What I Didn't Say (13 page)

I looked up at her, giving her a doubtful look.  She just smiled at me innocently, resting her chin in her hands, and batted her eyes at me in a teasing way.  A small smile spread on my face as I shook my head at her.

This ought to be interesting,
I wrote beneath her neat handwriting.

She reached for the notebook. 
I have to admit, I’ve been curious what it’s been like for you, not being able to talk.  Maybe someday I’ll try it for a whole day.

Ooo, a whole day,
I taunted her on the page.

“Hey!” she said defensively.  Realizing her mistake, she covered her mouth with her hands, her eyes growing wide.  I just silently laughed and shook my head.  I scratched “whole day” out on the page and replaced it with minute.

Okay,
she wrote. 
This might be a little harder than I thought.

Hey, it’s kind of nice,
I wrote. 
Not to be the only silent one.

I can’t even imagine.  It must feel pretty lonely.

It could be worse,
I wrote.  I watched her face closely as she read it.  Her eyes lingered there for longer than it would have taken to read them, making me wonder what was going through her head.

Ready to get started?
she wrote, sitting up a little straighter.  She looked slightly uncomfortable.

Nice going,
I thought to myself. 
Way to ruin whatever we had going on.

4 days to the lake

Finally, something to count down to…

The plans for the lake that weekend were getting more elaborate as the week went on.  It really helped that the weather was supposed to get to seventy degrees.  Considering it didn’t get much hotter than that in the middle of the summer, it was practically a heat wave.  From what Carter and Rain said, at least half the school was planning to go Saturday.

Even Samantha was coming.

I tried not to imagine too much what Sam looked like in a swimming suit.

By the end of the week, things were starting to feel… almost normal.  Principal Hill had allowed most of the guys that were at the party the night of my accident to get back onto the basketball team.  Practices would be starting on Monday.  I had met with most of the guys every day after school in the weight room for extra workouts in preparation.

Kali and I had gotten into a routine over the past few weeks.  He’d come over in the evenings on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  We’d go for walks, or play basketball, or once we even went on a bike ride.  And he’d teach me signs, always applicable to whatever we were doing that day.  I felt pretty stupid for not catching on very fast.  But Kali was patient with me, always easy going.  Other times he didn’t even really do any sign, he’d just tell stories about when he was a kid in Haiti.

I didn’t feel as sorry for myself after hearing about Kali’s childhood.

By the time Saturday came around, I could officially introduce myself in sign, explain that I was mute, and could tell someone what I liked to do in my spare time.

For some reason I felt bad that I was learning more sign with Kali than I was with Samantha.  I could tell she was getting frustrated that we weren’t making very fast progress.  I guessed that would be frustrating for the smartest girl in the school.

When Saturday rolled around Rain hitchhiked his way to my house and the two of us headed toward Moran State Park.

As we drove in silence, I could feel that something was changing between me and my two best friends.  Carter, Rain, and I hadn’t hung out much since the accident.  I could tell they were trying hard to act like everything was normal, like nothing had changed between the three of us.  But they’d pulled away a bit.  And there was always this little bug in the back of my brain, one that reminded me that if it hadn’t been for them, I might still be able to talk.

I hated that I couldn’t entirely blame them though for pulling away.  It had to be awkward for them.  It was hard to talk to a person who couldn’t talk.

With all the tourists gone, I was actually able to find parking at the lake for once.  With no public swimming pool on the island, that’s what the lake became.  I’d spent more than half my summer there, lounging out in just my swimming trunks on the grass next to the lake, or jumping off the bridge or the cliffs.

It really did look like half the school was out that day.  Already I could tell there wasn’t much area left to claim on the leveled, grass shore.

Just as I climbed out of the Bronco, I saw a car stop in the middle of the road.  From out of the passenger door, climbed Samantha.  She thanked the driver, who took off as soon as she shut the door.

Hitchhiking would seem pretty dangerous anywhere else in the country.  But on Orcas it seemed weird if you drove from your house to town without seeing someone looking for a ride.

“Hey,” she said with a bright smile as she walked up to my side.  Rain gave a smug side look, and stealthily snuck away.  “That was probably the scariest ride I’ve ever gotten on this island.  I think I’m a little high just from riding in that guy’s car for the last five minutes.”

I gave a silent laugh, offering to carry her bag.  She gave me a little smile and handed it over.

“Such a gentleman,” she teased.  I just bumped her with my shoulder, knocking her slightly off balance.

We walked through the trees to the edge of the lake.  There really wasn’t a whole lot of room to lie out.  Half naked teenagers were everywhere, spread out on blankets or spread out on each other.  Carter sat in the middle of a swarm of girls, shirtless, playing his guitar and singing.  He may have been a good guitar player, but he definitely couldn’t sing.  The girls didn’t seem to mind though.

Sam waved to two of her friends, Marina and Summer, but to my surprise she didn’t go sit with them, just stayed at my side, looking for a place to settle.

A small flicker of hope jumped to life inside of me.

Pretty crowded,
I wrote on my pocket notebook.

“Yeah, this is crazy,” she said, blocking the sun from her eyes with her hand.  “I think the whole school’s here.”  She suddenly looked over at me, a mischievous grin on her face.  “Follow me.”

I couldn’t help but smile too as she took off down the trail that went around the entire lake.  She bounded in front of me, picking up speed as her sandaled feet jogged down the trail.  I shifted Sam’s bag and my towel over my shoulder, sliding my notebook into my pocket as I jogged after her.

We didn’t run far before she slowed.  I knew where she was headed before we even got there.

There was a bridge that crossed over a section of the lake where it bottled into a small lagoon.  I had gone skinny dipping here more than once, as had the rest of the school at one time or another.  I was surprised that there was no one else around.  It was a popular spot for jumping, or even just hanging out.

Sam stopped when she got to the middle of the bridge.  She kicked her sandals off and scaled the rail of the bridge until she stood on top of it.  I could only watch her in wonder as she closed her eyes, raising her arms to her side, and just stood there.

She looked… free, standing there.  Like she always carried the weight of her future on her shoulders, but standing there, above the water and in the sun, she looked different.

She looked beautiful. 

But I couldn’t tell her that.

Sam suddenly gave a laugh, her eyes flashing to my face.  I jumped, getting caught staring.  “You going to jump with me?” she asked with a smile.  She suddenly pulled her tank top over her head and shimmied out of her denim shorts, tossing them back on the bridge.  She stood there in just her swimming suit.

I laughed and pulled out my pocket notebook. 
It’s going to be freezing,
I wrote.

“So,” she taunted.  “You afraid of a little cold water?”

I chuckled again and shook my head.  Setting our stuff down, I pulled my shirt over my head.  Maybe I just imagined that Sam stared for just a moment too long, the same as I had done with her.  Pushing that thought aside, I climbed the railing until I was balanced beside her.

“You should know I’m not a very good swimmer,” she said very seriously, her eyes glued to the water.

And before I could react, Sam grabbed my hand and pulled me off the railing with her and into the water.

The water felt like ice as it enveloped my skin, sucking me into its depths.  My head surfaced, and I gasped for air.  As Sam’s head popped out of the water, I realized she was still clinging to my hand.

Her arms flailed, and she gasped as her head started to sink back under the water.

Crap.
 

Sam wasn’t lying when she said she wasn’t a very good swimmer.

Gripping her hand tighter, I pulled her upwards.  Maneuvering her so she was behind me, I pulled her arms around my neck.  She coughed violently, squeezing tight around me.  Thankfully I
was
a good swimmer and I slowly made our way to the rocks at the end of the bridge. 

“Wasn’t that fun?” Sam said, coughing violently as we climbed back up to the bridge.

I just looked at her like
seriously…?
as we walked back toward our things.  I grabbed my notebook and furiously wrote.

What was that about?  Were you trying to kill yourself?!

She gave me this sheepish look that was so irritatingly cute it virtually washed away my frustration.  “I’ve never jumped off the bridge before,” she said as she dried herself off with her towel.  “There’s always been too many people around and I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of them all.  I just… I just wanted to try it.”

I just stood there, almost not believing what she had said.  Sam was unwilling to try a bridge jump in front of everyone else.  Everyone but me.

A chuckle suddenly shook my chest, a smile breaking free on my lips.  I just shook my head at her.  Sam laughed too.

We both spread our towels out on the bridge, each of us lying down on our stomachs. 

“Oh yeah, I brought something for you,” Sam said, shifting so she could reach her bag.  She pulled out my red notebook, the one I only used to talk to her.  “You left it on my desk after AP English yesterday.”

I smiled, taking it from her extended hand, and set it to the side.

Sam folded her arms in front of her and rested her head on them, letting her eyes slide closed.  “This is nice,” she said, her voice relaxed.  “All warm and quiet.”

I nodded, letting my head rest in my own arms.

We didn’t say or write anything for a long time.  Normally silence like that was uncomfortable and awkward.  Like you needed to say something to fill the empty space in the air.  But it didn’t feel like that with Samantha.  Maybe it was because I
couldn’t
say anything and fill the quiet, but I thought it was more about two people just being with each other, enjoying the slowdown and the rare sunshine.

I lifted my head to turn it the other direction when my neck started hurting and realized Sam was lying with her chin resting on her arms, staring at me.  I froze there, my eyes locked on hers, just looking at her.

Even though Sam had lost so much weight lately, she was still beautiful.  I had thought so the very first day I saw her, just after she and her mom moved to the island.  Sam had been a little different then.  She was always the smartest in our class, outshining everyone by a long shot.  But back then she used to be more… involved, in everything.  She’d been on the girls’ basketball team.  She used to go out with friends all the time.  She had seemed a little more… alive.