What I'd Say to the Martians (15 page)
Read What I'd Say to the Martians Online
Authors: Jack Handey
Tags: #Humor, #Form, #Essays, #General
(Two lovers
[Dana Carvey, Victoria Jackson]
in a car on isolated lovers’ lane. Dark, scary woods. Girl breaks the kiss.)
BOY
What’s the matter?
GIRL
I don’t know. I feel like somebody’s watching us.
BOY
Oh, come on.
(They resume kissing. A zombie peers out from behind a bush.
)
GIRL
(breaking kiss)
There. I heard something. Didn’t you hear that?
BOY
I didn’t hear anything. Come on, Wendy, it’s nothing.
GIRL
Are you sure?
BOY
Positive.
(Resume kissing. A group of zombies, arms outstretched, break out from the bushes, stagger toward car)
(Girl spots them and screams)
BOY
Oh, my God, what are they?
GIRL
They’re zombies! Let’s get out of here!
(Car won’t start. Zombies get closer. They’re hideous)
GIRL
Jeff, start the car!
BOY
It won’t start! We’re going to have to make a run for it!
(Zombies suddenly stop, then wave their arms, trying to ward off an attack of bees. Buzzing sounds.)
BOY
Wait! Something’s happening.
GIRL
They’re being attacked…by bees.
(Super: The Zombies vs. the Bees)
(Dramatic sci-fi music)
(Zombies, tormented by the bees, flail about)
(Sheriff’s office. Sheriff
[Carl Weathers]
talks to shaken boy and girl.)
SHERIFF
Now, tell me again what happened.
GIRL
There were these zombies stalking us. Then, all of a sudden, they were attacked by swarms of bees.
BOY
It was horrible, Sheriff.
SHERIFF
Well, what do you want me to do about it?
BOY
Shouldn’t we get involved somehow?
SHERIFF
Why? Who cares? It’s zombies and bees. Let them work it out.
(A zombie appears outside the window. He’s being attacked by bees. He howls and flails about.)
DEPUTY
Sheriff, there’s a zombie outside being attacked by bees. Should I let him in?
SHERIFF
No, he might eat us. Plus, he’ll just bring those bees in with him.
(Laboratory. Scientist
[Nora Dunn]
looks at a glowing liquid in a beaker. She phones. Sheriff answers.)
SCIENTIST
Sheriff, this is Professor Blanston. I’ve done it! I’ve succeeded in creating an ointment that will protect zombies from bee stings.
SHERIFF
So?
SCIENTIST
Well, aren’t we on the side of the zombies?
SHERIFF
No. Why would we be?
SCIENTIST
Well, they’re sort of humanoid, aren’t they?
SHERIFF
Yes, but they’re unnatural. They’re from the grave. If we took any side, I think it would be the bees. They’re more of a normal-type creature.
SCIENTIST
But they sting.
SHERIFF
Look, I’m not going to argue with you.
SCIENTIST
So what should I do with this ointment?
SHERIFF
Boy, you got me. I guess just throw it out.
(Sheriff hangs up. Deputy approaches.)
DEPUTY
Sir, I just received a report that piranhas have joined the war on the side of the zombies.
SHERIFF
Yeah? What does that mean?
DEPUTY
Well, basically, if any bees land on water infested with piranhas, the piranhas will attack them.
SHERIFF
Big deal. Who cares? Look, I’m gonna go play golf.
(Shot of zombies outdoors, stumbling about, swatting at bees.)
ANNOUNCER
The zombies and the bees continued their war for several more years, until finally, a peace treaty was signed. A representative of the humans was invited to attend the signing, but failed to show up.
(Super: The End)
(Fade)
Produced Jan. 27, 1988—never broadcast
Heartfelt thanks to all the friends and colleagues who have given so generously of their time and energy over the years to review, edit, and encourage my writings. Special mention should go my tireless testers, Tom Gammill, Bill Novak, and Max Pross. Thanks also to Kit Boss, John Fortenberry, Chris and Maria Hart, Pat and Anne Marble, George Meyer, and Jennifer Meyer, as well as Dave and Sue McIntyre; Linda, Lev, Ben, and Jesse Novak; Michelle Stock-well; Rhys Thomas; and David Tomlin.
Sandy Frazier, without your steadfast support and assistance I’m not sure this book would have come into being. So if people hate it, is it okay if I blame you?
It has been a pleasure to work once again with my gracious and discriminating book editor, Leslie Wells. Generous and overdue thanks also to my editor at
The New Yorker,
Susan Morrison, and my editor at
Outside
magazine, Mary Turner.
I am indebted to Lorne Michaels for letting me use my TV stuff in this book, and also for running probably the only show where a writer like me could thrive. And also for the great parties.
Thanks to Kurt Andersen, David Krasnow, and Peter Clowney at
Studio 360
for putting me on such a classy radio program. And with cool sound effects, to boot.
Thanks to all the people at the Andrew Wylie Agency, including the eponymous (a word I never thought I’d be able to use) Andrew, Jin Auh, Jackie Ko, and Angelin Borsics.
Cheryl Weatherby, thanks for all your hard work typing the manuscript. Appreciation also to Senior Production Editor Kevin MacDonald and the Hyperion copyeditors for catching all my misteaks.
I am withholding thanks to my cats Romero, Little Girl, and Preston. Not only have they not been particularly helpful in the writing of this book, they usually lay right on top of something I am reading or step on the computer keys.
No amount of thanks is withheld for my wife and editor, Marta Chavez Handey. Her help and support on this book, and all the pieces in it, has been invaluable. Thanks, Patita!
Jack Handey
is the author of the bestselling Deep Thoughts series of books. He was a staff writer for
Saturday Night Live
, and has won two Emmy Awards and a Writers Guild of America Award. His humor pieces have appeare in the
New Yorker, Outside, Playboy, National Lampoon, Punch,
and other publications. He lives in Santa Fe, NM, with his wife, dog, and cats. Some people believe that Jack Handey is a made-up name of an imaginary person, and idea that Handey is trying to promote amongst his creditors.
WHAT I’D SAY TO THE MARTIANS
. Copyright © 2008 by Toonces Productions, Inc. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of Hyperion e-books.
Mobipocket Reader March 2008 ISBN 978-1-4013-9143-0
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