What I Didn't Say (28 page)

I really screwed up today. 

I won’t blame Sam if she breaks up with me.

What was I thinking?

I wasn’t.

I just didn’t want to feel.

But now everything’s ruined.

And there’s no one but me to blame.

6 days since everything fell apart

7 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

Samantha and I did a weird dance the next three days.  I’d skip Physics and she’d find somewhere else to be during ASL.  And then we’d sit as far apart as we could during AP English and Government.  Awkward wasn’t a big enough word for what those few days were.

Neither of us tried to say sorry, and neither of us had ever had so much pride.

I mostly felt like an idiot.

Sam and me fighting, or being broken up, I wasn’t sure what it was, was hard on Jordan too.  She and Sam had grown close, hanging out in the halls, and whatever the heck it was girls did. 

But true to Jordan, she chose my side. 

Even if she did yell at me for an hour straight when she found out about Norah’s party.

But when you live on an island as small as Orcas, you really can’t avoid anyone.

I had just walked into the lobby at the public library to drop off a book for Jamie when Sam walked out.  We both froze there, staring at each other.

Sam looked terrible again.  The bags under her eyes told me she’d been sleeping as little as I had since Saturday.  She looked skinnier than ever, making me guess she’d had as good an appetite as me as well.

I love you, Sam,
I thought. 
I’m so sorry I’m such an idiot.

“Hey,” she said, shifting from one leg to the other like she was considering running.

Hi,
I signed.  I really hated sign language.  It felt so cold and distant.

Sam’s eyes kept dropping from mine to the floor.

She couldn’t even look at me.

She must have totally hated me. And I couldn’t blame her.

“I…” she trailed off.  But she didn’t say anything else.  She just hurried past me and went out the door.

I wanted to scream.

6 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

The rest of the week continued like that.  We’d dance around each other at school.  Way beyond awkwardly say hi in the halls.  And then we’d go home.

I thought what I hated the most was not knowing what we were anymore.

Was Sam still my girlfriend?  The answer to that was probably not.

Did she totally hate me?

Would this ever get fixed?

Feeling too full of jumbled words, I pulled out my journal Friday night.

I just want to let out a string of cuss words, all the time, and never stop saying them these days.  But Mom engrained the no-swearing-or-you-will-die thing into me too well.

Maybe this is what dying feels like.  Slow.  Painful.  Uncertain.

That’s kind of what I feel like inside.  Dead.  Maybe not though.  Some say death is supposed to be peaceful.  I don’t think I could be more opposite of peaceful.

I miss Sam.  I miss her so much my whole body hurts.  I miss her hair in my face.  I miss her million-flavored lips.  I miss her constant seriousness and fanatic studying habits.  I miss seeing her with my family.

How did I screw this up so bad?

How do I fix it?

A tiny knock on my window nearly scared the piss out of me.  Snapping the journal closed, I shifted on my bed and silently slid the window open.

There, standing in the dark, was a terrified looking Sam.

What are you doing here?
my eyes asked.

“Let me in,” she whispered.  Not waiting for me to respond, she reached for the ledge of the window.  Giving her a hand, I helped her climb through.  Then I realized there were tears streaking down her face.

What’s wrong?
I signed.  I felt terror building up in myself, even though I didn’t know what to be afraid of.

“Mike,” Sam said as she paced my bedroom floor, ringing her hands.  “Mike’s here.  My dad’s on the island.”

What?!
I mentally shouted.

Grabbing a notebook from the dresser, I clicked a pen open. 
What?!

“Yeah,” she said with a sniff.  “I saw him talking to Officer Bennett in town earlier.”  By now her voice was sounding more desperate, on the verge of cracking.  “Someone found out Jake!  Someone ratted on me!  And now my crap father’s here and I’m going to have to leave and I’m going to lose everything.”  Her words were a jumbled mess, getting louder with each word.

I pulled her into my arms without even giving my body permission to do so.  She instantly stopped moving, her arms gripping me so tightly it hurt.

“He’s going to take me away Jake,” she started sobbing.  “I don’t want to leave with him.  I don’t want to leave the school.  I’m going to lose any hope of a scholarship.  I’m going to lose my friends.  I’m going to lose…”

Somehow I knew she was going to say
you
.  But she stopped herself before she could admit anything.

“Have I already lost you, Jake?” she finally whispered into my chest.  My shirt was soaked with her tears.

Never.
I shook my head, squeezing her tighter.  It felt like something in my chest released, finally letting me breathe. 
I’m so sorry.

“I freaked out when I saw you with Norah,” Sam said, looking up into my eyes.  Her cheeks were streaked with tears.  “I knew you were mad about what I said, but… Norah?”

I’m so sorry.
  My brows drew together and I felt a sting behind my eyes as I released her.

Norah is nothing,
I wrote. 
Nothing
to me.

Sam bit her trembling lower lip.  “I’m so sorry about what I said Jake.  I really wasn’t thinking.  I was just… feeling.”  She suddenly blushed.

It’s okay.  I was just an idiot.

Taking my hand in hers, Sam led me back to the bed and she collapsed into it.  I suddenly felt exhausted too.  Lying back in the bed, Sam curled up into my side.

My phone suddenly vibrated, saying I had a text.  Grabbing it, I opened it to find a message from Carter.

We’re playing ball at the old gym tonight if you feel up to it,
it read.

Something suddenly stirred in my brain then, something from the very beginning of the school year.

Scrolling up through my previous messages from Carter, I found what I was looking for.  A video message Carter, sent from the night of the homecoming game.

“Oh Samantha!” my voice suddenly rang out.  Sam’s head whipped up, her eyes wide.  Glancing from my face to the phone, she watched as my drunken self sang out my undying love.

I looked like a freaking idiot, but every word I said was true.

“Jake.  You said my name,” she said, her voice hazy sounding as she looked down into my eyes.  Very gradually, as if in slow motion, she dipped her head until our lips touched.

It felt like finally breathing again after holding your breath for a full week.

“When was this?” she asked, her face still surprised and filled with awe.

Grabbing my notebook again I wrote,
The night of my accident.

“What?” she said, her face filling with pain.

I nodded
.  There’s something I never told you before about that night.

I looked up to see her reaction when she read my words.  She looked at me, her face unsure.  Something knotted in my chest.  I’d tried telling her once before, but she hadn’t let me.

I was drunk that night,
I wrote. 
But I meant what I said in that stupid song.  Carter and Rain were taking me to your old house when we got into that accident.  I was coming to tell you that I love you.

I looked up into her face.  Sam’s lower lip was trembling, her eyes filling with tears.  She clasped a hand over her mouth to hold in a sob, but it made its way out anyway.

Sam lay back on my chest and I just held her as she sobbed.

“I didn’t know,” she said, her voice shaking.

I know.

Slowly her cries quieted and we just lay there quiet and still.  I traced my fingers up and down her boney back, feeling her slowly relax into me.

“Can I stay here tonight?”

Of course.
  I squeezed her tighter and pulled the blanket over the both of us.

6 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

I felt something tickle my cheek, my skin twitching.  When something brushed it again, I slowly let my eyes slide open.

Sam was propped up on one elbow, looking down at me, our noses only about eight inches apart.  It was her hair that had been brushing against my face.

Good morning.

“Hi,” she breathed.  The Jake smile spread on her lips.  I hadn’t felt as good as I did then in more than a week when I couldn’t help but smile too.

“So,” she said, her voice suddenly uncertain.  “Are we… okay?”

To answer her, I placed my hand on the back of her neck and lifted my head from my pillow.  Ever so gently, I let my lips meet hers, barely touching at first.  I faintly detected coconut.

I love you.  Always.

Sam backed away just a bit, her eyes meeting mine.  They had their glow back.  “I’d probably better get going before your parents wake up.  Come over around lunch?”

My stomach instantly sank when she said she was leaving.  But she was right.  We couldn’t get caught again.

What about your dad?
I wrote in the notebook from the nightstand.

The glow in Sam’s eyes instantly died.  “It’s pretty early.  I doubt anyone will see me and I don’t think he knows where I am yet.  We’ll talk about it later, ‘k?”

Reluctantly, I nodded. 

“Bye,” she said, the Jake smile reappearing as she shifted forward for a lingering good-bye kiss.  I waved to her as she crawled out my window.

My bedroom door opened the instant the window closed, and in walked Jordan.  I hoped I didn’t look as guilty as I felt.