minutes I wanted to sock you, Lacey. Instead I yanked on my pants and headed for the door without my shirt.

              “Shut the hell up, Lacey! Oh my god! I need to get out of here. You grabbed me by my waist and I was repulsed. Your touch literally made my skin crawl.

              “Oh please, don’t look so surprised. You talk too much when you’re drunk.”

              “Drugged! You fucking drugged me! And I don’t give a shit if you know about me and Charley. I love her!”

              “Jesus, Teddy, where is your head? Charley Feinman? Are you serious? That girl is no good for you or for us.”

              “You can just stop right there, there is no us. Hasn’t been for a long time, and won’t ever be again. I can’t even look at you right now, Lacey. This is so low. I knew I this wasn’t love but, damn I thought we were friends.”

              “Oh God! Don’t be so sentimental, Gunther.” you scoffed then waved your hand like you were clearing away smoke. Maybe you were. Finally clearing away the gassy, bullshit of our relationship. You didn’t love me, that I knew. You were using me all those years, that I also knew, too. What we had was lust and a twisted sense of obligation or loyalty. What we had was convenient and toxic. Your words  confirmed that what I had with Charley was real and I was so angry with you for the timing. Just when I had it all figured out, I’d ruined my last chance with her and I hated you. It wasn’t love/hate anymore, it was just plain old hate/hate.

              “I wasn’t talking about you and me. It’s actually a relief to finally say that out loud. I was talking about your family, my family and HCI.”

              “Oh brother,” That’s what your draw was to me, that’s what the drugging and the fucking was about. I rolled my eyes because it always went back to HCI with you and you’d stooped to a sadistic low to get what you wanted.

              “Teddy, I know you don’t care about the company and I really don’t understand why, but I don’t give a shit, either. You’re going to listen to me because the decisions you’ve making are going to have serious and dire ramifications unless you make me some promises right now.”

              “Oh my god, if this is another ‘responsibility’ speech then you can forget it. I don’t want to hear it. For the last time I don’t give a shit about HCI.”

              “What about Mickey? What about your mother?”

              “What about them? Why would you dare bring them into this?” You let out a frustrated groan and closed your eyes.

              “Your father owns fifty-one percent of HCI.”

              “You’re losing me, Lace.”

              “When you turn twenty-five, those shares are going to you.”

              The room tilted and I got a little woozy and it wasn’t my hangover or the vestiges of the drugs in my system that did it. “Me? Why me?”

              “I know you love Mickey, bless his heart, but your father knows, as well as you and I do, that he can’t run this company. Your mother? Please. The only thing she’s fit to run is the dishwasher. That’s why the shares are going to you. That’s why he’s so hard on you and why he pushed you for so long, because you’re the only one who can handle it. The only one besides me, anyway.”

              “Why didn’t he tell me?”

              “He tried! Jesus, Teddy, but you wouldn’t listen. At first he thought you weren’t ready but now this doctor thing…” She trailed her voice off like I was supposed to know what was to follow. Of course I didn’t. What I knew was no one, now not even my dad, approved of me being a doctor. An honest, lucrative profession and they didn’t want me to do it.

              “How do you know all of this?”

              “Mom.”

              “My mom?”

              “No stupid!
My
mom.”

              “How does she know?”

              “Your dad and my mom… They’re more than friends… Have been for years.”

              “You’re shitting me.”

              “Why would I make this up?”

              “How do you know?”

              “She told me, but I knew. I actually pay attention. You never did and that’s gotten you in a lot of trouble. Teddy…your dad and my mom...it’s been happening since before we were born.”

              “Why are you telling me this, now?”

              “So you’ll do the right thing. You and I are the only ones he trusts to run the company and take care of his mistress.”
Oh my god!
“The fact is, you need me. You don’t want HCI? You want to run off and play doctor? Fine. When those shares come to you, which is, in my calculations, about a year and a half from now, you can go do whatever it is that you want, but you’re a silent shareholder. I take care of everything and get a sixty percent of the earnings. I keep your mother in a fancy house, your brother employed and your dad’s dirty little secret.”

              “Why you?

              “Teddy, wake up! I know that you don’t think so, but we’re grown-ups, I’m a grown up! I’ve been doing this for a long time. Your dad knows I’m invested. He knows I’ll take care of things even if you won’t. This is reality, and I’ve got to look out for my future same as you’ve got to start thinking about yours.”

              It was like you’d taken a katana to my brain. I couldn’t process the information as fast as you were giving it to me. You knew all of inner workings of not only HCI but our families, presumably from the time we were fifteen years old, and used it against me. You, just like your mother, slept with me, possibly getting yourself pregnant, so that one day you could make me that offer, so that you’d be poised to get whatever it is you wanted. Whether it be a marriage to a fifty-one percent owner of a multi-billion dollar corporation, a child support payment from said share owner or this, the head bitch in charge of the whole thing. It didn’t really matter to you how you got it, as long as you got what you wanted: money and power. I knew you were cold, Lace, but it wasn’t until that moment I realized how cold. You bored your green eyes into mine and asked flatly:

              “Do we have a deal?”

*****

              I got in the car and drove without thinking, and of course, wound up at the beach. I couldn’t bring myself to get out of the car and visit our sand dune. So I punched the radio button to drown out the sound of the waves and the seagulls that despite my efforts to ignore were penetrating the car. I landed on some alternative rock station playing a Radiohead song. I turned it all the way up and leaned my head against the cool of the leather headrest and listened, watching the boats on the horizon.

              Charley was special. She was this amazing woman that I’d let slip through my fingers over and over again because of my own stupidity. I could’ve blamed you. Maybe I did for a while, but it wasn’t your fault, Lacey. It was mine.

              I didn’t belong there. The last fight I had with her she said she didn’t belong in my world, that she didn’t fit. Well, I didn’t fit either. I didn’t fit with you, Lacey, I didn’t fit with Charley, because I was too afraid to act. Just like I couldn’t bring myself to get out of my car because I didn’t want to get tangled in the endless cycle of cleaning sand and salt and seaweed from my and clothes. I just wanted the view. That was my problem, according to Charley.
You skate on top of it; you stand on the outside of it, looking in. Teddy, the world is not your own personal museum! You cannot throw money at problems and have them go away. You cannot hold shit at arm's length and claim that that you're worldly-wise.
She was right of course. I was too scared to take any real action. I’d subconsciously sabotaged my meeting with her even before you called me about Andy. I’d gotten so shit-faced drunk that I would’ve done something colossally stupid anyway.