What if I Fly? (18 page)

PART II

FLAPPING

1994-1996

Chapter Fourteen

Julia hasn’t had the luxury of feeling sorry for herself since her break up with Will. She had to scramble to find a place to live when the lease on her apartment in Brooklyn expired at the end of May.

She found a small studio in the city, started her new job at the museum in mid-June and has been working as much as possible since. In the bit of free time she does have, she hangs out with old friends, reads, goes to concerts or movies. She’s trying to make a life for herself.

Activity is key. She keeps herself occupied so she doesn’t have time to think about Will. Except at night. Julia dreams about him often and she has no control over that, though she’s tried. She’s tried sleeping pills, but the dreams became more vivid. She started drinking a glass of wine before bed, nothing worked. So she accepts them.
They can’t last forever, can they?

Before their break up, other than the night Gram said goodbye, she rarely remembered her dreams. Now, they haunt her.
Or taunt her.
Last night’s dream lingered with her all day. She woke up and could smell his skin, hear his voice whispering in her ear, see his face so clearly. Her subconscious has turned against her, torturing her night and day.

Gabby came to stay with her over her birthday in September. Surprisingly, she’s been Will’s number one champion. Growing up, Gabby said she’d break the legs of anyone who hurt Julia. Well, Will hurt her, and then some. She didn’t expect Gabby to go after him with an iron bar, but she thought her friend would do some verbal damage, a little Will-bashing peppered with fantasies of broken bones.

But no, she was wrong. Since Gabby spoke to Will at her graduation, she’s been making a case for Julia to give Will another chance.

“Julia, what if you’re wrong? What if he’s completely innocent? Something doesn’t feel right about this. Seriously Jules, I don’t think he even had sex with her. He doesn’t remember anything, and I believe him. You know I would’ve seen right through him. If Will was that drunk, he wouldn’t have been able to get it up if he tried. If a guy has an orgasm, he’s gonna remember it, right? I think Avery staged the whole thing. For her own warped purposes, Avery was in the right place at the right time. That night was like ‘the perfect storm’.”

“Does it even matter now?” She’s only half-listening, having learned to tune her out. Every time Gabby brings up Will, it hurts.
Doesn’t she see that?
“I’m finally getting my bearings, Gab. I’ve been in a fog for months and it’s finally lifting. Please, leave it alone.”

“Let me say this one thing, and then I’ll shut up about it forever.” Julia raises an eyebrow, skeptical, and Gabby throws up her hands. “Okay, for the rest of the weekend. I can’t guarantee any longer than that.”

“Fine.” Julia sits up on her bed and crosses her legs, folding her arms over her chest, “Speak. But this is the last I want to hear about him for the duration of your visit.”

“Okay, deal. I’ve given this a lot of thought, so bear with me. You and Will have all the ingredients for a wonderful relationship. All but two.”

“I’m all ears, Buddha,” she sighs. “Share your wisdom.”

“Trust and courage,” Gabby says, two fingers extended.

“Those are pretty big things, Gab.”

“Will doesn’t have the courage to fight for the life he wants on his own, but when he’s with you, he does. You bring out the best in him. He was finding his way to a new life with you by his side.”

“Maybe he needs to find the courage on his own.” Julia feels tears prick the back of her eyes, “Isn’t that what courage is about? Finding the strength within yourself?”

“Funny you should say that, Julia! Because you have the same issue. You need to find the strength within yourself to take a chance on love. You need to learn to trust. Will was helping you with that.”

“Until he wasn’t!” Julia scoffs. “You really believe his story? They were naked Gabby, what else could’ve happened?” Gabby raises an eyebrow and Julia sighs, “How could I ever trust him again?”

“Jules, your trust issues are so much more complex than what happened between you and Will. Yeah, I think you could trust him again. The problem is you don’t trust yourself. Your parents did a number on you. You trusted them, and they hurt you. But that wasn’t their goal, Julia. They’re human, they fell prey to their own weaknesses. You’re an innocent victim in their drama. Are you going to let their actions control the rest of your life?” Gabby scoots up on the bed and sits beside her, “Your fear is understandable.”

“What fear is that?” Julia grabs a tissue and wipes her eyes.

“Abandonment,” Gabby says and takes her hand. “You’re afraid every person you love will leave you eventually. Not everyone leaves Julia. Barring death, some people stay for life. I’m afraid you’re stuck with me forever.”

Julia laughs through her tears and Gabby wraps an arm around her.

“There’s no guarantee you won’t get hurt again, but you can’t shut everyone out because you’re afraid they’ll leave. Doing that guarantees you’ll be alone forever, and I know that’s not what you want. Think about it my friend, and I know you don’t want to hear this… but think about calling Will and hearing him out. He really does love you, yours wasn’t the only heart broken. He’s heartbroken as well.”

***

Will’s been in a very dark place in the months since Julia left. He can’t sleep and drinks too much while hibernating in his den and watching television all night. He has no social life. He has no life at all. A few weeks after her graduation, once he’d finished a half bottle of Jack Daniels, he picked up the phone and dialed her number.

He just wanted to hear her voice. Instead he got the operator’s recording,
The number you have reached is not in service. Please dial again
. He carefully re-dialed her number and got the same message. Will slowly placed the phone on the receiver. She changed her number. Or left New York. He has no idea where she is.

When he visited Peter in August, Will drove by her apartment in Brooklyn, using his key to get into the building. He was about to knock on her door when her neighbor, Sarah, stopped in the hallway and told him Julia had moved out at the beginning of June. She didn’t have any other information. Julia’s gone.

His sister has been checking in with him a lot since their breakup, making sure he hasn’t swallowed a bottle of pills. He’s a mess.

Thanksgiving was his first visit to Rhode Island since July and Will met Ellie at the airport. His sister walked right past him, didn’t even recognize him. When he called out after her, she turned around and her face said it all. Very few occasions have rendered Ellie speechless, this was one of them.

He didn’t realize how much his days of drinking and staring blankly at a television screen had altered his appearance.

On the drive to their parent’s house, his sister regained the power of speech.

“Will, you need to get a grip. I know you’re heartbroken, but Jesus, you look awful! Have you looked in the mirror lately? You’ve lost so much weight and look at those dark circles under your eyes! You’re scaring the shit out of me! What are you doing to yourself?”

“El, I’m fine. I’m just not hungry. Every time I eat, I want to throw up, so what am I supposed to do?”

“How about hooking you up to a fucking intravenous feeding tube?” she shouts, “Think that’ll do the trick?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not trying to starve myself to death. I’m sure my appetite will return…I don’t want to feel like this, Ellie.”

Doesn’t she understand?
He was sure his twin sister would instinctively get what he’s going through, but Will was wrong. She doesn’t get it, no one does.

I’m heartsick! What’s the cure? Someone please tell me!

All weekend, his parents’ faces have been pained with concern for him. During Thanksgiving dinner, he felt like a specimen under a magnifying glass, his entire family inspecting his eating habits, searching for signs of abnormalities.

He tried to put a smile on his face and eat what was in front of him. The last thing he wants to do is worry everyone, but apparently it’s too late for that. They’ve been handling him with kid gloves, afraid he’ll break if they’re not careful.

After dinner, the family disbursed into the living room and Ellie was assigned the task of ‘having a talk’ with him. Sitting at the table, he has flashbacks of himself, waiting to be scolded for breaking a window, one of his many infractions growing up. Except this time, it’s Ellie instead of his father sitting in the grown up chair.

“Will, I don’t think I need to spell this out for you. Clearly, everyone is worried sick about you. Mom and Dad are beside themselves with worry. She’s wearing out her rosary beads praying for you. I know this has been a difficult time and you feel all alone, but you’re not. We’re here for you, Will, all of us. Please, tell me what we can do to help you.”

“Can you turn back the clock? Hit rewind and make the past six months go away?”

“If I could, I would. But that’s not possible. So, we need a Plan B. Time travel is not an option, so how can we help you get your life back on track?”

“Back on track? What track is that Ellie? The track that’s been laid out for me? Or the track I want to take? Because the old track? Screw that. I don’t want to go back down that path.”

“No one is saying you have to go back to that life. We just want you to have a life. Period! Whatever kind of life you want. But live it, Will! Do something and live your life. Stop wasting it waiting for Julia to come back and make everything better. She’s not coming back. It’s up to you to make things better.”

He rests his head on the table, her words striking a chord in his heart.
Julia’s not coming back
…He feels so empty, but Ellie has a point. He needs to live his life and stop feeling sorry for himself.

He tried to fill the void Julia left behind with alcohol and television, but that’s a dead end. He wasn’t able to parlay the Red Sox’s shitty season into a reason to live. No, he understands he needs to find something else to fill the spaces within him that Julia once occupied.

“Will, look at me. You have to try to move on. It’s hard to find the light through the darkness, I get it. But if you aren’t willing to keep looking for the light in the darkest of places, you never will. You’ll get through this. I want you to promise me something,” Ellie pleads, “Promise me you’ll start taking better care of yourself.”

“I don’t know where to start.” he sighs, sitting up and wiping his eyes.

“Pick one thing that makes you feel good. Something that’ll get you out of the house.”

“I haven’t been to the gym in months.”

“Great, start with that. Go two times next week, and three the next. Make it your goal to start running again by the New Year, once you’ve built up your strength. You’ve always loved running.” He nods his head and she continues, “Find the light, Will. Don’t make me go to DC and be your drill sergeant! You know I’ll do it too! And for God’s sake start eating, you’re a scarecrow.”

Chapter Fifteen

Julia wants to keep this visit home for Christmas brief. There are too many memories here, too much temptation. She would’ve stayed in New York and worked over the holiday if she could have, but her mother pleaded with her to come home.

This is the first year her mom isn’t leaving for her annual vacation on Christmas Day. She and Ron postponed their trip by a couple of days, which Julia found odd at first, but now understands. Her mother is worried about her.

Since the divorce, she’s spent this holiday with her father, until her presence was no longer desired. And over the past two years, Julia’s spent it with Will’s family. Her mother doesn’t want her to be alone this year, which is nice, but unnecessary.

This morning, she received a surprise phone call from her father. He asked if she’d come by his house this afternoon for a talk. She hasn’t seen him since graduation in May, a day she’d rather forget, but they still touch base with a brief call every six weeks or so.

She has no desire to see him, but agreed to go out of…
a sense of obligation? A subconscious desire for reconciliation?
She doesn’t know why she said yes, but she did and is steeling herself for this meeting.
What does he want from me?

A little before two in the afternoon, she pulls up to his house. Her father and his new family live in a raised ranch across town. The bushes out front are decorated with Christmas lights and a big wreath with a red bow hangs on the front door. They moved here when they got married six years ago.

They’ve installed a basketball hoop in the driveway for Sandra’s son, Julia’s stepbrother, Evan. He’s a junior in high school and lives with them most of the time, staying with his father every other weekend.

Her jaw clenches, thinking about her stepbrother. She doesn’t know him at all, has absolutely no opinion of the kid one way or the other. What she does know is her dad finally got the son he always wanted.
No wonder he found it so easy to cut me out of his life.

She stares at the basketball hoop for a few minutes, remembering the hours she spent playing ball with her dad before he left, and almost puts the car in reverse. Before the divorce, she did everything with her father. They went to Red Sox, Celtics, and Patriots games with his friends and their sons, had Saturday morning breakfast together at Hope Diner, practiced pitching in the yard for hours, and shooting hoops in their driveway. Her father was the center of her universe.

Then he was gone. Just like that.

Finally, she takes a deep breath and climbs out of the car. Feet dragging, she walks up the front steps to ring the doorbell, and a moment later, her father opens it with a tight smile.
This is going to be painful,
she thinks, leaning in to give him a peck on the cheek.

“Hi Dad.”

“Merry Christmas Julia. Come on in.”

The last time she was here, they’d just moved in, her father telling her to think of this as her home as well. When he tried to hand her a key, Sandra practically sprinted across the room and asked to talk to her dad for a moment in private.

A few minutes later, he came out of their bedroom, his face red and his eyes downcast. He walked past Julia, and picked up the remote for the television. When she asked what was going on, her father changed the subject, as he always does when he’s uncomfortable.

She could have left it at that, but she knew what had happened and she wanted to hear her father say it to her face. Julia asked for the house key he’d been in the process of handing her moments before, forcing him to tell her, his daughter, that she wouldn’t need a key, because they’d always be there when she visits.

Her eyes narrowed into slits, her mouth drawn in a tight line.

“Dad, are you telling me I’m not allowed to be in your home, the home you just told me to think of as my own, without you here?”

Her father didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing. She turned to Sandra and repeated her question. Her stepmother had no problem telling her she could only visit when they were home. Julia walked toward her father.

“You really are a gutless wonder.”

Then she turned to Sandra, flipped her off, and left.

Trying to shake off that precious memory, Julia walks up the few steps to the main level of the house, making note of the changes they’ve made since she was last here. The living room has been refurnished and now has a brown leather sofa and love seat, and a matching recliner.
That has to be her dads
, she thinks absently, he loves recliners.

The walls are painted beige, and one is covered with family pictures. The Christmas tree is decorated with silver ornaments and colored lights, and the television is turned to ESPN, her father’s favorite channel.

Sandra walks out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a dishtowel, her face pinched.

“Hello, Julia. Nice to see you again.”

Is she supposed to give her a hug? What’s the proper protocol for a situation like this? Julia smiles and raises her hand in greeting and Sandra turns off the television, taking a seat on the couch beside her father.

“Please, sit, Julia.”

She sits down as instructed, and hugs her coat to herself, itching to get out of here. She’d rather be almost anywhere than in this room, with her father and stepmother.

“So,” she says after an awkward pause, “You wanted to talk to me?”

“Julia…” Sandra begins. “I want us to be a family. I know we’ve had our differences, but the stress of this ongoing feud between you and your dad is killing him. Literally, I’m afraid he’s going to have a heart attack and die.”

She stares at them blankly for a moment. Sandra has tears in her eyes, her father’s face is drawn.
She wants us to be a family? Is she out of her goddamned mind?
It’s a little too late for that!

Julia glances around the room, noticing pictures of Evan on almost every surface, one of her grandparents, another of Sandra’s parents. Not one of Julia. Not even the one they forced her to pose for on graduation day.

“Have you been to the doctor, Dad?”

Sandra doesn’t give him the opportunity to answer, “His blood pressure is through the roof. He needs peace in his life.”

She raises an eyebrow and studies her father. He’s aged quite a bit in the past few years.

“Sandra,” she levels her eyes on her stepmother, “I’d like to have a word alone with my father.”

Her stepmother doesn’t look thrilled at the prospect.

“That’s fine,” her father says, “Sandy, why don’t you take a trip to Almacs. You said you needed a few things for tomorrow’s dinner.”

Sandra nods and turns to Julia, “Remember his blood pressure.”

Once her stepmother leaves, her father sits back on the couch and folds his arms over his chest, preparing for an attack. Her father hates conflict, despises confrontation. Julia knows the directives over the past few years have come directly from Sandra, not her dad.

But it was still wrong.

“Dad, I’m sorry you’re having health issues. I don’t want to contribute to them, but what do you want me to say? You tossed me out like a piece of garbage. I’m your daughter. Your only child! You told me to stay away, and now you expect me to just put it aside and pretend nothing ever happened?”

He closes his eyes, sits forward in his seat and rests his head in his hands.
Will does the same thing
, she thinks, her heart skipping a beat.

“Julia, I never wanted you to stay away, but Sandra was so uncomfortable around you after that argument. I didn’t know what to do.”

“You didn’t know what to do? I’m your child! You tell her she’s wrong! You grow some balls, Dad! You tell her that this is your home and therefore your daughter’s home. You don’t cut me out of your life! What kind of parent does that to their child?”

She’s furious. This has been bottled up inside her for years and she finally has the chance to unload. Her father has turned grey, and Julia can hear Sandra’s voice saying,
remember his blood pressure…

“Look,” she takes a deep breath, “I understand you have to live with her every day, and she’s not easy. But you chose the path of least resistance. You didn’t fight for me, Dad. Do you have any idea how much you hurt me?”

A tear rolls down her father’s cheek. Then another, and another. Julia is stunned into silence. She’s only seen him cry once before and it wasn’t at either of his parents’ funerals. The only other time was the day he told her about the divorce. She was blindsided, couldn’t understand what was happening. She closed her eyes, covered her ears and screamed to block out his words and when she opened them, her father was crying on her bed.

She didn’t know what to do then, and has no clue what to do now.

“Julia, I’m so sorry,” he says, his shoulders shaking, “I was wrong, honey. What I did was wrong and I’m sorry I hurt you.”

She stands up and paces around the room.
Do I forgive him?
She vowed she never would after he left home. When he chose to side with Sandra and cut her out of his life, he broke her heart. But, in spite of everything, she still loves her father.

She remembers what Gabby said in September. Her parents didn’t mean to hurt her, they’re human and made mistakes. If she can forgive her mother for her reckless behavior after the divorce, she should be able to forgive her father for his shortcomings.

Julia sits down beside her dad and touches his hand, not sure what she wants to say. Then her father does something completely unexpected, something he hasn’t done in years. He wraps his arms around her and holds her, and her eyes fill with tears.

“I love you, sweetheart.”

Julia squeezes him tightly and bursts into tears. She hasn’t heard her father say those words to her in years and they’re powerful. She knows deep down her father means what he’s saying.
He loves me.

“I love you too, Dad.”

After she left her father’s house, Julia took a long drive around town. She agreed to stop over for dessert the next day and even gave Sandra a hug before she left. They have a long way to go before they have anything resembling a relationship, but it’s a step in the right direction.

A huge weight has been lifted, she didn’t realize how much this rift with her father was dragging her down. Will helped fill the hole left by her dad, the depth of his love transcended the pain of her father’s rejection. But since their breakup, she’s felt the void more acutely than ever before. Her father’s love means more to her than she thought it did.

When the sun begins to set, she knows it’s time to go home and get ready for her aunt’s Christmas Eve dinner.
This time last year I was in bed with Will.
They made love and laughed and talked. She wonders if she’ll ever feel that way about anyone again. Maybe you only get one great love?

Her best friend has never stopped advocating for Will, not once in the past six months. Gabby believes Will is Julia’s soulmate. She never believed in such things before she met Will, but their connection was definitely soulful, as if something bigger was drawing them together.

She’s forgiven her father, maybe she can forgive Will?

She doesn’t know what happened between Will and Avery that night, but has no doubt Avery pushed her way into his house at a vulnerable moment and took advantage of the situation.

Sitting at the stop sign on her way out of Colt Park, Julia fights the urge to drive to his parents’ house. He has to be home for Christmas and they live less than two miles from this spot, she thinks, gripping the steering wheel tightly.

Turn right or left?

Right takes her to Will, left takes her home. Julia sits at the intersection for several minutes, the battle being waged between her heart and her head, until the cars behind her blare their horns.

Flustered, she turns left and spends the remainder of the evening at her aunt’s house, watching the clock inching toward midnight.
I just want to see his face
, she tells herself, her heart beating hard against her chest.
I need to see him
.

At eleven-thirty she climbs into her car and drives to St. Margaret’s for midnight mass. At church, she can see Will and not have to speak to him. Unless she wants to.

Julia shivers outside the church, waiting for the service to begin. When she hears the choir singing ‘O Holy Night’, she sneaks into the back of the church, finding a seat in the last row. It’s a candlelight mass and the soft light illuminates the chamber, the pungent smell of incense permeating the air around her. The altar is decorated with dozens of poinsettia plants and Christmas trees with twinkling white lights adorn each side.

Everyone is standing during the priest’s procession up the main aisle of the church, and Will is easy to spot near the front. He’s taller than most of the congregation, his golden hair further setting him apart from the crowd. She can hardly breathe. She hasn’t seen him in over six months and it’s torture being in the same room.