What He Really Feels (He Feels Trilogy) (26 page)

I made a few stops on my way home, and I got home a little after six, right when the T confirmation came through. “T is obviously for TIGER. You once told me that I’m
ferocious and wild while at the same time playful and adorable. I need you to give me the chance to show you those sides of me again. –T” The note accompanied a different stuffed tiger that I had found on the florist’s website.

I had a few hours to kill, and Dan had gone over to Melanie’s for dinner. I threw in a frozen pizza and fired up my laptop.

I checked my email first, and buried in between the usual junk was a new email from Julianne sent a little before noon that same day.

The subject said, “Please Read Me.”

I stared at it for a long time before I acted, my mouse hovering over the delete button.

As much as hearing that Julianne was marrying some other guy hurt me, after my day focused on getting Lindsay back, I realized that it didn’t matter anymore what Julianne Becker did.

I hadn’t forgiven her for treating me the way she had, but it was at least a step in that direction.

Besides, it would be pretty hypocritical of me to ignore Julianne’s pleas for forgiveness when I was trying to do the very same thing with Lindsay.

And that thought stabbed at me long enough to force me to open her email.

Travis,

I can’t express to you how sorry I am for what I did. Not having you in my life is killing me. It’s a pain that I know I deserve and that I brought on myself, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. You know that you’re my best friend in the world, and I can’t survive without you. I know it’s selfish of me to ask this, but can you please find a way to forgive me? Or, if you can’t forgive me, can you tell me how we get past this?

I was selfish, and I openly admit that I made a mistake. I hate myself for what I did to you. I know that I used you at a time when we were both vulnerable, but at the time it didn’t seem like that was what I was doing. I didn’t feel like I was using you. You were comfort. You were familiar, and that was what I needed. At the time, I acted out of my blinding pain instead of out of the love that you know I have for you and the respect I have for our friendship.

I decided to send you an email because it forces you to listen to my side of the story and it allows me to get out everything that I need to say. I know that the words in this email won’t change what I did, but if you’ve read this far, then maybe there’s a chance for us to recover our friendship.

I love you. I’m so sorry that it’s not in the way you need me to, but I hope you can see that our friendship is strong enough to overcome my stupidity. You will always be my first love, and you will always be my best friend. You will always be my rock, my strength, and my friend. I hope that I can be the same to you, because no matter what life brings us next, you will always hold that place in my heart.

I don’t deserve a second chance, but I hope you’ll give me one anyway.

Love,

Jules

I thought about her email for awhile before responding. I heard the buzzer going off in the kitchen, signaling to me that my pizza was ready. I took it out of the oven and cut it, and then I took a plate with me and headed back to my laptop.

I reread the email for about the tenth time, and I realized that I wasn’t angry anymore.

Lindsay had some effect on me. I knew that it was strong, but I hadn’t realized how powerful it actually was until it finally dawned on me that I was over Julianne.

I think I was over Julianne the moment Lindsay appeared in my life. The first time.

And I was going to win her back. No matter the cost; whatever it took. I was going to end up with Lindsay.

My reaction to Julianne’s news had been one of shock. I reacted with my emotions rather than my logic, and I knew that was something I was going to work on. I had to work on it. I wouldn’t let my temper cost me the most important person in my life.

My phone buzzed with my 7:00 delivery just as I finished rereading Julianne’s email for the twelfth time. The 7:00 delivery of roses to Lindsay’s house said, “U is for UNWORTHY. I am unworthy of you, and I am fully aware of that. Give me another chance anyway. –T”

I typed out a reply to Jules and reread
it twice before I sent it.

Julianne,

Thank you for the heartfelt apology. I don’t doubt your sincerity. What you did killed a part of me, but you should know that I’m doing okay. I’m not angry anymore. Your friendship has meant everything to me for the better part of twenty years, and while I might need some more time to get over what you did, I know that I can’t cut you out of my life completely.

You should also know that this change of heart has come at the suggestion of someone I met. It’s a long story, but she made me see that I couldn’t move on with her until I fixed things with you. That’s what prompted my call the other day, and your news shocked me. I didn’t react well, and I apologize for going into hiding for a couple of days. Someday I hope I can be happy for you. It’s a strange realization that you and I aren’t going to end up together, but I’ve figured out that there’s actually someone else I’m meant to end up with.

I wish you the best, and I’ll be in touch when I’m ready.

Travis

I stared at the email for awhile, knowing that my sentiments were true. It was just one of those times when I wasn’t sure if I was ready to reveal to Julianne that I was over her. I had spent so much time loving her that it felt strange that I had actually fallen for someone else.

My 8:00 delivery text came through, the very last delivery the florist would be making, and I knew that I didn’t have much time to kill to get the rest of my plan into action. The last delivery was another dozen red roses with the note, “V is for VITAL. I don’t know when it happened, or how, but I know that you are a vital part of me now. Please call me. –T”

I hit the send button on my reply to Jules, and there was a knock at my apartment door less than a minute later.

Thinking it might be Lindsay, I jumped up to answer it.

And I was utterly shocked at who stood on the other side of my door.

Julianne Becker, looking as beautiful as ever, wearing a cast on her left hand, stared back at me with anxiety and worry in her eyes.

CHAPTER 13

“Jules,” I whispered.

“Oh, Trav,” she said, throwing her arms around my neck.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, pulling her into a hug that was as natural as breathing.

She pulled back, and her cheeks were wet with tears. “I had to see you. I had to know that we’re going to be okay.”

“I just emailed you…” I trailed off, knowing that it was impossible that she could’ve gotten to my apartment after reading my email that quickly from Tempe, Arizona. Or Fountain Hills, where Nick’s place was, or wherever the hell she was living now. I stepped out of our hug and held my hand out for her to come on into my place.

“You did?” she asked. “You saw mine?”

I nodded.

“What did yours say?”

It took me less than a split second to decide what I had to do. I wasn’t going to let Julianne ruin my life again. I was going to continue with my plan. It was my turn to be selfish; whatever Julianne had to say, whatever the reason she had come to see me, it could wait. It would wait.
Because I was going to go get my girl.

“Jules, I’m sorry, but I don’t have time for this right now.”

“But I came all this way…” Her hands were shaking with nervousness, and it was then that I noticed she held in her hand the necklace I’d given her as a gift the night she’d dumped me for Nick.

“I know you did. And I don’t mean to sound like a dick, but maybe you shouldn’t have. You’ve got your thing going on in Arizona, and I’ve got mine here in California.”

“You’re really okay?”

“Sort of.
I have… um, plans for the night. I have to leave in less than an hour.”

“Oh, okay. I don’t want to keep you.” She stared down at the floor. “Here,” she said, lifting her gaze and holding the necklace out to me.

“I gave that to you. It’s yours.”

She just looked at me, completely speechless.

“Do you have somewhere to stay?” I asked, my good manners winning out over my conflicting feelings.

She shook her head.

“We’ve got a guest room.”

“No, I don’t want to impose.”

“Yes, you do. You wouldn’t have come here if you didn’t expect me to offer.”

“You know me well.”

“BFFs for life, right?” My voice took on a sarcastic edge that she chose to ignore.

A small smile graced her pretty lips. “I hope so, Trav.”

“Read your email,” I said, pointing to the couch so she could have a seat after her six hour drive to see me. “Make yourself at home. I’m sorry I can’t stay to talk. I have to go change.”

I headed down the hall to my bedroom and walked into my closet. I stared at my clothes for a full three minutes before I realized that Julianne being here could actually serve an important purpose.

“Jules?” I yelled down the hall.

“Yeah?” she yelled back.

“I need your help with something.”

She followed the sound of my voice, and she appeared in the doorway of my closet. She looked at me curiously, and she looked like my best friend. Not the girl who I had loved with all my heart for half my life, but the girl who would always be there for me.

“What can I do?”

“I need a suit. Nice shirt and tie combo.
Shoes, the whole deal.”

“I’m on it.” She flipped through my hangers and pulled out my black suit, handing it to me. “Can I ask what this is for?”

“Did you read your email?”

Her cheeks turned a pretty shade of pink. She turned away from me and back to my clothes. “Yes.”

“It’s the girl that I referenced in my email. I sort of… fucked things up royally, and I’ve been spending my entire day trying to make it right. I’m ending the day with a pretty bold move.”

“What’s the bold move?” she asked, handing me a white button down shirt.

She glanced through my ties and fingered a red one, and then a black one, and then some patterned ones.

“I’m sending a limo to her place to pick her up and bring her to me. I’ll be waiting at a classy wine bar.”

She glanced up at me from my ties. “Sounds nice, Trav.”

“I was hoping for better than ‘nice.’”

“Sounds romantic. I don’t know what you want me to say. This is weird.”

“What’s weird?” I asked, yanking my t-shirt over my head and pulling on the white shirt Jules had handed me.

“Giving you advice about another woman.”

“It never was weird before.”

“Before?” She handed me a blue tie, but it just didn’t seem right to me. I opted to skip the tie.

“Before I told you how I felt.”

She froze for a minute. “Can we get back there?” she finally asked, hope evident in her voice.

“I’d like to reiterate my email.”

“The part about you getting in touch with me when you are ready?” she asked softly.

“No, Jules,” I murmured.
“The part about me moving on. The part about me having found the woman I’m meant to be with. And I need to go salvage that. I’m sorry I can’t stay and talk to you about us, but if you’re the friend that I need, you’ll understand.”

She nodded. “I understand, Trav. Go get her.”

I hugged her briefly and she left so I could finish getting ready.

I got a text from Dan’s friend who drove a limo. His name was Jorge, but tonight he was playing the part of Xavier because I didn’t have another X.

I received a text that the limo had arrived at her place. When “Xavier” arrived, he delivered a note to her that said, “W is for WHAT I REALLY FEEL. I need to tell you that in person, Lindsay. Put on a dress and meet me. I won’t take no for an answer.”

I really owed Dan one.

He was in the limo, too, to convince her to meet me in case she said no. And later, he told me about her reaction and their limo ride together.

Lindsay had opened the door and rolled her eyes when she saw Jorge standing there with a note. She read it and shook her head. Dan watched from the limo, and she closed the door in Jorge’s face. Dan approached the door and knocked, and Lindsay opened the door again. She had been surprised to see Dan there, and he talked her into following the directions in the note. He told me that he stood in her entryway until she came back twenty minutes later looking beautiful in a black sequined dress. Dan texted me when they were leaving Lindsay’s place.

They rode in the limo together to the bar. Dan told her that I wanted him to tell her the name of the limo driver. Lindsay had asked what it was, and Dan had said, “X is for Xavier, the man taking you to Travis.” It was a scripted line, and according to Dan, he had delivered it perfectly.