What Love Is (2 page)

14 August

Today Bevan told me what happened while he was away.

“I was sort of looked after by a farmer, Ted, and his son Peter, but then I kept passing out and having those strange dreams again so Ted called an old Maori guy called Henry. He took me to some of the battle sites in the area and I was doing the same things again, passing out and seeing things. Henry said that my tupuna, my ancestors, were trying to show me that I had to change, to be more like Haki and take responsibility for my actions. I knew that I had to drive back and allow myself to be arrested, because what I had done was wrong. Like my ancestors, I have to be strong and face whatever comes my way.”

“But you could go to jail!”

“Yes, I could, Gina, and that would be the worst thing because then I couldn’t look after you and the baby.”

“But your dad seems to think he’s got a good lawyer,” I said, clinging to hope.

“Even the best lawyer is not going to be able to argue that what I did was not a criminal act.”

“But you didn’t do anything!”

“In a way I was responsible, and I did play a part in the robbery – even if it was a smaller part than Mitch and Scott’s.”

The thought of the robbery silenced us both. I knew that Bevan had just wanted to get wasted after leaving the clinic, and had met up with his mates, Mitch and Scott. Together they had bought some weed then gone to the liquor store, but it was his mates who decided to rob the store and who had beaten the owner during the robbery. Now Bevan was in deep trouble and we both knew it. I didn’t know what I’d do if the father of my baby ended up in prison. I reached for him.

“No, Gina,” he said when he saw where my hands were headed. “Not until we’re married.”

I sunk back, hurt, and crossed my arms and pouted.

“Don’t you love me any more?”

“Of course I love you, Gina,” and the way he said it was different to how he’d ever said it before, like he really meant it. “But Henry, the old Maori man, told me that I had to take responsibility for my actions, and that when we are – you know – together, it’s more than just our bodies, but our ancestors lying with us too.”

“So you think that all our ancestors are going to watch what we do?”

“I don’t even know who your ancestors are. Do you?”

I shook my head. “I only know that my grandmother was born in Italy. Her mother was Italian and her father was a New Zealand soldier, stationed there during the war. I lived with Nonna for a while.”

“Nonna?”

“Nonna is Italian for ‘grandmother’. She lives in Hamilton.”

“She’s still alive?”

I nodded. “But she’s old.”

“You should go and see her.”

“Why?”

“Because she’s your tupuna and can tell you things about her history.”

I shook my head. “She forgets things and she can’t tell me anything.”

“You should have found out when you lived with her.”

“I was young, Bevan.” I was beginning to get angry with him. “My mother had gone off to Australia and left me with my grandmother. I was just trying to make sense of things, not get my grandmother to tell me her life story.”

“I’m sorry, Gina,” Bevan said as he caught my flailing hands. “I guess that’s the Italian in you.” He smiled as he ran his fingers through my hair. “But if you’re Italian, where does this blonde hair come from?”

I had no answer to his question.

Heading to Jail

27 August

Twelve week scan today. Wow! I mean, it really looks like a baby. We could see the head and body, even the ribs and the legs and arms. I didn’t see much of the screen because all I could do was watch Bevan’s face. Talk about smile! Who would have thought my bad boy would be so into this?

Afterwards we had coffee, and Bevan told me why he was so excited about this baby.

“In my dreams, Haki’s wife had his baby. I reckon he must have been about my age, and his wife, Reka, would have been about your age. He was so proud of his baby boy, and his love for both his wife and baby was immense, so big that he went to war for them, and was prepared to risk his life. You have to understand that these weren’t just dreams, it was like they were memories and that I actually was this warrior, so I felt all his emotions. He would have done anything for his wife and baby. When you first told me that you were pregnant I thought that was the reason I’d been having the dreams – to be thankful for it and not dump you. But it was more than that, the dreams were to show me where I’d been going wrong and that I had to get myself on track. The way I was going, I was heading to jail.”

“You’ll be heading to jail anyway,” I said.

Bevan touched my hand. “I’d still be looking out for you from jail,” he said.

I wish I could believe him. I don’t know what I’ll do if he goes to jail, which he could, that’s for sure. I’ll be alone with this baby. How could he look after me from inside?

Every day I think about my decision not to have the abortion, and every day I think that maybe I made the wrong choice. But then I see the look on Bevan’s face and know that he really would do anything for me and the baby, just like his Maori warrior. I can’t go back now, it’s too late, so I just have to trust in him, and his father’s lawyers.

I’m so scared.

30 August

Bevan sat me down today and explained what was happening. I know that he’s been seeing his father’s lawyer a lot, and that they’ve been talking about what happened and what’s the best thing to do.

“I’m going to plead guilty,” he said, and then went quiet.

For a long moment I was unable to speak.

“But you didn’t do anything!” I said at last.

“I drove away, with them in the car. I knew what they’d done but I let them get away. I can’t say that I’m not guilty.”

I started to cry then. I didn’t know what I’d do if he went to jail. He pulled me in close and I surrendered to his arms. He waited for my crying to slow to a sniffle while he ran his hands through my hair. I relaxed – this was more like it.

“Mitch and Scott are finally telling the truth,” Bevan said as he continued to hold me. “They said that I didn’t have anything to do with it except drive the car. They said how I was too upset and just wanted to get wasted on pot and booze. They admit that it was their idea to rob the store, not mine, and that I didn’t know anything when they went into the store with the wheel spanner.”

I pulled away from him then, relieved. “So you’re off the hook?” I said hopefully.

“Not quite, I’m still an accessory after the fact, and I drove them away from the scene of the crime. Plus they’ve found a few things to charge me with. I guess the police must have had me in their sights for some time with all the things I’d been doing with Mitch and Scott.”

“So what now?” I asked fearfully.

“My lawyer is working with the prosecutor and there’s a bit of bargaining going on, but he’s trying for a reduced sentence for an early guilty plea and a bit more info on what Mitch and Scott have been up to. I’m not home free yet.”

“So you’re going to nark on them?”

“I don’t owe them anything, Gina.” His voice was the old Bevan. “They tried to blame me for the whole thing and get themselves off the hook. I think the police know most of it anyway, they just need me to give them the evidence so they can nail them for everything.”

“Great,” I said. “I just want this over with.”

“We should have a court date next month, my lawyer is saying. Believe me, I don’t want this dragging on for longer than it has to. I want to start planning our wedding.”

“Wedding?”

“I’m going to marry you, Gina, I thought that’s what you wanted.”

Did I? Do I? Oh man, I don’t know what I want right now. I mean, I’m pregnant, and the baby’s father wants to marry me – I should be pleased, but somehow I don’t feel right. Maybe it’s the hormones. All I can think about is my mother telling me how my father ran off after I was born. Will Bevan do the same?

Then I look at his smiling face and know how much he’s changed. We can do this, I’m sure we can, can’t we?

5 September

I’m starting to show – nothing much, just a little bump. Well, there goes my figure. Bevan saw me looking at myself in the bedroom mirror at my place and he came up behind me, put his arms around me, his hands over my stomach, and looked at our reflection in the mirror.

“What are you looking at?” he asked.

“Me – getting fat and ugly.”

He kissed my neck, sending shivers down my spine. “You’ll be big and beautiful.”

“Yes, I’ll be big and you won’t love me any more.”

He turned me around so that I faced him. “Don’t be silly. You think I’ll stop loving you when you get bigger?”

“You don’t love me now,” I said, as I ground my hips into his and pulled him back towards my bed. “Come and show me how much you love me.”

He tried to resist, but with his wonky leg he’s not good on balance and we fell onto the bed together. He rolled away.

“I told you, Gina, not until we’re married.”

I sat up and pouted. “This is silly. We’re having a baby and yet you say we can’t have sex until we’re married. How crazy is that?”

“I know you don’t understand, but it’s a promise I made to myself.”

“Not to that priest, Mark?” I spat. I knew I was being a cow but I couldn’t help it.

“We’ve talked about it but it wasn’t him that suggested it. When I was away the old man Henry spoke to me about what it meant to have sex, how special it is, something shared between two people who love each other and who have made a commitment to that relationship. From now on I want to make sure that I do everything right, as silly as that seems. Yes, I know what we did before, and it wasn’t right, and I’m going to stick to my decision – I want to wait until we’re married.”

“So let’s get married now,” I said, testing him.

“You know that I want to wait until after my appearance in court. It’s hanging over me and I can’t move forward until I know what’s going to happen. I don’t want us to marry and then I go to jail straight away. It wouldn’t be fair on you or the baby.”

“It’s not fair either way. What am I going to do if you go to jail?”

“My parents will look after you, Gina. In fact, I don’t know why you insist on living here, with your flatmates. Why don’t you move in with my family? We’ll look after you. You can even pack in that crummy job of yours.”

“I’m not a charity case, Bevan. I fought to leave school and move in here, and I’m not about to give all that up.”

“But that job is wearing you out. You’re on your feet all day. Have you told them yet?”

I shook my head. “I’m frightened that they’ll fire me. I’ve not been there that long.”

“They can’t fire you just because you’re pregnant. That’s against the law, I’m sure.”

“I’m on the beauty counter,” I said. “And very soon I’m going to be fat and ugly, how can I sell beauty products when I look like an elephant?”

“You’re never going to look like an elephant,” Bevan said as he put his arms around me. That felt good, almost like old times, except that’s all he did, just lie there with his arms around me.

23 September

Bevan was baptized in the church today. His family went too, even though they’re not church people, but they seemed happy. Bevan knew a lot of people at the church, and I sidled into a corner while he talked to his friends.

“Hello, Gina, nice to see you again.” It was Mark. I hadn’t seen him since Bevan’s arrest. “What did you think of the service?”

“Different,” I said.

“How different?” he said with a smile.

“I’m Catholic,” I said.

He raised his eyebrows. “I didn’t know that.”

“But I haven’t been to church since I was confirmed. My grandmother made me go when I was living with her.”

“I guess that this baptism service was different to your confirmation then.”

“I had to wear a white dress,” I said. “I still have it.” As I said it, I wondered why I still kept it. I remember Nonna being so proud of me that day. I hadn’t made anyone that proud of me since. I looked over at Bevan. “He’s got a court date for next month.”

“Yes, Bevan told me. We’ve set up a prayer group and we’re praying for a good outcome. He’s turned his life around, he deserves a chance to prove it.”

I looked at him in disbelief; I didn’t believe that prayer was going to change the outcome. I was certain that Bevan was going to jail.

I wonder if there’s church in jail.

10 October

So Bevan had his day in court. For me, the day seemed to go quickly and slowly at the same time. I just wanted the thing over with, but there was evidence to present and then testimonies to hear, and all this had to done in between the breaks for lunch and tea. I got to meet the old Maori guy, Henry, that Bevan met in Te Awamutu, and he spoke on Bevan’s behalf, some of it in te reo, which seemed to impress the judge. Ted and his son Peter were there too, and said that Bevan hadn’t threatened them in any way while he stayed with them – in fact, they didn’t know he was wanted until they saw his picture in the paper.

Mark spoke about how Bevan had changed for the better, telling the judge about Bevan’s baptism last month.

But the police had a lot of evidence against him, so I shouldn’t have been surprised when he wasn’t let off.

“Nine months home detention,” the judge announced, as he signed off on a piece of paper.

Well, I suppose it could have been worse, it could have been jail. I don’t know how I’m going to cope, because he’s the one with the car and now he can’t go anywhere, which means he won’t be able to come and pick me up any more. How am I going to get to see him, if I want to see him?

Funny, I know I love him – at least I think I do, I have to, for the sake of this baby, but I don’t know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I’ve been seeing Mum more lately, although Bevan doesn’t know it. She knows that it’s too late for an abortion, but she thinks I should adopt the baby out and then get on with my life. It’s worth thinking about. I know Bevan would be angry, but it’s my decision. Mind you, I know where that got me, and him, the last time.

I’ve taken a couple of days off from work but I’m back tomorrow. They know now that I’m having a baby and they’re not happy. Tough! They can’t fire me for being pregnant.

19th October

Hah! So much for that! I got fired. They say that my pregnancy has nothing to do with it, but I don’t believe it. So I’ve been coming in late and taking time off for no reason? Well, there was a reason – I’m tired because I’m pregnant! So now I have no job. How am I going to pay the rent?

“You can move in here,” Bevan said when I told him. “You can have my bedroom upstairs. I’m better off downstairs anyway. It’s a bit tough getting up and down those stairs all the time.”

I know what he says is true, but to move in with him means I’ll have to give up everything I’ve fought for over the past year – the right to live on my own, to make my own decisions, to earn my own wage. I did all that to get away from my mother and now I’m considering moving in with Bevan. Do I really want that? What about moving back in with my mum? No, never again.

“I’ll try to find another job first,” I said.

2 November

I suppose I didn’t really have a choice, did I? I gave it a go, really I did, but in the end no one was going to take on a seventeen-year-old pregnant beauty therapist wannabe, and I ran out of money to pay the rent, so now I’m here in Bevan’s old room, looking through the window at the pool which does look inviting now that the weather has turned warm and I’m feeling the heat. Having a big tummy is like having central heating. Not looking forward to the summer months, but at least I’ll have the pool to wallow in, like a hippo.

Bevan’s folks were great at moving his stuff out of his old room so that I could move my stuff in. Well, it was his brother Rhys and his dad who did the moving, really. Not much that Bevan and I could do really – him with his plastic leg and me with my big bump.

“I’m really happy you’re here,” Bevan said once I’d moved in. “It makes it easier now that I can’t go anywhere with this anklet on.”

I hate that anklet. When they arrived to put it on, Bevan joked with them, trying to get them to put it on his left ankle because then he could take it off when he took off his artificial leg, but they put it on his right. It’s big and clunky and a constant reminder that he’s serving out a sentence, as if the constant police checks weren’t reminder enough.

“What am I going to do while I’m here?” I asked.

“You don’t have to do anything.”

“It’s all right for you, you’ve got your assignments to do for your course and Mark coming around to help you with them. I don’t have anything.”

“You just have to look after yourself and the baby. Isn’t Mum taking you shopping tomorrow?”

“Yes, we’re going out to buy baby stuff because I don’t have anything.”

“Well, that should be enough to keep you busy.”

I’m not sure about that. I should be grateful, but why do I feel so unhappy?