What I'd Say to the Martians (7 page)

Go to drugstore, pick up Viagra. Don’t tell pharmacist what it’s for.

Buy bag of candy, in case people don’t give me candy when I go trick-or-treating.

Ask Old Mister Barnslow where he got the name Old Mister Barnslow, and why nobody else calls him that.

Try not to trip over “Jack’s Rock.” Ignore people gathered there to see if I do.

Watch for skunks, write down number seen. If zero again, rethink whole idea of skunk graph.

Walk to pier, go fishing. If I catch a fish, name him Rudy and release him. If no fish, shake fist at water and yell, “Well, you win this round, Rudy!”

Throw rocks at mounds of garbage floating by. Make sure not kayakers.

Ask out girl from payroll department at old job. Don’t tell her you’ve been fired.

Practice funny cowboy dance for at least two hours. Concentrate on spinning movements.

Call Wild Bob and ask him if he’s gotten over his no-drinking phase yet.

Have staring contest with cat. Then go buy cat toys, like I do every day.

Learn karate, from book I bought. Pick fight with big guy next door.

Refill bird feeder; use bird seed this time.