What Love Looks Like (11 page)

        
Of course he’s broken a lot of hearts
, I
thought. I knew that from the moment I first saw him. With a face like that,
how could he help it? And was it really taking advantage of a girl if she
willingly slept with him?

        
“Well,
he texts me every day and calls me consistently. He’s been very dependable,
actually,” I said defensively. And I wanted to add that we’d already slept
together and he still wanted more of me. But considering she was family, I
refrained from sharing that information.

        
“Well,
hey, that’s a big step for him. He did seem really excited to bring you here,
so maybe things will finally be different. I’d love to have another normal,
intelligent woman at a table for once.
Usually, the whores he brings around don’t show up until later in
the night
.
You wouldn’t believe the morons he subjects my
husband and me to. If we weren’t family, I don’t think I’d put up with it,” she
said, laughing.

While I
appreciated Shawn’s candor, it was too much information for our very first
meeting. Either she was trying to scare me off or she genuinely believed that I
deserved to see Jay’s true colors before I got in too deep. I was puzzled; Jay
seemed committed to keeping some sort of a relationship with me going despite
the geographical distance between us. Whether or not he was in it just for the
sex I wouldn’t know until I got back to Columbus.

My conversation
with Shawn took a lighter turn once the guys got involved. I knew within
minutes of meeting them that they were all cool kids once upon a time. They
were the people I once would have killed to sit with at a lunch table. And the
difficult part to swallow was that now I was one of them. I was in New York
City, dressed like them, drinking frilly cocktails like they were, and seated
at the cool table with them. They had no idea who I was in my past life, and I needed
it to stay that way.

The music was
earsplitting to the point of disrupting conversation, but it made for an
energetic atmosphere. The song choices were so on point, and the mood in Beauty
and Essex was everything I ever wanted to be a part of. It looked as though my
life had finally come full circle.

The minutes were
flying by because I was having the time of my life. After my third cocktail and
a few bites of Carpaccio, I felt high on life. And to top it off, Jay’s arm,
which he'd put around me the moment we arrived, stayed there all night. He even
leaned over several times and kissed my ear, which instantly sent chills down
my spine and caused goose bumps to form all over my body, among other carnal
responses. His touch was more addictive than any drug I’d ever dabbled with.

“So how are you
liking New York, Elle?” Johnny asked from across the table.

        
“I
love it. It’s so alive.”
 

        
“I
know what you mean. I’m from Altoona, Pennsylvania, which is even smaller than
Columbus.” He slowly sipped his Stella Artois. “You should move to New York.”
He smirked and he winked at Jay, who didn’t react.

        
I
tried to gauge Jay's mood following Johnny’s suggestion, but I couldn’t get a
read on him. I willed him to agree with his friend, to allow that I could
relocate if things worked out between us. It would have been a hasty
proposition, of course. We barely knew one another, but the chemistry was
certainly strong enough to warrant discussions of the future, in jest at least.
And from New York I’d have a
much
easier time keeping an eye on him.

        
“Dude,
lay off.” Jay said, which wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear.

        
After dinner, we ventured to the
upper level lounge for more drinks. It was another staggering space. A soft
glow from hundreds of candles was the only thing illuminating the upstairs
area.
From
what I could see, the décor had a sophisticated
rock-and-roll theme that fit with the songs that were playing downstairs. The
combination of captivating ambiance, terrific music, and more Tanqueray and
elderflower cocktails led Jay and me to make out as though we were the only two
people in the bar.

My fifth drink obliterated
me, and after finishing it I was ready to leave. Jay seemed ready too, judging
by the way he was trying to undress me. When he whispered, “Do you want to get
out of here?” into my ear, I leaped up immediately, hugged and kissed his
friends goodbye, and said that I hoped to see them again.

Shawn murmured
in my ear, “I really hope so too.” It was tough to tell if she was friend or
foe, but I was leaning toward friend and really did hope I’d have the
opportunity to see them all another time.

        
For
the first few minutes of the cab ride back to his place, Jay kissed me until I
couldn’t hold my head up any longer. I rested on his shoulder, praying that I
wouldn’t vomit. My eyes closed as I briefly reconsidered Shawn’s candid words:
I feel that you should know now. He’s broken
a lot of hearts. Multiple girls at one time.

        
Moments later, Jay paid the driver as I waited
patiently on the busy sidewalk. He nodded to a few people who exited his
building as we waited for our turn to enter his door on Prince Street. It was
nearly 3:00 a.m., and people were just
leaving
to go out? I found it completely absurd, especially since at the same time back
home, even the liveliest watering holes would be an hour past closing time. I
knew I’d never be able to maintain such a hard-partying pace in the long term.
New York has suburbs too
, an annoying
voice inside my head said. Fantastic—I was hearing voices, and even
they
were obsessed with Jay.

        
Back
in Jay’s apartment, I dropped my dress to the floor of his bedroom and removed
my undergarments. I was too drunk to feel self-conscious strutting around naked
in front of him. I didn’t bother washing my face, as exhaustion and
intoxication outweighed my desire for clean pores.

        
“Are
you tired?” Jay came up behind my naked body and grabbed me by the rear.

        
“Very,”
I said, yawning. I couldn’t wait to spend the night with him—the whole
night, and the whole next day.

        
“Can
you stay up for a few more minutes?”

        
His
shirt was off already. He caressed my stomach and reached down between my bare
thighs. He massaged the area gently, while he kissed the back of my neck. It
felt so incredible that I found it impossible to deny him anything that he
asked for. I was wet with the first touch of his hand, and I undid his belt
with my hands behind my back. His pants fell to the floor when I unzipped his
jeans, and I reached back to feel his erection poking through his underwear.

He took his
fingers and stuck them inside me from behind. “You’re soaked,” he said. “You’re
so wet for me all the time. I love that about you.”

        
He
bent me over aggressively, reached back around to my front and massaged me with
a perfect circular motion. I wouldn’t last long with such a direct and intense
stimulation to the most sensitive part of my body. To my surprise he quickly
entered me from behind. The pressure of his penis pushing into me and his fingers
stimulating me was more sensation that I could deal with. I thought I might
explode, but instead I screamed out at what he was doing to me.

        
“You
like that, don’t you?” he asked.

        
“You
know I do.”
   

        
He
quickly flipped me over, pulling me to the edge of the bed. I was fully exposed
and completely at his mercy. He lowered his head, and with his fingers back
inside me his mouth simultaneously ravaged me. Before I could tell him to take
it slow, I was coming in a way rivaled only by the climax I’d had earlier in
the day.

        
I
was wiped out, but that didn’t stop Jay. He entered me, grabbing my breasts and
squeezing them while he pounded up and down on my body. I reached up into his
hair, digging my fingers into his scalp and down his shoulders. Then I grabbed
his ass to help him thrust.

        
“Oh
baby, what are you doing to me?” He sounded almost frantic. What did he mean?
What
was
I doing to him? I had no
idea.

        
“I—just,
I just want you to feel good.”
 

“You
are—too good.” Right before he finished, he whipped his penis out and
finished all over my stomach, completely short of breath and with sweat on his
brow.

“Holy shit.” he said,
getting off me with out so much as a peck on the cheek. His tone had changed
from sexy to serious.

        
“Is
something wrong?”

        
“Not
a fucking thing.” He said. He suddenly became quiet and reserved.

        
Why
was he upset? What had I done wrong? I hadn’t had sex with anyone else in
months, apart from my one-night stand, but what we’d just done was pretty damn
sublime from my perspective.

        
He said nothing
more, and despite my exhaustion I wanted to find out what was on his mind. I
decided against cross-examination, though; it would only make me look clingy. I
felt nervous and confused. I hoped I hadn’t done anything wrong and that the
sex was up to par. I prayed that nothing whatsoever would hinder our future.
Jay had sex all of the time, and I definitely didn’t. Maybe I was a little
rusty, but I always considered sex like riding a bike—you don't forget
how to do it. My sleep was intermittent and laced with unpleasant dreams of Jay
never calling me again.

12

 
In
the morning, I awoke to Jay smoking a cigarette with the window open, much the
way I imagined Penny did in her office. The day was sunny, and light streamed
in pleasantly, seeming to dissipate the negativity of just eight hours earlier.

“Smoking again?”
I asked.

        
“Trying
to quit.”

        
I
didn’t mind the smoking. On him it was sexy; even a little naughty. The image
of him shirtless, disheveled, and blowing smoke into the concrete jungle was
reminiscent of Jean-Paul Belmondo in a French film I’d once seen called
Breathless
. In the movie, smoking was a
postcoital act engaged in by errant lovers. My dark side wanted to get up and
share a drag, but I refrained.

Remembering that
I was completely naked, I hesitated to get out of bed and recalled how I hadn’t
been so shy the night before. I reached down for the chemise that had been left
beside the bed and quickly slipped it over my head when Jay looked away for a
moment.

        
“Can
I have some water, please?” I asked quietly.

        
“Sure.”
He squashed his cigarette into the brick windowsill and walked naked to the
kitchen to get me a glass of warm tap water.

        
“It’s
sunny outside,” I sipped my water and peered out the open window. His view was magnificent.
The city was bustling and alive, in all its glory even at such an early hour.

“Yeah it’s nice.
Like you.”

        
Ah,
the return of my golden boy. A sigh of relief escaped me. I walked over to him.
He was straightening up the bed, keeping his eyes focused on what he was doing.

“Anything
special you want to do today?” he asked.

        
“I’m
hungry.” I’d barely eaten the night before, and after a night of drinking my
appetite was insatiable. My hangover was so violent that a hurricane should
have been named in its honor.

        
“Get
dressed. I know a great spot for brunch,” he said commandingly.

        
Quietly,
we each got ready for our day. As much as I adored going out with him in the
evenings, I was most excited to spend time with him during the day. There was
something so much more genuine about getting to know one another in the daylight.

I slipped on a
pair of AG jeans and a casual ivory-colored silk blouse from Theory. Hoping we
weren’t walking too far, I wore my black booties again. Our relationship was
still too new (and he was still too temperamental and hard to read) for me to
wear flats around him. Jay wore slim charcoal Levi’s, which looked spectacular
on him, and a white designer T-shirt. I adored his daily uniform, which had a
sort of European functional flair to it.

        
He
held my hand as we walked several blocks to the Cupping Room in SoHo.
Apparently, he and his friends dined there often after late nights out. It
didn’t look like much from the outside, but inside it reminded me of Jay's
apartment with its exposed brick, utilitarian aesthetic, and natural light. The
restaurant was more decked out, though; modern art adorned the walls and plants
were scattered throughout.