What Matters Most (19 page)

“What else then?”

“I think she feels threatened by you.”

I let out a long sigh. “Because my style is different than hers?”

“That, and because you’re talented, and because she’s used to running the show with Redemption. I’m sure it’s all pretty hard on her.”

“It’s hard on me too.”

Beanie nodded. “It’s a tough situation. Trust me, I know.”

“So what can I do?”

“Besides pray about it?”

“I’ve been doing that.”

Beanie smiled and patted my shoulder. “That might be about it for now. You might have to wait for Chloe to make the next move.”

“Do you think I should quit the band?” I asked suddenly. “I mean, that’s kind of what you did, right? In a similar situation… you left New York, right?”

“It was a similar situation but not exactly the same, Maya. You’re under contract, remember?”

I nodded. “For almost two more months.”

“It might be a long two months.”

I could feel tears in my eyes now. I looked down at my lap and bit into my lip, hoping I could keep from crying.

“Let’s pray about this,” she suggested quietly. “I know that’s what Caitlin would do right now.”

I nodded and blinked back the tears.

“Dear Father God,” she began. “Please help Maya through this rough spell with Chloe. Show Maya what she can do to make things better. And please help Chloe to see that Maya doesn’t want to threaten her. Please send Your healing touch to their relationship so that they can minister through their music.” Then she said, “Amen.”

“Thanks.” I wiped my wet cheeks.

“I suspect that God is going to use this.” We headed for the elevators. “That’s usually the case when we hit hard times.”

“I sure hope so.”

But when we got to our suite, Allie and Chloe were in their room. I could see the light beneath the door, and I could hear their voices, whispering in that way that makes me think they were talking about me. And they probably were.

“Don’t worry,” Beanie assured me. “It’ll look better in the morning.”

I nodded and tried to pretend like I believed her, but I was doubtful. Even so, I’ve been praying. I’ve decided that all I want is God’s will. Just His perfect will. Nothing more. Nothing less.

L
ast night was our joint concert with Anna Gilbert. She opened for us, and then, once again for a transition, we did some songs together. Including one number with just Anna and me. And I have to say it felt the best of all the songs I have done. I felt like my most authentic self as I sang with her. The lyrics, the style…it all just seemed right. I wish that I could perform like that all the time.

After our concert ended, Chloe and Allie returned to our hotel suite. I suspected it was to get away from me. They’re avoiding me. Not in a mean way—at least I don’t think so—but more like an uncomfortable way. Or that’s what I’m telling myself. That’s what I’m hoping.

Anyway, I decided to hang with Anna for a while. She and Beanie and I decided to pig out on ice cream.

“You are one awesome performer,” said Beanie as we sat down with our sundaes. “I think I’ve just become a huge fan.”

“Thanks.” Anna smiled as she dipped her spoon.

“And you know I’m already a fan,” I told her.

“So how’s it going with you?” she asked me. “Have things fallen into place for you with Redemption?”

So I told her about how the sound of the band has changed some. “And our manager is okay with that, but…”

“But?”

“It feels like I’m kind of rocking the boat.”

Anna nodded like she understood.

“You are so lucky,” I told her. “I mean, to be able to do what you’re doing with the kind of freedom that you have.”

“Blessed,” she reminded me. “But I’m sure you could do it too…if you wanted it badly enough.”

“I don’t know.” I frowned.

“What do you really want, Maya?” She asked this in an urgent way, as if I could simply decide what I want and then just go for it. And maybe I can. Or not.

“You know…if you’d asked me that same thing a few weeks ago, I might’ve given you a very specific answer in regard to my own music and where I’d like to be with it someday. But more recently…well, all I really want is just to do what God wants me to do. That’s all. His will.”

Her eyes twinkled like she got this. “Cool.”

I sighed. “Now if I could just figure out what God’s will for me is.”

“He’ll show you,” Anna assured me, “in His timing.”

“Thankfully, God doesn’t throw it all at us at once.” Beanie laughed. “I’m sure I’d be a basket case if He did.”

Anna nodded. “For sure.”

We talked some more about how we discern God’s will for our lives, and Anna finally said, “I believe it’s planted deep inside you, Maya—something that God put there like a mysterious kind of programming. Kind of like that scripture that says trust God, and He will give you the secret desires of your heart.”

“That makes sense,” agreed Beanie. “Like I love doing design—I always have. But sometimes I try to make my career happen in my own strength, and it falls apart. But when I trust God about it, I end up touring with an awesome Christian rock band and designing for some very cool girls.” She grinned at me.

Anna continued. “And I think that sometimes we don’t even know what the secret desires of our hearts are, especially if they’re buried deep within us, but we can trust that God does. And the better we get to know Him, the easier it is for Him to reveal those desires along with His will to us. Does that make sense?”

I paused to let the words soak in. “Yeah…I think I get it.”

“Man, Maya.” Beanie gave me an odd look. “Does Anna remind you of anyone we know?”

I laughed. “You mean Caitlin?”

She nodded. “Do you think they could’ve been twins separated at birth?”

Now Anna laughed. “I think my mom would’ve told me about that.”

“Well, I hope you and Caitlin get to meet someday,” Beanie told her. “It would be like a family reunion.”

Then it was time to say good night. I thanked Anna again, and we promised to stay in touch.

And today as we’re heading back to Nashville for two pre-Christmas concerts followed by a short break back home, the bus is very quiet. I know Chloe is avoiding me, and I think Allie feels caught in the middle. They’ve been holed up in the master bedroom in back. Beanie’s reading a novel. And I’ve been up here at the dining table just doing homework, writing my column, catching up on e-mail, and writing in my journal. I have no idea how this thing with Chloe is going to resolve. But I am trusting God for the outcome. I know He can handle it.

To my complete surprise, we had someone else join us in last night’s concert. Laura, who is on winter break, flew to Nashville to perform with us. Everyone acted surprised, but I have a feeling that Chloe and Allie knew what was up. In fact, I was pretty sure they helped arrange it. Anyway, I was trying not to feel bad about this. Laura was in the band long before me. To be honest, not to mention insecure, I’ve sometimes wondered if the fact that Laura and I share the same African American heritage had something to do with me being picked to replace her. But Laura was friendly and cheerful, and I was actually relieved to have her here. I thought it might balance things out.

Plus it was nice not to play bass, which I’ve been doing off and on since this tour began. Instead, we had Laura on bass and
Chloe and me on guitar. Naturally, Chloe was
lead
guitar. I know I’m not ready for that. As we played, the band sounded more like it had been originally—before I came on board. I sort of stepped back a little and let the others take over. I told myself it was Laura’s turn to shine. But the truth is…it hurt a little.

“You’ve gotten really good,” Laura said to me afterward.

“Thanks. It was fun having you with us tonight.” Okay, “fun” might’ve been an overstatement. But what was I going to say?

“It was fun for me too.” Laura laughed. “Quite a change of pace after finals week, which I’m so glad is over with.”

“Are you going to play with us tomorrow night too?” I tried to make this question sound more enthusiastic than I felt.

Laura glanced over at Bruce then. We were all sitting around a big table in the hotel restaurant having a late-night snack.

Bruce shrugged. “I don’t see why not. The crowd seemed to like it well enough tonight. If you girls are happy, I’m happy.”

At that point Laura, Allie, and Chloe began talking to each other in that enthused I-haven’t-seen-you-for-so-long sort of way. They wanted to hear all about Laura’s school, and she wanted to hear all about the tour—and the three of them were talking all at once. And I began to feel kind of out of it and displaced. I also felt tired. I wished Beanie were there, but she was in our suite, putting some finishing touches on tomorrow night’s costumes.

“I think I’ll call it a night,” I told everyone, excusing myself. Then I went up to our suite and into my room, where I put on my nightgown, got into bed, and cried. I’m not even sure why I cried.
I just did. And in a way it felt good to cry—like a cleansing sort of cry. I told God, once again, that I only wanted His will. More than anything I want to be in His will. And before I went to sleep, I felt a sense of peace. I felt like I really was in His will…or that He would work His will through me. Whatever it was, I felt like it would be okay.

So this morning comes, and we’re supposed to rehearse at ten, and I realize that Laura and Allie have already gone down. Beanie stays behind to work on some sketches for our outfits for the following year. “I want to make you guys really sizzle,” she says as she continues to draw.

And Chloe, who’s sitting on the couch, says nothing. In fact, she looks kind of like she’s mad. And I suddenly just want to get away from her.

“I guess I’ll go down to practice,” I say to no one in particular.

“Wait.” Chloe stands and looks at me.

And so I wait.

“I need to talk to you, Maya.” Her tone and expression are serious.

“Okay…”

Then she asks me to sit down, and once we’re both seated, I prepare myself for the worst.

“I need to apologize to you,” she begins.

Okay, I have no idea what I should say or how to respond.

“Remember when I asked you if you thought I was jealous?”

I just nod.

“And I was acting all self-righteous and snooty?”

Okay, I am so not going there.

“The truth is…I was jealous.” Her eyes get misty now. “And I’m really sorry. I know that comparison is sin. And I was comparing myself to you, and I felt like I was coming up short.” She kind of smiles. “Well, I am short compared to you. But I mean short in other ways too.”

“I don’t see how that’s possible,” I say. “I mean, you are so talented, Chloe. You have so much more experience in the music business. And you’re so—”

“Jealous.” She just shakes her head. “That’s what I am. Or was. I was just plain jealous. I’m ashamed to have to admit it, but I know that’s exactly what I need to do. The Bible tells us to confess our sins to each other and to pray for each other so that we can be healed. And I want to be healed. So I need you to forgive me, Maya.” She’s crying now.

I feel tears coming to my eyes too. So I just nod again.

“Can we pray together?” She looks directly at me. “I mean, for real this time. Not the way I’ve prayed with you before our last several concerts. That was phony baloney, and I’m sorry about that too. I can’t believe how pathetic I’ve been. God should’ve just smacked me across the side of the head.”

“He seems to have gotten your attention without any smacking involved.”

“So, I mean it, can we pray together?”

“Sure,” I say. “But first you need to know that I do forgive you. I totally forgive you. And I should ask you to forgive me too.”

“Why?”

“I’ve had some pretty negative thoughts about you, Chloe. Even if I didn’t say them out loud, I know it was wrong. And it probably impacted the way I was around you.”

“Well, I can’t really blame you after the way I’ve treated you. You are totally forgiven, Maya. Now let’s pray, okay?”

So we hold hands and begin to pray. Then, even before we’re done, Beanie comes over and places both her hands on our heads, and she prays too. And I have to say, I’m still kind of stunned to think of how it went down. Like real Christian faith in action. The way people should act. It was very cool! But that’s not the end of it. There’s more to tell.

“Okay, we better go,” Chloe says as she notices what time it is, “before Bruce sends up a search party.”

Once we get down there, Chloe proceeds to tell everyone pretty much what she’s told me. She confesses that she’s been jealous and asks them all to forgive her, and then we all pray together, and everyone hugs. After that, we have the best practice we’ve had in weeks.

“You girls sound pretty strong,” Bruce tells us when we finish up. “Tonight’s concert should be good.” Okay, it was meant to be praise, but I sense that he isn’t completely pleased. Not that I want to go there. I don’t. In fact, nothing in me wants to
rock this boat right now. But maybe someone else does… maybe God.