What to Expect the First Year (110 page)

But also be realistic in terms of the amount of time you can humanly supply in response to her demand. There will be moments when you'll have to let her hang on your legs crying while you get the groceries unpacked and moments when you will be able to provide only intermittent bursts of attention while you work on the taxes. As much as it's important for her to know that you'll always love her and meet her needs, it's important for her to know that other people—you included—have needs, too.

“Ever since my son learned to shake his head and say no, he's been responding negatively to everything—even to things I'm sure he wants.”

Congratulations—your baby is becoming a toddler. And with this transition comes the beginning of a behavior pattern you're going to see a lot more of, with increasing intensity, in the next year or so: negativity.

As hard as it is to be on the receiving end of it, negativity is a normal and healthy part of a little one's developmental transition from dependent baby to more independent child. For the first time in his very young life, he's no longer just part of the parent package, an extension of your arms—he's his own
little person, on (or soon to be on) his own two little feet. He's determined to determine his destiny, define his individuality, assert his autonomy, test his limits—and of course, test your limits. It may not yet be his-way-or-the-highway (that's coming, probably somewhere later in the second year), but he's definitely figuring out that he has a way, and that if he pushes hard enough, he might actually get his way. He has opinions, and he's not afraid to express them, and though his options for self-expression are still pretty limited, he's realized that “no” can say it all. Even if he can still say it only with a shake of his head, it has an impact.

Fortunately, at this stage of negativity, your child isn't likely to mean “no” as fiercely as he expresses it (again, that's coming). In fact, sometimes it's likely that he doesn't mean it at all—as when he says no to the banana he was just clamoring for, or shakes his head when you offer the ride on the swing that you know he really wants. Like pulling up or taking steps, learning how to say no and how to shake his head are skills—and he needs to practice them, even when they're not appropriate. That babies invariably shake their heads no long before they nod their heads yes has less to do with negativity than with the fact that it's a less complex, more easily executed movement that requires less coordination.

True negativity can sometimes be avoided with a little clever verbal manipulation on your part. If you don't want to hear a no, don't ask a question that can be answered with one. Instead of “Do you want an apple?” try “Would you like an apple or a banana?,” offering one in each hand for your baby to gesture at. Instead of “Do you want to go on the slide?” ask “Would you like to go on the slide or the swing?” Be aware, however, that some tots will answer even multiple-choice questions with a no.

The no's will probably have it in your household for at least another year or two, and they'll probably intensify before they taper off. The best strategy for negativity is to stay positive. Instead of fussing over the no's (you'll only hear more of them if you do), try to pay as little attention to negativity as possible—while reinforcing positive behaviors of all kinds. Keeping your little naysayer's negativity in perspective while keeping your sense of humor handy may not help check the no's, but it can help you cope with them more positively.

“Is it so terrible if I turn on the TV for my 1-year-old to keep her out of my hair while I make dinner? It's the only thing that keeps her occupied for long enough to allow me to get anything done.”

Who can say no to a babysitter who's always on call, reliable, eager to please, and essentially free of charge? When it comes to TV, experts say you probably should say no—at least most of the time. Though there's plenty of television programming aimed at the baby and toddler set, the AAP and most others who take the study of child development seriously recommend that children under age 2 tune out entirely. And they have their reasons. According to the AAP, children aged 12 months and younger don't follow sequential screen shots or a program's dialogue, making TV watching during the first year pointless—and screen time during the first 2 years potentially damaging to development. That's because research shows that the more TV tots watch, the fewer spoken words they're exposed to—even when the programming is touted as brain boosting. In sharp contrast to the kind of human-to-human interaction that stimulates a young, fast-growing brain, screen time is a sensory blur. Babies aren't able to process fast-paced bright, flashing images they see on the television screen. The barrage of stimuli from television shows overloads their circuits, overwhelms their senses, but doesn't benefit their brains the way simple verbal interactions with another person do. The result can be a lag in language development.

Delayed language isn't the only potential downside to screen time. Too much time spent in front of the TV means too little time being active, playing with others, using imagination, being curious and creative, and, not surprisingly, looking at (and later reading) books. It also is linked to an increased risk of obesity, and an increase in attention problems and aggressive behavior.

Is there an upside to screen time? For many parents, there's an obvious one: the babysitting it buys, the sanity-saving break from providing round-the-clock entertainment, the few peaceful moments needed to catch up on laundry or start dinner, the chance to regroup after a long day at work, and the next best thing to a baby “pause” button. Sound familiar? Then you're in plenty of company. Ninety percent of tots under the age of 2 watch some sort of media (TV, tablets, apps)—which means most parents share the same reality you do, a reality where, despite the research, the studies, and the recommendations, TV happens. And it happens regularly.

What's the bottom line on plopping your baby's bottom in front of a screen? It's better not to. Still, if you do—and odds are, you will, at least sometimes—there are steps you can take to make sure your little one get the most benefit from her screen time with the least downside:

• Time it. It's too easy for those “just 5 minutes while I empty the dishwasher” to lapse into 20, then a half hour, then an hour, and then … you get the picture. So limit TV watching to no more than 10 to 15 minutes per day. Set a timer if you must, but stick to these limits. Choose programming that comes in short bites instead of in longer blocks.

• Watch together. Experts agree that if a young child does watch television, she's much better off watching it with
a parent, who can make the experience more educational and interactive by asking questions, pointing out images, discussing themes—something that's not possible when you're using TV as a babysitter. This doesn't mean you have to sit next to her in front of the TV (there goes your time off), but it does mean that you should leave your dinner prep every 2 minutes or so to comment on the screen action: “Look how nicely the boy is sharing his toy!” or to sing along with the theme song.

• Choose carefully. Even if you're limiting screen time, make it count. Select programming designed for the very young, with simple language and short segments. Anything your little one watches should be slow moving, have music and singing to keep a tot engaged, encourage interaction, and have some educational value (counting, for instance, or comparing shapes). Preview shows before letting your baby see them to make sure they have an educational component, to see that they promote healthy values, and to be certain they don't have violent undertones (cartoons can be surprisingly violent). Also a good idea: Choose programs that are free from commercials and product placements—like most shows on public television.

Your not-quite-toddler is already clamoring for the remote? TV watching habits can form earlier than you'd think—but the truth is that avoiding or limiting screen time will never again be easier than it is right now. Distract your baby with more enriching activities now (while you can) and you'll spare yourself more struggle over screen time later.

“My baby's always grabbing my phone or my iPad, and seems fascinated by manipulating the screen. Should I start downloading apps for him?”

Should your cutie be clicking and swiping and tapping away already? While there's no doubt that there's technology in your baby's future, it's not so clear if it should play a significant role in his life this early on. In fact, most experts agree that screen time—whether the screen is on a television, a computer or laptop, an iPad or smart-phone—should be limited in kids under age 2, and that babies and young toddlers are better off left unwired (at least electronically) in general.

The downside to feeding your child a diet of computer chips this early in life? For one thing, unlike other kinds of play, computer or app play doesn't challenge baby's brainpower all that much. When he's putting together a puzzle on the living room floor, he has to visualize how the piece will fit, then turn the piece in his hand to reflect that image, and then manipulate it into the board. When he's putting together a puzzle on the computer, he can do it by randomly hitting keys on the keyboard or by swiping his finger aimlessly across the screen. Creativity isn't nurtured, either. While the scope of your child's vision on a screen is limited to what the software or website provides, his imagination is limitless when he role-plays with a family of teddy bears or a kid-size garage full of cars. What's more (or, really, less): Too much screen time limits the opportunities babies and toddlers have to learn valuable real-life social skills that can't come from cyber-experiences, such as self-control, sharing, and getting along with others. Human interface? There's no app for that.

Babies and toddlers learn best by exploring their environment, not by swiping a screen. That's why most of your little one's time should be spent the old-fashioned way—playing with tangible toys, like blocks, dolls, trucks, and shape sorters, looking at books, watching birds fly from tree to tree at the park, learning how to pack sand into a pail, smelling a flower, scribbling with crayons, rocking a teddy bear to sleep, splashing in water.

Which isn't to say that it's necessary to keep your baby completely unplugged—or even realistic (especially if your phone is always within reach, your baby's going to reach for it)—but that there is a compelling case for keeping your little one low on the tech for now. Research shows overdoing computer games, apps, and other appealing electronics can lead to stifled creativity and social skills, lagging language skills, eyestrain, overstimulation, and of course, less physical activity (tapping on a screen isn't quite the workout a baby needs). Besides, at this early age, the world around him (from the nice lady at the supermarket to the squirrel in the driveway to the fire engine screeching by to the little girl riding a bike) is by far the best portal for your baby—that's where life and learning intersect, making the biggest impact on growing brains.

How can you introduce technology to your baby without overloading his circuits? Keep these guidelines in mind:

• Don't “byte” off more than baby can chew. Limit usage to 10 to 15 minutes per day. Too much time spent on the computer or iPad can result in too little time spent working on social, emotional, physical, and intellectual skills. It prevents baby from learning by doing. And it could lead to overstimulation. Tots who become too dependent on all that stimulation may have trouble later focusing on quieter pastimes (like reading or drawing) and paying attention to less high-tech educational mediums (say, a classroom teacher).

• Use IT for the right reasons. Apps and games (even learning games) are entertaining, somewhat stimulating, possibly educational. They're sure to divert a baby who's threatening to melt down during a long wait at a restaurant or the doctor's office. They might turn him into a techno tot, but they won't raise your baby's IQ or give him a lasting edge in school. Rely on electronic distractions too often for quick fixes in challenging (aka boring) situations, and your little one will come to rely on them to keep himself occupied—instead of on his own imagination and resourcefulness.

• Swipe and tap together. Instead of plunking your baby in front of the computer or handing him a tablet, interact while he plays, just as you would if you were reading a book to him. Ask questions about the screen images (“Where's the kitty?”), and point out things he may not know. (“Look at that flower. That flower is red. It's called a rose. It's a red rose.”)

• Choose right. Look for games with simple pictures and simple songs. Read reviews of apps or software online, or visit websites that rate them. And check them out yourself before letting your little one log on. Things to watch for during your solo surfing session: Make sure any toddler computer content is truly little-kid-friendly (no violence, scary images, or too-loud noises) and the content jibes with what you want him to learn—and how.